SOY: fifth chapter, folks! :) I forgot I had it ready… uh, sorry about that. I have connection troubles, so updating stuff is a bit hard.
Again, it would be better if you could go and read this chapter over at AO3, because the pesterlogs cannot be coded on . The link to my AO3 is in my profile, since I cannot add links to chapters here. Sorry for the inconvenience!
…–…–…–…–…–…
Rating: Mature for themes and later content.
Warnings: the link Dave gives Karkat is an actual cat vid on tumblr, hehe.
Disclaimer: I don't own HomeStuck.
…–…–…–…–…–…
Phantom Limb
Chapter 05
––– turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]at 15:45 –––
TG: so remember the rapping cat vids i promised
TG: hint yes i have some
TG: you dont have to thank me
TG: just enjoy
TG: goo. gl / flD099
CG: DAVE, AS MUCH AS IT MIGHT SURPRISE YOU, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WATCH YOUR VIDEOS OF FELINES, NO MATTER HOW DISGUSTINGLY CUTE THEY ARE.
CG: I'M IN CLASS RIGHT NOW.
TG: so what
TG: im in class too
CG: YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU ARE PERUSING THE INTERNET FOR CAT VIDEOS WHILE YOU'RE IN CLASS. SMART, STRIDER, REALLY SMART. NEXT TIME, PLEASE START RAPPING WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, TOO. I AM SURE YOUR FUCKING PROFESSOR WILL FIND THE EXPERIENCE MIGHTY THRILLING.
TG: what do you take me for
TG: of course i already tried that cmon kark you know me
CG: OH FOR THE LOVE OF THE ALMIGHTY, YOU DIDN'T JUST ADMIT YOU TRIED RAPPING IN *CLASS*.
TG: yep
TG: and not talking about creative class either here
TG: im unstoppable
TG: law books have my name written on every page
TG: striders are above all rules
TG: thats it
TG: thats the trick
CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE IM WASTING MY TIME STARING AT YOUR HORRENDOUS RED TYPING INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY FOCUSING ON CLASS. YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE ME FAIL MY SEMESTER.
TG: yes because im basically a big bad wolf luring you lil red riding hood into the woods with promises of raps and cat links
TG: and youre gonna fall for it hook line and sinker and sink deep
TG: so deep troll archaeologists will find your body frozen solid under layers of dried cup noodles and old worn out cardigans with your fingers still attached to the keyboard
TG: and a cat video on your old as fuck computer
TG: that will be your fate man
TG: and ill be cackling because all along that was my plan
CG: I'M SORRY I MUST HAVE CAUGHT A BUG BECAUSE I SKIMMED THROUGH YOUR SEA OF IDIOCY WITHOUT SEEING A DAMN WORD WORTH READING HERE.
CG: IT FEELS ALMOST AS IF, WAIT FOR IT, I'M ACTUALLY HERE TO FOLLOW MY LECTURES. WOW. DOES THAT SOUND PREPOSTEROUS TO YOU NOW DAVE.
Dave snickered quietly into his hand, casting up a quick glance at the professor standing in front of the class, busy scribbling something on a piece of paper.
He could tell that Karkat wasn't as busy as he said he was, especially since he didn't seem inclined to stop the conversation from going on, which was actually rather pleasing.
The students around Dave were a mass of uninterested people, though there was, here and there, a poor soul that was actually taking notes on what was shown on the screen in front of them.
Dave had already memorized it, so being idle was the only thing left for him to do until the professor resumed his speech related to Carbon 14.
He looked towards the professor's desk, eyes glinting with a special kind of interest at the three artefacts that the man had brought over to inspect for their lecture; he was too far to see the details, unfortunately, but he could easily recognise that the one in the middle wasn't from a human or troll, by the length of the bone and the way it curved slightly towards one end.
He didn't have much hope that the professor would let them inspect the bones, and when class ended he had to run off and buy something for dinner, which left him with a bitter taste in his mouth.
The slides on the screen shifted from the candid white from before to a close-up of a bone, labelled Exhibit A –a small, circular bone of a yellowish colour, rather well conserved– and Dave downloaded the slide on his computer from the college website, saving a copy inside his course folder.
Doing so, he realised Karkat was still talking, and smiled to himself.
CG: IT'S NOT LIKE I AM PAYING ENORMOUS AMOUNTS OF MONEY, PROBABLY ENOUGH TO FUND A LITTLE STATE FOR A MONTH, TO MAJOR IN SOMETHING THAT WILL MAYBE, IF I DON'T LACK THE NECESSARY LUCK AND SKILLS, HELP WITH GIVING A GOOD DIRECTION TO MY LIFE OR ANYTHING OF THIS SORT.
CG: YOU'VE BEEN QUIET FOR A WHILE AND THIS SILENCE FEELS AS OMINOUS AS RECEIVING A CALL FROM MY LUSUS DURING THE WEEK PRECEDING MY WRIGGLING DAY FOR POSSIBLE MEETUPS.
CG: I WONDER IF YOU'VE FINALLY CRACKED, YOUR LITTLE HUMAN PAN UNABLE TO CONTAIN THE INORDINATE AMOUNT OF INFORMATION CRAMMED INTO IT THROUGH YOUR QUITE EXPENSIVE CLASS LECTURES, AND RAN AWAY TO REJOIN YOUR ANCESTORS IN THE WILD.
TG: nah man
TG: i was just busy admiring some choice sample our prof brought to class
TG: too bad we aint gonna see them up close
CG: THAT REMINDS ME THAT EVEN THOUGH WE EXTENSIVELY SPOKE ABOUT OUR MINOR CLASSES, YOU'VE FAILED TO IMPRESS ME WITH YOUR ACTUAL CAREER CHOICE, WHICH IN RETROSPECT IS SOMETHING I SHOULD HAVE ASKED EARLIER ON.
CG: I RECALL YOU MENTIONING IN PASSING THAT YOU HAVE TAKEN HISTORY CLASS BEFORE THE PROFESSOR WAS CULLED LAST SEMESTER.
TG: yes it happened
TG: interesting class till it lasted
TG: too bad the guy had to get killed off because he cheated on his kismesis
TG: you dont mess with the heart of a damsel
TG: especially not one with a mallet
TG: ill bother you about my choice course when we have some more time
TG: let me just tell you that its about dead people
CG: I VERY MUCH DOUBT YOU'RE GOING TO BECOME THE NEXT THRESHECUTIONER, THAT IS A JOB THAT I WOULDN'T LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU.
CG: HA, AS IF YOU'D BE ALLOWED WITH YOUR FRAIL HUMAN ARMS UNABLE TO EVEN LIFT A CRATE.
TG: that was like weeks ago man why are you still so hung up on it
TG: let bygones be bygones
TG: but no thank you but no
TG: im majoring in palaeontology fuck you
CG: I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT TO YOU DAVE, I WASN'T EXPECTING IT. I'M ALMOST IMPRESSED. KEY WORD *ALMOST*.
TG: i know how to leave a lasting impression yes
Karkat grudgingly had to be surprised. With all of Dave's talk about music and rap, and how he was trying to hook up at a local DJ club for a job, he had expected that the human would be following that kind of career choice as well.
He knew that the university offered quite a few intensive, quality courses in music, but anthropology was quite the shocking revelation.
For a moment he thought about Jurassic Park, picturing Dave in place of one of the men working in the park, and then he shook his head, inwardly amused. Yeah, no, no matter what Dave said he couldn't quite see him in such a position.
TG: i bet youre thinking about Jurassic park
CG: I THOUGHT HUMANS DIDN'T HAVE MENTAL POWERS, STRIDER. HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW THAT?
TG: its a cult movie
TG: like everybody has seen that
TG: no stretch that youd know it
TG: id make a nice alan grant admit it
TG: i can recite you line by line his whole velociraptor monologue
CG: I DIDN'T HAVE ANY DOUBT ABOUT THAT.
CG: BUT SERIOUSLY STRIDER THAT'S QUITE THE POSITION YOU'RE ASPIRING FOR. LET'S KEEP THAT SUBJECT FOR ONE OF OUR FRIENDLY OUTINGS, I'M INTERESTED TO KNOW HOW DID YOU END UP DECIDING THAT YOU'D MAKE A LIVING OUT OF DEAD MONSTROUS CREATURES WHEN THERE'S AN INSANELY NUMEROUS AMOUNT OF LIVING ONES BELONGING TO THE TROLL SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE.
TG: id much prefer to dig my hands in bones rather than in a gaping maw ready to rip my arms off thank you
TG: see i could have made a boner joke but i didnt
CG: YES, YES, YOU WIN A DECENCY COOKIE.
CG: COLLECT FIVE AND YOU WILL WIN A CONGRATULATORY PAT ON THE BACK FROM YOURS TRULY.
Dave smiled again, amused at the easy way he seemed to talk with Karkat. He reminded him of John, and how well the two of them had hit off, idly poking fun at each other without animosity.
He looked up from his computer again and noticed that the professor was walking towards the front row, carrying one of the artefacts in his hands, and Dave silently pumped his fist up and down.
Yes. Perfect.
He cracked his knuckles and glanced towards the door, watching Aradia slip inside and sit down. The room was far too crowded for her to slide to him without disrupting the lesson, so he simply caught her eyes and waved down at her.
Aradia smiled up at him, bright and cheeky, and he felt some part of his chest uncoil like a happy kitten.
He watched her bring up her phone, and seconds later a new window popped up on his computer.
––– apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]at 16:18 –––
AA: hey dave! s0rry for being late! what did i miss?
TG: nothing much ara just a bunch of information that you can find online
TG: but did you see the bones
TG: hes gonna show them around cant wait to get my hands on some of that loot
AA: if y0u d0nt have anything scheduled we can have a trip this weekend! i g0t a new adventure hat and a map!
TG: hell fucking yes
TG: lets discover some kickass dino bones
TG: or eventually just a dead bird
TG: i got a few new jars
TG: so whyre you late today
TG: is it supernatural secrets again?
AA: m0re jars again 0_0
AA: s00n they will replace me in y0ur heart Dave!
TG: nah
TG: no dead corpse in formalin will ever kick you out of my heart ara
TG: look at me all mushy
TG: i learned from the best
AA: yes, i taught y0u well 0u0
AA: and yes i had a resilient gh0st trapped in the m0rtal plan t0 take care 0f!
TG: did you try to rope the poor soul into flarping with you
AA: n0! it was a human s0ul this time! quite the disapp0intment
TG: are you sure thats how its supposed to go when you send them off
TG: bein all hey man wanna flarp with me before youre off
TG: who knows how the other side is
TG: you might never get another chance
AA: shush dave let the psyc0p0mp d0 her j0b
TG: yes maam
AA: d0 y0u think j0hn will want t0 c0me?
TG: nah
TG: i think he got bored enough last time
TG: even said hed prefer to eat betty crocker pastries than come with us
TG: i pity him
TG: in a totally platonic way
AA: hehe, maybe he didnt like when y0u pushed him in the mud! :)
TG: maybe
TG: the details are blurred in my memories
TG: could be that
TG: or he could just be a whiny baby
AA: y0u can ask karkat! im sure hed like t0 c0me!
TG: ara i just met him
TG: im not gonna invite him for a weekend in the forest
TG: thats more like a fourth or fifth date
AA: j0ke ar0und all y0u want but i think hed have fun :)
AA: besides im your m0irail d0nt i get t0 give my stern appr0val?
TG: is it you who gave rose the idea that im in it for karkats bulge?
AA: n0 c0mment!
TG: not funny
TG: shes gonna harass me now
AA: d0nt be a d00fus Dave
AA: its just a j0ke!
AA: y0u d0nt have many friends and im sure r0se is just happy t0 see y0u get m0re!
TG: i have enough friends
AA: apparently n0 y0u d0nt
Dave sighed, eyes sliding to Karkat's window, for the moment inactive.
He didn't like to admit it, not even to himself, but Aradia was right; he wasn't open to new friendships, and he liked to maintain close contacts only with a handful of people. There were acquaintances, there were casual friends, and then there were the friends he trusted, a small number that almost never changed.
Karkat had happened without second thoughts, wriggling his way into Dave's life, and he fit. He was good. He was cool, and Dave thought that if things went ok, he would probably become a great friend, too.
But yes, it was too soon to invite him to one of his and Aradia's happy trips.
He saw one of the bones start his row and hastily flicked the computer cam on, wanting to get some close ups of the object when his turn arrived.
…–…–…
Karkat Vantas, 10 sweeps old, really loved weekends.
It wasn't simply because there was no course he had to go, no crowded tram or bus to use to go to an equally crowded classroom, fighting to get a good seat.
There was the complete, utter lack of worries, no things he had to do aside for some leftover homework, no timetable to keep up with.
No roads filled with disgusting car waste, no people cursing in the streets, bumping into him, pushing him from one side of the crosswalk to the other.
No set time to wake up, because there was nothing to wake up to. He could be lazy, rejoice in some more hours inside his recuperacoon, feeling the slime soothe his skin, making all his muscles relax with its soporific torpor.
Karkat Vantas treasured each and every hour ticking in the weekends, because he used them as a cure-all to restore his energy for the next week, treasuring his time without the hassle of society with a movie, snacks and take-away.
There had been a time when weekends had been filled with stuff to do, with places to go and people to meet, but now things were different.
Normally, his hive was quiet, and sometimes, if he paused long enough to notice, too big for him. Rooms he'd never used, space he'd never managed to fill with things. He usually never had to think too much about it, gathering all his things and finishing his work in his respiteblock, curled up on his bean chair or at the table, only leaving to get food or for a gaper load break.
In the weekends, though, when he didn't spend a good chunk of his day out, he had no choice but to notice, to clean, to take a look around and feel the lack of someone who should have been there.
So, during the weekends, he was quick to draw the curtains close, letting a pleasant darkness cover up the blocks of his hive, making it seem smaller, more comfortable… less empty.
The television was already set on the movie channel, the popcorns placed in a bowl in front of him –sugar and salt, because who in their right might should have to pick one over the other?– but there was still some time to spare before the film started.
To avoid getting bored, Karkat focused on his grubtop, waiting for it to load fully before clicking on the browser and the trollian icon.
Both programs loaded quickly, and he entertained himself with checking his mail until a window popped up, alerting him that someone was talking to him.
––– twinArmageddons [TA] began trollingcarcinoGeneticist [CG] at 13:56 –––
TA: hey KK
TA: ii triied two contact you the other day
TA: but you were con2piicuou2ly ab2ent
TA: wa2 that your way two hiide liike the braiinle22 grub you are two avoiid a 2smackdown iin our next game match?
TA: becau2e that wiill not 2ave you KK
TA: ii wiill polii2h the viirtual world2 floor wiith your viirtual carca22 untiil you beg for mercy.
CG: IT IS AN ABSURD PLEASURE TO SEE SO MUCH DISGUSTINGLY YELLOW TEXT TAKING OVER MY SCREEN. I AM OVERJOYED THAT YOU TOOK SOME TIME IN YOUR BUSY SCHEDULE TO TALK TO ME.
CG: IT FEELS ALMOST AS IF YOU TRULY *MISSED* ME. IS IT THAT WITHOUT MY VALID HELP YOU GOT YOUR SHAMEGLOBES KICKED LIKE A WEAKLING PUPBEAST? THE MIGHTY SOLDIER SOLLUX UNABLE TO EVEN FIND HIS OWN WAY THROUGH A GRUBGAME PLATFORM WITHOUT THE VALID SUPPORT OF A GAME BOSS OF MY LEVEL?
TA: you can keep deludiing your2elf KK, that2 not a thiing that2 gonna happen
TA: but 2eriiou2ly, where were you? we had an upgrade 2cheduled and you just vani2hed
CG: HUH. SHIT. SO I REALLY HAD STUFF TO DO.
CG: NOT THAT I TRULY BELIEVE THAT MY GRUBTOP NEEDS ALL THOSE RIDICULOUS UPGRADES THAT YOU SEEM SO KEEN TO FORCE ON ME, ESPECIALLY SINCE IT IS BY NO MEANS AN OLD MODEL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. BUT UH.
CG: I'M SORRY, SOLLUX.
CG: STUFF HAPPENED AND I LOST TRACK OF TIME.
TA: whoa
TA: 2hould ii take your apology a2 a 2iign of an iimpendiing apocalyp2e? ii thought ii would at lea2t get a warniing from the co2mo2, a vii2iion of doom two prepare my2elf for my unavoiidable grue2ome death
TA: do ii get two 2ay goodbye to my bee2
CG: CUT ME SOME SLACK, FUCKPOD. IT'S NOT REALLY THAT WEIRD FOR ME TO APOLOGIZE.
CG: IT HAS HAPPENED. A FEW TIMES.
CG: I JUST HAD STUFF TO DO. YOU KNOW. LIKE. *STUFF*.
TA: when you feel liike elaboratiing 2ome more, iit2 not liike ii have anythiing better two do. liike 2pend a couple hour2 playiing onliine two level up or 2ome 2hiit
TA: waiit
TA: you werent tuggiing the bulge riight
TA: iif that2 iit iill be happy to 2top thii2 conver2atiion riight now
CG: UUURGH. NO. HOLY SHIT SOLLUX *NO*.
CG: I'LL NEED A FUCKTON OF BLEACH TO BE ABLE TO SCRUB THIS UNWANTED QUESTIONING FROM MY THINKPAN. EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO HIDE MYSELF IN A REMOTE WASTELAND, NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN. WE ARE *NOT* HAVING THIS CONVERSATION.
CG: FUCK NO.
CG: I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU NEED TO PROD SO MUCH INTO MY USELESS AND BORING LIFE, WHAT'S THAT? TODAY IS THE LET'S ANNOY KARKAT AND BUTT IN INTO HIS LIFE DAY? OH, YES, WELCOME, LIKE I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH THINGS ON MY BACK RIGHT NOW.
CG: I WENT OUT TO WATCH A MOVIE, THAT'S ALL.
CG: NOW CAN WE JUST FORGET THIS CONVERSATION HAPPENED, AND THAT YOU DID NOT JUST ASK ME ANYTHING REMOTELY PERSONAL PERTAINING TO MY EQUALLY LACKING SEX LIFE?
CG: FUCKING THANK YOU.
TA: waiit
TA: you went out? a2 iin, left the hou2e? on a friiday niight?
CG: YES, GRUBFUCK.
TA: wow
CG: OH, COME ON. LIKE I NEVER DO THAT. I'M NOT A SOCIAL RECLUSE, SOLLUX.
TA: yeah, no
TA: let me remiind you that la2t tiime you went out wa2
TA: oh, ii dont know
TA: duriing the bea2t age2?
TA: iif ii remember correctly, moviie2 were 2tiill iin black and whiite
CG: DON'T BE ABSURD, IT WASN'T *THAT* LONG AGO.
Karkat looked away from the screen, frowning and feeling a wave of uneasiness roll through him, settling inside his stomach like a weight. He shuffled on his back, glancing at the darkened ceiling of his respiteblock, refusing to look at the yellow text.
Sollux was simply being his usual annoying as fuck, obnoxious asshole self. He remembered the last time he'd left the hive to enjoy some time out. It was…
It was…
Slowly, his frown deepened. The fact that he couldn't actually remember made the uneasiness inside him blossom into apprehension. He went out for groceries once a week, and he had class most days of the week, but… but aside for that, when was the last time he'd allowed himself some time out?
The apprehension turned into a cold claw gnawing at his insides as he forced himself to think back, through the haze that was his life after his loss, almost frantic, anxious. He stared at the sea of day after day tinged in grey, the same thing over and over, school and groceries and a quick stop by a nearby Starbucks to wake up, then back home, TV–shows and movies and his grubtop.
There was nothing there that could disprove the bitter truth Sollux had forced him to see.
Nothing.
All he could remember was the same, exhausting routine slithering forwards.
He bit down on his lower lip, refusing to admit defeat, gritting his teeth against the very notion of being a recluse. He wasn't.
He liked watching movies. He used to go to the theatre all the time to watch them, even if they were not new. Any good romcom rerun was fine; he'd seen all the new movies, especially the cheesy, romantic ones and obviously that meant he'd gone out at some point–
Karkat paused.
No, he'd watched them on his grubtop, downloading any movie that he happened to hear about so he could watch them in his hive on the weekends.
The band tensing up inside him snapped all of sudden, filling him with dread.
Ever since Terezi had died, he'd never left the hive aside for menial tasks centred on his survival –food, classes, the bare minimum.
He looked to the side, meeting the frozen gaze of Terezi from a photo he kept close to his bean chair, and sighed deeply.
The memory unfolded in front of his closed eyes almost as if resurfacing from the mist of his past; the last time he'd gone out for fun, his last movie, had been with her… when Terezi had still been alive.
A generic romcom, a human one –written by one of the very few human directors he liked.
He still remembered her amused, light expression, the smirk on her lips as they had taken two spots near the front, so she could taste the colours in the air better, and how she'd laughed at him for his emotional response to the movie while eating all the popcorns and asking for a refill twice.
They had walked back to her hive hand in hand, stealing kisses that tasted like salt and soda, giggly and so happy.
The last time they had been able to watch a movie together. His last movie.
Oh.
"Shit," he breathed. "I am a fucking recluse".
The thought hit him like a mallet, and he blinked, returning his gaze to the ceiling.
It was one thing to mindlessly say that his friends didn't have time for him, and another to realise that he had been the first to not make time in his life for them, and for himself as well. Enclosing himself in a bubble that didn't need anything else to function, except…
Except he needed something else, but he'd been happily blind to that truth. In his pain, he'd built distance between himself and the only people who cared for him.
Terezi observed him, sitting in mid-air and fiddling with her fingers, and wondered what was wrong with him.
She had been idly following a raindrop roll down the glass of Karkat's communal hive, watching as it raced against another drop, splitting and scurrying out of sight.
It was a rainy day, and it had been raining for hours already, turning the streets outside into a muddy land; there were a few cars driving down the road, their headlights flashing when they turned the corner, swallowed into darkness by the pouring rain.
Terezi didn't mind rain –she'd liked its smell when she was still alive, even though it covered other more interesting odours– but now that she was dead, it felt like the world was trying to make her feel unwelcome, each drop passing through her, freezing her even more than her status as a non-living did. The tastes, already bland and diluted by the veil keeping her separate from the living, were non-existent, her vision stained by thousand raindrops falling from the sky.
It made her feel gloomy. Tired. Lonely.
Once, she would have been able to curl on her couch, maybe with Karkat at her side, cuddling and discussing the merits of ordering take-out… but even that, now, was precluded to her.
Floating towards the grubtop, Terezi spied Karkat's conversation with Sollux, and nodded; Karkat finally going out, spending time with other people, enjoying a movie, living… it had been a long while.
When she'd been still alive, breathing and capable of holding his hand in hers, feeling their skin touch, fingers intertwined, they had gone on so many dates together.
Terezi remembered those days fondly, if in a detached way –she ached for them to be back, but she also knew they would never be, lost into a past where she was still breathing and Karkat still happy.
To see a defeated look in his eyes whenever he thought about her, when in the past her name always brought a smile on his face, was devastating.
She observed Karkat return to his typing, and sighed.
CG: OK SO WHAT. MAYBE IT WAS A WHILE AGO. I DON'T NEED TO GO OUT ALL THE TIME. FUCK THAT SHIT. I AM NOT SURE IF YOU FORGOT IT, BUT I HAVE A BUSY SCHEDULE, AND I NEED TO COMPLETE MY COURSES AND ASSIGNMENTS IN ORDER TO DO SOMETHING OF VALUE IN THIS LIFE.
TA: oh, 2orry KK
TA: ii diidnt know you were 2o bent iin followiing my 2tep2
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SNIFFING, YOU BUGELICKER. YOU MAKE NO AMOUNT OF SENSE.
TA: ii am very plea2ed that you want two become more liike me. coped up iin your hiive all day
TA: ii 2eem two remember a tiime when you expliiciitly told me that ii wa2 2uch a dii2gu2tiing piile of hoofbea2t shiit, and that ii 2hould get my flat ar2e up before ii 2tarted growiing cobweb2
TA: ii 2hould have known iit wa2 ju2t a way two compliiment me
Karkat rolled his eyes.
He understood Sollux's point –he knew that the other, despite the snarky remarks, was looking out for him. It was almost saccharine sweet (and quite disgustingly so), but Karkat understood. He was also grateful, in a way.
They've been friends for a very long time, after all.
Unfortunately for Sollux, Karkat also had no real strong motivation to go out when there was no reason to do so.
He'd long since started associating everything good in his life (and he knew, he just knew, that something good for him wouldn't last long but just that once he'd hoped to be wrong) with Terezi, so when she'd been ripped away from his arms, nothing else made sense anymore.
What good would it be to go out to watch a movie if Terezi wasn't there to laugh at his emotional distress over fictional characters and their romantic tangled quadrants?
What good would it be to walk around, see stuff, places, if he couldn't have her at his side to share the view, the tastes?
It wasn't a conscious thought, but now that he looked back to the first, bleak period after his loss, it was the most obvious reason why he'd pulled away from his friends. Everything hurt, because everything reminded him of her.
When Dave had managed to get him out, for the first time Karkat had fun. He had not associated anything with Terezi, and he'd honestly enjoyed himself. First with the movie, then the pizza, the company, even his conversation with Dave's friend had not been awkward.
Since now he had to force himself to face things, he realised he'd been craving some interaction with other people for a while, but he'd never done anything to start, passively letting things go. and with his friends, it was even worse.
Maybe it was shitty to consider it, but it was also the truth. Even if he hadn't done much with Dave, other than a couple times out for coffee and their usual, easy conversations online, it just felt good, and that was it.
He honestly enjoyed spending time with the dork, and he looked forwards to seeing him more often, a break from his wanted isolation.
And that scared him.
It didn't feel right to have fun again, not without Terezi.
Karkat wasn't stupid. He knew this coping mechanism, this attempt at ignoring the truth until it slammed in his face, was wrong. It was just making things hard for him, but it was difficult to find motivation to do anything aside for the bare minimum.
He wasn't throwing away his life –he still had goals and aspirations, and it wasn't like he was giving up on them. But having fun… that was different. Losing Terezi had been like losing a limb. It hurt, and you learned to cope with the absence, but it never turned out to be any easier.
For a long time he'd missed Terezi so much that every breath hurt. He'd woken up every day in his recuperacoon expecting her to smile down at him, teasing him for sleeping in.
Slowly, it got better. He still indulged in this bleak limbo, but it wasn't like he was ruining his life, and his friends were busy anyway, so he didn't have a reason to go out alone, right?
Now, though… faced with someone new, someone who didn't know shit about him, an outsider... adding that incognita, Karkat was forced to face things instead of pushing them away.
Facing the fact that he was indeed ruining his life, like that. And he'd pushed his friends away with hollow reasons that were worth nothing.
He felt guilty.
This wasn't really living. Not if he was dragging himself on. He'd closed off and fed the pain with his loneliness and he'd convinced himself that was ok, and he knew that he would have continued doing so had he not met that douchebag in an oversized coat hanging out of a patisserie.
Having fun felt good. Relaxing with people, enjoying a moment where the usual pain wasn't there. Part of him wanted him to give in, to go back to spend more time with Dave, reconnect the loose threads of his friendship with Sollux, and maybe be a little more honest with his moirail. He wanted to feel life again. Have fun and be… selfish.
Another part of him wanted to curl up in a ball in his respiteblock –was going out really worth it? Would he forget about Terezi? Well, no. That wouldn't happen. But would that be fair? Have fun when she was…
Then there was the last part of him, lethargic and tired, that wanted him to just give up and continue like this. He couldn't give up but he didn't have to make an effort to socialise. Being by himself, becoming what he wanted to be, dedicate this to her memory… wasn't that fine? It was better than giving a fuck about things that would probably get ruined if he did.
He didn't want Dave to keep on pushing, trying to make their friendship work.
Did he even like Dave, or had he just latched on the first available person because he wanted out?
"No, fuck that shit. Past me, you are an asshole if you think that's true," he chastised himself loudly, standing up and pacing around the room, movements mechanic and barely restrained.
Dave was ok, and he knew it. He honestly enjoyed the company, and denying that was a horrible thing to do. he wasn't shallow, and second-guessing their growing friendship would be the coward way out, simply an excuse to end things and return to how it was before.
But being forced out of his lull, of his habits, was tiring. It took all of his energy to keep up with things, and his life was not prey of monotony anymore.
He stopped in front of one of the many photos of Terezi scattered into his block.
She was wearing one of her favourite shirts, a colourful horror that Sollux had given her as a gift, mostly to poke fun at her, but against all odds she'd fallen in love with it. It had all the colours mashed together in splashy dots and spots on all its surface, including a neon pink blot on her shoulder that Karkat always said looked like a ghost about to eat her head. She looked happy, energetic –full of life.
Not knowing what would soon happen.
He stared at her blind eyes for a long moment, unaware of the fact that Terezi was present in the room, and had slid towards him, placing herself between him and the photo, looking right at him, mouth slightly open.
"I'm sorry I'm doing such a shitty job at living on," he muttered to the photo, feeling silly for talking with someone who was not even there. "It shows that this is just another way life likes to fuck me over, isn't it? Let's count the ways we can kick Karkat Vantas to the ground. I lost you and now I'm losing myself, too. This isn't even fucking fair".
He paused for a moment, looking away from her photo.
His insides clenched painfully, and he inhaled deeply, trying to calm down. This wouldn't do.
"I make my friends worry… even the ones I barely met," he recalled Dave's worried face, the way he'd tried to keep away, to leave Karkat his space. What a fucking nice person. "And I'm sure that you'd kick me with your cane for turning myself into a fucking recluse, heh".
Terezi nodded vigorously, pushing her glasses up her nose. "Yes, I would if I could touch you," she admitted. "I'd send you down on the floor and then sit on your chest until you learned to behave".
It was almost stupid –they were both trying to talk to one another, but there was no way for them to communicate. They were holding one-sided conversations, destined never to hear from one another anymore.
She shook her head, feeling a wave of sadness circle her. She knew that there was no way Karkat would listen to her –the fussy, nubby idiot. She loved him, him and his stubbornness, his mood swings, his anger, his articulate vocabulary and his love for stupid romcoms… but he wouldn't change, not even if Terezi herself asked Aradia to talk to him in her place.
Karkat needed help, yes… but not from the dead. Nor from anybody. He needed to want the change himself, to latch to people again, to remember that he deserved to go on.
"You stupid candycorn grub," she whispered, tone full of warmth. "Don't push everybody away… please".
Karkat gritted his teeth again, turning back to the computer.
He needed to be the one to do something.
CG: HEY. DOUBLE OBSESSED FREAK. DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE SOME TIME FOR THAT GAME NOW?
TA: well… ii wouldnt know KK
TA: wouldnt your popcorn go 2tale whiile ii kiick your 2hameglobe2 wiithout mercy?
CG: PLEASE, DON'T ACT LIKE YOU'RE NOT FUCKING PLEASED TO HAVE SUCH A WORTH ALLY IN YOUR PARTY, WE BOTH KNOW WHO BRINGS HIVE THE MOST LOOT BETWEEN US, SOLLUX. DON'T DELUDE YOUR STALE THINKPAN INTO BELIEVING YOU ARE GOING TO WIN.
CG: BESIDES, I WILL EASILY MANAGE TO HAVE A TASTE OF MY POPCORNS WHILE I SNIPE TREASURES FOR MYSELF.
TA: iitty biitty KK ii2 feeliing competiitiive? Are you up for a challenge then, iidiiot?
CG: SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP THAT FORKED APPENDAGE YOU CALL A TONGUE PRESSED AGAINST YOUR FRONTAL TEETH. YOU'RE GOING TO GET POUNDED SO HARD YOU'LL BE UNABLE TO SIT FOR A WEEK.
TA: ugh, gro22
Karkat bit his lower lip, observing the words on the screen with hesitance, then nodded to himself. This was ok.
He could confront his past bit by bit, reconcile with his friends at least, even if he couldn't bring her back.
He couldn't change his feelings or make everything go back to how it was before. That path had long since closed its doors to him.
But he didn't want to keep going on like this. Alone, tired, lonely and sitting in the dark.
He had to believe that even if life might have wanted to fuck with him, he had been the one who was doing the worst.
To start, small steps would do.