Last time:
Have a nice life Draco, I´m glad I was in it."
It was poor, but my voice was so shaking that I couldn´t even make a proper goodbye. I ran out of the room and I didn´t look back. I blindly ran through Paris streets and when I finally stopped, all I waited for was the pain to take away my heart and crumble it into million pieces. Nothing like that happened. It was much worse. I didn´t feel anything. I felt...like I had no heart at all.
Like my heart stayed with Draco.
"Her...Hermione?"
I stopped and tried to fight the urge to cry. This voice was supposed to make me feel happy. But I only felt empty again. I turned around.
"Hey, Harry," I murmured.
"Hey," he said with unbelieving voice and pulled me into a hug. It was a long time since we hugged each other and despite everything, I realized how much I missed it. Harry was like my brother and I was like his sister. When I was in his arms, it felt like I was hugging my big brother and he was promising to take care of me.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, when he pulled away.
"I needed to do some shopping. That´s what people usually do at the supermarket," I explained, trying to avoid the real question he was asking. Besides, it´s true. We were at the supermarket and I needed to buy some groceries.
"No, no, I mean, what are you doing here? In London?"
"Oh, that...well, I decided to quit my job as an ambassador. I sat on the first plane to London and so...I´m here," I said, blinking away tears. Luckily, I got really good at it and Harry didn´t notice a thing.
"When did you come back?"
"Two days ago. Mrs. Denton, that sweet old lady who takes care of apartments in my building, said that nobody was interested in buying my place and I could come home immediately."
Harry frowned. "You´re back for two days and you didn´t contact us?"
I reached for his hand. "Harry, understand. I first had to make things clear in my mind. It wasn´t easy to leave Paris," I said with aching heart.
He softened as he looked at me again. "And...Malfoy?"
I flinched, but tried to pull myself together. "He isn´t coming back."
"Ah...I see," he said it with too much happiness for my liking. At least he could pretend to be sorry. It´s not like he didn't know how much he means to me. Meant to me.
"You don´t have to be so happy about it. It was kind of a painful breakup," I said harshly, surprising my own self.
Harry stopped smiling and looked at me gently. He pulled me towards him again. "I´m sorry. For you getting hurt. But I can´t pretend to be sad that he is out of your life."
He pulled away. "I...I owe you an apology, ´Mione. It wasn´t right for me to mix into your life and try to push you into something you didn´t feel comfortable about. I felt really bad about the argument; I hope you will forgive me."
"Of course, Harry. I cannot say I wasn´t angry, but I understand your point of view. You think Ron is the best choice for me and you wanted to fight for my happiness. I don´t think that´s something I can be mad about for too long," I said and I meant it. I really understood how Harry felt and when I looked at the thing the way he did, I realized he was only doing it for me.
"So, what´s new?" I asked with much more enthusiastic voice than my mood was.
"Nothing much. Ginny is doing fine, we are both doing fine. She´s very emotional about the whole wedding thing and I love to see her so happy," he said whole looking somewhere behind me with dreamy eyes.
It was in that moment I realized how much he really loves her. Because the only thing he ever wanted was her to be happy and he would do anything for it. My heart skipped a beat when I remembered that´s what I had few days ago.
"It was your own choice, nobody forced you to leave, don´t blame anybody else but yourself," my subconscious reminded me sharply.
My subconscious can really be hard at me, but it´s usually right. It´s always right.
"I hope I get to speak to her soon, so we can discuss the past and focus on the future. I want to come to your wedding as her friend, not her enemy," I sighed.
"Everything will be okay by then, Hermione, I promise you that."
"And...How´s Ron doing?" I asked quietly.
"Well, let´s just say he´s been better. He pretended not to be hurt when you rejected his proposal, but it affected him. And not in a good way. And then you suddenly disappeared without leaving any message and me and your parents were the only people who knew where you are. We met about two months ago in a Bar and he seemed pretty broken. That was the last time I saw him," Harry said with a pity.
I took a sharp breath.
Harry quickly looked at me and tried to calm me down. "No, don´t worry, he´s okay, nothing happened to him. Ginny calls him from time to time and tries to cheer him up, but it doesn´t seem to be working. He just...closed himself."
So that´s what I have done to him. To my best friend. I destroyed his life. I wouldn´t be surprised if he would never want to see me again. I wouldn´t be surprised if he would hate me.
"I want to see him," I said firmly.
Harry scowled. "I´m not sure that´s a good..."
"Harry, I have to see him. I understand he may be mad at me and Merlin knows I don´t blame him, but I want to make things right again. Please, where is he now?"
He hesitated, but then sighed, knowing how stubborn I was. "He lives at the same place as always. When you knock, stay there until he opens the door. He always does, eventually."
I threw myself onto him. "Thank you, Harry. Thanks for everything."
"No problem. Remember, I´m always here for you," he said with a smile.
"So, I guess I see you around," I breathed.
"Definitely. See you, ´Mione."
"Bye, Harry," I waved him off, finished my shopping and went home.
Whoever is reading my story is now probably indignantly waiting for an explanation of everything I just wrote.
Well, it´s pretty simple. After I left Draco´s apartment, I ran back to my place and packed everything important.
You have to understand, I wasn´t thinking clearly, my mind was urging me to run away from the danger. I just did what it told me. And I once again completely ignored my heart.
Maybe because I no longer felt it.
I flooed to the Ministry of Magic and luckily, Monsieur de Vitte was still there.
"Ms. Granger? What are you doing here at this time?" he asked concerned.
"Monsieur, I...," I coughed to clear my throat.
"Are you really going to do it, Granger? You know there is no way back," my subconscious asked quietly.
I shook my head. I have made my decision. It didn´t feel right, but my mind was saying it is the right thing to do.
"Monsieur, I want to end my job. I want to go back to London," I said with a firm voice.
There is no need to say more about it. This is the part of my life I´m trying to erase and I want to forget all those dreadful details.
I was torn between my heart and my mind. I never listened to my heart, because it was crazy, it was spontaneous and it was unknown. I trusted my mind, because it always acted wisely and saved my life many times.
And I decided to trust it again.
And so I was here. In London. At the same place where I was born, where I grew up, where I made great memories. But it no longer felt like I belonged here.
My mind was telling me I will get used to it, just like I got used to Paris. It was proud of me for making a right decision and for not doing something that would selfishly please only me. Who was I to argue with my own mind?
I slowly crawled to my old apartment. In disappointment, I eyed the auburn floor and light green walls. And I used to think my place is beautiful.
Once I lost contact with the world, I became a zombie again. I was fighting the urge to crash the mirror, because the reflection – tired witch with black circles under her bloody eyes – couldn´t possibly be mine.
I slowly gave all the groceries into the kitchen and then grabbed my purse to get some painkillers. My head never ached so much. I couldn´t find any pills, but my hand pulled another object out of my purse.
Mine and Draco´s photo.
Yes, I remembered that day. The sun was shining, Paris was sparkling, it was one of those days when you simply felt happy for living.
Draco and I were walking past the fountains in front of Eiffel Tower, when we heard some whistling.
"Venez avec nous, beauté, oublier la tête blonde," which in English means "Come with us, beauty, forget the blonde head."
We turned around and saw a couple of drunken French men sitting on the grass. I just rolled my eyes, while Draco gave them a scary look.
"Perverts. I guess gentlemen really are extinct. I´ll show them what it means to mess with my girlfriend," he cursed quietly.
I couldn´t help myself, I started to giggle. I liked the way he was taking care of me, he was really cute about it. He picked out his wand and started to enchant the fountain, so the stream would move towards them. My giggles became more and more frequent. And when the stream hit those guys with its full strength, giggled grew into a full laugh. Draco started to laugh, too and he moved towards me, forgetting he still had a wand in his hand.
And suddenly...
WHOOSH
The water stream smacked me right across the face.
"Bloody enchantments," Draco started to curse, while trying to remove the hex. He was waving with his wand hopelessly and I ended up standing completely wet in the middle of the Paris. Draco finally managed to stop the charm and the fountain started to work the way it usually does.
"Draco...Malfoy...," I started with raising voice.
"Hermione, I´m really sorry," he started with a pitying voice. He took another look at me and with disgust, I watched how his lips started to twist into a grin.
"You...are...so...dead," I stated.
That´s when he started to laugh. And I couldn´t do anything about it, because I must have looked really funny.
"Love, I´m really, really sorry. But if you could see yourself...," he couldn´t finish his sentence as he started to laugh again.
My dread just grew when I saw him raising the camera. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Come on, we have to have a picture like this. That´s what couples do," he explained with a giggle and then stood behind me to make a selfie.
"I hate you," I murmured.
"No, I´m pretty sure you love me," he laughed and made a photo.
I remember that day, because I realized he would stand up against those guys, even if he wasn´t a wizard. I remember it, because we made our first photo that day. I remember it, because I realized for the first time how much he cares about me.
And I had that picture with me everywhere I went.
My eyes were full of tears because of this memory. I wanted to move on, I wanted it so badly, but I got too attached, I loved him too much.
I tore the picture into pieces and threw it into fireplace.
"Incendio," I whispered and the flames came into life.
I regretted it the second I did it.
I watched how one of my dearest memories is being consumed by fire. Pieces of paper were moving in flames, trying to escape their already sealed fate.
Not feeling a bit better, I crawled into my bed and cried myself to sleep.
"How could you?" I heard a familiar, yet mysterious voice.
I turned around and realized I was having my dream again. Only one darkness was so overwhelming and also so comfortable.
I collected my courage. "What did I do?" I asked.
"You left," my mysterious person spoke. He was never talking to me like this. He sounded a bit angry, but also disappointed.
"What can you know about that? You have no idea, what happened and why I...why I left," I barked at him.
"I know more than you think," he said.
"Then show yourself. I´m sick of talking to somebody I don´t even know. Show yourself and then you have the right to accuse me of things. Or are you too much of a coward to face me?" I said, surprised by the hate in my voice. But I was so tired of people expecting things from me. It was like I couldn´t make my own decisions.
I heard the person taking a sharp breath and then few hesitant steps. In great expectation, I narrowed my eyes to see further.
Ding dong
My eyes went wide open. No, not this again. I was so close.
I slowly got out of bed and made it to the door. I went past the fireplace without looking in it.
"Who is it?" I asked when I got close to the door.
"It´s just me, my dear," I heard a voice of Mrs. Denton.
I opened my door. "Good day, Mrs. Denton."
"Good day, Ms. Granger. I just wanted to check on you and see how you´re doing. You came back here in such a hurry; I wanted to make sure you are okay."
"Thank you for your concern, Mrs. Denton, I appreciate it. But as you can see, I´m doing well. This place hasn´t changed a bit. I want to thank you for letting me use it right away."
"Don´t mention it, my dear. You took great care of it in the past and I could tell you needed a place to stay. Oh, I almost forgot. I made these for you, it´s some sort of a welcoming gift," she said and handed me a basket of brownies.
"Thank you, Mrs. Denton, that´s very kind of you," I thanked her with a smile.
The old lady blushed and squeezed my hand. Then she turned around and disappeared in her own apartment.
"Great," I thought. "I lost a chance to know who the hell that person is because of a basket of brownies."
Don´t get me wrong. Mrs. Denton is a widowed sweet lady with kind heart and she doesn´t collect gossips like many others in her age. I admired her for running her own flat with light elegance. But she really couldn´t pick a worse time to welcome me back.
"That dream is a warning; people will ask why you are back. You have to do something radical, some change," my mind whispered.
"Like what? Weren´t there enough changes in my life already?"
"Those were just small things. You have to do something which will affect your life forever. You HAVE to move on."
"I´m still not catching on what should I do."
"Go to Ron´s place. You´ll understand once you get there."
I stood up with more energy than in days. I definitely should try to make things better between us. I checked myself in the mirror and tried a few spells to make myself look better. Then, with beating heart, I apparated in front of the apartment of my ex-boyfriend.
xxx
"You might belong in Gryffindor, where dwell the brave at heart, their daring, nerve and chivalry set Gryffindors apart."
These were the words that Sorting Hat sang at my Sorting Ceremony. I remember how charmed I felt. Becoming a Gryffindor promised you fame and strength. And now it was time to make an honour to me as a true Gryffindor.
Brave at heart...brave at heart...brave...BRAVE.
"Knock the damn door already," I tried to encourage myself.
I have been standing in front of Ron´s door for five minutes and I couldn´t force myself to knock. How will he react? Will we understand each other? Will we still be friends?
I took a deep breath and cleared my throat.
Brave.
My knuckles hit the wooden door. There was a sound of groaning, but nobody opened the door. Remembering Harry´s advice, I stood there and waited. I heard heavy steps coming closer. Ron slowly opened his door.
And before I knew, I was in his arms and he was hugging me.
"Thank Merlin, you are back," he mumbled against my shoulder.
I hugged him back, studying his familiar structure. No matter what happened between us, he was still one of my best friends and I missed him.
Ron suddenly pulled away, realizing we are not together anymore.
"Err...do you want to come in?" he asked awkwardly.
I nodded and followed him in. I barely recognized this place. Once light and cozy apartment was now dirty and dark. Empty bottles were lying on the floor along with clothes and papers. I suppose our breakup really didn´t have a good affect on him.
"I wasn´t expecting any visit," Ron explained with a shame.
"It´s not so bad," I lied.
He shrugged. "I suppose you´re not here to discuss my apartment."
I shook my head. "You´re right, I´m not."
We both sat on the couch. I couldn´t decide whether to sat close to him or not. So I sat in the middle of my half, straight as a ruler.
"Where were you all this time?" he asked.
"I thought Harry told you."
"He was saying something about you leaving because you found a new job in France."
"In Paris, to be correct. Is...Is that all he said to you?" I asked carefully.
"He only added that you were working as an ambassador. That´s all."
I sighed with relief. So he didn´t know anything about...him. Good. This situation was already complicated enough.
"Harry wasn´t lying. I really was in Paris working with French Minister of Magic."
"And why are you back?"
"That was kind of harsh, Ronald. I thought you will be happy to see me, but obviously I was wrong," I stood up.
Ron reached out for me alarmed. "No, I didn´t mean it like that. Sit, please. I´m really glad you came back."
I slowly sat next to him. "Ron. I came to apologise. You didn´t deserve what I did. I mean, I just broke up with you and suddenly disappeared without saying goodbye. I´m so sorry, Ron, I hope you will forgive me."
"Hermione, I forgave you long time ago. I should have made it clear that I still wanted to be with you, even though you rejected my proposal. I think we both are equally guilty. Can you forgive me, too?"
Tears stung in the corner of my eyes. "Of course, Ron, of course I forgive you."
He pulled me into another hug.
"I didn´t want you to come here to just make things right. You have to move on. Forget about him. Why not try it again with Ron?" my mind suddenly spoke.
I pulled away from him. "Ron, I didn´t come here to only apologise. I wanted to discuss the night you proposed to me."
He scowled. "You mean about what ended?"
I nodded. "But I don´t want to talk about the endings. I want to talk about new beginnings. I missed you, Ron. I missed us," I said, touching his hand.
"What are you doing? You can´t start it again with him. You shouldn´t have left Draco in the first place," my heart started to throw remorse on me.
"No, she has done the right thing. Nobody would accept them, so what was the point of staying in that relationship? Besides, Ron will always be a good choice for her. HE is never coming back and she deserves to move on. Who is better than Ron?" my mind started to argue.
My heart was quiet.
My mind never gave me a bad advice and I always trusted it. During the seventh year, it made a question between the life and death. I trusted it and I survived.
Why should it give me a bad advice now?
"I missed you, too," Ron said with a careful smile. "But, Hermione, back then, you weren´t ready and..."
"But I am now," I said more confidently than I really was.
"I just don´t want you to do something you will regret later."
"I won´t, Ron. In Paris, I had plenty of time to think about our relationship. And I put barriers between us, because I was afraid of unknown. But I´m not anymore."
"Lies, lies, LIES, you are feeding him with lies. You aren´t ready for anything," my heart started to yell.
"What are you saying?" Ron asked.
"I was afraid to become your wife, because my whole life would change. But Paris made me see things in different light. I...I love you, Ron," I said with shaking voice.
"Why are you doing this? You know you love Draco, I don´t care what you say to Ron. Why do you want to ruin your life?" my heart whispered. It was so disappointed by my actions.
"Oh, please, don´t be so dramatic. She loved him once, who says it can´t happen again?"
"I love you, I do. And I...," I couldn´t finish my sentence, because I felt Ron´s lips on my own.
I was taken aback, surprised, why his lips aren´t soft and gentle, why they aren´t making me shiver and moan in pleasure. I froze. I was thinking about his lips.
I hugged Ron around his neck and pulled him closer, desperately trying to find satisfaction in the kiss.
Ron slowly pulled away and held my hand. "Are you sure you are ready for this?"
I nodded. There is no way back, anyway.
"Then wait here," Ron gave me a huge smile and disappeared in the other room.
Both my heart and my mind were quiet. But the decision was made.
Ron came back, with a small box in his hand. My heart was supposed to beat fast with excitement, but I could barely look at it without shaking.
Ron kneeled before me.
"The day we first kiss was the happiest day in my life. You had that beautiful smile and I wowed to myself that I would do anything to make you smile like that every day. And I want to keep that promise. Hermione Jean Granger, I want to make you the happiest woman on the Earth. Will you make me the happiest man on the Earth and marry me?"
"Yes," I heard myself whispering.
Ron opened the box and the ring slowly slipped on my finger. We stood up and our lips met in kiss. Oh, I wanted to love him so badly. He gave me this beautiful ring, he forgave me for everything I have done and he wanted to make me happy.
Why couldn´t it be him? Why every time I looked into those blue eyes, I saw stormy grey? Why every time I touched his red hair, I saw a platinum blonde?
"You will get used to everything again. And who knows, perhaps you will fall in love again," I reminded myself. I was just hoping I was right.
I left his apartment few hours later. We have talked about these months when we weren´t together. We have talked about Harry and Ginny´s wedding. We have talked about our future.
The more we talked, the more I realized I had no love for him left. Then why was I doing this?
I was slowly walking back to my apartment. My fingers caressed the engagement ring.
"Am I making the right decision?" I asked quietly.
"Yes, of course. You are doing what you know is right and good choice. I´m proud of you," my mind said.
And so I completely ignored my heart´s quiet response.
"No."
Hello, my darlings, I´m back. I´m sorry it took me a while to get this chapter done, but 1) I was away from the city, enjoying the summer camp (in cottages without warm water - SPARTA) 2) I was suffering from writer´s block. Which is terrible, because I really wanted to write this chapter and I was sooo looking forward to it. Hermione is surely now frustrating for you. But understand, she still trusts her mind instead of her heart. Also, this is possibly the longest chapter yet, but it´s kind of boring for me, because there was no Draco. But this could be one of the most important chapters, and don´t worry, my dears, our favourite character will be back for the next chapter. I will try to get it done as soon as possible. Review what you think :)
Betty xxx