Author's Note: I'm glad that you continue to like my story! I brought back another character who'll contribute to Olivia's recovery in a different way. Just to reassure you, Alex and Olivia are solid - no other characters are going to threaten their relationship.
Over the next three weeks, Olivia faithfully went to counseling each weekday. She and Dr. Forrester had developed a solid rapport, and Olivia felt comfortable confiding in her. Although the urge to drink was unbelievably strong, Olivia had been able to resist temptation.
She and Alex had also fallen into a comfortable routine. While Alex was at work, Olivia stayed at Alex's apartment. Alex called several times a day to check in on her. Olivia would leave to go to her sessions, and would sometimes take walks or wander into different shops. But she mostly stayed in, watching movies, exercising, or playing computer games.
She had received multiple visits from Elliot, Fin, Munch, and Cragen. Abbie also called Olivia and Alex a few times a week to get updates. Olivia was feeling optimistic, but she still had concerns. She truly appreciated all the support, but she was worried about whether she truly wanted to be sober, or if she was just doing it for her friends. She brought this up with Dr. Forrester during that Friday's session.
"Doc, something has been on my mind," Olivia began.
"What's that, Olivia?"
"Am I just staying sober for everyone else? I mean, I spend every night and weekend with Alex, and my friends are constantly checking in on me. They expect me to not drink. And because of their expectations, I haven't. I don't want to let them down. But if I'm left to my own devices, will I fall back into my old pattern? I don't know if I trust myself to not drink. Am I making any sense?"
Dr. Forrester nodded. "It makes sense and it is a valid concern. Ideally, everyone would want to get better because it benefits them. But a certain subset of people will always do more for others than they would ever do for themselves. From getting to know you, I can tell that you clearly demonstrate this 'obliger' tendency."
Olivia sat back in her chair. That wasn't surprising to her in the least. "Yeah, I've dedicated my entire life to helping others. And I've always put myself last."
"Knowing yourself helps to determine what works best for you. In your case, I believe positive peer pressure can only help you. Use it to keep you motivated. But I also see another side to you, Olivia. You demand more from yourself than anyone else would ever demand of you. You want to succeed, and you won't accept anything less than your best."
"I wasn't at my best when I was getting hammered," Olivia pointed out.
"True," Dr. Forrester replied. "But I think a big part of why you drank so much was that you wanted to escape the feelings of failure. The assault and the problems with your brother and the job were out of your control, and even though you tried your best, you discovered that you weren't Invincible. You felt like a fraud, a failure even. Since you couldn't live up to your own high standards, you needed to distract yourself, and you did it with alcohol."
Olivia let those words sink in. Dr. Forrester was dead on with her assessment.
"I want to propose something. You can refuse if you don't feel up to it, but I think you're ready," Dr. Forrester said.
"What's is it?"
"I want you to spend a few hours this weekend alone. At your place. With your phone off."
Olivia's mouth suddenly went dry. She had only been to her apartment a few times over the past few weeks, and those visits were only to get clothes and do some minimal housecleaning.
"I don't know...I mean, my favorite liquor store is just down the street, and I know all the spots that serve alcohol. And while I don't think I have any alcohol in the apartment, what if I forgot about a bottle? It just seems like a huge risk."
"I'm not asking you to spend a huge amount of time there. Two, three hours tops. Eventually you're going to be put in a situation where there is alcohol around. This is a baby step. If you feel tempted, I want you to practice some of your coping techniques. And if it gets really bad, you can turn on your phone and call someone. But I have a feeling that you'll surprise yourself. I wouldn't ask you to do this if I didn't think you were ready."
Olivia got a boost of confidence from those words. She was still hesitant, but she knew that Dr. Forrester had her beat interests in mind.
"Ok. I'll spend a couple of hours there tomorrow afternoon," she reluctantly agreed.
"Great. I have faith in you, Olivia. I think we had a good session today," Dr. Forrester said.
"Agreed. I'm nervous, but I trust your judgment," Olivia responded. She walked out the door and headed outside. She could feel her adrenaline pumping, so she stopped alongside the building wall. She focused on using a deep breathing technique that the doctor taught her.
After a couple of minutes, Olivia had sufficiently calmed herself. She started walking towards the subway station.
Right on cue, her phone rang. She smiled when she saw Alex's name pop up.
"Hey, sweetheart. How did your session go?"
Olivia hesitated. "It went OK. The doctor gave me some homework though."
"Boo," Alex responded. "It's the weekend."
"I know," Olivia said.
"What type of homework is it? I mean, if you feel comfortable sharing." Alex always wanted to be informed about Olivia's counseling sessions, but she never pushed. She knew that some things were better left in the doctor's office.
"She...wants me to spend a few hours alone in my apartment. Without my phone on. I agreed to it, but I'm anxious. I don't want to tempt fate."
"I don't know, Liv. Do you think you can handle being there alone?"
"I'm really not sure. Dr. Forrester seems to think so."
"You know, I like Dr. Forrester, and I trust her judgment, but...I'll be worried the entire time. I believe you will succeed, but I'll still worry. I'll I imagine she doesn't want me camped outside the door," Alex joked.
"No, I don't think that was part of the plan. But I need to push myself, I need to know that I can deal with these situations. So tomorrow afternoon, I'll head over there for a few hours."
"Liv, I have complete faith in you. Damn, I have to run to a meeting, but we can talk more about this later. Love you!"
"I love you too, Alex." Olivia hung up the phone and walked to the subway station.
Olivia looked up towards her fire escape. Her building didn't even feel like home anymore.
She had come here alone, so that she wouldn't try to use Alex as a crutch. She knew that Alex was currently pacing around her apartment, constantly checking her phone.
"Here goes nothing," Olivia thought. She climbed up the stairs and unlocked the door to her apartment.
The apartment was just as she'd left it. She sat on the couch and looked around. The contrast between her apartment and Alex's apartment was striking. Alex's place was cozy and inviting. Hers was sparse and cold.
"So, maybe I should watch some TV," she said out loud. She turned on the television and flipped through the channels. And flipped some more. She couldn't find anything even remotely interesting.
Olivia went over to her bookshelf. She had a few DVDs there. But again, nothing she wanted to watch. She scanned the books and found one of her favorite biographies of Eleanor Roosevelt. She plucked it from the shelf and began reading.
Olivia found it difficult to concentrate. All she could think about was how she was destined to mess this up. After finding herself stuck on page 35 for five minutes, Olivia gave up on the book.
She looked at the clock. It had only been about a half hour.
"Two and a half more hours. Maybe I can take a nap," she thought.
Olivia retreated to her bedroom. She tossed and turned for fifteen minutes before giving up.
"Ugh, I need a distraction. Think, Liv," she told herself.
Olivia then remembered that her laptop was still here. She had open reign on Alex's laptop, so she hadn't thought to bring hers back to Alex's place.
"Ah, mindless Internet surfing. I wonder if there are some new cat videos on YouTube. Oh geez, I sound like such a dork. But I guess it's better to be a dork than to have a drink."
Olivia soon got bored of YouTube. She then went to a few other websites. But she couldn't shake one nagging feeling.
She really wanted a drink.
But she also did not want to call anyone and admit defeat.
"I should be in rehab," she angrily thought. "Christ, I can't even last a few hours on my own."
She buried her face in her hands. The thought of rehab triggered an idea in her head.
"AA. I'm sure there's a meeting around here somewhere. It's got to be better than beating myself up." Olivia had resisted going to any meetings before. But she needed a lifeline now so that she wouldn't give in to her addiction. She quickly Googled AA meetings and found one starting in fifteen minutes at a church two blocks over. She decided to go for it.
She arrived at the meeting and got herself some bland coffee. She stood towards the back of the room and watched as other people walked in.
She could sense that the meeting was about to start. She took a seat and carefully avoided eye contact with anyone. After a couple of minutes she looked up and found herself staring into a familiar face.
"No, it can't be. No way...Casey Novak?" her eyes silently asked.
Casey gave a slight shrug and mouthed "After". Olivia gave an almost imperceptible nod. This was supposed to be anonymous, and she didn't want to blow Casey's cover.
The meeting was actually quite helpful. Although Olivia didn't share her story, she felt calmed being in the presence of others who knew exactly what she was going through. Her heart broke for the brave people who bared their souls to a room full of strangers. But she respected each one of them, for they were trying their hardest to get better
After the meeting, Olivia waited outside for Casey. Casey spotted her and walked over.
"I wasn't expecting to see you here," Casey remarked.
"Yeah, I mean, I was pretty shocked to see you as well," Olivia responded.
"Hey, I know this is incredibly awkward, but do you want to grab some coffee? I feel bad that I've been MIA, but I really do miss you and the squad. And I think we both have some catching up to do" Casey said.
"Actually, that would be great. Given the circumstances, I definitely agree that we need to catch up," Olivia responded. "I just have to send a quick text."
"Sure, no problem," Casey answered.
Olivia turned on her phone and quickly texted Alex. "Hey, everything is fine. Just ran into Casey Novak. Having coffee with her. Will let you know when I'm done."
Alex was relieved to finally hear from Olivia. She didn't really know Casey, but she trusted that Olivia would use her best judgment. "Ok. Have fun. But don't be too long!" Alex texted back.
"No way. See you soon."
"How about we go to that diner across the street. The coffee has to be an improvement from the sewer water we just drank," Casey said.
"Sounds like a plan."
Olivia wasn't sure how to explain why she was at that meeting. She figured that honesty would be the best policy. She and Casey had developed a casual friendship when they worked together, and Casey knew her background. Olivia was also dying to know what brought Casey to that meeting.