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LadySharkey1 rocks my world by being the most amazing, kick-ass beta I could ever imagine.
Chapter 27
Who knew even rainclouds had silver linings?
"Thanks for coming," I muttered, shuffling towards an empty table at the back of the restaurant. I awkwardly avoided eye contact with him; my ears picked up on the sound of a chair scraping backward and the rustle of his clothes as he sat down, while my eyes were trained to the red and white checkered tablecloth.
"Thanks for calling me," Liam answered, his voice neutral and devoid of the anger I so deserved. "Though, I'm assuming from the way you're avoiding me, this won't be good."
Finally meeting his eyes, my own vision was blurred with tears as I confessed, "I'm sorry, Liam, I really am, but…"
"I'm not Edward," he finished for me, his mouth pressed into a hard line.
I nodded, whispered, "I wish you were…I wish this could have worked."
He sighed. "Who are we trying to fool here, Bella? We were doomed from the start. You weren't ready and I should have seen that. I just thought…"
"It's my fault, though," I insisted. "I knew all along that I wasn't one hundred percent in this. I should have stopped it before things got too far."
"So should I," Liam countered. "Look, I'm not saying this whole thing doesn't piss me off. What I am saying is that I'm not exactly blameless either. Sure, part of me feels like I've been led on a little, but at the same time, I knew what I was getting into. Deep down I always suspected you'd pull the brakes at some point and I let this go as far as you did. I only have myself to blame for that."
I couldn't quite go along with this particular avenue of logic but I wasn't going to argue with him either. Not when this conversation progressed in a more mature and rational manner than even the tamest of the horror scenarios the previous sleepless night had conjured up. "I'm still sorry about the way things turned out."
"So am I," he agreed, letting out a long breath before taking a sip from his coffee. "So I guess this is goodbye then?"
"Yeah," I breathed. "I guess this is."
"For what it's worth: you're an amazing woman, Bella," he spoke, proving once again what a true winner I'd let slip through my fingers. "I sincerely hope you'll find happiness again someday, even though I kinda hate I couldn't be the one to find it with you."
Reaching out across the table, I put my hand on top of his. "You deserve so much better than a woman who's still pining for something she lost a longtime ago."
"I know." Nodding, he let out a deep breath. "But that doesn't mean I don't wish things had turned out differently."
It was only in the car on my way back to Forks that it all started to hit me; the tears and sobs wrecking through me so fiercely that I had to pull onto the shoulder. My head dropped against the steering wheel as I finally gave myself over to the overwhelming sense of being so lost in my own life that a way out seemed almost impossible.
Part of me felt disgusted with the amount of self-pity I allowed myself to feel. After all, this was all my own doing. I was the one who'd pushed Edward away and when he came back, I was the one who chose to remain silent about my love for him. This was all of my own doing and so I ought to feel the pain that came with realizing I wasn't only fighting a losing battle, but I was also singlehandedly destroying every chance I had in the future of ever getting back on the field.
But still…
It hurt so much to know that I'd not only burned the bridges behind me but was also undermining every single hint of a structure in front of me. I couldn't not pity myself.
Another part of me also wanted to blame Edward for everything that had happened, including my inability to let go of him, but deep down I knew that was a lie. I was as guilty as he was in this; for not speaking out; for not standing up for myself; for destroying something so good and pure in the first place…
"Enough!" I finally cried, scaring the bejeezus out of myself and the unsuspecting folks sharing the road with me as I slammed my fists against the wheel, accidentally offsetting the claxon.
But yeah, the sentiment remained the same.
I was done feeling sorry for myself. I didn't deserve it and even if I did, it wasn't like it would ever get me anywhere. As long as I kept hanging on to my regrets, I would be ruining my own life and that of everyone around me. I didn't want to be that person; bitter and angry about things that couldn't be changed.
If I wanted to reclaim procession of myself, I had to start letting go.
As resolved as I was, though, as I turned my car back onto the road to Forks, the grief over how things had turned out with Liam still took over from time to time. I parked my car in the already full driveway of Carlisle and Esme's home and I had to take a few minutes to wipe away the tears and try as best as I could to erase their effects before I joined the party.
And, of course, because Karma is a little bitch, who would be bumping into me while I did?
Edward.
"Shit!" I muttered, halfway through applying some powder to my face to camouflage the red puffiness as I spotted him walking out through the garage, a couple of overstuffed garbage bags in his hands.
As I tried very hard to become invisible, I wished I'd chosen an outfit that would blend in more with my car. Unfortunately, though, I was quite certain that nothing could quite blend in with my beast of a delivery truck, and wearing a blue sweater against a white paint job wasn't quite doing me any favors either.
"Bella?" Even though I studiously avoided the general vicinity in which Edward lurked, there was no mistaking his voice as he called out to me.
Sighing, I opened the car door knowing there was no denying my presence now. "Hi, yeah, I just arrived. How's the party going?"
"Good," he replied hastily, his eyes worried as they scanned my face. "Are you alright?"
I shrugged, not really feeling up to sharing all my deepest, darkest secrets just yet. "I will be."
He didn't seem so convinced. "Are you sure?"
It was only then that I realized I was crying again. Damn. "I think I may need another minute before I join in the festivities."
Without stopping to think or look at him, I took off towards the woods, choosing not to go to my usual spot—our secret spot—I walked to whenever I was upset or when we'd had a fight. I just randomly crossed the street and barged into the woods, towards a place far enough from the Cullen's home so that I wouldn't be detected.
It wasn't long before I could hear his footsteps trailing after me. For some reason it angered me; the confirmation that no matter where I went, I would never be fucking free of him. It was irrational and stupid…childish even…to let the anger I felt for myself divert its focus onto someone else. But in that moment, I was powerless to stop it.
"What?" Turning around, I spat my anger straight at him, causing him to stop mid-step with his left foot still perched a little above the ground as if he was afraid to complete his step. "Can't you leave me alone for just one damn second?"
"You're upset," he stated calmly, finally putting his foot down next to the other as he stared me down, calmly and confidently. "I'd never forgive myself if something happened to you and I just stood there, watching you run off into the woods while you're upset."
It was the one lesson my dad had always taught us when we were kids: never go further than ten paces into the woods when you're not able or willing to pay complete attention to your surroundings. Because as pretty and mysterious as those trees were, he knew through years of search parties for lost, wounded or worse—dead hikers—how many dangers lurked beneath the undergrowth.
"I'll go no further than ten paces out," I promised him in hard words. "Now leave me alone."
He did take a few steps back, waiting until I'd settled down on top of a fallen tree trunk about five big steps away from the edge of the forest but, instead of moving away, he merely leaned against the tree, far enough away to not be encroaching upon my personal space, but close enough that I could see him in my peripheral vision.
Insufferable man!
"Are you deaf?" I cried, my hands grabbed at a moldy branch and waved it around, half determined to swat him away like the annoying insect he was starting to become. "I want to be left alone!"
"No," he answered, his calm only kindling my anger. "But I'm not stupid enough to leave you here either. So, wanna tell me what has you so upset?"
And just like that, the fight left me like air out of a balloon. And with that came the fierce reappearance of the tears my anger had kept at bay. "Liam and I broke up just now," I confessed.
"I'm sorry." He simply stated, no emotions audible in his voice. I dared not look at his face for fear of committing murder if I saw anything triumphant there.
"Don't be," I snapped, angry at myself and him. "It was a long time coming. Besides, you're not really sorry about it."
"I'm sorry you ended up getting hurt," he admitted, his smile laced with sadness as he sighed and leaned against a moss-covered tree trunk.
"It was my own fault," I huffed bitterly, still feeling the need to smash something, though Edward's face wasn't the prime target any longer. "I went into it thinking I could just make it work because I wanted to make it to. I wasn't ready, though, and I knew that from the start… So really? Who was I kidding?"
"You were only trying to do what everyone around you was pushing you into doing," Edward answered, his calm demeanor was beginning to calm me down. "I mean, how many times during the past ten years have people told us we should 'get back into the dating game', claiming it's the only way forward? I, for one, have heard it more times that I want to admit!"
"And yet, you fell for it too" I snickered ironically.
"Well, you know as well as I do that if everyone keeps saying it, at one point or another you're going to start thinking they might be on to something." He shrugged. "Besides, you see how people break up and move on to settle down with somebody else. Who are you to think that can't be you? Especially when you want it to be?"
"Yeah." All I could do was nod. "I just wish that being stuck in limbo didn't suck as badly as it does."
He shrugged. "We'll get through it. Though I have to say that I'm starting to think you're kind of a lost cause!"
"What?" Frowning I turned towards him, noticing only how I'd involuntarily crossed the distance between us while we'd been talking and was standing only a few feet from where he was still leaning against a tree.
"I mean, you're still not over me after I pretty much dismissed you and accused you of being a vindictive, jealous bitch and, most importantly, after I hurt the most precious thing in both of our lives." He whistled, shaking his head. "I don't know if I should be in awe of your tenacity or scold you for still being hung up on the asshole who broke your heart."
"I broke yours first, so I guess this only means we're even now," I tried to joke, though the tone fell rather flat against the weight of our shared history.
"I wish it worked like that." Edward shook his head, his eyes full of sadness and remorse when they locked with mine again. "For now, let's just conclude that we both kinda suck at being in love."
I breathed out slowly, "I suppose you're right. So, where do we go from here?"
"Now we commiserate in each other's misfortune, all while trying to forget we're both responsible for the other's misery," he concluded with a deep sigh. "We could just be friends and do all the shit that couples usually do together. I mean, it would keep us from getting those weird or pitying looks you get when you show up alone, oh, or stage interventions for each other when one of us is in danger of being set up on dates again." He sighed, chuckling as he toed the earth. "That or we decide that since we clearly fail at being with other people, it may mean we're obviously meant to be together, so I could throw you down and make mad, passionate love to you."
If my jaw would have been able to unhinge, it would have dropped the ground as I looked at him in what could only have been described as utter shock. "Are you serious?"
The next thing I knew, Edward was bent over with laughter; his face turning almost purple as he hiccupped in an almost childlike fit until he finally managed to calm himself down again. "Seriously, Bella! You should have seen your face! For a moment there, I thought you were having a stroke!"
I knew I should have been angry with him but, at that moment, all I could feel was relief.
I was relieved to have some of the old Edward I knew and loved so much back, even if it were only for a couple of minutes. And relief that even in spite of everything that had happened over the past few months, we could still just be us and laugh and joke about shit we probably shouldn't be laughing and joking at.
"Come on," he finally offered, brushing a few leaves and pieces of bark from his clothes. "Let's go back before they send out a search party."
"Okay," I nodded, taking his outstretched hand after making sure I didn't look like I'd been dragged through the woods.
There was no awkwardness as we walked back, just companionable silence as we crossed the street again, both of us lost in our own thoughts.
For the first time in ages I felt like maybe I'd taken a small step forward again, after moving backwards in both my relationships with the people I loved, as well as in my own state of mind. I knew that throughout the past couple of months, a few things I really valued might have become broken beyond repair, but as we walked towards his parent's house, swaying our hands between us just like we'd done when we were kids, I started to realize that underneath the rubble, there might have been a few things left that were still salvageable after all.
Esme's smile was beaming as she caught us walking into her backyard together, our hands still clasped even though I dropped his like it was on fire the moment I caught her gaze.
The optimism remained, though.
Thoughts?