Even magic can't supply me with the copyrights to Harry Potter.
As Ron ducked into the Shack, Harry dropped everything he was carrying. This was nothing, but it was the thought that counted.
In the redhead's arms was a bag filled past the brim with dead mice and rats, and on his face was a look of bemusement and a slight tinge of relief. "Why the bloody hell would you want all these, Hermione? I know you're an owl and all, but I don't see how you and Hedwig could possibly eat all these! Also, I hope you're happy. I had to get past the spiders alone this time!"
Hermione, still an owl, clicked a sarcastic apology, which Ron accepted, knowing he wouldn't get any better, before he sat down and poured the rodents onto the wooden floor. "That enough for you? Lucky Hagrid gave me a few, said it was for an obnoxious owl..."
Ron's cries of pain as an owl bit through his fingers flew right over Harry's head. He was getting increasingly angry with everything. After a few minutes of pacing, a few more of rocking back and forth, and a game involving trying his hardest not to smash everything into dust, he'd had enough.
"I'M GOING OUTSIDE!" The others forgot their bickering and stared as he stood up, grabbed a thin blanket off the bed, shoved some mice into it, and left with Hedwig clinging to his exoskeletal shoulder.
Ron and Hermione found him flat on his face in the corridor; his aches and pains had caught up with him. They dragged him back to the bed, glad that his skin protected him from scrapes, and returned the mice back to their rightful place in the pile.
When Harry woke up, he found himself once more roped to the bed, and sighed a long sigh. "If I could Shift right now, I would be an evil spider-Harry freezing to death. If I have to be locked in a room with my fears, why shouldn't you?"
Ron's voice came from the right. "Because, your fear is the room, mate." Harry sighed again, then remembered a snippet of his thoughts the night before.
"Guys, I want to start a class to teach people how to do spells which are actually useful."
Hermione gaped for a second, then shook her head to clear her mind, and answered gleefully. "I think that's a brilliant idea, Harry! What're you going to teach them first? How will the lessons be set out? Where will you teach? Will it be secret or will you ask Dumbledore?" The questions kept on coming, and Harry suddenly felt much closer to the size of a non-magical spider.
"Uh, Hermione," Ron ventured, "Harry can't answer every question you throw at him."
The girl blushed lightly and stopped listing things for Harry to teach. The spider-boy interrupted the silence. "So what'll we do about this, then? I can't just go up to everyone and make an announcement that 'Shift the boggart, also known as me, will be holding combat classes every Thursday afternoon, after Defence Against the Dark Arts,' now can I?"
Ron grinned evilly.
Hermione smiled sweetly.
Harry grimaced resignedly.
"Hello, gryffindor." Shift, in his new white robes ("The black ones make me look naked!"), took a small bow and continued. "My name is Shift, and I am a boggart stuck in this half spider form. I gained a human level of intelligence, and became really rather bored. I happened to hear from Hermione and Ron here that the education in Hogwarts is severely lacking in useful spells, et cetera, and so I have decided to hold a class teaching everyone here about these spells, from the simple Expelliarmus to the much more complex Patronus. We will be studying a different spell each Thursday at seven PM, starting with a little surprise, and if you would like to know more, just come and see me during any meal. If you have any friends in other houses who would like to come, by all means, bring them. Thank you."
And with that he spun on his heel, white cloak swishing, and exited the common room.
"That wasn't so bad now, was it?" Hermione and Ron's chorus echoed in Harry's ears as he turned to them.
He glared at them. "Ye- actually, not really, no," he corrected himself, surprised it had gone so well.
The news of Shift's lessons spread like wildfire, and dozens of students approached him at lunch for details, including Fred and George Weasley, who confirmed that everyone knew that the mild-mannered Voldemoron was Shift, and commended him on his brilliant prank. Unfortunately he hadn't the slightest clue where the class could be held, as the Shack had the Whomping Willow guarding it, so he had to turn them all down until a later date.
Ron had been spending his free time that day practicing his Animagus transformation, which he had now perfected except a little skin over his heart, and searching the restricted section for Animagick books with Hermione in Harry's stead. He had found one, skimmed through to check for usefulness, and handed it to Hermione to recheck. They had then made their way to the Shack, where Harry was pacing literal holes into the ground.
"Oi, mate, you'll ruin the Shack if you keep that up! Not that it's in top condition in the first place," he mused, setting down the heavy book on the bed. Harry, a dead mouse in his hand, sat down and pulled the book onto his lap using his free hand. He found that surprisingly difficult, however, and held the mouse's tail in his mouth to free his other hand. Ron looked at the mouse, expecting to gag, but instead feeling a pang of hunger. He groaned.
"Are you kidding me?" When the others raised an eyebrow each, he explained. "I think we all eat mice," he complained, and Harry laughed. "It's not funny! How am I supposed to enjoy a meal when I eat MICE? It's not right!" He paused. "Oh, and Hagrid's a mouse."
The trio quickly switched to rats.
Harry, a rat's tail in his mouth, pondered over the book once more in his lap. "This book is perfect!" He exclaimed after a few minutes reading. "It's also pretty similar to our method, so I could feasibly say I adapted it." His face fell. "I still can't figure out a place though."
"Try asking Hagrid?"
Harry sent a withering look in Ron's direction, before answering. "Hagrid didn't have a place for our Animagus forms and his hut's too easy to spy on."
"Professor McGonagall?" Hermione asked, but he shook his head.
"Dobby?" Ron joked, but Harry's face lit up.
"That might just work," he half-cheered, and raised his voice a little. "Dobby?"
With a tiny pop, the fully-dressed house elf appeared. "Dobby is so excited to see Mr Harry Potter," he chirped, apparently unconcerned about his current form. "What can Dobby do for Mr Harry Potter, Sir?"
"...F-for a start, you can call me Harry, Dobby," Harry managed, still wondering how Dobby could possibly not panic at the sight of a half-spider Harry Potter. "I don't want to be your master, after all, I want to be your friend."
Dobby beamed at this, tears leaking out of his gigantic eyes. "Thank you very much, Harry, Sir!" He cried, and Harry chuckled embarrassedly.
"Well Dobby, I was wondering if you knew where I could fit around thirty people in one room for a practical class. We're going to be doing something illegal but not bad, so we need it to be spy-proof."
The elf gasped and clapped his hands together. "Dobby knows a place, Harry!" The boy-who-lived was pleased that he had now dropped the 'Sir', but most of his attention was on the answer to his problem.
"Go on, Dobby," he urged, and the house elf bounced a little in reply.
"Dobby is calling it the Come and Go Room, but the other elves is calling it the Room of Requirement! Dobby can show Harry and his friends right now, if Harry isn't busy, Sir!"
Harry winced at the 'Sir', but he ignored it. "That'd be great, Dobby, thanks."
The elf put out a hand and said "hold on, Sirs and Miss!" They did, and were whisked away to the seventh floor corridor. Harry sat down, deciding that he much preferred flying to this, and Hermione sat next to him, seeming fairly dizzy herself, but Ron didn't seem very badly affected and helped the two up after they'd rested for a minute.
"Harry and friends must just walk past the tapestry and think about what they want," he explained.
"Thanks, Dobby, you're a lifesaver." The elf bowed happily and was gone with a pop.
Two long chapters in a day! Dobby and the RoR make an appearance! Harry is setting up a class! It's year five in year three!
But not quite.
Shift is going to teach in 'secret' and it's going to be amazing. That's all I can think of. It's late.