A/N: Thanks to all who have read, followed, and favorited. Here's some jerk Thorin, awesome Dis, and comforting Fili. Hope you enjoy.
Disclaimer: Don't own it or profit from it. Just happy to play here.
Chapter 8: Explanations
Mum and Uncle follow Oin out of our bedroom leaving me alone with my brother, but I know what's coming. As soon as the healer leaves they'll be back and they'll want answers. Thorin's already furious. I dread all the questions. I bow my head dropping my gaze to my hands and letting my hair fall down to cover my face. I'm not sure I can bear speaking with Mum and Uncle. I can't tell them what happened because i feel so shamed by what the girls said. I know that Thorin will be so disappointed in me regardless of what I say. Maybe I'll just lie and let them think I am upset about not going with Uncle and Fili this morning. Why do I have to be such a failure?
Fili slides off the bed and stands in front of me, arms crossed. I can feel his presence, usually so welcome; but this time he isn't pulling me into his embrace and telling me that everything will be fine. I know he's frustrated with me, too. That knowledge hurts more than the rest because he's always on my side, protecting and defending me. I hate it when I disappoint him.
The stalemate continues until Fili sighs. "We can stay this way all night or you can talk to me." His voice is soft but matter-of-fact.
I shake my head wishing he would leave me alone but certain that he will not. After a few more minutes, Fili tries again.
"Fine, Kee, scoot up in bed and get comfortable. You're going to be there for quite a while."
My head snaps up at the smugness in his voice, but I will not fall for his ruse. I know he's trying to provoke me into talking. Silently I shift my weight to move up to my favorite place in the corner. Without thinking, I try to use my feet for leverage, but gasp at the pain.
"Kili, are you all right?" Fili asks reaching out for me, his tough pretense dropping to be replaced by his usual concern.
I nod my head, but Fili knows better.
"Here, let me help," he puts his hands under my arms and pulls me up to the top of the bed and arranges the pillows behind my back.
Suddenly the door opens and Thorin stomps into our room, glaring.
"Explain to me what's going on and why you ran barefooted into the woods," he demands in a growl.
I swallow hard not meeting his gaze once again retreating behind my hair.
"Look at me, Kili!" Thorin snaps. I flinch, then slowly raise my head to meet his stare.
"Of all the stupid, reckless things you've done..." Thorin is livid. "I suppose this is because I refused to take you this morning and that immaturity is the very reason I didn't.
I shake my head denying his accusation.
"Then explain it," he demands, his blue eyes icy.
"I'm s-sorry, Uncle, I-I c-can't." My voice shakes knowing this is the wrong answer and it will only antagonize my Uncle even more; but I'm too ashamed of the truth.
"You will." Thorin bellows stepping closer.
"Uncle!" Fili interrupts, once again my big brother trying to protect me. "Let me..."
"I didn't ask you." Thorin snarls, cutting him off mid-thought. He glares at Fili, but my brother doesn't back down.
Luckily at that moment Mum steps to the open door.
"Thorin, enough!" Mum proclaims. And she can be just as forceful as her brother when she wants. He turns to face her, opening his mouth to retort.
"Don't," she warns shaking her head, braids whipping around her shoulders. "He'll tell us when he's ready. Your ranting will only make things worse."
"Dis.., I want to..." Once again Thorin doesn't get very far.
"You want what you want and when you want it," Dis accuses, her eyes flashing. Her voice softens then, but her expression says she will not compromise. "Not this time, nadad. We'll sort it tomorrow. Let him rest now."
At any time other than this I would be rolling with laughter watching Uncle back down from Mum's determined gaze. I sneak a glance at Fili who does manage a smile at the scene before him, but only because Thorin's back is to him.
Mum crosses to the bed, "Kili, get some rest." She bends to kiss my forehead, warning, "I expect an explanation tomorrow."
Grateful for the brief respite, I close my eyes and release the breath I have been holding. At least I do not have to face Uncle tonight; but I will have to talk with Mum tomorrow. There will be no way of avoiding her.
I nod, not trusting my voice to answer without breaking. I watch as she turns and herds Uncle out the door closing it behind her.
Alone again, Fili exhales, too, relieved that a confrontation with Thorin has been avoided. He crosses to his side of the room shedding his outer garments down to under tunic and trousers.
I watch silently waiting for my brother to start questioning me again. He may not want Thorin badgering me but he's certainly not above doing it himself.
Fili comes back and crawls onto my bed settling next to me. He puts his arm around me squeezing my shoulder.
"I'm sorry, Kee," he starts quietly. "I thought you were just upset and pouting because Thorin left you at home." He pauses briefly, "But that's not it. Something else happened this morning... didn't it?"
I do not answer, but my shoulders begin to shake.
"You'd been crying when we came home. I know that," Fili continues. "I should have pushed you then and made you tell me, even if you would have started by denying everything.." He smiles squeezing my shoulder again. "I'm sorry Thorin called me away. If I had stayed this wouldn't have happened."
It's just like my brother: trying to take the blame for something I did. Fili's always been that way and it just makes me feel more worthless. My eyes start to burn and I know that I will not be able to stop the tears.
"Tell me, nadadith. What happened? Let me help."
I don't want to tell him, to relive those insults, to reveal how much they hurt. I'm from the line of Durin, and I should be stronger than that. I should be able to ignore the slurs; but I can't. I already feel unworthy enough without others having to tell me.
Thinking about it brings the weight of the whole day crashing back down on me. My gut twists with the physical pain of my feet and the mental anguish of the day. I swallow down the bile rising in my throat and know I can't hold it in any longer.
"The things they said about me," my voice shakes. "T-they c-c-called me 'elf-spawn' and 'half-breed'. Repeating the words slams me back into the despair and the tears start to fall.
Fili pulls me closer and I turn to bury my face in his shoulder twisting my fingers in his tunic.
"T-the things they all s-say- t-t-too tall, too .t-thin, no beard, u-uses a bow," I sniffle the litany.
"But, Kee, you've heard all those things before," Fili rubs circles on my back like he did when I was younger and upset. "They're words...just word, and they don't mean anything because they're not true." He pauses then continues, "I know there's more."
There is, but I so don't want to tell him. I don't want him to hear those really hateful things. I know that it infuriates my brother when anyone talks about me like that, and he always tries so hard to protect me.
"C'mon. Tell me the rest," Fili coaxes.
"S-said no dw-dwarrowdam would ever c-choose me...too ugly." Fili's shirt is wet from my tears and I cling to him as I feel the panic trying to edge it's way back.
"T-they s-said Thorin s-should have let m-me die when I w-was born."
"What?" I can feel Fili's shoulders tense beneath me.
I only nod my head against his shoulder.
"Oh, Kili," Fili's outright shock is palpable. "No, it's just wrong... why would they say that?" He wraps his arms around me.
I have no answer for my brother, but I can still hear the hatred in those words.
"Said it w-was good you w-were the heir, 'cause no one would f-follow me as king." Those were the evil things they had said about me, but I had taken them out to my own conclusions.
I pull back from Fili's shoulder to look him in the eyes because this is the crux of the whole matter. He's always there for me and it breaks my heart to think I might not be able to protect him and keep him safe.
"I-If they won't follow m-me, how c-can I be W-War Master a-and Captain of the R-Royal Guard? It's my job and I w-won't be able to protect you. I'm already a f-failure before I even try."
It is my duty as the second son, to protect the heir and the king, Balin has taught me this. While he's training Fili to rule, he's trying to mold me into the royal protector. It's the role Dwalin fills for Thorin and I know I'll never be good enough to do it for Fili. I don't want to let my brother down, and yet I can see some other dwarrow chosen for the position because I am too weak.
There, I've said it, my fear, and now I bury my face in Fili's shoulder again, my own shaking as I sob at my short-comings.
What if Thorin knows all of this? What if he already realizes that the dwarrow warriors won't follow me? Is that why he lets me train with the bow, because it won't ever matter? Why he didn't take me on the trading trip today...because I would never need those skills?... Is he sorry I was ever born?
Fili wraps his arms around me again, one hand reaching up to smooth my hair.
"Oh, Kili, I am so sorry I wasn't here with you. Whoever said these terrible things is wrong. You're the best archer we have" Fili rocks me gently trying to soothe my tears.
"But dwarves don't use bows, elves do," I snap.
"No," Fili tries to console me. "You're just smart enough to know your strengths and weaknesses and won't let yourself be compromised by useless tradition."
"Tell me, who said the things to you?" Fili probes.
I shake my head, "It doesn't matter."
I'm surprised but Fili doesn't press for an answer; instead, he changes the subject. "So why did you run?"
"I panicked. I c-couldn't tell you t-then and I knew you wouldn't q-quit asking 'till you g-got answers."
"I'm sorry. Shhhh, Kee, calm down. Just breathe. Everything will be all right. I'll make it all right," Fili promises, holding me until I cry myself to sleep.
A/N: Now for the good news. There will be at least 12 chapters however, I will be away from my computer the last week of September. Since it's not fair for you guys to have to wait that long for updates, I'll be posting more frequently. Remember: reviews and comments always welcome.