A/N: Hey, remember me? It's been a while... Ha, we all make those promises of uploading regularly, but then it never happens. I apologise... and forgive me my shotcomings, but I won't be uploading regularly... just whenever I get the chance... it's close to Christmas... Another year almost gone... Anyone else freak out about the whole 12:12 on 12/12/12? It's the last time that will happen... Suppose that means good luck or something... Anyway, thanks for reading. Reviews are kind... JusticeIsn'tEasy0083. D.

Chapter Eight: New Year's Resolutions

They hadn't been wondering whether or not Christmas would be spent together, it was a given. Blaine was being all sentimental about how they would have their first Christmas together, and it would be the start of something wonderful. Kurt was excited for the New Year. They'd done Christmas, and memories and photos were splayed out on the kitchen table for Holly to look through, as Kurt's thoughts turned to the New Year. It would be a testament to how much they are yet to discover about one another, and what they are still too afraid to share, as to whether or not their new-found relationship can thrive in the years to come. Kurt's not afraid to share his life with Blaine... some things he'd rather his boyfriend didn't know, but on the top of his list of resolutions, sits 'I will be more open with Blaine about my past' . Maybe it's a long shot that everything he puts on his resolutions list will come to fruition, but there's a chance that it will, and he wouldn't give that up for anything... Kurt is so organised, he has lists for everything. People should know that about him by now... The celebration is apparently going to be "another giant spectacle" according to Puck, who insists that they have it at their place, as it would be easier to "control what his wife does" rather than having to worry about her taking over the party if it were to be a someone else's house. Everyone seems to agree that the Puckerman's should host this year, and secretly, Kurt's glad they told everyone about their relationship, because Rachel immediately winks and asks Blaine if he'd like to come as Kurt's date, to which Kurt rolls his eyes, and exclaims that they're dating, and even if he weren't allowed, Blaine would still be attending... Rachel just smiled and walked back to where Quinn and Tina were fussing over Kelly, and the blonde former head-cheerleader was telling Tina all about her pregnancy.

Kurt hadn't been able to talk to his brother about becoming a father as of yet. Puck seems to have spoken to his best-friend, which is okay, but Kurt's worried that Finn will do something stupid and end up breaking Quinn's heart. He can't be spending all of his time with the boys, now that he has a baby on the way. It's even more difficult, when Kurt hears that Artie, Sam and Joe will be attending the New Year's Party, at Puck's request of course. Kurt doesn't mind spending time with them, he loves all his friends of course, but like he said... he's worried about his brother, and that's not something he takes lightly, especially because it's his niece or nephew he has to worry about too. Quinn wanted to be surprised when the baby came, but she's almost three months along, and is regretting not finding out the sex, because it makes it harder to decorate the nursery. Kurt had almost burst into tears when Quinn had told him about her husband's redecorating, and ideas for their child's room. That was one sign that his brother was going to be okay, the next, was a simple action on Finn's part, upon greeting his wife, kissing her once, and then her stomach, before being dismissed to help Puckerman decorate the backyard of the Puckerman Mansion in North Haverbrooke. The house is about an hour drive from where Kurt lives, but that doesn't bother the designer. Another one of his resolutions is that he's going to be happy and positive about as much of his life as he can, before the daunting task of a trial comes in March.

Rachel had wanted to have a party at the new house since she and Noah had moved there three years ago. After Olivia was born, they'd decided that leaving Lima would be the best thing for them, and when Rachel's Broadway career slumped, Puck took a job as a bouncer and Rachel as a highschool glee teacher, and settled in their mansion sized house, in North Haverbrooke, Pennsylvania. Kurt hadn't been to their new house much. Sebastian and Rachel didn't get along, and Puck wouldn't have the man in his house, because of his past, so Kurt went alone most times... probably more of a chance for Sebastian to cheat on you... he thought to himself, as he helps the girls set the table, and watches Blaine and Holly as they talk and laugh about something Kurt doesn't know about. He doesn't mind that though... he worries, that the other parents will see his relationship with Blaine as detrimental, but nothing has been said as of yet... so hopefully, it will work out for the best. I don't think I'll survive another broken heart... Kurt said to himself, stopping mid action to push away the hurt and memories of Sebastian, and focus on what he has, and the events of the day... it's a little hard to keep his mind off the fact that he may lose custody of his daughter... the shining light in his life... other than Blaine now, of course... Finn had been coming up with one idea after another of how to drive Sebastian out of Philadelphia, or make him look like an unfit parent. Kurt appreciated everything his brother was doing, sticking up for him, and defending their family, but there comes a point, where you just need to stop talking about it... That's all Kurt wants to do... ring in the new year, with a positive outlook on life, and hope that 2013 is going to be better than 2012... I don't see how, but we'll find a way...

Blaine starts off the toasts, when they're all seated around the large table in the Puckerman's dining room. He's the newest member to the group, so Tina and Mercedes insisted he be the one to make the speech, introduce himself a little, and tell stories about his life, and relationship with Kurt and Holly...

'Ah, for those of you who don't know me, my name is Blaine Anderson. I'm Kurt's boyfriend, and Holly's teacher. I know that Kurt and I haven't been together that long and maybe I'm a dreamer, but I've always wanted to be surrounded by people like this, to have a family who loves and respects one another, and with all of you, I have that. I hope to be around for a long time, and thank you to the Puckerman's for this delightful party and meal,' Blaine said, raising his glass in the air, before re-taking his seat, and clinking glasses with Kurt, Rachel, Quinn and Mercedes, who launched into a conversation about the New Directions in highschool.

'There was this one time, when we were in the Cheerio's together, and Santana was like 'oh how can you two manage to be the newest and best cheerleaders we've seen this season' and Kurt was like "because we got style..."' Mercedes said, not missing Blaine's reaction to hearing his boyfriend was a cheerleader...

'Mercedes, I think you have too many stories stored away in that fabulous brain of yours,' Kurt said, standing and moving into the kitchen to get another drink... his third for that day

'So Blaine, how did you get into teaching?' Kurt heard Santana ask, and took a moment to watch his "family" before returning to his seat, winking at Rachel who was watching him, a small smile on her face...

Finn couldn't remember the last time he'd spent the day with his brother, without any distractions from friends or family. Not that he doesn't love them, of course he does, but it goes without saying. In highschool, he never used to get the chance to spend a day with his brother, because he was always with Mercedes, or Santana... so when Kurt explained that he had to go into work for a couple of hours, Finn jumped at the chance to go with him... the designer had almost choked on the water he was drinking, when his brother had asked, but agreed to leave Holly with Blaine and the New Directions... Quinn was also shocked at her husband's sudden need to spend time with his brother... had he done something she doesn't know about? Oh if that man has done something stupid... I'll kill him before Kurt gets the chance to... Quinn thought, kissing Finn's cheek before he was dragged out the door by Kurt... Rachel was looking from Quinn to Puck and back again, before deciding that her ex was acting weird, and it's none of her business. Instead, she starts a conversation with Quinn about the baby shower she wants to throw for her, and Tina weighs in on the conversation as well as Mercedes... each throwing their ideas around... in the background, just listening, is Santana... why she would be paying attention to such a lame conversation is beyond her, but Brittany is trying to explain to Mike about something Lord Tubbington did, and she can't help but wonder what it would be like to have a child she could call her own... or even if Britt was the biological mother, a child that would call her mom, or mummy... Where the hell has this come from? She asked herself, watching as Blaine and Holly engaged in a conversation about Kurt, smiling and remembering back to the time Kurt had asked her to be surrogate to his beautiful daughter... well... sort of... a story for another time Santana... Brittany is talking to you... she thought, shaking the thoughts away, before turning to her girlfriend.

Kurt led Finn through the large building foyer of Hudmel-Lopez and Co, over to the elevator which was actually not busy, shockingly... Finn may be a partner in the company, but he's never been into headquarters, nor has he seen Kurt's office on the top floor. He works for the record label on the tenth floor, and sometimes helps out Santana with marketing on the thirteenth floor, but the eighteenth floor is where Kurt's office is. He usually works on the seventeenth, for MerBerry, and Quinn is the receptionist, but also being CEO has its perks... being the eighteenth floor. Of course, Quinn is off today, so the reception desk is empty and as soon as the elevator doors open, Finn's mouth drops open, and he gaping like a codfish. Kurt just smirks as he makes his way to the large double doors at the other end of the room, letting Finn inside, before closing them, and moving over to his desk. Finn takes a seat opposite his brother, wondering if he should ask the question he's been dying to know all day... Quinn had told him about this building, but he'd never had a reason to come up and see Kurt... he stopped by to see his wife all the time... Kurt was either in a meeting, or sketching... or even making clothes... he just never thought it reason enough to come up here... you should stop pretending that you just wanted to spend time with Kurt and tell him why you really left the comfort of your best-friend's house to spend three hours being bored... no offence...

'Kurt, dad rang me the other day. He wants you to fly back to Lima before the trial and spend a couple of weeks with him and Carole. He wants to meet Blaine and see Holly,' Finn said, the silence in the room making his voice echo

'Finn, I have so much stuff to do here. I can't pack up and leave for two weeks,'

'Is it because you have to work, or because you're afraid that introducing Blaine to mom and dad means that you're in a committed relationship and you're scared of getting hurt again?' Finn asked, knowing he'd hit the nail on the head when he brother shifted uncomfortably in his seat

'I don't know what you're talking about Finn,' Kurt replied softly, his conscience squawking in his head bingo... bingo...

'Blaine told me that his new year's resolution is to tell you he loves you... but he's afraid you're not ready to say it back...' the taller man said, picking up the magazine on Kurt's desk and flipping through it... leaving his brother with his thoughts...

The first thought he had was oh my god, Blaine loves me... and then, after taking a moment to process the words, he realised the point that Finn was making... of course he loves Blaine... he's head-over-heels... is he ready to say it? No, probably not. Finn would be right on that matter... he doesn't want Blaine to think he doesn't love him though... I do love him... I can admit it to myself, but saying it out loud is something entirely different... I don't even say it to Mercy anymore... she knows though? Right...? Kurt asked himself, glaring at his brother, who was too busy reading the magazine to pay attention to the death glare he was receiving from his brother. Stupid Finn putting these thoughts into my head whilst I'm trying to work... stupid Finn for being Finn... Kurt thought, trying to control his thoughts, and move them back to the work he was doing... if Blaine was going to say that he loved Kurt, then the designer was going to make sure he could say it back... if that meant he'd have to endure talking to his therapist for a whole week, then he'd do it, but he's going to be able to say 'I love you too' to Blaine, so help anyone who tries to stop him... that's his new year's resolution... bring on 2013 bitches... Kurt thought, smirking to himself.

The silence in the office was becoming more and more annoying to Finn. It's not that he can't be silent, he can, just not for the amount of time Kurt obviously needs. The three times he's tried to leave, Kurt has glared at him, so he's stayed seated. He's too afraid to move, without being told that he's allowed to... why should he be afraid of Kurt? They're brothers, surely... they fight like brothers, they behave like children with their pathetic arguments, and most of the time Finn is quite sure... Kurt lets him win arguments; he knows he has no chance in hell of ever winning on his own. This time, however, he's not ready to just let Kurt give him this one... he wants Kurt to fight him, tooth and nail until he's got nothing left to fight with... he wants his brother to express what he's really feeling... to tell Blaine that he loves him, to go and see their parents, even though it's the one place on earth Kurt hates the most... Finn knows all of this... he's not a bad person for wishing Kurt would visit their parents... he just wants closure to that part of his life... to that part of Holly's life, and Kurt's life... he wants it over and done with before he becomes a father... before Kurt becomes and uncle... and god help him, before Blaine tells him that he loves him... if Kurt can't say it back, Blaine will be crushed...and they'll both be miserable... Finn thought, knowing the look on Rachel's face after their final fight, knowing they would never love one another the same way again... sure, he loves Rachel as a friend, and he always will, but Quinn is his one true love... his wife... the mother of his unborn child... how can he not say 'I love you' to her?...

Deciding that he's done with hiding away from the world today, Kurt stands, stretching his arms above his head, before deciding that it's time to head back home, and face the new year with fake enthusiasm, as he prepares for the court case, and hopes that Sebastian doesn't dig up the one big secret he's worked all these years to keep hidden from the world... no one knows about it... well, a few people do, but only the ones involved... Kurt can't tell Blaine about that part of his life... he can't tell anyone... they wouldn't understand... obviously, it's something that will stay with him forever... but when you do the crime, you have to do the time, and that's what Kurt is doing... His brother looks relieved as they head towards the elevator to take them down to the car park... Finn looks like he'd rather be holed up with his best-friend, watching sport of Kurt's wide screen with beer, than sitting in a bland office all day, flipping through the same magazine thirty times... Kurt remembers back to the time he used to sit in the waiting office at Sebastian's work, and the number of times he would read through his own magazine... it was ridiculous... if someone tells you a time to be picked up, you would expect that person to be ready by that time... but no, it was almost three instead of two thirty... why on earth did I think about that? Kurt thought, stepping out into the car park, Finn following close behind, like there is an invisible leash around his neck.

'You know, you're wrong Finn... I won't freak out if Blaine says those three words to me...' Kurt said, breaking the silence as they got into the car...

'Yes you will. You can't even say them now... you don't say it to me, or Quinn... or Mercy... you won't be able to say it back when the time comes... because you can't even say them out loud right now...' Finn replied, beginning to get frustrated with his brothers inability to admit that he needs help, or that Finn is right...

'Will you just drop the subject? Blaine isn't going to tell me... that... he's not at that point in this relationship...' Kurt replied, pulling into Rachel and Puck's street, and parking out the front of the house... not missing the way that Finn practically flew out of the car, stopping and turning around to yell at Kurt

'You need to admit to yourself that you're broken. You need to ask for help, and you need to admit that I'm right because you know that I am... can you imagine the look on Blaine's face if he says those three words to you, and you don't say it back? He'll be crushed Kurt... I know what that's like... my breakup with Rachel wasn't the cleanest... nor is anyone's, but it hurt for a long time... it took me two months to begin to say, let alone feel, those emotions again... you haven't said it to any of us for a long time Kurt... not since the attack..'

'STOP bringing that up...'

'You haven't told Blaine that you were in a wheelchair in highschool, or that you can't ever sing again, that you're back is destroyed because of what he did... Kurt... if you keep letting Karofsky have this control over your life... you'll never be able to move on...' Finn replied, turning to enter the house, unaware that all the patrons inside had heard their discussion

Kurt didn't follow Finn inside immediately... some part of him... that really tiny part that isn't visible unless you have a microscope... knows that his brother is right... that all those things in his past may be contributing to his inability to say those three words... I can't even fucking think them... I must be more fucked up than I thought... he told himself, then remembered that it was a dark path he was walking on, and that perhaps he should change the direction, after all, it's New Years Eve... the day for making resolutions for the year 2013... He could change anything... anything and everything... his priority of things wouldn't include the ability to say those three magical words that Finn keeps on his back about... he'd never want to put that kind of pressure on himself...

When Kurt returns inside, it's almost seven. Blaine immediately approaches him to ask if he's okay, and why he didn't come back in sooner, but Kurt doesn't say anything, he just moves over to the loveseat, and curls up to his boyfriend, the silence worrying Blaine... he'd head everything that Finn had said earlier... Kurt had been in a wheelchair... he could never sing again... the dreams he must of had... the ones he gave up... Blaine felt the tears rising to his eyes... he knew he'd cry if he kept on the thought train he was on, so he focussed on the group in front of him... each were going around making resolutions for the new year... Sam, David and Nick had been cast in a small indie film that would start shooting in February... according to Wes, when he found out that his boyfriend had been cast, he called Nick, and then managed to get kicked off of Twitter for literally tweeting everyone they knew... eventually he'd been blocked... Mercedes had been telling him about it... she knew that David and Nick were in it as well, even though they'd never met... she could kind of just tell... that, or the fact that she's a producer on the movie could have something to do with it... Rachel's resolution is that she's going to try and get back on Broadway... Finn and Quinn plan for the future, and start a discussion about names for babies... Blaine and Mercedes make a plan to record an album... it would be a dream of Blaine's, and considering that Kurt owns a record label, it all works for the best... through all of the laughter, and happiness Kurt is silent. Taking in what all his friends are saying, smiling now and then... Blaine's peppering light kisses to his forehead, but the designer isn't saying a word... too many things are going through his mind... he needs to call Dr. Carla, and make an appointment, and he needs to talk to his lawyers about this custody case... but what he needs most, is to crawl into bed, and close his eyes, not having to worry about the world... block everything out... the hurt, the pain... fear... that's what he's feeling... all of those emotions he wouldn't let himself feel in highschool are rushing back to him... he knows, any minute now, he'll freak out, and everyone will see what a mess he really is... they'll finally understand why he's been so harsh and cold all these years... and if he's spilling secrets... who knows what might come out... he doesn't realise that Brittany is trying to get his attention, until Finn throws a pillow at him... he mumbles something about being happy with Blaine and Holly, before leaving the room, not another word said...

The balcony seemed like a good place to have a panic attack in private... the only problem is that you can see the balcony from the lounge... Mercedes is the first one to approach him, make sure he's okay, and remind him that if he needs to talk, she's there for him, before kissing his cheek, and heading back inside... of course, Blaine would be the next person... Kurt didn't stop pacing... a million thoughts running through his head... flashes of life in highschool, the feeling of fear, of not being safe... in a city that he knew to be safer than most, he felt more like something bad would happen, than if he were in New York... his boyfriend didn't say anything at first, just watching him, a look on his face that Kurt couldn't quite decipher... in the distance, early signs of fireworks could be seen, but Kurt didn't think about that... or the fact that it's new years, and he's currently caught on the balcony with Blaine and in the middle of a panic attack... he hasn't had an attack since highschool... that being the sole reason, and now that Finn brought up all that... it's all Finn's fucking fault... Kurt thought, trying to find something to hit... but keeping his mind well away from the other pain diffuser... he wouldn't go back there... not again... Mr. Schuester had caught him one too many times in the male bathrooms at McKinley... no... He wouldn't be that person anymore... he's not that person anymore... Karofsky can't get him... neither can Sebastian, nor his lawyers...

'Babe, do you need a drink of water... or to sit... please help me to help you...' Blaine said suddenly, as Kurt turned to face him, breathing steadying out a little...

'I say stupid things when I get like this... I don't know why, it seems to be a coping mechanism...'

'Kurt, you haven't said anything... well, except for what you just... I don't get it babe...' Blaine replied, pulling Kurt into a hug, hoping it would somehow help him to calm down

'This is good... just don't let go...' Kurt said, wrapping his arms around Blaine, as if he were holding on for dear life...

It had been two hours... Finn was worried that Kurt and Blaine had fallen off the balcony and to their deaths, but found the two curled up to one another on the lounge chair. Rachel smiled, before snapping a photo, and returning to the house to grab a blanket... no one had the heart to wake them, so Kurt and Blaine would welcome in the new year, sleeping on an arm chair, with all their friends surrounding them... Puck thought they should be woken up, so Kurt can get drunk, because drunk Kurt is funny... but Rachel threatened him with the one thing Puck would never give up... sex. The fireworks were magnificent, even the children loved them, and Quinn promised herself, that she would try to be more understanding of her husbands relationship with Rachel, when he hugged her, and started showing her the picture of Quinn's first ultra-sound... she couldn't help but smile... Mercedes let the countdown, and the shouting and cheering of ringing in 2013 that should have woken Blaine and Kurt, surprisingly didn't... they returned inside, leaving their friends to sleep... it's not cold outside, which is unusual for December/January... but they look peaceful, and it's not like the deck heater isn't on to keep them warm... Rachel would have had it turned off, but Puck thought they'd be outside celebrating, rather than inside...

'Happy New Year babe,' Blaine whispered, when he was sure everyone was back in the house 'I'm so in love with you right now...' Blaine added...

It was cruel... he knew... but he pretended to be asleep... If only to prevent Blaine from saying it again tonight... he wasn't asleep... he could hear his daughter inside, laughing loudly at something that was going on... his eyes scrunched closed, curled up to Blaine... and all he could think, was that if he couldn't say those words back... where would their relationship end up? That's it Kurt... bring in the year 2013 with negative thoughts... you've already failed at your resolutions... lying to your boyfriend... pretending to be asleep... what next Kurt? Maybe Finn is right... it's time for a trip home to Lima... or maybe it's just time to tell Blaine the truth about the past, and hope... that their relationship can survive it...

A/N: Thanks for reading. Next chapter: It's going to skip ahead a little, because I have nothing to write for January, so we're skipping right through to Kurt and Blaine's first Valentines day, their four month anniversary, and a trip to Lima... Wonder what secrets will come out before the trial? All will be revealed, but you have to be a loyal reader to get the info... stay tuned... Hope you enjoyed... JusticeIsn'tEasy0083. D.