~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ch6, Game On
Jane had a horrible night and Maura was with her, equal in their misery...well almost. Maura didn't have Jane's pounding headache, broken rib and smashed jaw, but Maura had an aching, yearning heart. So balance was met.
Maura was first to emerge from the bed. She went to make coffee and prepare some breakfast for them both. She brought a fresh bucket and fresh towels to the room, replaced the water glass and straightened her side of the bed and walked out of the room.
Jane, lay there, partially aware of being in the guest room and Maura's coming and going. Feeling out of it still, she remembered the beat-down she'd received the day before and how Maura held her on the cold ground and rescued her from the hospital. "Maura." She so loved her wife. Jane felt no matter the wretchedness in the world, with Maura, she could survive, even thrive despite it all. Jane reached to touch her own face and assess the damage for herself, finally today, she could take the pain medication. The observation period prevented medication for the past 24 hours. Finally, she might get some relief from her aching body. At that thought, Jane was up, hugging the bucket again.
Maura rushed back when she heard the sound, she'd hoped that the nausea would be diminishing by now. There was not much Maura could do for Jane. She just had to get through it, but seeing Jane in so much agony broke her heart. Maura, for the life of her had not felt this way about another human being in her entire lifetime. What was this feeling? It wasn't pity. Maybe sadness, and love. Definitely love. But there was fear as well. Melancholy. What would happen if things didn't go well?
Jane slept for most of the next few days, the pain medicine made her drowsy. Each night Maura reluctantly and anxiously entered what was their bed in the guest room, although both her reticence and anxiety were diminishing. Jane required her presence throughout the night. Maura didn't really mind. She began to look forward to that routine with her checking Jane's injuries and finally Jane laying her protective arm over Maura's waist when it was time to fall asleep. Maura enjoyed the closeness, but how long could she fend off Jane's advances? Her physical injuries may very well heal before her dissociated psyche returned to normal. How long could Maura herself maintain self-control? She played the role of wife in the most minimal of ways. She couldn't let things get too heated or even heated at all. Casual kisses on the cheek were as much as Maura would allow. But Jane always pushed the limits. Maura was constantly inventing ways to escape without offending Jane.
Maura and Frankie had the house prepared to their best ability and the ruse was on. The two had discussed how they would handle the eventual return of Jane's proper memory. Basically, they decided to keep watch on Jane 24/7 and would take turns if Maura had to be away for a bit. Late that morning, when Jane finally emerged to the land of the living and had actually finally put on something other than sleep clothes, Frankie was already at the house in the living room with Maura there waiting.
Jane sat next to Maura and casually reached for her hand. Jane missed Maura and longed for her touch. They continued to share the same bed, but Maura had held herself back from Jane these past few days since she was beaten. Jane believed it was because she was still healing so it did not strike her as odd at all. Maura always did the right thing in all circumstances. But still, Jane missed Maura, even though they'd been virtually sharing the same space for nearly a week. She lost focus as she tried to remember the last time she and Maura were together, in bed, intimately. Why couldn't she remember? She could only remember elusive glimpses, as if she were dreaming. She blamed the head injury and stopped trying to think so much. Her head still hurt. Jane kept toying with Maura's fingers and hand wishing that Maura would allow them an opportunity to be closer. She tried to focus on Frankie as they sat there while Frankie caught her up with all the goings on at the precinct.
Jane stopped, and looked confused for a moment. "Maura, where is your wedding ring?" Maura froze again. She hadn't thought of that. Neither had Frankie, but luckily Frankie was quick on his feet and jumped in, "Maura asked me to take them in for cleaning, both yours and hers. She said that since you were trying to get better and not planning on being anywhere but bed that this was the perfect chance to get that done."
Maura exhaled with that cogent, believable explanation. Jane turned to Maura and paused to wait for Maura to look back. "Sweetheart, you are the most thoughtful, considerate woman on earth. I love you so much." And Jane reached to hold her wife.
Frankie sat back in his chair, the ring disaster averted, for now. They were going to have to be extra careful. He watched as Maura gently pulled back and scolded Jane not to move around a lot.
"Jane, you shouldn't move around too much, alright? Nothing strenuous. You should let your body get a chance to heal."
"Maura, I was just going to hug you. That's not so strenuous is it?"
Maura affectionately ran her hand along Jane's shoulder down to her elbow and backup again. The days of being so close and sharing a bed made these simple gestures come so easily, without conscious thought. Even battling to keep things cool, Maura didn't realize how things had changed between them and how truly comfortable she'd become with caring for Jane.
Frankie noticed the difference between the women. There was a distinctively more relaxed, intimate interaction between them. He wondered what might have happened between them this past week. He didn't like where his thoughts took him, but he trusted Maura and hoped she'd stayed strong enough and not let herself go there.
Maura stood and asked if either of them wanted anything from the kitchen. Jane requested hot chocolate and Frankie smiled at the choice. Jane felt a bit better today so she wanted to help, "Hey, Maura, you've been doing all the work for me, let me at least do something. Please?" Jane walked into the kitchen and started to reach for her favorite mug from the cabinet. "Maura, did you move all the mugs? I thought we kept them in this cabinet?" Maura answered, "Oh, Jane, yes, your mother actually rearranged the kitchen for me?" Which wasn't actually a lie, because Angela actually had, but she had done that over two years ago. Technically, Maura was still on the straight and narrow. Maura began to fidget.
Once they'd finished their drinks and Frankie was watching a hockey game on the tv, Jane snuck up behind Maura as she stood at the kitchen sink washing up. She lifted her hand to lightly slide Maura's hair to the side, "Hi Baby." Jane softly kissed the side of Maura's neck. Maura shut her eyes and quickly drew in a breath that she held for the briefest moment then exhaled. Jane's velvety lips moved along to the back of her neck and around to the side and upwards to just behind Maura's ear. Jane released a breath as she got close to Maura's ear. Maura's hands gripped the counter's edge.
She struggled to fight what was rapidly building inside her. To Maura, Jane's affection felt like heaven but she knew she shouldn't allow herself to feel. All she has wanted was being offered but she needed to deny herself. Jane kept applying gentle kisses to Maura's neck. Maura kept trying to push the feelings back and not react but her own body was betraying her. Maura's logical brain told her that Jane needed to be healthy, to recover, to be herself but Maura felt Jane's body firmly pressing against hers as she continued to push Maura to give in. The intensity was piercing. It was almost more than she could take. Maura's head automatically lilted to the side as Jane pressed on. Maura's eyes remained closed, she bit her bottom lip and exhaled again. She wanted to turn around and return the kisses, but she knew it wasn't right, not now, not yet. Not til Jane was Jane again, if ever she was.
Jane slid her hands down Maura's arms to her hands and slowly pried their grip from the edge of the counter and spun Maura around. Jane pressed even closer. Maura's eyes opened and she saw over Jane's shoulder that Frankie was watching with a touch of fear in his eyes.
Frankie knew how much was at stake here. He knew that Maura truly did love Jane. He also knew that Maura wanted the real Jane, not the one here who was hurting and not thinking clearly. But back in the kitchen, Jane was not holding back as she continued to kiss her way up Maura's jaw line. Both Maura and Frankie were torn between what's right and protecting Jane's psyche. If they let Jane push forward with Maura here now, the bubble they'd created would remain intact. If they stopped Jane, she could become upset and neither could predict Jane's reaction.
Maura's eyes were wide and searching Frankie's for direction, she felt herself pulled to Jane, not by force but by commanding burning want. Frankie was afraid to upset his sister by breaking this protective pretense but he needed to stop this. He tried to urge Maura, mouthing the words to her, "Don't, Maura. No. Don't do it." Frankie was waving his hands at her to prevent this.
Jane stepped closer. Maura never saw Frankie's warning. The balance tipped. Maura closed her eyes and allowed herself to feel.
Jane's gentle, hypnotizing kisses touched their way across Maura's face. Jane paused for an infinitesimal moment. Maura's heart was pounding, she ached for Jane. Jane dreamily settled a kiss at the corner of Maura's mouth. Maura turned her face and slid her parted lips toward Jane's to finally allow Jane's kisses in and Jane took charge. Maura simply melted. In a universe without gravity, Maura felt herself lose touch with the ground. She drifted, only connected to Jane as they kissed. Maura lost track of everything, where she was, Jane's injury didn't exist. Her own body didn't exist. Nothing existed but Jane and this magnificent magical feeling of energy and love and desire coursing between them. All she could think was, More. Jane's breath on her face made her eyes flutter. Jane's body was moving against hers. Maura was no longer in control of her own. Jane's arms gently held her close. Maura was completely enveloped. She mindlessly lifted her arms to cross her wrists at the back of Jane's neck while Jane's hands slowly migrated across Maura's shoulders. Floating. Floating in a kiss. It lasted forever. It lasted an instant.
Jane slowly pulled her mouth away from Maura's because things were about to get carried away and by the feel of it all, that had already begun to happen. She'd remembered Frankie was still there even if Maura didn't. Maura was her wife and Frankie didn't need a show.
Maura couldn't speak. She stood, dumbstruck, staring back at Jane.
Frankie stood stock-still as well. He knew they loved each other even before the Jane's injury, and he even rooted for them to get together. But Frankie had never witnessed such an event as this, and the off-the-charts intensity of that very first kiss. He didn't know. When he encouraged Maura to participate in pretend marriage for Jane's sake, he intended to shield his sister from her own illusion. He had no idea the power between these two women. He was in awe. He was also alarmed. Frankie was proud that his sister had experienced something so powerful with another person but he also felt sad for her because he knew she might never realize what she had or what she'd lost when she did eventually come to her senses and back to reality.
Would she even remember?
And poor Maura. Maura could be crushed beyond oblivion. He could see Maura beginning to give in to her feelings. If ever two people were made for each other, it was these two. Jane was not well. Jane was not thinking clearly. Her emotions were unstable. What if she said or did something that pushed Maura away? What if Jane came back into herself and didn't remember this time with Maura? Frankie knew how his sister reacted to emotional things. Jane tended to run. Maura would be destroyed. Jane was risking everything she'd ever wanted for her life and she wasn't even aware of it.
Frankie knew that Jane would never forgive herself if she wrecked her chances with Maura. He decided he needed to stop this, he had to find a way to help Jane and protect Maura from almost certain heartbreak. Once Jane was herself again, he would do everything in his power to get these two together. But right now, all he saw was danger and pain in their future.
He needed to get Maura alone.
Jane still had her back to Frankie. She stood, eyes gazing back into Maura's. Entire books of communication flowing between their stares. Jane reached for Maura's face. At the touch, Maura's eyes fluttered shut then rejoined the stare as she leaned her face toward the palm of Jane's hand. Both were mesmerized and lost in their own world. Frankie had to clear his throat several times to get their attention. "Girls, Girls, I'm still here." "Jane!" Jane turned only slightly, sliding her hands to Maura's hips, not wanting to lose contact. Frankie stepped to the side of the sink to try to look Jane in the eye.
"Jane." Jane finally turned her eyes away from Maura. "Ma needs to talk with you, do you think you could go over there and figure out what she wants? I forgot to tell you earlier."
Jane turned back to Maura as if to ask permission. Neither wanted the spell to be broken, but Frankie was being persistent. In her mind, Maura was desperately begging and pleading for Jane to just kiss her again. As Jane stood, all she wanted to do was press her lips against Maura's and forget Frankie was even there. "Jane." Frankie wasn't giving up. Maura almost imperceptibly nodded in the affirmative and Jane turned to go.
"Here, wear my coat, it's not so bad out there today, but it's still cold" and Frankie quickly retrieved his from the couch. Jane made her way out the side door nearest the kitchen to tend to her mother.
Maura leaned back into the counter with the heels of her hands at the counter's edge holding most of her weight. Her knees were still shaking and she let out a soft shuddering breath.
She turned her head toward Frankie who was now standing three feet from her. Maura was clearly in a daze.
"Maura. You can't do this. You have to take Jane to a hospital, or let Ma take care of her." Frankie reached up to rub the back of his neck. "That kiss, Maura, that kiss was, "
"I know." Maura closed her eyes again and leaned further into the counter.
"Maura you can't do that again, at least not while Jane isn't herself."
Maura opened her eyes and turned her head again toward Frankie. "What? You could have stopped her. You were here the entire time. Actually, Frankie, I'm glad you didn't stop her. She is...incredible. And I have never, ever been kissed like that before." Maura shut her eyes. "I never knew what a kiss could do." She looked back at Frankie, "You can't tell me to stop now."
"Maura, please, listen to me. I was wrong. You've got to put your doctor hat back on. Think about what this could do to Jane. To you." Frankie moved to stand directly in front of Maura. "I was here for that kiss, Maura. I've never seen anything like it. I know you two belong together and I promise I will help you make that happen. But only after Jane is better. What if Jane hurts you? How can you possibly protect your heart when she kisses you," Frankie waved his arms in front of him, "like that?"
Maura's voice had an edge. "Frankie, I am a doctor, I don't need a hat. I am perfectly capable of guarding my heart and keeping track of what's real. I am following the direction of a world-renown psychiatrist and she told me to NOT break Jane's alternate reality and to let Jane come into her own on her own."
"Maura, please, listen. What if Jane snaps out of it and can't understand why she's here with you? And if she doesn't snap out of it, Jane's not gonna stop at a kiss, Maura. She won't. I know my sister. What if you two are in bed together and that is when she wakes up? Maura, this is so dangerous. What if she runs?" Maura was suddenly more aware of Frankie's words as he spoke. "For Jane and for yourself, Maura please, try to see where I'm coming from. Jane's not right right now."
"I can handle it." They stood glaring. It was a stand-off.
The door opened and Jane walked in, "Ma wasn't even home, Frankie. I walked over there and knocked and waited for nothing." She walked toward the two at the kitchen sink and half tossed Frankie's coat back at him. "What are you two all serious about? Did Frankie lose his favorite pet rock or something?" Jane made herself laugh and grasped for her injured rib.
Maura looked over at Jane and saw that she was perspiring even after having been out in the cold. She reached over to help Jane to go to the living room and sit. She'd been standing too long as it was and was obviously in some pain.
Frankie glared at Maura. He put on his coat and he motioned for Maura to walk him to the door.
"Bye Jane."
"Bye baby brother."
At the door, "Maura, think about what I said. I'll call you later." Frankie gave Maura a hug. "I mean it, don't get too wrapped up in this. It could all blow up in your face. Could you forgive her Maura, when she royally screws this up?"
"Let's not go there already, alright? I'll consider what you've said. I'm not ready to make any decisions right now. Maybe after I've thought a bit more, we can talk. OK?"
"That's a start." Frankie buttoned his jacket. "If you need me to come back and put the cuffs on Jane I will. My sister is an animal." He grinned and Maura grinned as she gave him a gentle shove out the door. Both their smiles faded quickly and Frankie turned to make eye contact with Maura. He gave her a nod and she nodded in return. They would speak more about this later.
Maura closed the door and set the locks. She leaned her back against the door for a moment and listened to the sound from the television in the living room. She looked in on Jane and saw that she was sitting at the edge of the sofa. She looked nervous. "Jane, is everything ok?"
"Maura, I feel kinda funny. I think I need to lie down."
"What do you mean, Jane? What is it?"
"I just feel all shaky inside." Maura helped Jane to lay back on the couch and covered her with the blanket they usually used on movie night. Maura sat next to Jane and held her hand. "Maura, I'm ok. I just started thinking about how kissing you makes me feel. It is just overwhelming. I guess we haven't been doing much of that since my incident with that lead-fisted criminal."
"No, Jane, we haven't. But you need your rest and you need to let your body heal."
"I know babe, it's just, I really want you to be close to me. I need you close to me."
Maura squeezed her hand and leaned over to place a kiss on her forehead. It was the first time she'd ever done that to Jane. It honestly felt right, even natural for her. She wanted to love Jane with all her heart, to show her. "I'm here Jane. I'm not going anywhere." She started to slide her fingertips repeatedly down the edge of Jane's hairline across her forehead to behind her ear to soothe her.
Maura continued for a few minutes while Jane relaxed and closed her eyes. Jane fell asleep holding Maura's hand. Maura sat there awhile longer looking at Jane's face and the enormous bruise along the side of her jaw. Maura traced the edge of the discoloration with her fingertip. The swelling had been gone for the past few days and the color had changed from the horrible dark purple to now a paler, lighter hue. Jane had begun to heal. But they both had so much further to go before their life would be normal again, if it ever would be. Maura whispered under her breath, "Jane, I need you too. I need you to come back to me. I need you to remember our old life so we can start our own new one together. I don't know what to do Jane. I need you back to show me." Maura slipped her hand free from Jane's hold and went to the kitchen to begin to prepare lunch.
Ten minutes later, she stood at the sink washing vegetables and found herself lost in the very recent memory of Jane and the kiss. With the water still streaming into the sink, Maura leaned one hand onto the counter and moved the other toward her mouth, her fingertips lightly moving across her lips she allowed the memory of that kiss to consume her body again. In all her days, she never. No one ever. Only Jane.
She understood the warning Frankie had imparted. She just didn't want to go back. If it destroyed her she didn't care. She'd have Jane for a moment and that would have to be enough. She'd let Jane love her until Jane couldn't and it would be enough. She'd make it be enough.
She dropped her hands to her sides. Maura knew. It would never be enough.
A/N: Thanks to Tess Gerritsen, Angie Harmon and that precious darling, Sasha Alexander. What a wonderful world they've created. I kinda like this chapter. I hope all of you like this one too.