A/N: A little more angst and a decision.
Disclaimer: Thanks to Prof. JRRT and Sir PJ for creating a world I can play in because I don't own any of Middle Earth, nor do I profit from it.
Chapter 6: Flight
When I wake, I can tell by the shadows in my room that it's mid-afternoon. My throat is still raw and my eyes burn, but at least now I can breathe. I pull myself up sitting with my back against the wall, knees drawn to my chest. I pull fingers through my tousled hair wishing I could as easily pull those horrible words from my mind, but I keep hearing them over and over. They run in an unbroken litany of condemnation. I wrap my arms around my legs.
Bowing my head I try to concentrate on good memories, the ones I had used to comfort myself as a dwarfling when I'd had my failures thrown in my face. They are pictures of Mum tucking me in at night, Fili comforting me after a nightmare, and Uncle Thorin riding me on his shoulders. They are reflections of a happier time before responsibilities and princely expectations. They usually bring me out of the spiral of negative thoughts, but, this time, they don't help. Sighing I drop my head to my knees.
Almost immediately my head jerks back up as I hear the front door close. I hope it's Mum back from market, but the way my day's gone, I should know better. I hear heavy boots tread the floor. Fili and Thorin are home. I close my eyes hoping they will just turn around and leave for I am not ready to face them yet.
"Kili?" Fili's voice rings out, "We're home."
Suddenly my breath hitches and my chest feels as if it's being crushed all over again. My head pounds and I feel myself begin to tremble. Panic threatens to grip me because I know what's going to happen, and I don't want to explain things to Fili. I just can't talk about it.
I remember my brother had said he would spend the afternoon with me. I don't answer, maybe he'll think I'm not home yet. For the love of Mahal, Fili, please don't come in here.
No such luck for the door to our room opens. I do not look up, knowing my hair covers my face. I don't want him to see me like this and I don't trust myself not to cry again if we fight.
"Kee,...still pouting about this morning?" Fili quips lightly.
I ignore him. Why does he just assume I'm pouting?...Oh, yeah, he's right, I do pout don't I?... But I'm not pouting, not this time, and it's just one more validation of my unworthiness.
"Kili, what's wrong?" I hear Fili step across the floor his voice more serious.
"Nothing," I mumble still not meeting his gaze. I cannot have this conversation now.
Fili sits on my bed. "Come on. I know you better than that." When I don't respond, he puts his fingers under my chin, just as I knew he would, and raises my head.
"You've been crying, Kee." His voice is full of concern and normally that would be enough for me to confide in my brother; but today, I find no comfort in his words.
"It's all right. I was only gone for a little while. Now we have all afternoon to do whatever you want." Do I detect a hint of exasperation in Fili's comment?
"That's...Not...It." I say through clenched teeth, trying to bite back my disappointment that he thinks I am so shallow.
"Then tell me what's wrong, nadadith." Fili strokes the back of my hair and tries to pull me into a hug.
Fili's reactions are as predictable to me as my moods are to him. He has always been my comforting big brother. When I had night terrors as a dwarfling, he'd always hold me, stroking my hair, and talking softly until I quit trembling and slept. Only I do not want to be held right now. I cannot bear to hear him tell me that everything will be fine when I know it won't. It'll never be fine. I wish that he could make all those horrible thoughts go away, but I know he can't.
"It doesn't matter." I pull away from him. We both know it's a lie.
"Kee, please," he begs. "Look at me."
I shake my head scooting away from him all the while knowing he will not let this drop.
"Fili." Uncle Thorin's voice rumbles through the house.
I see my chance then.
"You'd better go," I offer.
I am aware that Fili is torn between answering Thorin and staying to cajole me into confiding in him. He wants nothing more than to pester me until he drags out my secret; but then he doesn't want to disappoint Thorin. After all, Fili is the heir, the golden prince, and he never disappoints Uncle, unlike me.
"Fili." This time the call is edged with impatience.
"Just go," I practically yell at him.
Slowly he crawls from the bed and heads for the front room, obviously torn between duty and need.
"I'll be back and we'll get this settled, whatever it is," Fili calls back over his shoulder trying to reassure me.
I do not answer because I know that I cannot stay here waiting for his return. The urge to leave is overwhelming and I feel trapped as if the walls are collapsing in on me. My body revolts as my heart thrums and my breath catches in my throat. My stomach churns threatening to disgorge the little I've eaten today and my eyes sting from tears that have yet to fall.
My mind races. I have no way of knowing how long Fili will be gone. Thorin could have another task for him, want to discuss their trip, or just say he'll be back for supper. He could be gone for hours or come right back. I know must move now.
As soon as the bedroom door shuts, I bolt off the bed. I cannot be here when Fili returns. I cannot discuss things with him. I need to get outside, away, alone.
I grab a boot and try to jam my foot in but it doesn't go easily. I have forgotten that my boots are getting a little tight and that I will have to work to get them on. Cursing I throw the boot across the room. I don't have time to waste. Fili can't come back and find me like this, much less Thorin. I glance around the room, panicked.
The urge to leave immediately is too great. Barefoot I climb out the window and drop to the ground. It's so much easier now than when I was a dwarfling scrambling out to avoid punishment.
I hit the ground and run knowing I need to put as much distance between Fili and myself as I can before he finds that I am gone. I don't even pay attention to where I'm headed as long as it is away from the front of the house. I know the land all around our little settlement- the old mine where we were forbidden to play, the lake where we fish, and the forest where we hunt. My destination is not as important as just getting away.
My escape is fueled by panic-driven adrenaline, and I recognize that my path is leading towards the tree line. I tear into the forest where branches slap at my face and hands, but I do not feel them. The ground is rough and uneven littered with dead wood, roots, and rocks, however I am oblivious to all sensation other than the crushing urge to escape.
In my haste my foot catches on a root and I trip pitching forward into the underbrush. I throw my hands out to break my fall even as I land face down, my hands scraping across the woody debris. My abraded palms burn, but I pull myself up and run on.
I do not stop till I reach a large tree with branching limbs. I jump up, grabbing the lowest branch, and swing one leg up over the limb, then haul myself up into the tree. I climb to where the trunk splits and two branches form a little nook. This is one of my favorite spots in the woods. I come here a lot to think. Today I just want the familiar forest sights and sounds to calm my roiling emotions.
I settle with my back against the trunk, straddling a branch, legs swinging free. I sit letting my racing heart slow and my breathing return to normal while I drink in the aromatic scents of cedar and fir. I listen to the call of birds and the hum of insects as the woods lure me into a sense of security. I sigh as a soft breeze ripples my hair and my thoughts begin to wander.
Maybe everyone's right. Perhaps I am part elf. I love the woods and climbing trees. Sometimes I just feel the need to be outside, not cooped up inside I wasn't born in the mountain. We live in a house for there are no massive mountain halls and chambers in Ered Luin as there was in Erebor. Much of our mountain still lies in ruins save for a few usable rooms, which serve as Thorin's Halls on the rare occasion that we need them and, the mine itself. Even our forges are outside of the mountain. Uncle Thorin would have liked to have restored those halls, but there was never the time nor money to do so. As dwarves in exile our people had to work to pay our way, and the basic survival of his people was more important than reclaiming the splendor of Belegost.
I'm not even sure how I would feel about living inside a mountain. I've never heard the stone call to me like the others do. Dwarrow shouldn't be like that. They should want their feet on the ground, to feel the stone beneath them. They are sturdy and strong, yet I am lithe, my build more delicate. I've been told it's because I was born early, but now I wonder.
I lean back closing my eyes trying to still the jumble of thoughts swirling in my mind. I need to make sense of it all...to weigh my choices...to know what I should believe and what I should do.
I have been lost deep in thought because when I open my eyes again the shadows are lengthening and I realize I'll have to hurry to make it home before supper. Mum said to be home in time to eat. If I'm late, they will be words and I can't afford to have another run-in with Thorin today. At least I have come to some conclusions, right or wrong. Vaguely I note that Fili has not come looking for me.
I feel exhausted, the aftermath of adrenaline let down. My body aches as if I've been pummeled, while my calf muscles tell me I will not make it home as quickly as I came here. Dwarrow are made for steady endurance, distance running, not the all-out sprints I've done twice today.
I stretch working sore muscles then pull my right leg up preparing to stand on the branch. My feet are sore but I did run here without boots. As I put my foot on the branch and start to lift my weight, agony jolts through my sole and up my leg. I gasp at the unexpected pain. Then my foot slips from the branch. I drop back down straddling the branch. I try to groan, but I can't even breathe, the pain in my foot temporarily forgotten.
When I can breathe again, I pull my trouser leg up to look. I must have scraped my leg when I slipped because there is an abrasion oozing blood from ankle to at least knee.
One at a time I check my feet. My face pales at what I see. The run through the forest was not kind. The soles of both feet are cut and bruised with a couple of deeper gashes and a gouge where I must have stepped down on the end of a stick. They are also covered in dirt and dried leaves. My panic had kept me from registering the pain in my headlong flight. Only now there is no adrenaline rush and no crushing thoughts to keep the misery at bay.
I rub my hands over my face. They sting and I pull them away to see dried blood on my palms. They, too, are crisscrossed with little cuts and abrasions. I remember running with my hands out in front of me to push aside branches in my way and then falling with my hands sliding across the ground.
Oh, Mahal, how am I ever going to get home on time? I can't even run away and hide without messing it up. Just one more failure for reckless, worthless Kili. I throw my head back and laugh. Unlike my normal, infectious laugh, this sound is harsh and grating and dark.
Mum is not going to be happy, but I rip the hem of my tunic into strips to bandage my feet. Hissing I wind the strips around and secure them. They are not pretty and Oin would be appalled but at least my feet now have some protection for what little it will help.
Now I've no choice but to grit my teeth and get on with it. This time I brace for the pain in my feet as I pull them up and put my weight on them. I bite back a cry as knives of pain lance up my legs and I stand gasping until the hurt lessens to a bearable level. Then I continue.
Slowly I start my descent hoping that the bandages will protect the scabs on my feet and give me better traction for the climb. I slip once or twice but am able to hold my position with my hands even though they are now slick with blood where the scabs have pulled away from holding tree bark.
I am most of the way down when I hear the unmistakable call.
"K.i..i..i..l..i..i...i."
"No, no, no," I shake my head in disbelief. Of all the rotten timing.
Fili is looking for me. Of course he is. Mahal knows how long he's been searching, but he knows this is my favorite tree. It's only a matter of time till he finds me. I don't even bother answering, just keep climbing and wondering how much trouble I'm in. Is he the only one searching for me or are there others? Please let Thorin not be with him.
Finally I reach the last branch. My muscles are screaming, my limbs shaking; but I am almost out of the tree. There is no other way down now but to hang by my hands and drop to the forest floor. I'm not looking forward to landing on my feet. I swallow hard, clamp my jaw shut and let go.
A/N: Nadadith = little brother
A long chapter this time and a bit of a cliffhanger...sorry, but it makes a good chapter break. Once again thanks to everyone who's reading and following. I'm trying to answer the reviews where I can, so keep those reviews coming because reviews = hugs for Kili.