Author's Note: Your well wishes are much appreciated. Thank you! I think the tide may be turning...I got an unexpected refund check from my former cable company. And my car is fixed. Small, but encouraging signs :)

This chapter went in a much different direction than I originally planned. As I was writing, Alex's story became the focus. I'm pleased with the result and I hope you are too.

Olivia was discharged from the hospital early that afternoon. The cab ride home was silent, with Alex and Olivia both absorbed in their thoughts. Abbie had opted to return to her hotel to catch up on work, but promised that she would check in later on. Alex had also let Cragen know that they were out of the hospital, so he would be stopping by after work.

Once they got through Alex's front door, Olivia immediately plopped herself onto the couch.

"How are you feeling?" Alex asked.

Olivia leaned back. "Better, but still not that great. My stomach is raw and my head feels like it's in a bass drum."

"Sorry to hear that. Maybe some ibuprofen would help?"

"Yeah, I guess." Olivia shrugged.

Alex retrieved the medication from the bathroom and got Olivia a glass of water to go with it. Olivia quickly swallowed the pills and laid her head on the armrest.

Alex wanted to try to get Olivia to open up. "Your session with Dr. Forrester seemed to go well. I imagine if it didn't, you wouldn't be seeing her again."

"Yeah, she acted like a normal person...not a therapist."

Alex nodded and took a seat at the other end of the couch. "Yeah, I think I know what you mean. After I got out of witness protection, I was set up with a counselor. She was disgustingly positive and happy - she made Mr. Rogers look depressed. I had a difficult time relating to her and really didn't benefit from our sessions. But I found a new counselor, and we really clicked. Without her, I don't think I would be anywhere near as functional as I am now."

Olivia lifted her head to look at Alex. "Do you really believe that the counseling helped? Or are you just telling me that so I'll be more receptive to the idea?"

"I'm telling the truth."

Alex paused before continuing. "Being in witness protection is...traumatic. And there aren't many other people who have gone through it. Being ripped from your life, away from everyone you care about...it's almost like you never even existed. You're forced into a life you didn't choose...not knowing if you'll ever become 'you' again. It's so hard to describe..."

Alex stopped to wipe tears from her eyes. Olivia scooted over to wrap her in a hug.

"Alex, I'm sorry. I didn't want to bring up a bunch of bad memories for you."

"It's OK. I try not to dwell on it too much...but yes, without my counselor, I don't know where I'd be. Or even who I'd be. When I left the program, I struggled when I tried to return to my former life. I forgot how to be 'Alex'...and I was scared to death that the old me was gone forever. My counselor helped me regain my identity. It was a slow process, and I still have my moments of...I don't know...I guess you could call it despair. I succumb to these gut wrenching feelings of loneliness and crippling self doubt. And it takes awhile for me to shake those feelings. I still see my counselor every once in awhile just to keep my head on straight. And there is one other thing that has helped."

Olivia patiently waited for Alex to speak again.

"No one knows this. I was going to bring it up eventually, because I want to be completely truthful with you. There never seemed to be a good time. I guess now is as good a time as any." Alex took a breath and exhaled slowly. "I'm on psychiatric medication. I actually have a regimen that works really well. I take an antidepressant and an anti-anxiety pill every day."

Alex stared at her hands. Olivia took them in her own.

"Al, there is zero shame in taking medication. Millions of people take meds to help them live better lives."

Alex sighed. "I know. And I've always been a big supporter of psychological help...for other people. I always thought that I could handle anything that was thrown at me. I didn't necessarily think that people who took medication were weak...I just thought I was much stronger than them."

"If you don't mind me asking, what made you decide to go on meds?" Olivia asked.

Alex looked up at the ceiling, trying to gather her thoughts. "When I got back to New York, I barely knew which way was up. I pretty much became a hermit. I would go to counseling, maybe get some food...and then just hole up in my apartment. Therapy was helping, but I didn't have any desire to do anything. I wasn't suicidal, but I was avoiding life."

Alex stood up and walked towards the window. She looked out at the city below and continued her story. "I was merely existing, and it became intolerable. I was sick of being a shell of myself. I wanted to have joy again...I wanted to be able to take a walk, or see a movie, and actually have fun. I wanted my life back. My counselor referred me to a psychiatrist. We went through several treatment iterations before finding my current one."

Alex turned around to face Olivia. "I wouldn't say that I like taking medication. But I've gotten used to it. I still sometimes feel ashamed that I couldn't hack it without chemical intervention. And if I thought that I could live a good life without it, I'd probably stop taking it. I have to admit, it truly has benefitted me. So why mess with a good thing? I've gotten into a routine...wake up, shower, brush my teeth, and take my meds."

Olivia walked over to Alex and wrapped her into an embrace. "I wish I would have known. I would have been right there next to you. I'm so sorry, baby."

"Don't be. I...I honestly believe that hitting rock bottom is what saved me. I needed to take that time to be by myself, to rediscover who I was, and really...just to heal. I always knew that I wanted to go back to SVU. And that I wanted you. So I waited until I was reasonably sure that I could function before coming back."

Olivia rubbed Alex's back. "I get it. But remember, I'm always here for you. I may be a mess right now, but I'll never turn my back on you."

"You're not a mess, Liv. You have a problem, and you're getting help. Like I did. Like I continue to do."

"I know. I'm terrified...But there's a small part of me that's relieved. I feel like I'll finally be able to not only stop drinking, but also come to terms with everything that's happened to me. There's a light at the end of the tunnel I guess." Olivia shrugged.

Alex smiled. "There is. I'm living proof. And I feel relieved too. I've never shared anything about my struggles outside of my shrink's office. Telling you has lifted some of the weight from my shoulders."

"Hey, what do say we take a nap? I'm exhausted, and you must be pretty tired too." Olivia suggested.

"That sounds really nice actually. Let's relax this afternoon before Cragen comes over."

"Great. I'm going to change and wash up. Meet you in the bed in five?" Olivia asked.

Alex gave her a powerful kiss. "Don't be too long."

"After that lip action? Not a chance."

Alex retreated to the bedroom. Her nerves were still raw from confessing her difficulties after witness protection. It was still hard to talk about, and the memories were branded into her brain. Still, Alex was glad that she opened up to Olivia about her struggles. It made her feel safe again.