Author's Note: As one of my reviewers mentioned, I brought Casey back because I thought Olivia needed a friend who went through the same type of thing. As much as she relies on Alex and Elliot, I don't believe that Olivia can have the same type of conversation with them as she can with another alcoholic. And I really don't see her confiding in Cragen as much, simply because he's her boss.
After receiving their coffees, Casey and Olivia sat down in a corner booth. At first, neither woman spoke; both were paying far too much attention to their drinks. Casey was the one who broke the uncomfortable silence.
"So...I guess I'll go first. Although it hasn't gotten any easier telling my story. After I was fired, I fell into a pit of self destruction. I poured my heart and soul into that job for five years. I neglected my friends, my family and even myself for my career. My whole identity was 'Casey Novak, ADA'. And suddenly, that was ripped from me. My life became meaningless."
Casey took a long sip of coffee before continuing.
"I had no one to blame but myself. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I accepted my punishment, I mean, what else could I do? And there I was, staring at three years of not being able to practice law. Being a lawyer was my dream since I was a little girl. And I flushed it down the toilet for one case. After my censure, I isolated myself from the world for awhile."
"I came over a few times to check on you, but you never answered the door," Olivia said.
"I remember," Casey replied. "And I wanted to open the door. I really did. But I was humiliated. I couldn't face you or anyone else. I tried to get a job, and even had a few interviews. But once they found out the reason I had 'left' the legal field, hiring managers quickly lost interest."
"So what happened next?" Olivia asked. "It's been two years, you must be supporting yourself somehow."
"Eventually, I was able to convince a friend to hire me as her assistant. I had to start all the way at the bottom again. I was making a low salary, and was doing mindless work. Not exactly what I went to Harvard for, but at least it was something. Still, after a few months, I was more depressed than ever. I felt worthless. I couldn't see any way to improve my situation. And, well, that's when I started drinking more and more. Although...if I'm honest, I've had a problem with alcohol since I was a freshman in college." Casey looked down at her now empty cup of coffee.
"Really?" Olivia was taken aback. She had no idea that Casey had a history of alcohol abuse.
Casey nodded and stood up. "I think I'm going to need more coffee before I go on. Want another cup?"
"Yes, please." She let this new knowledge sink in while she waited for her drink.
Casey handed Olivia her coffee and sat back down.
"Ever since college, I've been one of those 'go hard or go home' types. I didn't party all the time, but when I did, I went all in. I drank until I either passed out or was kicked out. I could never have just one drink. Looking back, I was clearly a binge drinker. I probably should have gotten help years ago, but when you're in college, that behavior seems normal. I know, that doesn't seem like me at all, but it's the truth."
"I would have never guessed," Olivia admitted.
"My drinking got especially bad when I was with Charlie. I was fine when I was at work, but I had to completely numb myself when I was at home. After he left, I thought I would be able to put my life back together. And I did, for the most part. I really believed I had found my calling after a few months in SVU. I was making the city safer. I was getting justice for victims. However, the cases really got to me at times. So I would drink to relieve the pain. Not all the time, but much more than I should have."
"You could have talked to me. I know better than anyone how working in SVU can affect a person," Olivia responded.
"I know. But I didn't want you or anyone else to think I was weak," Casey countered.
"I can understand that," Olivia conceded. "So, what made you decide to get help? I'm assuming that AA is part of your recovery plan."
"About five months ago, I went out for drinks with some friends, including my now boss, Joyce. Well, I drank way too much. Joyce tried to get me to stop, but I refused. We ended up getting into a huge fight and I stormed out of the bar. I walked and walked, not even caring where I was going. Meanwhile, my friends were scattered around the neighborhood looking for me. At this point, I blacked out. I have no idea what happened, but eventually I answered a call and somehow they were able to find me. Now mind you I have no memory of this at all. Joyce took me home and let me sleep it off. But the next day, my friends came over and basically staged an intervention. I went to an inpatient program for one month, and now have twice weekly sessions with a therapist. And I go to AA a few times per week."
Olivia saw that Casey was fighting back tears. She squeezed the younger woman's hand. "Case, I really don't know what to say. I'm sorry you went through all that."
"You know what, Liv? I'm actually relieved that this all happened. Oh it's been a struggle, and it hasn't been fun, but I would still be drinking if I weren't forced into rehab. I could have drank myself to death by now for all we know. And over the past few months, I've gotten better. I've built up my confidence, and I truly believe that I do have a good future. I still have a long way to go, but for the first time in years, I have hope."
"That's great to hear. I guess you're probably wondering why I showed up at the meeting." Olivia braced herself for the story she was going to tell.
"The thought had crossed my mind," Casey said.
"Well...I can't really pinpoint exactly when my drinking problem started. There wasn't a particular event that set me off. It was a culmination of a lot of things. You know all about my mother...I'm positive I inherited some of her addictive traits. My brother caused me all sorts of problems. I hadn't been in a real relationship in ages, and I have no real family. I felt incredibly isolated. The cases have gotten even worse. It's like people are trying to outdo each other with the most sick and twisted forms of abuse imaginable. And I've been dealing with the trauma of being a victim. It wasn't a full assault, but it was damn close. So add that all up, and you get one full blown alcoholic."
"Oh my god, Liv. I'm so, so sorry." Casey replied.
"It's alright...I'm working through all of this in counseling. But here's where it gets complicated. I'm now in a relationship with a wonderful woman. It's...Alex Cabot."
"Wow. I don't really know her, but I always felt like I was living in her shadow. It seemed like you really missed her when she left. I'm glad that you've found someone to make you happy. Why would this relationship complicate matters?"
Olivia sighed. "I had taken my drinking too far on a few occasions with her. She made me promise to not drink anymore or else I would have to get treatment. Well, I was able to stop...for a few days. But then I had a meltdown, and even though I love her, and sincerely wanted to keep my promise, I completely blew it. She's the most important person in the world to me, and I let her down."
"What happened, Liv?"
"A mutual friend came in to town and we agreed to meet up for dinner. Well, earlier in the day a perp had really riled me up. I mean, he got right under my skin. So much so that Cragen sent me home. And I decided to drink. I told myself I would only have one...and as you've probably guessed, one turned into I don't know how many. I did make it to the restaurant, but soon I too blacked out. Great minds act alike, huh?" Olivia gave Casey a wry smile.
She continued. "But the blackout wasn't the end. No, I ended up almost drinking myself into a coma. I had to be rushed to the hospital to get treated for alcohol poisoning."
Casey gasped. "Liv, please tell me there wasn't any permanent damage."
Olivia shook her head. "Thankfully no. But Alex was devastated, and once I came to, I realized I had to get help. For me and for her."
"We both had our asses kicked into sobriety," Casey said. "How is your treatment going, if you're comfortable sharing?"
"I'm not gonna lie, it's tough. But I really like my doctor, and I've already implemented a few coping techniques she's showed me. The cravings are still there though. In fact, that's why I went to the meeting today. I've pretty much moved in with Alex, and she's keeping a completely sober house. I also have regular check-ins from the guys and my friends. But the doctor felt that I needed to spend some time alone so that I could deal with the cravings on my own. I could barely stand to be in my apartment and needed something to relieve the tension, so I searched for the closest AA meeting."
"You made the right choice. You didn't drink. And hey, it led to us having this conversation," Casey replied.
The two women sat quietly for a few minutes, finishing off their coffees.
Olivia looked at her phone. "Wow, it's later than I thought. I should be getting home to Alex."
"I completely understand, Liv. I'm glad we ran into each other, even though it wasn't under the most ideal circumstances."
"Agreed. I've missed you, Casey."
"I've missed you too."
Both women stood up and headed to the door. Once outside, they hugged goodbye and headed their separate ways. Olivia took about ten steps before turning around.
"Hey, Case!" she shouted, as she walked towards the younger woman.
Casey stopped and waited for Olivia.
"This might be an intrusive request, and you can totally say no if you want. I really felt comfortable talking to you. It felt like someone finally could relate to what I am going through. Alex is amazing, but she hasn't been through this. So...would you like to be sober buddies? I could call you, you could call me, and we can both support each other in our sobriety."
Casey smiled. "I would love that, Liv. This was the first genuine conversation I've had about my alcoholism outside of therapy. My friends have been supportive enough, but it's just like you said...they've never experienced it, so they don't get it."
"Perfect! Same number?"
"Yep, that's one thing that's been consistent," Casey confirmed. "Yours is the same too?"
"It is. Thanks, Casey. I'm glad we found each other again. And really, call me any time, day or night. Right now I'm on leave, so work won't interfere."
"The same goes for you. I work my nine-to-five, but I can always take breaks."
"Hey, maybe we can do dinner soon. You can get to know Alex better, and we can talk about other topics. Like how much the Yankees suck." Olivia laughed.
Casey rolled her eyes. "Yuck, I almost forgot that you support that little league team in Queens. I root for winners, Benson. Your team hasn't won since the Reagan administration."
"We have heart. We're the underdogs. You just wait and see," Olivia shot back.
"Yeah, by the time the Mets win again I'll be in a nursing home. Anyway, I'd love to have dinner with you two. Figure out a time and place and I'll be there."
"Great! Thanks again, Casey. I'm really glad to have you back in my life."
"Me too, Liv. Now you're stuck with me." Casey grinned. "Tell Alex I'm looking forward to dinner."
"Will do. Bye, Casey."
Olivia walked to the subway station feeling like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Finally, she had someone who not only understood the grasp of alcoholism, but was also someone she felt completely at ease confiding in. She would always be truthful with Alex, but even though Alex cared, she could never fully comprehend Olivia's struggle.