Author's Note: To my faithful readers: You're the best around! Nothing's ever gonna keep you down! Karate Kid, anyone?
I had a specific ask for more Olivia...and of course, I aim to please.
Alex and Olivia were watching the Mets pregame show when Alex's phone rang.
"Great. Please send him up." Alex told the caller.
"That must be the captain," Olivia guessed.
"Yep," Alex replied. "While you two talk, why don't I go get us some dinner? Maybe something light?"
"You know, some chicken soup would be great. And maybe some bread or crackers," Olivia suggested.
"Sounds good. There's a great soup and salad place three blocks away."
Their conversation was interrupted by a knock on the door. Alex looked through the peephole to confirm that Cragen was standing outside.
"Don, please come in. Make yourself at home," Alex said.
"Thanks." Cragen replied as made his way to the armchair.
"I'm going to get us some dinner. Would you like anything?" Alex asked Cragen.
Cragen shook his head. "I appreciate the offer, but I have dinner waiting at home. I won't be long."
"Ok," Alex responded, as she grabbed her purse and left the apartment.
Cragen observed his detective. Olivia looked pale and tired, but he figured that would go away with some rest.
"How are you feeling, Liv?"
Olivia shrugged. "Much better than this morning, that's for sure."
"Well, that's a start."
"I guess," she said.
"Olivia, I feel terrible. I let you down. I recognized all the signs, but I refused to believe that you needed help. I could have stepped in before it got too bad."
"Cap...this isn't your fault. Do you really think I would have admitted that I have a problem?"
Cragen smirked. "Probably not. You're as stubborn as a mule."
Olivia looked down at the floor. "It kills me to say this, but...I'm in way over my head. I'm...an alcoholic."
Hearing herself say those words out loud was like a punch in the stomach. "I swore I would never let my drinking get out of control. I swore I would never be like my mother. And look...I've turned into her."
"Liv, you are not your mother. You're getting help. The fact that you've identified yourself as an alcoholic is a baby step in the right direction. Now you have two choices. You can let yourself sink even further, falling into an endless pit of hopelessness and regret. Or you can fight. I know that you've had tremendous hardships in your life. But they don't have to define you. You can have happiness, if you let yourself."
"I want to be happy. I really do. But I'm damaged. What if I can't be fixed?" Olivia quietly asked.
"It's not about being fixed...it's about coping. It's having the skills and mindset to handle whatever comes your way. You can't change what's happened to you. But you can change your outlook. Your problems don't determine how your life will turn out...That's for you to decide."
Olivia had given a version of this speech to hundreds of victims over the years. Intellectually, she knew that Cragen was right. Emotionally, she still had doubts.
Cragen spoke again. "I can see skepticism written all over your face. Overcoming your addiction is probably going to be the toughest enemy you'll ever face. Most days, I can walk by ten liquor stores without a second glance. But then there are those days where everything goes wrong. When life has punched you in the face. And all I'll want is a sip of Scotch. The thoughts of drinking consume me."
"So, what do you do then? Have you ever slipped up?" Olivia was genuinely curious as to how her captain handled it.
"God's honest truth, I haven't had a sip of alcohol in thirteen years. But when I was first getting sober, I screwed up quite a bit. I would make exceptions...it's my cousin's birthday, it's Christmas, I had a hard day at work...But the exceptions would soon become the norm."
"I know what you mean," Olivia said. She'd done the exact same thing.
Cragen continued. "It sounds cliche, but the best way I've found to handle it is to take it day by day, or even minute by minute. Forever is a hell of a long time. But I can definitely commit to abstaining for today. I can agree to not drink for the next five minutes...and then I extend it for another five minutes until the urge has passed. I also have a sponsor. I can call him anytime, and he can call me. Accountability to another person has been a godsend."
"I guess I'll learn all about this in therapy," Olivia responded.
"Probably. And you'll learn other methods too. You may find something completely different that really works for you."
"Speaking of work...I need to take a leave of absence." Olivia stated matter-of-factly.
"Already taken care of. You're on paid medical leave until further notice."
Olivia nodded. "Thank you, Cap. I really hate to leave you short staffed, but I realized today that I need to focus all my efforts on my recovery."
"I understand. Believe me, I do. But your recovery is the most important thing right now."
Cragen glanced at his watch. "I have to be getting home. But I'll be checking in on you regularly. And you can call me anytime, day or night, if you need anything."
Olivia escorted him to the door.
"Take care of yourself, Benson. That's an order." Cragen squeezed Olivia's shoulder and gave her a small smile.
"Yes, sir. Thanks again, for everything." Olivia closed the door and walked to the bathroom.
Olivia gazed at her reflection in the mirror.
"I'm an alcoholic. I. Am. An alcoholic."
Letting those words escape her lips again triggered a flood of panic. Her breathing became shallow and rapid, and her heart was pounding so hard she thought it was going to break through her chest. Her forehead started to drip with sweat, and she could feel her body temperature rising.
Olivia quickly turned on the faucet and doused her face with cold water. She stood over the sink, panting as if she'd just finished a race. Olivia took several deep breaths to try to steady her breathing. It didn't work, and she started getting lightheaded.
She carefully lowered herself to the floor and put her head between her knees. She gently rocked back and forth to try to calm her nerves.
After a few minutes, Olivia felt slightly better. Her heart rate decreased and her breathing was steady. She leaned back against the wall and ran her hand through her now damp hair.
"Nice one, Liv," she scolded herself. "Dr. Forrester is going to commit you if you keep this up."
"The only thing that could help me right now is a drink." She laughed bitterly to herself. "And that's why I'm in this mess in the first place. Good thing Alex doesn't have any alcohol in the house. But there has to be a liquor store nearby."
"Ugh, no. Stop it right now, Liv. You are not going to mess this up! You are not leaving this apartment."
Olivia then remembered her conversation with Cragen. "I just have to commit to not drinking for the next few minutes. It's just a few measly minutes. Then Alex will be back. The urge will pass. I can handle this."
Olivia rubbed her temples. "I'm not gonna make it. I couldn't last ten minutes without thinking of drinking. Somehow, I'm going to screw this up, like I always do."
She took another deep breath. "Come on, Liv. It's your first day. It'll get better. You haven't even been to a session yet," she tried to reason. "And what about Alex? You love her so much, and you don't want to disappoint her. She's the best thing you've ever had."
Olivia slowly stood up. "Ok, I can do this. I'm going to relax on the couch and watch the Mets game. That will keep me occupied. Maybe they'll finally break their losing streak."
She wandered back into the living room and turned on the game. The Pirates were up to bat, already leading 2 - 0.
The Pirates catcher ripped a double into center field. "Come on, guys...defense!" Olivia hissed. As the center fielder raced towards the wall, she noticed the huge Budweiser sign on the bottom of the scoreboard.
Olivia shook her head. She'd seen this scoreboard thousands of times, but the advertisement never registered in her brain until now. "Alcohol really is everywhere. How am I ever going to get better when there are constant reminders of what I'm missing out on?" she wondered out loud.
Just then, she heard Alex's key turning the lock. Alex walked through the door juggling several food bags. Olivia lept up to help.
"Did you buy the whole store?" Olivia joked as she grabbed two bags.
"Just about," Alex laughed. "I wanted to make sure we had a good variety."
They set the bags on the coffee table. Before Alex could start unpacking them, Olivia pulled her into a tight hug.
"Not that I'm complaining, but what is this for?" Alex asked.
"I'm just so happy you're back. I missed you."
"I wasn't gone for that long." Alex pulled away and looked into Olivia's eyes. "Is everything OK? How did everything go with Cragen?"
"Good. He was incredibly supportive." Olivia looked away. "But after he left, I had a slight meltdown."
"Liv, why? What happened?"
Olivia shook her head. "It's just...really hard to admit that you're an alcoholic. I started to doubt myself, and I had a panic attack. I'm fine now, but...I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'm going to screw up."
"Olivia, you're going to beat this. There may be some bumps in the road, but I believe in you. I know you can do this. And I'll be right next to you every step of the way," Alex reassured her.
"I know, but I can't shake this anxiety that I'm going to fail," Olivia admitted.
"The only way you can fail is if you give up. And I know you're not going to do that. Stop being so hard on yourself. We don't have to figure everything out right this second. Let's just have a quiet night and enjoy each other's company."
"You're right, Al. As usual," Olivia conceded.
"I know."
Olivia rolled her eyes. "Don't let it get to your already massive head," she teased.
"Hey! I resemble that remark," Alex grinned.
As they dug into their food, Olivia calmed down considerably. Still, she couldn't help but worry. She knew there would be a light at the end of the tunnel, but right now, it seemed so far away.