She's the coolest cat Vale's ever seen,
The blackest faunus there's ever been
With kung fu kicks,
and hot ass back flips.
She's a friend to all the beasts
and a beast to all be brutes,
a killer through and through,
on the streets or in the bedroom.
She's the badass in the night,
looking after the city in plight,
She's...
DY-NO-MITE. DY-NO-MITE.
BLAKE DYNAMITE
THE BLAKE DYNAMITE FRANCHISE IS AN ORIGINAL INTELLATAL PROPERTY, OWNED BY FILM COMPANY CHICKENBEAK, SETTING DEVISED BY PERSONWITH MANY ALISES. PLAGIARISM WILL BE MET WITH LEGAL ACHTUNG. THEFT WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.
Episode 7593: FAREN-FIGHT 451
It was night in Vale, and at that hour, the place to be was at Junior's. The hottest club in the city, only the coolest dudes were allowed in to dance, drink, and score with total babes.
Naturally the front doors were the gateway between cool people and not-cool people. Coolness was not a matter of dress or belief, but attitude, and if you had a bad attitude, you were not-cool, whether you were inside or outside. And if you weren't, if your attitude was causing problems, your ass was bounced right out. Just like the weedy little loser who was kicked clean out the double doors while a crowd looked on.
Exiting after the poser stood Vales most badass chick, Blake Dynamite, the faunus who took no shit over her ears, and wore a black leather trench coat to prove it.
"Ya damn furry!" The teenaged punk snarled, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Congressman Schnee's nephew! I can do whatever I want! I'll have your stupid cat ass bounced into a prison-"
Blake Dynamite brought her fingers together, and the cracking noises emanating from them were loud enough to set off earthquake detectors. The little loser shut up.
"Now you listen here, you cracker ass humie turkey. If Tricky Schnee got an issue, he can come down here and take it up with me, but until then, I don't care if you're the president's nephew, the tooth fairy, or Qrow T. Robot himself. I see you goin' after a lady again after she already politely says no, I'll make sure the only way you'll have a woman even look at you is if you call her 'sir'! Can ya dig it?"
"You haven't heard the last of me! Damn furry!" The punk shrieked, and ran off, waving his fists impotently.
Meanwhile, some foxy chick in a dress came exited the club, eyes all glistening with awe. Also, by 'foxy', it meant the chick had a fox tail and ears coming out of her, "Thank you Blake Dynamite! If you weren't there at your private booth, I would have been accosted by that brute!"
Blake nodded calmly, "It's no problem, baby. As long as Blake Dynamite's here, no suckah's gonna get away with mistreatin' the girls."
As soon as she finished saying that, Velvet Scarlatina appeared, running over, bawling her eyes out.
"Blake Dynamite, it's terrible! Tukson's been killed!"
The badass' eyes widened in shock and horror, "Again!? How?"
"I only overheard from the police at the bookstore! He was kicked in the face to death!"
"Damn it, they've gone too far, killing the owner of my favorite bookstore!" Blake Dynamite snarled, one fist raised to emphasize bloody vengeance. "I swear, Tukson's death will be avenged! The suckah that messes with one of us is gonna find out he's dealin' with all us Faunus!"
Vale's most badass hustler was on the prowl.
BLAKE DYNAMITE BROUGHT TO YOU BY PUMPKIN PETE'S APPLE FRITTERS. NOW IN CHERRY-VANILLA FLAVOR.
As usual, Blake made her presence known in the Vale's police department HQ, full of them cracker humies, by kicking the cop at the door so hard he opened it for her with his body.
"SUUUEEEIII!"
The nominally unimportant cop slid to a comatose halt at the feet at two senior detectives who weren't surprised at all at the arrival of Vale's biggest badass stepping through the blasted door.
"Detective Burns, Heyman. You know why I'm here!"
"Damn it, Dynamite!" Burns sighed, "This is precisely the reason you were kicked off our experimental all-Faunus police unit created to boost PR!"
"And now you've used the training we gave you to be a private detective and Vale's biggest, most out of control badass!" Heyman added.
"If I recall, it was because my arrest record was 300 percent higher than the whole police precinct combined that you found the flimsiest excuse to get me off the force!"
"We had nothing to do with the Chief's decision! And I find the thought you consider an exploding Dust Mine to be a flimsy excuse to be ridiculous! Even if we found out later it was being used to conduct illegal Freelancer research!"
"That's the only reason I decided to still trust you after all this time. Even if you're part of the system used to suppress us faunus' rights, you still haven't been brainwashed enough to turn your head from obvious wrongdoings. Now tell me, whaddya got on Tukson's death this time?" Blake demanded.
"The only clue we got was off Tukson's face, which had a shoeprint of a size 10."
"That's it?"
"That's it. Whoever was behind the murder was very good at leaving no traces."
"Damn!" Blake Dynamite cursed, "It's a start, but with only this fact, that means I got only once choice!"
"Blake Dynamite, you don't mean..." Detective Heyman whispered, gasping.
"It looks like I have to visit my contacts within the White Fang!"
BLAKE DYNAMITE BROUGHT TO YOU BY NINJAS OF LOVE. LOOK FOR THE LATEST EXCITING EDITION AT A BOOKSTORE NEAR YOU.
There was a White Fang staging ground in Vale, based in an old warehouse. It was a secret place, and when members weren't rallying, they were practicing their mad Judo skills to preemptively commit self defense against the corrupt and decadent Valean humie upper class that were keeping them down by refusing Unionization or higher minimum wage. Or dental insurance.
Inside, crowds of cool dudes with all sorts of prickly animal bits were flippin' out and practicing their kicks, leaving them unaware of the new body that silently snuck in through the main entrance of their warehouse until it was too late, and Blake Dynamite's voice came out clear through the hall.
"How's it going, you suckahs?"
The militants turned, startled.
"How'd you get in here!?" One of them, a monkey faunus shouted, while a camera probably took an opportunity to make a long, lingering pan shot down his disgustingly well sculpted stomach.
"I walked in. Now I wanna talk to the man in charge here!"
"We know who you are, Blake! You're nothin' but an undercover pig working for the humie fuzz! Private detective my ass! Where are you when we're pushing for Faunus rights and better working conditions!? You think you can see the boss faunus, you got another thing coming, Uncle Elizabeth!"
There were a few cries of agreement, while various other faunus began encircling the pair. Blake gave a derisive sniff, feeling absolutely unthreatened.
"Listen here, you wussy little pop star wannabe looking turkey, while you suckahs are standing around, shouting for change, I'm right down there in the streets where it's all happenin' making sure we're safe from the hands of The Man! Now, you gonna call me out for being too busy bailing your asses out from retaliation to stand front and center at every rally, that's fine, but you think I ain't lookin' out for us faunus for even a second, I'm gonna kick your ass, especially since you're currently standing in my way to Tukson's killer!"
Before the situation could escalate into Blake flipping out and laying an entire warehouse full of people onto their asses, a voice called out, saving dozens of lives from Blake Dynamite fury.
"Let her go, Sun."
Emerging from the shadows was some red headed horn wearing dude with a black coat almost somewhat as badass as Blake's, if it weren't for that fruity looking flower design he had printed on its back. To save himself from the embarrassment of the custom tailoring, he saw it fit to wear a mask over the upper half of his face, cleverly preventing him from dying of mortification.
The monkey faunus Sun, looked back at the man with some trepidation.
"But Adam-"
"It's okay. There's not a person among us I would consider any more faunus than Blake Dynamite. It's been many moons since you've left my dojo, padawan."
Blake frowned, "Goddamn it, Adam, don't you speak that Chinese cartoon shit at me!"
"Still angry as ever, Dynamite-san. Your rage was a great asset while I trained you in the ways of 80s Ninjutsu. It's a shame you never completed my training. You could have been extremely badass."
"Hey, I ain't here about the past. I'm here about what's happenin' right now, and it's the death of one of us faunus. You know the fuzz ain't gonna try and bring the killer to justice so it's up to me to find the truth! I know Tukson still rolled with you even if he was mellowing out with that awesome bookstore of his. You better respect his bookstore because it showed we could run some real badass intellectual enterprises! But I wanna know is if you saw him running with any suspicious cats that wore size ten shoes!"
"The same size tens that murdered his faunus ass."
"Amen."
Adam nodded and rubbed his chin in very sifu way, "Hm. As a matter of fact, I know there were some sneaky looking humies that Tukson had been dealing with for the past month. He always said it was a personal matter, so I never pried, but I know one of them wore size tens."
"Ah ha!" Blake said, grinning, "You got a name for the suckah?"
"I do. In fact, I believe you know him by reputation quite well."
"Hit me with it, Adam. I smell a Blake Dynamite beatdown on the horizon!"
BLAKE DYNAMITE BROUGHT TO YOU BY SAMURAI SHAMPOO. THE SILKY PERFECT TOP KNOT THE WARRIOR IN YOU DESERVES.
At a local park, two disreputable figures of Vale's streets were cooling their heels, after taking over a park table and sitting on it, their shoes on the bench, in a show of extreme civil disobedience.
Since they were passing time being thankful for their good luck, the universe saw it fit to deliver them into the hands of Vale's biggest badass, who had tromped up to them with the baddest glare she could muster at the two punks.
"Mercury Black, Emerald Sustrai? I'm only gonna say this once. I know you're behind Tukson's death!" Blake accused, with a raised finger full of faunus fury, "You're the only professional sneaks in the past week who's been harassing Tukson, and your shoe sizes match! Jig's up, crackers! You got two choices, you can either come clean to the fuzz, or get your ass served a silver platter of Blake Dynamite Revengeance Flying Ninja Kicks!"
Mercury Black, some punk with far well too conditioned, swept back hair, gave it a good shake while tilting his head back to give a hearty laugh.
"I should have known that Blake Dynamite would have come after me! Too bad that your so called badassery ends today! I'm the coolest cat this side of Vale, and Emerald here is the baddest suckah there'll ever be!"
"Damn straight!" Emerald agreed.
"Well, if you're so sure of your cred, you won't be afraid to put your moves to the test?" Blake snorted, before pulling herself into a fashionable Karate stance.
"Say your prayers, ya dirty furry! Humies got it made from here on out! Emerald, kick her ass!"
Emerald leapt off the table, her arms and legs full of blurring fury as she summoned up years of Turkish-Egyptian style Chinese Kung Fu.
"Woooaaaarggh-!" Emerald began.
"Blake Dynamite Judo Chop!"
Emerald went down like a sack of potatoes after Blake pimpsmacked her in the neck.
"That's all the muscle you got, Mercury? 'Cause now this dirty furry's is gonna wipe you clean off the map!"
"Bah! You'll never get me!" The ne'er do well cried, before leaping from the table onto a hotrod bike that happened to be nearby, and raced out of the park and onto the highway. At the edge of Vale, Mercury came to a screeching halt, and looked back at the empty road, laughing.
"That's why they call me Mercury, because I've left your ass in the dust!"
"You were saying something?" Blake Dynamite said, just happening to be in front of him. At her feet was the still unconscious Emerald, trussed up like the turkey she was.
Mercury turned back around so fast his head could have snapped off.
"What the- That's impossib-"
"SUUUUEEEEI!"
With that Blake did a three-sixty roundhouse kick into Mercury's face.
"Nooooooo!" Mercury said, before falling off a cliff to his death, and exploding. Blake looked at the conflagration below with grim confirmation.
"Tukson, your death has been avenged. But I know this is only the beginning. There has to have been an ulterior motive for your death! I've got to find out, but that cracker Mercury is deader than fried chicken. That leaves me with only one choice!"
Blake kneeled to look at Emerald, who was now waking from her unconscious state, and found herself tied up, and glared back at the black cat.
"I apologize for smacking your ass out, Emerald, as I have been educated not to lay hands on a lady, except in extreme circumstances. However, I am on an important mission, and I need you to tell me everything you know about why your dumbass friend murdered my buddy Tukson."
"I've got nothing to say to the likes of you!" Emerald spat back.
Blake nodded calmly, "Fair 'nough. But you oughta know that if you stand in the way of righteous faunus justice, I will be forced to use more extreme methods of gaining your compliance, ya dig?"
"You can try all you want, but I'll let you know I used to be a member of the CIA! I've been trained against interrogation and torture! You'll never get anything out of-"
Five Minutes Later, in a Five Star Hotel:
"Aaaaahn~! You'll... never... get me... to talk!" Emerald panted in what was clearly complete and total agony.
"I don't mind if you don't wanna talk right away, baby. We got all the time in the world." Blake retorted with a smoky purr, before using her deft fingers to reach for another pressure point on Emerald that was clearly designed to induce maximum pain and suffering. Emerald, in turn, gave another throaty moan of what was doubtlessly pain, as she resisted as best she could, though her shot nerves told her to surrender rather than let her body draw out this torture any longer.
"Oooh... Blake Dynamite, you're so bad...~"
"You know it, baby."
It would be best to cut off here than go into detail about whatever happened, but let it be known that everything that occurred in that hotel room was clearly extremely graphic and visceral, not suited for young children, and Blake, because she was such a good interrogator, decided to be extra thorough and made sure her examination of Emerald took a few extra hours to make sure she got all the right details out of the girl.
BLAKE DYNAMITE BROUGHT TO YOU BY PEOPLE LIKE GRAPES. IT'S WHAT PEOPLE CRAVE.
Blake Dynamite left the hotel, while fixing the collar of her shirt. Outside, that monkey faunus Sun waited for her with an expression of shock.
"Wow, Blake Dynamite, you did a number on Emerald? What happened to her?"
"She's asleep. I've told the concierge she can stay overnight if she wants."
"...She's asleep!? I thought you were gonna interrogate her for info with pain and stuff!"
"What'chu talkin' about, fool? Blake Dynamite never mistreats a lady, and always makes it up to her if she does by accident."
"But she was screaming in pain for hours!"
"Hush up, fella, you got no idea what you talkin' about. Emerald ain't a matter no more. She spilled her guts on everything. We gotta go back to Tukson's bookstore to discover the truth of why he was murdered!"
"There's more to this?"
"You have no idea!"
Leaving the area, the two made their way back to Tukson's bookstore, still cordoned off with police tape. Still, faunus were independent spirits that didn't allow law enforcement to control where or where they were allowed to enter, and Blake brazenly entered the crime scene, contaminating it forever in her quest for truth.
In the back store room, Blake pointed at a pile of recently delivered cardboard boxes.
"Check it out, Sun. This is what Tukson was killed over. He refused to sell them at his store, but now that he's gone, whoever takes over is gonna dance to the Man's tune."
Opening one of the boxes, Sun looked in and pulled out one of the packages within, perplexed. "Textbooks?"
"The latest edition of faunus oppression! Flip it open to page 276."
Sun did, and dropped his jaw at the contents within:
The Battle of Fort Castle (381 ATD): Humans totally kicked the shit out of the faunus at that battle. All that stuff about faunus night vision being scientifically proven is bullshit. The End.
"...This is heavy."
"Damn it!" Blake snarled fists raised, "Will the Man stop at nothing to devise methods to keep us down? When we ain't being peddled drugs or being muscled out of elections, they're now going after our history! If they get away with publishing these new illegal textbooks, they're gonna keep going until every bit of Remnant's history's been honkified! Think of all the orphan faunus who will live their entire lives without even a shred of cultural pride to uplift them in their darkest hours!
Sun gasped, "The orphan faunus!? No! I used to be an orphan faunus!"
"So did I. But don't you worry, my monkey brother. These suckahs are required by law to show where their printing press is! It's time for Blake Dynamite to unleash some literary justice!"
BLAKE DYNAMITE NOT BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE SCHNEE CORPORATION. FIGHT THE BUREGOUIS FATTIES.
Outside a Completely Ordinary Printing Press, Blake Dynamite had gathered her allies, including Adam, Sun, and Velvet Scarlatina, all of them loaded down with the latest military gear.
"I'm gonna gitcha, suckah!"
With that might war cry, Blake blew open the front doors to the building and stormed in with the others, laying down a wall of ammo that took down all the evil, corrupt security guards in the building.
"Spread out and set the charges! Before the hour's out I will see this den of humie deception brought to to the ground!" Blake yelled, and the others immediately went their separate ways, while Vale's biggest badass charged deeper into the building until she reached the printing room. Kicking open the doors, she came face to face with the man responsible for Tukson's death and all the other reprehensible outrages committed against her people.
"I shoulda known it was you behind all this! There's only one criminal mastermind in Vale sly enough, with the guts, know how, and all out gutless spinelessness to try and take the fight directly against our historical pride, Roman Torchwick!"
At that name, the diabolical criminal turned around with an easy grin.
"Bravissmo! Well done! Slooow clap! Blake Dynamite, in the flesh! I've heard you're one bad-
"Shut yo mouth!"
"-kitty. Still, if it took you this long to find me, I guess you're not as badass as everyone in Vale says you are!"
"We'll see if you'll still whistle the same tune after I install a new set of air holes from your forehead to your neck!" Blake Dynamite snarled.
"We'll see who sings what first!" Roman retorted before reaching for a set of car keys and pressing a button on them. In response, a giant robot thingus burst out from the shadows, firing chainguns and chainsaws and chainsawguns every which way.
Blake dodged back and forth from every attack before bringing a repetition of her mighty fists into the robot's torso, while repeatedly crying "SUUUUUEEEEII!"
The machine collapsed into a wreck atop the printing press that was producing all that incorrect historical info, and the whole thing went up in a giant fireball.
At the same time Sun stuck his head out the door in the back shouting, "Blake, this whole place is going to go up! Get out of here!"
"I'll be right behind you, Sun! Just get out of here!"
While Sun and the other White Fang dudes escaped through the front door, Blake ran away from the explosions peppering the building right up until she leapt through the large windows three stories up, sending glass everywhere while she dived away from the explosion that came out of the window after her. In slow motion.
With the printing press destroyed, Blake Dynamite successfully protected educational standards for people across Vale. Brushing off the glass off her coat, Blake turned and looked around while seeing Roman Torchwick chortling away , riding a rope ladder attached to an escaping helicopter.
"Later losers! No matter how many schemes of mine you foil, I've got powerful friends! Blake Dynamite, you might be Vale's biggest badass, but you can't fight the country!"
"Even if that were so, even if you may have gotten away this time, Torchwick, but I got your number! Let it be known that as long as there's The Man holding us down, as long as there's injustice in the streets, as long as I got blood in my veins, Blake Dynamite will be there, fighting for our way of life, and delivering ass whuppins for all and any turkeys who get in my way!"
DY-NO-MITE. DY-NO-MITE.
A/N: Girl, you're just like Dynomiiiite. When we kiiiisss, my heart explodes... because I know... you used your ninja crap on meeee...
You know, thinking about it, I can imagine a universe where Blake works part time by acting in low budget B-movies. She didn't mind settling for "vapid looking background fanservice extra"; wearing a bikini for a few hours a day for the latest production, but dumb luck, cast walk offs, and last minute script rewrites catapulted her through the glass ceiling and fixed her in public consciousness as a tough as nails, pants wearing action heroine riding a wave of faunusploitation films.
"RWBY" Property of "Rooster Teeth" and Monty Oum.
SUCKAAAAAHS.