40 A case of bad handling

"So, he's going to die?" Merlin said, fingering the cushion, looking this way and that, looking, in fact, at anything but at the aggravated Prince in front of him.

"Yes" Arthur retorted, roughly. He did not trust his voice when it came to Antek.

Merlin shrugged, fidgeted, shrugged again. "Well, good riddance" he finally snarled, his voice cold and hard.

The brutal injustice and cruelty of that remark left Arthur winded, like a hard kick in the stomach.

Elegantly, Merlin rose to his feet and mumbled something about being hungry and all, face turned towards the tent's exit.

The magician had almost made it out, when Arthur's voice reached him. "If you leave this tent now, I swear I'll banish you from Camelot for life!"

Merlin stopped in mid-stride. He swallowed, hard, but he did not speak. Nor did he turn back.

He flinched when he heard the rash, angry steps in his back, and yet Arthur had to grab him by the shoulders to turn him by force. "Merlin, I'll ask you just this once: Did you finish Antek off? Did you kill him?"

"Perhaps Your Highness would have preferred your own death. Or your son's?" the wizard did not add "or mine?" but Arthur heard it nevertheless. It was written about his court sorcerer's face. As was the utter heartlessness and cruelty of the question. Arthur let go of the other, he could no longer bear the touch. He would have liked to leave and never see the magician again, and it cost him a lot of self-control to ask again, as calmly as he could: "What happened back there, Merlin? Tell me!"

"You were there…."

"Damn it, magician, answer my question!"

"You would not understand…"

"Merlin, you're going to explain it to me as often and as long as it takes, once, twice or a hundred times, until I do understand, did I make myself clear?" Arthur was virtually roaring now.

"I needed a cover. When Agneta's blade and Khilgarrah's enchantment dragged you, and Thomas and Antek inside the Rashnijaan, I was dragged along, as Khilgarrah had hoped I would be. The demons would have drained me of my magic, I gave Antek my looks so that they went after him long enough for me to take your magic blade and finish Anwar off, the old devil. Now are you content?" Merlin had cried it all out in one, rapid sentence, on one note, as if it was the last thing he'd ever say. He was shaking from head to toe.

"So you did kill Antek, just like that!" Arthur raged just as violently.

"I needed a distraction, and he was the only one there!"

"Did you ask his leave or did you just decide he should be sacrificed?"

"Where's the difference?"

"Did you play God, Merlin Emrys? Did you just choose, like Nimue did when it was my mother's life or mine? Choose whose survival would best serve your purpose?"

"I would always choose you! But it had nothing to do with purpose!"

"You were jealous of Antek, from the start!"

"Jealous of that prick? That would be the day!"

"You murdered him, to get me out!"

"Yes, damn it, and I would do it again!" Merlin's voice snapped. He wasn't used to yelling, especially not at Arthur, and they had both been yelling loud enough to shake the trees.

Outside, everyone froze. Leon and Mirella, who had been on their way to Merlin's tent together with Agneta and Marwon, suddenly remembered that they had urgent business elsewhere. Khilgarrah, in the forest nearby, laid his head on his paws. Uther, not too far away, thought it high time to look for Gaius.

Gwen, with Thomas in her arms, suddenly awoke from her maternal bliss and for the first time it dawned on her that, even with her son back, unharmed and laughing, she was not in for a complete, easy happy-ending.

Only Morgaine and her brother did not hear anything of the roar whilst sitting at Antek's side. The three from Cendred's kingdom had neither eyes nor ears for their surroundings. Morgyan touched Antek's hand, shuddered, and shrank back into herself. It was already cold.

Inside the tent, Arthur tried one last time to find out a truth that was enormously important to him. If he'd be relieved to hear that Merlin had killed Antek in cold blood, or if he'd rather hear that Antek had given up his life freely for his friend's, the Prince could not say, just that, at any cost, he had to know. "Merlin, tell me the truth! Did you or did you not ask Antek's permission before you used him as a cover?"

The warlock looked up, his eyes shining. "What does it matter now?"

"Did you? Answer me!"

"Well then, I did. And it wasn't even my idea. There." It was clear from Merlin's voice and face that he did not expect the Prince to believe him. Which was, quite obviously, one of the reasons why he had not said it in the first place.

Arthur sighed despairingly. Merlin the fool, as foolish today as on the day he first came to Camelot. "Then whose idea was it?" the Prince asked, more quietly now.

"A… A… Arenboarth's" Merlin stammered, gobsmacked by the sudden change of Arthur's mood. "I mean….. I don't know really, but I guess Khilgarrah would know Arenboarth's little secret, so perhaps he relied on the Lord Druid's spectre finding me and … helping me in some way, which he did, and together he and Antek shielded me until I could…." Merlin's voice trailed off.

Arthur shook his head. "Merlin, I'm not Gaius. I do not understand a word you're saying."

"I said you wouldn't."

"And I said you're going to explain it to me until I do! Damn your eyes!" Arthur's new found calm vaporized. He was blocking the tent's exit now, not that that was really an obstacle for a warlock, and for the briefest moment Arthur waited for a magic lightning to struck him down or something like that.

Instead, Merlin sighed too, only more irritated than unnerved, and sat down. "All right" he said, with offending patience. "Let's start all over again. We were all dragged into the demons' world. I made contact with Arenboarth's ….. spiritual residue or whatever you might wish to call it, or rather, he contacted me. He warned me off, tried to dissuade me from interfering, as the demons would take my magic and thereby kill me. They tried before. There was Antek, then, and I…"

"Whoa, wait, slow down" Arthur interjected. "Why didn't I see or hear any of this?"

"You're not a magician, clotpole" Merlin snapped. "The Demons' world looks different to me than it looks to you. Besides, Anwar had singled you out already, and his spectre was powerful. And there was Thomas of course. More than enough to distract you. And, luckily, Anwar, who focussed on you and his little plan to save his arse. Now where was I?"

"Sometimes you sound like Gaius" Arthur muttered under his breath, so that Merlin didn't catch that. Aloud, the Prince said: "You mentioned Antek."

"Oh yes. Naturally, Antek could not see Arenboarth…."

"Naturally" Arthur confirmed sarcastically.

"…. but when I told him that I…. we needed a distraction for the Demons so that I could come close enough to kill Anwar before the Demons killed me…., he asked me if I could not disguise him in any way. And the most effective disguise I could think of…"

"Was your own face and shape" Arthur completed the sentence. He had to sit down, too. "And Antek agreed?"

"Yes" said Merlin reluctantly.

"Knowing the risk?"

Merlin shrugged again, and Arthur wished he'd stop doing that. It looked so casual, so uncaring. "I doubt that he really understood all the implications, being magic-blind himself, but I explained as best I could." The magician fidgeted again. "I swear I did. Sorry if I could not reveal an age-old science to him during thirty seconds." Merlin looked not the least bit remorseful. "I sneaked up on Anwar when he focussed on what he thought was me, and stabbed him with the blade. He died, the dragon's and Agneta's enchantments pulled us back into the real world. End of story."

Arthur considered that for a moment. "Arenboarth…" he then said. "Do you think…"

"He's found his peace? Yes. Yes, I'm sure of it." Merlin wanted to stop, let it sink in, but the words were on his lips and out before he could hinder them. "They're all at peace now, Arthur. Arenboarth, Antek…. let them rest, for the Gods sake."

Arthur seemed not to hear him. "So it was as I thought" he said flatly. "Antek died for me and I owe him. My life and the life of my son."

"Take it easy" Merlin said. "If he had not done it willingly, I would have forced him. See? Didn't matter. I went in there to get you and Thomas out. I'm a Pendragon, and as such I'm much happier without a single Llanfair in this world, thank you very much. You owe me, and nobody else."

"You're right" Arthur said, still in the same dreamlike manner.

"I am?" Merlin asked back, disbelievingly.

"I'm not a magician, so I do not understand the world you live in, not really. But you're a peasant by birth, you do not understand what such an obligation means to me, in my world. What I owe to Antek…."

"What about some gratitude to me?" Merlin said flippantly.

"Oh, for the Great Mother's sake, shut up" Arthur yelled, and a second later, he was gone.

Merlin considered following him, but for once he could not muster the courage.

He had to admit, this hadn't gone very well.

"So" Gaius said on entering, with his arms folded in front of his chest and a deep frown. "You gave our Prince some consolation on the death of his friend?"

"Oh, what do you know!" Merlin shouted back, on the brink of wrathful tears.

"Nothing, of course" Gaius retorted "I'm stupid enough to assume that you're still jealous of a dead man. Now, that surely is a sign of wisdom very becoming in so wise and superior a sorcerer as you, but….."

"You know what?" Merlin yelled "I'm done here. With you, with Camelot, with everything. I'm going away, for good. Then you'll all feel much better." He stomped towards the outside, and escape.

"Merlin" Gaius said patiently.

A huff, a snort, and stomping feet.

"Merlin!"

The warlock stood still. "What?" he growled.

"How often, what do you guess, did I think about leaving Uther?"

Merlin now drilled his foot into the ground with a deep scowl of his own. "Come to think of it - why didn't you?" he snapped.

"For the same reason for which you will never leave Arthur. Because he needs you."

"Like a pain in the arse." Merlin was now kicking the ground.

"Arthur came to you for an answer, didn't he?"

"Only to ask me if I murdered his precious Antek."

"And if you had said yes, you'd done Arthur a hell of a favour."

Merlin turned round, eyes wide. "What?"

"Alas, a favour for which he'd never thanked you" Gaius sighed. "So it is much better that you did what you did."

Merlin's face was blank. "Gaius, you've lost me."

Gaius grinned, patted Merlin's head, and went away. "I think not, my boy" he said, chuckling. "I think not."

Merlin hesitated, but finally he could not help himself: "Gaius, I didn't do too badly, inside the Demons' world, did I?"

The healer turned, came back, and hugged the younger man, fiercely, so that it almost hurt. "You did well, Merlin" he said. "And the Gods know, you did me proud, my boy. Very, very proud!"

"Well, that's something" Merlin grumbled, and he hugged the old man back.