All I can ever be to you is a darkness that we knew.
Cressida awoke the next morning to an empty bed and an ache in her muscles that she had not felt in a long while. Her forearms, her inner thighs, even her calves ached in protest of being used in a manner they were not accustomed. She was alone physically, but the scratch of music coming from her front room made her smile and understand she was not actually alone.
She brushed her teeth and wrapped her robe around her body, exiting her bedroom and following the noise into the living room. Her record player was spinning slowly, crackling out the June Christy tune that was moving around in her home, filling it with sound. Johanna was curled on her couch in a pair of Cressida's exercise pants and a tank top she would have normally used for yoga. Her hair was pulled up messily into a ponytail, bits of her fringe hanging over her face and getting in her eyes. In her hands was one of the novels from Cressida's large, imposing book shelf. She tilted her head to get a glimpse at the title.
"Delta of Venus?" Cressida asked, running her fingers through her hair and tipping them over the side. "That's one of my favorites. Anais Nin has a passionate way with words, does she not?" The blonde straddled Johanna on the couch, taking the book from her and placing it beside them. The girl looked up at her wide wide brown eyes, nearly swallowing Cressida whole with her earnest glance.
I knew I hadn't met my match, but every moment we could snatch.
"I love this book," Johanna said softly, wrapping her fingers around Cressida's neck. Their shared love of literature, music and antiquated things always seemed to push at Johanna's libido, igniting her passions in a way she had never felt before. It wasn't ...love. It felt different. Looking into Cressida's eyes that were as clear as Caribbean waters didn't make Johanna warm with the spread of love. She didn't crave her like she did Katniss. Instead it was something else, something more cerebral that somehow made its way to wetness between her legs. It felt almost like Nin had described in the book: literary aphrodisiacs. "There is perfection in everything that cannot be owned."
Cressida smirked at the quote and nodded her head, moving her lips down to Johanna's ear. "I have seen your body and I know it so well, now I want to feel it, with my eyes closed, just to feel the skin and the softness of the flesh. Your legs are so firm and strong, but so soft to the touch. I love your feet with the toes free and set apart like the fingers of a hand, not cramped—and the toenails so beautifully lacquered—and the down on your legs." Cressida slipped her hand below the elastic waistband of Johanna's borrowed pants, cupping her sex which she was delighted to find already wet. "If my hand stays here between the legs, do you feel it? Do you like it? Do you want it nearer?"
Johanna bit her lip in frustration as Cressida moved her fingers along the outside of her sex. Somewhere in her mind she knew the response to that quote, but all she could rasp out was a "Yes."
I don't know why I got so attached.
Cressida smirked and tugged on Johanna's earlobe with her teeth as her tongue drew circles on it. "I want to teach you something. Will you let me do it?" Johanna nodded quickly. She knew what was happening, she knew this scene by heart. Cressida slowly entered her, three fingers filling her and stretching her but holding completely still inside her. She heard Cressida expel a breath into her ear and felt the woman's body shudder against her. Johanna contracted her muscles against Cressida's fingers, bringing her inside just a bit more. "Fuck."
Johanna lifted Cressida underneath her legs and placed her on the couch. She quickly discarded her borrowed top and bottoms, now straddling Cressida's thighs on the couch. Cressida pushed inside her once more and Johanna fell forward, catching herself on the back of the couch on either side of Cressida's shoulders. They moved together in perfect accord, almost mimicking the beat of the song playing from the old stereo. Cressida marveled at how Johanna's body moved. Her sexual instincts were as natural as the melodies that seemed to flow from her. The rolling of her hips against Cressida's hand, the vibrations of her muscles as she tensed and relaxed them with every thrust, all of it seemed to perfectly calculated and yet ...her head was dipped forward in abandon, her lips crashing against Cressida's every so often as she became overcome with a jolt of pleasure.
It's my responsibility, you don't owe nothin' to me, but to walk away I have no capacity.
Cressida had never participated in making love for longer than it took to get both parties off. Johanna was insatiable and Cressida found herself rapidly addicted to the sensations - both aural and physical - of bringing the young girl to climax. Yes, the taboo realization that this girl was only hours away from having been her student and about ten years her junior was part of the allure. But there was more. There was more to it than just sexual satisfaction, it seemed to both incite and calm her very soul. The thought of it frightened her and had kept her up the night before as Johanna slept soundly beside her, curled against her back.
She knew that if she did not tread carefully she would find herself very much in love. Johanna's hands found her face as their lips crushed together once more as the girl groaned her orgasm into the kiss, thighs shaking against Cressida's, her arousal dripping down the sides of Cressida's hand and pooling on the edge of her robe.
A slightly damp forehead rested against Cressida's shoulder, Johanna's lips pressing a closed-mouth kiss against the side of her neck. Thankful she had gone with a terrycloth robe, Cressida wiped her hand on the fabric and slowly moved her hands along Johanna's skin. Last night's events began springing up in her mind again as she recalled the desperate love making they had done. Her hands had moved across this very skin just as reverently as they did now, gliding like ink on paper. Johanna's initial voraciousness had ebbed into slow, languid sex as the night wore on, that had suddenly taken on new meaning. Halfway through the night she was inside Johanna again, fingers tangled in that wild black hair, her eyes enveloped in the wide brown gaze that seemed to look directly through her. Johanna's entire body had trembled in orgasm beneath her, the spitting swear words that had colored the night were now gone, replaced by soft sighs and Cressida's name breathed out on airy breaths.
We could've never had it all, we had to hit a wall. So this is inevitable withdrawal.
But that time, Cressida had seen it. As if the air itself was colored as Johanna's lips opened and she knew what the words were going to be. Cressida smothered them, sucking in the words and swallowing them down in a kiss. Whatever they were sharing, this torrid, interesting, intellectually and now physically stimulating love affair, did not need to be complicated by post-coital confessions of love. The endorphins pumping in Johanna's system, probably on overload, had given her eyes a glossy, dewy-eyed look to them. The 'I love you' was right there for Cressida to pluck, but as much as she wanted it, she couldn't accept it. It wasn't hers.
Johanna was only a few weeks shy of breaking from her first romance. She was about to embark on the rest of her life, truly independent from her hometown and her small amount of family and friends. An "I love you" would've been a root to try and plant last minute in hopes of not losing everything. They didn't love each other. Well, Johanna didn't love her. Cressida had been in love less than a handful of times and the way Johanna looked at her, it was not the same. But for her? Her emotions ran deeply for the young girl. What had begun as an interest, then affection, then attraction, had blossomed into something wholly inappropriate that she had tried to dash.
She would not allow this young girl to love her. This beautiful, wild, melodic girl with music in her veins and the world in her eyes, she was not hers. Perhaps she did belong to Katniss Everdeen. Perhaps she belonged to no one. But Cressida was certain, no matter how much it choked her heart, that she was not going to be the one to love her.
Of course, that didn't mean she couldn't enjoy the other fruits of human connection.
So we are history, your shadow covers me, the sky above a blaze that lonely lovers see.
Johanna had essentially boarded herself in with Cressida for three days after graduation. It was a hedonistic trio of days and nights full of food and literature and sex. They never once left Cressida's home, instead they filled it with laughter, music, and the heady mixed scent of sex and sulfur from the candles. It felt cleansing to Johanna. As if Cressida's affection and attention had somehow scrubbed away the messiness of the last few months. Externally, of course. Deep within the confines of her heart, there still lay shards of her soul that Katniss had left in her wake. Johanna didn't want to put them together again. She wanted them to lay broken. She wanted the painful reminder of her loneliness as the shards poked in her heart when she heard a song Katniss liked or smelled her on her sheets.
Angst makes art and Johanna had not ever been as productive as she was in the weeks following their break-up and her weekend with Cressida. Music poured from every ounce of her being, leaving her both empty and remarkably fulfilled. She was in the midst of playing her fiddle when the door to her bedroom opened and Finnick walked in with a smile. "She lives," he said sarcastically, opening his arms wide. "I have been calling you for days. Where the hell did you go after graduation? Annie and I looked all over for you."
Johanna stood from her stool in the corner of her room, placing the fiddle down on the stand. With a poorly disguised grin on her face she moved over toward her bed. "I was ...a little preoccupied."
Finnick's green eyes took on an intensity Johanna had rarely seen from him unless he was performing. "Was it Cashmere?" Johanna looked up, startled like a deer on the highway. "I saw her at graduation. I almost fucking lost it but Annie told me to keep my cool. Then she sort of left in a rush after she talked to -" Finnick cut himself off as his eyes widened in a slow realization. "Oh my fucking holy balls Johanna Mason you slept with our teacher!"
Johanna looked at every bauble in her room in an effort to avoiding meeting Finnick's gaze. He literally jumped on her bed on all fours, his knees and hands hitting the mattress and causing a loud creak to resonate in the room. "I can neither confirm nor deny that accusation."
Finnick shoved Johanna and flopped onto his side on her bed. "I cannot believe you. I knew you were flirting with her but wow. Is that what you've been doing all weekend? Getting some extra credit?" He wiggled his eyebrows at Johanna and she smacked him in the face with her pillow, then returned it to the top of her bed. "While I am duly impressed I am really here to bring you news. News that no one else knows and I'd like it to stay that way."
Johanna tucked her legs beneath her and raised an eyebrow toward her friend. "You know you can trust me."
Finnick sucked in a deep breath and aimed his gaze at Johanna. "Annie is pregnant." Johanna felt her jaw fall open, unable to hide her surprise at Finnick's statement. Annie is pregnant. Johanna remembered them saying something about possibly moving after graduation toward the coast, as Finnick wanted to join the Navy and sail. Annie was content to go wherever he went, working on her art and, eventually, toward a teaching degree. "We're going to get married in two weeks, then I'm enlisting and going to Illinois to begin training."
Suddenly Johanna felt her life was in one of those futuristic elevators, propelling her upward at a surprising pace that her stomach would flip. They were getting married. Finnick was going into the Navy. Annie was pregnant. "Wow, Finnick. This is ...a lot." Distance, the mere thought of it, sent Johanna's mind buzzing. She would be in New York. Finnick in Chicago. Katniss in California. Cressida and her mother in Panem. All of the people she loved moving away like veins, crawling across the country but still, hopefully, connected.
"We're not having a big ceremony. We're not even telling anyone. Just you. And Katniss, if you aren't opposed to her being there. Annie's grown fond of her." Johanna licked her lips, swallowing down some saliva. Katniss. At a wedding. In a dress.
"No, not at all. I'd love to come." It was true, of course. As long as she had known Finnick, he'd loved Annie. While a baby and marriage at eighteen may seem quick, they hadn't been apart in years. It was almost like they were born already with their lives connected. "I'll make sure Katniss is there too."
Finnick placed his hand on Johanna's thigh, squeezing it gently. All their years of friendship and support were at least going to pay off for Finnick. Getting away from his abusive mother, providing and supporting Annie, and doing what he had always dreamed of doing since they were little: sailing. All of them were chasing their dreams and by that estimation, they should be happy. But Johanna was quickly realizing how much of her happiness actually rested not in between notes on a page, but within the hearts of her friends.
I could use another cigarette. But don't worry, daddy, I'm not addicted yet.
Katniss began seeing the world in drab grays again. After her father died she felt like the world had become devoid of color, muted and shuttered from the vibrancy of life. Slowly it had creeped back in, but after being with Johanna, the world had exploded with color and music. Every petal, every raindrop, every note on a piano, every rumble of a car engine made her think of her girlfriend, overwhelming and wonderful.
Her ex-girlfriend. That she had broken up with. Johanna had been so uncharacteristically calm about it, Katniss wasn't sure what to think. Had they not really been as in love as she thought? In the days and weeks following she didn't hear from Johanna at all. She had to practically bribe Finnick to tell her if Johanna was okay. Walking the hallways she looked like a zombie, avoiding gazes with her eyes cast downward. At graduation Katniss had barely seen her. Johanna was everywhere but also nowhere. She was a ghost ever present on the periphery of her vision, evanescing when Katniss found her.
One too many drinks tonight and I miss you like you were mine.
She had even gone down to Bogie's and spoken with the owner, but he had said Johanna had effectively told him she wasn't going to perform any longer. The band moved on without her. They would've had to eventually, he had reasoned, as Johanna's ambition and talent were too big for the club anyway. Going to her house was an impossibility. Katniss knew her mother would never forgive her for breaking her little girl's heart. Katniss didn't forgive herself.
Her mother had tried to reason with her as she sobbed into her pillowcase, her entire body missing the warmth of Johanna's hands and eyes. Her heart felt like it was disconnected from the rest of her body, withering inside her chest. Her mother soothed her with kind words, encouraging words, reminding her of the unpredictability of the future and the pride her dead father would feel if he weren't dead. Maybe they'd be together again. Maybe she'd find someone new. Maybe maybe maybe.
Katniss had broken up with Johanna over a lifetime of maybes when the only sure thing in her entire world was Johanna herself. The only thing that seemed to make sense was that this disconnect from Johanna had made her realize how utterly dependent she had become. Every time she wore something, watched something, ate something, she was reaching for her phone impulsively to ask Johanna what she thought. When had she lost her ability to reason? She was able to circumvent that impulse after a few weeks, becoming a little more herself. The loneliness though. That stayed. It persisted.
All your stormy words have barely broken.
After no contact for weeks, Johanna showed up at her door one afternoon, backlit by the setting sun and looking just as devastating as she always did. The effortless way she was put together made Katniss's heart jump in her chest like the first time she saw her. Standing in the doorway she didn't know what to say.
"Hey."
"Hey."
What do you say to the person that at one time held your entire life in their hands? Does that knowledge slip through your fingers like sand? Do you try and hold on to some of that person's future, some of their past? Or do you smack your hands together and rid yourself of it all? Katniss knew, looking into Johanna's eyes again, that she would never be able to rid herself of Johanna.
"Finnick and Annie are getting married next week at the chapel outside of town. They would like you to come, if you want."
Katniss shook her head in surprise. "Wait. They're getting married?"
Johanna's lips twitched in a small smile. "Yeah brainless." Katniss blinked slowly at the familiar nickname. "Annie is pregnant. Which is intel you are not to repeat to anyone." Katniss's eyes blinked more rapidly as she processed that information. "Yeah I know, I was surprised too. They're going to move to Chicago where Finnick is gonna enlist in the Navy. But they want to get married first. Get everything in order so Annie is taken care of while he does the eight weeks."
You sound like thunder though you've barely spoken.
"I-I'd love to go. Are you going?" Katniss's mind flashed back to the day Johanna had asked her to the party. The party where they had almost slept together. The party where Johanna had fucked Cashmere, Katniss remembered darkly. How nervous she had been about making a good impression. How amazing it had felt to feel Johanna's body move with hers.
Johanna grinned. "Of course I'm going. Someone's gotta be the best man and the maid of honor and the witness." Suddenly Prim shot out from behind Katniss, nearly tackling Johanna in a hug.
"Jo! Katniss said we weren't gonna see you anymore but I said, 'No, Jo is gonna come back and say hi again.' And here you are!" Prim gushed to the older girl, still wrapping her tiny arms around Johanna's waist. Katniss saw the guilt and devastation in Johanna's eyes as clearly as the sun behind her. She had tried to explain to Prim what had happened, but Prim was insistent that Johanna would never "abandon them." "I missed you Jo."
Oh it looks like rain tonight and thank God. 'Cos a clear sky just wouldn't feel right.
Johanna rubbed Prim's golden locks affectionately. "I missed you too kid."
Katniss looked at Johanna, knowing fully well how apparent the desperation in her eyes was. "Do you want to come in?"
Johanna removed her hands from Prim and shoved them in her pockets. "Is your mother home?" Katniss nodded and Johanna's impossibly dark eyes darkened even further. "Then I think I'll stay out here. I don't think anything good will come from that."
"Hey Little Duck can you go inside for a second so I can talk to Johanna alone?"
Primrose looked up at Johanna, giving her another tight hug. "Please come say bye before you go to New York." Johanna nodded solemnly and Primrose trotted off back inside the house. Katniss stepped outside, closing the door behind her.
"I am so sorry, Jo. I'm sorry about everything. I never should've..."
He's taken and leaving but I keep believing he's gonna come 'round soon.
"Can we not?" Johanna interrupted with a raised hand. "Can we make this clean? You should know better than anyone, you've spent enough time in the woods. You kill an animal with a shot to the eye. You don't beat them to a bloody pulp and then saw their necks off with a butter knife."
Katniss dropped her eyes to the ground, looking down at her feet. "I'm sorry. Not just..." Katniss sucked in a deep breath. "Forget it. I'd love to go to the wedding."
Johanna swallowed and ran her fingers through her hair. "Would you like to come with me?"
"As your date?"
Johanna rolled her eyes. "As my friend. As Annie's friend."
Katniss crossed her arms. "I thought you said we couldn't be friends."
"We can't. But I think we can be for one night."
"And the next day?"
Johanna backed off of the porch and sighed. "I'll still be in love with you and we still won't be together."
You may be my final match. 'Cos I chase everything when you play throw and I play catch.
When I look into your eyes is like watching the night sky, or a beautiful sunrise. Well there's so much that they hold.
Katniss was both thrilled and heartbroken to hear the familiar grumble of Johanna's car outside her home. As their relationship progressed Johanna would leave the car running and come inside without knocking, making light conversation with Prim and her mother. Katniss would come downstairs and, without fail, Johanna would lift her from the second to last step and bring her into a hug and set her on the ground. Prim would sometimes squeal for the same treatment so Johanna would do the same to her. She even once did it to her mother.
But this time as Katniss descended the stairs in what she thought was a somewhat formal dress, there was no one to greet her at the base of the steps. She grabbed her purse from the bottom of the staircase and as she stood up, her mother met her in the doorway. "Katniss, are you going on a date with Johanna?"
Katniss leveled her eyes at her mother, narrowing her gaze. "We are going to an event. As friends." Katniss didn't wait for a retort from her mother. Instead she just walked out the door without saying goodbye, surprised to see Johanna standing outside the car. Her heart warmed as she realized Johanna was opening the passenger's side door for her. Johanna wore a tight fitting pinstripe pair of navy blue slacks with a white blouse tucked in. The straps of suspenders peeked from the edge of her matching blue blazer. She looked incredible. "Thank you."
And just like them old stars I see that you've come so far to be right where you are. How old is your soul?
Johanna didn't say anything in response. She got into the driver's seat and shifted gears, taking off down the street without a word. Soft music played from her old radio, her eyes staring straight out through the windshield. Katniss inhaled the smell of the car deeply into her nose. The pine car freshener, the worn leather, the small kickback of the engine through the vents, it all served as blatant reminders of all she was missing in her life.
"You look beautiful." Katniss looked up at the compliment, Johanna's gaze still staring straight ahead. She saw Johanna peek at her from the corner of her eyes and then return her attention to the road. She sounded almost annoyed which made Katniss grin.
"You're looking quite dashing yourself," Katniss replied. "The suspenders are a nice touch." In truth, Johanna had gotten dressed at Cressida's. The suspenders were hers and they were a nice touch. They had spent about thirty minutes on the floor because as soon as she had gotten dressed, Cressida had practically torn her clothes off.
She didn't know how to define what she and Cressida had. Certainly more than a friendship. She had gone over there, distraught about having to spend the night with Katniss, looking for advice. Cressida had been calm and patient, explaining that maybe it would do them some good to get to know each other as friends. Perhaps that would help heal their hearts. In her attempt to be helpful she had let Johanna borrow some clothes, but seeing Johanna totally put together had turned her on and the fashion show had turned into sex.
Certainly more than a friendship. But less than a relationship. Somewhere comfortably in between.
Johanna cut the engine outside the chapel where Finnick was waiting in a striking suit that looked just a little bit too big for him. Annie wore a lovely white dress that pooled around her feet, a small headband of white roses in her hair. Johanna and Katniss approached slowly, opening their arms for their friends. They made their way into the small chapel that had a few people sitting in it which the foursome found very strange.
Well I won't give up on us. Even if the skies get rough. I'm givin' you all my love. I'm still lookin' up.
The priest made quick work of the ceremony as Katniss and Johanna watched from opposite sides of the newlyweds. Their love, so potent and so pure, seemed to fill the room filled oddly with strangers. A woman toward the back even began to weep. Johanna herself had to stare down at the worn off-white carpet at their feet to try and prevent herself from crying. She wanted this happiness for them. She wanted it for herself. It was so overwhelming she wished it for everyone. If everyone in the world had a piece of the love these two shared, there would be no war. There'd be no time for it because you'd be too busy getting lost in your partner's eyes.
"Finnick. This is not okay." Johanna held Katniss's hand as she helped her into the boat, steadying her as it rocked beneath their weight. Finnick had somehow procured a small boat for after the wedding that Johanna was one hundred percent certain he had stolen. She jumped in after them, rocking the boat harder and causing Katniss to glare at her. "What's wrong? Not got your sea legs?"
Katniss shoved Johanna playfully and shook her head. "I've got fine legs -"
"You can say that again."
Katniss blushed and continued. "I just haven't been on a boat in a while." Her nervous gaze went to Finnick who was giving Annie his jacket coat in preparation for the cool breeze that would inevitably come when he started sailing. "Are you sure you can drive this thing?"
Finnick popped the cork on a bottle of champagne and nodded his head profusely. "Yes ma'am. You're looking at the best sailor to never have sailed any of the seven seas. The happiest man alive and the most fortunate person in the world to call you all my friends." He grabbed a few glasses from within the cabin of the boat and hopped back out, handing them to Katniss and Johanna. "Unfortunately none for my lady and very little for me, seeing as how I'm driving. But you two ladies enjoy, please."
Johanna watched Finnick fill their glasses and she raised her glass. "A toast?" Finnick nodded and sat next to Annie, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. "It is customary for the best man to make a toast, so I will. I guess first I have to say how lucky I am to have you all in my life as well. Finnick and I have been best friends since before time began. He has been the most persistent, annoying, amazing, stupid person I've ever met and what he lacks in tact he makes up for in pure love. I am privileged to see the union of these two people here, because never in the history of time have two people ever loved each other more. The fact that you are bringing life in this world gives me hope for the future. Hope that the future can be good and positive.
"So I'll close this cheesy shit with a poem. A song, really. But a poem." Johanna cleared her throat and spoke the words of the song in syncopation. "I'll be your mirror, reflect what you are, in case you don't know. I'll be the wind, the rain and the sunset, the light on your door to show that you're home. When you think the night has seen your mind. That inside you're twisted and unkind. Let me stand to show that you are blind. Please put down your hands 'cause I see you. I find it hard to believe you don't know the beauty that you are. But if you don't let me be your eyes, a hand in your darkness, so you won't be afraid. When you think the night has seen your mind, that inside you're twisted and unkind. Let me stand to show that you are blind. Please put down your hands. 'Cause I see you."
Annie rushed forth and hugged Johanna around her middle, surprising the taller girl with her embrace. Bright, wet green eyes stared up at her, a delirious smile on her face. "Thank you, Jo."
The rest of the night went smoothly with Finnick and Annie at the helm of the small boat, Katniss and Johanna curled in the back. In spite of their relationship status it didn't take long for Johanna's blazer to go around Katniss's cold arms and for Katniss to be curled into Johanna's side, her fingers lazily tracing Johanna's suspenders. Johanna felt natural with Katniss at her side, like the way the moonlight touched the top of the water and spilled its white light over the surface. She belonged there.
"I've missed you so much." Johanna shivered as the breath of Katniss's confession hit her neck. "I've missed everything."
And when you're needing your space to do some navigating. I'll still be here patiently waiting to see what you find.
Johanna kissed the side of Katniss's head, pulling her closer. "You were right, though. We... we need to find ourselves. Finnick and Annie moving made me realize how much I needed all of you. You make up the majority of who I am but I should be myself too, you know? The distance maybe... maybe it'll be defining."
"You think we made the right decision in breaking up?" Katniss asked softly as Finnick turned off the boat, tossing down the anchor to keep them in place. They were now in the center of the lake, surrounded by water, sky, trees and moonlight. He and Annie cozied up on the bow as Katniss and Johanna stayed toward the back. The gentle shifting of the boat set Johanna at ease. No wonder Finnick liked the sea so much.
"I don't know that we made that decision, unless by we you mean you and your mother."
Katniss felt Johanna stiffen and she placed her hand on the side of Johanna's face, forcing her to look into Katniss's eyes. "Please. My mother... she's only trying to look out for me. My father's big dream for me was to go to college. Specifically Stanford. I was...I am madly in love with you and in one second, if you asked, I'd trade those dreams to be with you." Johanna swallowed the lump in her throat, but it came right back up again. "But down the line, I'd regret not having chased the one dream he wanted."
"That's all he wanted for you? A piece of paper with 'Stanford' written on it?" Johanna shook her head, looking out at the clear lake. "I don't believe that. I don't know much about your father, but from what I've seen of you and Primrose, I'd think he'd want you to be happy. More than anything, he'd want you to be loved. And I don't really care how possessive or controlling this sounds but Katniss, I don't think anyone will love you more than I do. If they did, they'd surely go insane."
'Cause even the stars they burn. Some even fall to the Earth.
"I just want him to be proud of me." Johanna continued lazily stroking Katniss's hair with her free hand, combing through the brunette strands. "I don't know if he'd want me to choose logic or passion. He was always a masterful combination of both."
"So are you." Johanna inhaled a deep, briny breath to try and calm her nerves. This is of what she had been afraid. Afraid of getting too close to Katniss again and falling back into her. "But if that's what you want to do, then I want you to do it. I want you to live your life and be proud of yourself. I just don't want you to let your mother dictate you."
"She's not. She's just...this is the last thing my dad wanted. I mean, he wanted Prim to go to college but mostly, he wanted to see us follow our dreams."
Johanna smiled sadly, placing another gentle kiss into Katniss's hair. "Then follow them. I just hope that maybe they lead you back to me."
"Me too." Katniss wrapped her arms around Johanna and squeezed her close, wanting to imprint the feel of her body. She hadn't expected Johanna to let her in this close and she would not waste the opportunity to hold her again. "Are you going to come say goodbye to me when I leave?"
"No, I don't think I can handle that. I'd like to leave us...like this. This is nice. If we're never together again then having you like this, just for tonight, this is enough."
We've got a lot to learn. God knows we're worth it. No, I won't give up.
Finnick and Annie left shortly after the wedding, with Katniss not far behind almost two weeks later. For the final month she was in Panem Johanna went between helping her mother in the shop and sleeping at Cressida's to ward off the impending loneliness. She had begun to realize the connection she felt to Cressida was in direct correlation to her loneliness. She figured Cressida was lonely too. Sometimes they wouldn't even have sex, they'd just curl in the bed and Cressida would read. She enjoyed her nearness, her voice, her presence.
Leaving her was draining. She had told her mother she was leaving the day before, as to not have to do two emotional goodbyes in one day. It was hard enough to hold her mother, knowing this would be the longest stretch of time before she'd see her again. They had never been apart so long. But her mother had reassured her everything would be fine, that she would always have a home to come back to.
She left her car on as she approached Cressida's door, but the blonde came out before she could knock on the door. While Cressida had been anticipating Johanna's departure, seeing her with a car stuffed with boxes and her eyes on the ground, the gravity of the moment seemed to pull her down. Over the summer she had been determined not to fall for Johanna. It was difficult, seeing her almost every day and sharing books and music and skin, not to fall in love with her a little.
"Good luck Mason," Cressida said, pulling the girl into a tight hug. In the year they had known each other she had watched Johanna move from a broken girl to a much more mature adult. She had gotten passed her rape, overcome her break-up and was now a woman Cressida very much admired. And very much loved. "I got you this. Or, well, I'm giving you this."
She handed her a worn book with gold lettering. Johanna peered at the title and smiled. Yeats. She knew Yeats was one of Cressida's favorite poets, if not her favorite. "Is this your copy?"
Cressida nodded, running her fingers through her hair. "Yes. But no worries, I've got every word of that book memorized. I earmarked a bunch of poems I think you'll like. I've always found his traditional form as expressive as ever. I think his straight-forwardness will appeal to you. His poems are imaginative but muscular. He was a dreamer but a realist. Sort of like you."
Johanna wrapped Cressida in another hug, unable to stop the tears from coming from her eyes. Never in a million years would she think she'd be an emotional wreck on the yard in front of her teacher's home. The home she had spent many days and nights in, filling her mind and body. She kissed her, not releasing her from the tight hug as she moved her lips in the bruising kiss. She pulled away, running her thumb along Cressida's swollen bottom lip.
"I am going to miss you so fucking much."
Cressida chuckled, wiping away her own tears that had escaped her eyes. "I'm going to miss that foul mouth of yours." Johanna smirked and Cressida tilted her head. "Yes, you dirty pervert, in more ways than one." She held firm to Johanna's shoulders. "Fear not though. I submitted our screenplay to a contact I have in Los Angeles. If all goes well and someone picks it up, well, we will see each other very frequently."
"You really think so?"
"I think any studio would be stupid to not pick it up. Your songs are brilliant. My words are brilliant. We shall see." Unable to stop herself she pulled Johanna in for another deep kiss, her eyes remaining closed as they parted. "When you're on the road and you make your first stop, go to the first poem I have earmarked and read it, okay? I think it will... express my feelings in a way, regretfully, I cannot." Cressida smiled, her cheek dimpling in the way Johanna always adored. "I'll see you soon, darling."
Johanna did make one stop. She had to refuel her car about halfway to New York and while the gas pumped into the engine, she sat on the hood of her car and opened the worn pages of the book. She knew how much Cressida adored her books so to give her one felt like a great honor. She did as she was bid and opened to the first earmarked page of the book.
"That crazed girl improvising her music.
Her poetry, dancing upon the shore,
Her soul in division from itself
Climbing, falling She knew not where,
Hiding amid the cargo of a steamship,
Her knee-cap broken, that girl I declare
A beautiful lofty thing, or a thing
Heroically lost, heroically found.
No matter what disaster occurred
She stood in desperate music wound,
Wound, wound, and she made in her triumph
Where the bales and the baskets lay
No common intelligible sound
But sang, 'O sea-starved, hungry sea'."
Author's Note: *plays Vitamin C 'Graduation' song* All is not lost for our girls, don't despair my ladies and gents. To the person upset that there is no Joniss, I assure that Joniss was always my plan, and still is my plan. If they were together in every chapter, how boring would that be? Great love stories have their chasms. This is theirs. In any case, thanks for sticking around and I promise I'll be good to our girls soon.
Music: "Tears Dry On Their Own" by Amy Winehouse, "Come 'Round Soon" by Sara Bareilles, "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz. The Anais Nin excerpt was from Delta of Venus, the poem was Yeats. Obvs.