~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ch7, Am I Crazy?
Angela knocked at the back door. After what she'd witnessed between the two girls lately, she was uncertain if she'd be interrupting anything. At the knock, Maura was grateful that Angela had decided to allow some boundaries.
Maura greeted her at the door with whispers. "Shh, Jane's sleeping in the living room. Hi Angela, it's very nice to see you."
"Maura, honey, are you alright? You look tired. Has Jane been giving you trouble?"
"No Angela, she's actually been the perfect patient. Her injuries appear to be healing nicely. And Jane wanted me to tell you that the pasta you made for her was delicious. I was beginning to worry with all the nausea that Jane had in those first few days. But, she does seem to be over that now." Maura was rambling. Angela noticed.
"So Maura, is there anything I can do to help out? It looks like you're about to cook something in the kitchen. May I finish that for you dear? You just go rest with Jane."
Maura desperately wanted Angela to leave in case Jane woke up and Angela started talking with Jane. Every minute was a risk. "Angela, that would be lovely, but please, can we just let Jane sleep? Let's be quiet here as we cook."
"Oh no, Maura you go. Go sit in your big comfy chair and relax. Mamma's here today. Put your feet up." Maura smiled hearing Angela say 'Mamma's here', Maura hadn't heard that very much in her lifetime.
Maura hesitated but finally agreed and went to relax in her chair. Angela finished preparing the meal and saw that Maura had also fallen asleep. She removed the medical journal from under Maura's arm and covered her with a throw. She peeked at Jane as she lay sprawled all across Maura's sofa. "That's my Jane. " Angela wrapped up the food for later and looked around for anything else she could do. She went to the guest room to try and straighten up so Maura wouldn't have to pick up after her very messy daughter.
Angela found it odd as well as interesting, it appeared that two people had been sleeping in that bed. Her intuition about them being together seemed proven at this. She saw the flannel pajamas laid out and smiled. She knew Maura would like them if only she would give them a chance. Angela tidied up and then cleaned the downstairs bathroom as well.
She checked on the two as she walked toward the refrigerator and pulled some lettuce to give to the reptilian pets. They deserved a treat too, she thought, after she'd been spoiling Jo for over a week. "Such odd pets, turtles. But this little guy is kinda cute isn't he?" Angela was either talking to herself or to the tortoises, either way, she was happy her girls were together. What took them so long? A happy and satisfied Angela finally went back home loaded with confirmation that Jane and Maura were finally together.
Jane woke from her nap on the couch. She was well aware of her steady oversleeping. Jane had become more and more alert and aware in the past few days. She just didn't want to face the thing that was making her afraid so she hid in her sleep, grateful the pain medication made her drowsy. She sat up and looked over to Maura in the chair. What a sweet angel. Maura was about the only constant good for her lately.
Jane began to tilt her head to stretch her neck from sleeping on the couch. Her eyes absentmindedly scanned around the room and Jane began to recognize some of her books on the bookshelves, her first-place police shooting award and her last-place bowling trophy on display too. She smiled at all her stuff among Maura's things. She just couldn't remember putting anything there or remember the monumental argument Maura and she likely would have had over putting that bowling trophy, consisting of a plastic, gold-chromed back half of an ass, anywhere near Maura's living room. She wondered also why she couldn't remember the discussion that inevitably would have followed as to what a Donkey's rear end had to do with bowling. She chuckled for a brief moment, then her face became serious. Jane could not remember.
She had begun to think something was wrong with her, like maybe that hit to the head did more damage than they originally thought. She was so confused almost all day long, everyday. Like the hook for the leash disappearing and reappearing, what was wrong with her head? She could never find anything in the house and when she tried to remember specific things, she just couldn't get there. Her brain blocked her somehow.
Even so, Maura was different, even distant to Jane, or so Jane perceived. She couldn't attribute Maura's behavior all to trying to protect her injury anymore. Why wouldn't she just sit close and let Jane hold her? That couldn't hurt anyone. Why wouldn't Maura let her touch her, like really touch her? But then her thoughts ran straight to that kiss. "Whoa." Jane let the word escape as a wave rolled through her. At least the spark between them had not dissipated. She looked over to Maura who was sound asleep. Jane's eyes traveled across Maura's relaxed features as she slept in her overstuffed chair. Jane felt the love and desire as it should be, as she expected it to be, as she wanted it to be. In fact, to Jane, that is one thing that seems even stronger. Jane was so very much in love with Maura and that kiss proved Maura felt the same.
But still, Jane was afraid she was losing her mind and had started to pull into herself, afraid that maybe she'd never be herself again. Her memory gaps frightened her. She needed to talk with Maura. She was worried about going back into work and and not having her entire mind there with her. She couldn't trust her own head anymore.
Jane tried not to cry. She was terrified, she was sad. She didn't understand why all her emotions were at the surface and she no longer had the ability to beat them back down. This was so not like her. She couldn't control it.
She looked again across to Maura who was still sleeping near her in the chair. Jane's distressed face turned soft as she watched Maura breathing. God, this woman was everything. The only time she didn't feel uncertain or confused was in the evenings when she lay next to Maura in the bed and draped her arm protectively over her darling wife. But that only lasted so long until her mind started whirring around trying to remember the intimate moments again and again.
She couldn't bear the thought of losing Maura, of losing her own mind. Because surely, if she had a screw knocked loose and truly was going crazy, she could not put Maura through that. She'd need to leave. The pain reappeared on Jane's face and she slowly stood up and went to the kitchen. She could smell that something had been cooking and went to investigate what scrumptious gifts resided in the kitchen as a result, hunger temporarily distracting her from her thoughts. Jane hadn't really eaten properly in the past week but she felt like she needed to get something inside her before she became ill. Her appetite was back. Progress.
Maura woke to rustling in the kitchen. Oh no! She didn't mean to fall asleep. Did Jane talk with her mother? She needed to find out. She called over to the kitchen as she stood from her chair. "Jane, how are you feeling?"
"I'm ok Maur, can you come over here with me?" Maura's heart immediately sank. She looked over to where Jane stood in the kitchen but saw Angela was not there.
"Sure, Jane. Just a sec, ok?" Maura went into the bathroom to splash some water on her face and prepare to face whatever had Jane had to say. Immediately she noticed that the bathroom had recently been cleaned to sparkling perfection. Jane didn't do this. Maura whispered, "Angela." Maura's heart sunk in her chest. She rushed to the guest bedroom. "Angela saw."
Maura's anxiety was peaking and she walked straight out toward Jane.
"Here beautiful, sit down. So you made lunch and I just fell asleep on you. It's nearly dinner time now. Did you eat? Can I fix you a plate? Look at this. Yum." Jane wanted to do something good for Maura, to show her love and gratitude for taking such care of her. Maura smiled at the gesture. Jane brought the plate up to gather the scent, "It looks delicious and smells even better."
Maura relaxed a little, it seems that Jane didn't know Angela was even there. "Yes, please, I'd love some. Your mother came here earlier and prepared this for us. I am so embarrassed that I fell asleep before she left."
"Nah, I'm sure Ma knows how much you've been doing to take care of me. She knows you must be tired, or just tired of putting up with me." She laughed a little. "I know I'm not easy to put up with, especially when I'm not feeling well. Thank you, Maura." Maura reached for Jane's hand for a moment. They continued enjoying their meal.
Jane got lost in a memory while they sat side by side on the bar stools at the counter. Jane was gazing off to her left and seemed transfixed in thought as she imagined seeing Maura round that corner toward the kitchen wearing her purple satin flower patterned robe appearing magnificent and happy and sexier than Jane could handle. Then Jane laughed a bit out loud and said, "You spit your coffee out."
"What? Jane what are you talking about?"
"You. I made coffee for you and you spit it out. I remember. You were wearing that short and sexy purple robe. Please tell me that really happened and I am not imagining it."
"Do you mean the first night baby TJ stayed here? Oh, that happened alright. I don't know how you manage to sneak instant coffee into this house. I remember too, Jane. Yes, that happened. But, please, if you want to make coffee for me, I beg you to learn how to use the La Pavoni." As she said this last bit, Maura motioned with a quick gesture with her chin and eyes toward that gleaming, magnificent coffee torture device, the La Pavoni.
"You are such a coffee snob." And Jane bumped her shoulder against Maura's.
Jane paused, mustering some courage, "Maura? Am I going to be ok?"
"What, Jane, you are healing nicely. What? Is the pain getting worse? What are you feeling? Let me see." Maura swallowed hard. "Jane, what is it you're feeling?"
Jane struggled to stop the tears from coming again. The hard-edged Jane never cries. Maura didn't know what to do and looked pleadingly toward Jane, reaching for her hands.
"Maura. Sometimes I can't tell if what I'm remembering is real or not. I think I'm going crazy. I think I might have brain damage. I want to see a doctor, I mean a brain doctor. Something is wrong with me. I feel confused almost all the time. I can't find anything. I can't remember….things"
"What? What can't you remember?" Maura wondered if she'd made a mistake trying to create this environment for her, to have Frankie bring her personal items from her house. It felt so much like lying to Jane. Maura hated the idea of it, but did it because Dr. Swen said it would help. Maura would do anything to help Jane, even pretend that Jane lived at her house and that they were together. Maura did settle into the idea though, a little bit. She did sometimes think of Jane and a life with her together before all this. She didn't know now if she was doing this for Jane or for herself to get a glimpse of what life could be. Maybe she should have had Jane stay at the hospital and not allowed this risky game of pretend. Maura started to question her decision.
Jane was still fighting her tears and Maura walked over to the living room to bring a box of tissue back to the kitchen island and sat back down next to Jane at the bar chairs. Maura handed Jane a tissue and put her hand on Jane's shoulder. "Jane, what can't you remember?"
Jane turned to look at Maura.
"You, Maura. Us. I can't remember us. I can't remember this house and our life in it. I'm losing my mind. All I get are glimpses of faint memories that disappear as soon as I get near them. I'm losing it. God, Maura, what is happening to me?" Jane continued to cry. "I can barely remember making love with you, Maura, my own wife." Maura usually felt unsure of the proper reaction in interpersonal situations but when it came to Jane, her instincts were in control. She stood and wrapped her arms around her and held her while Jane cried it all out.
After Jane had calmed some, Maura walked her back to the living room and sat her down there. Maura needed to make a phone call. "Jane, I know someone with whom you can talk and help figure out what is happening with you. I'll be right back, I need to make some calls. I'll be just a few minutes."
"No, Maura. Don't go." The normally fearless Jane was anything but in that moment. "I don't want to be alone."
"Jane, you aren't alone." Maura's heart broke a little seeing Jane like this. "I'll be just off in the study. I'll be back as soon as I can. Ok? I promise, I'll be right back."
"Ok, Maura, just hurry ok? I need you." Maura's heart felt like it was in a vice. Jane needs her. Her Jane.
Maura grabbed her cell phone and quickly dialed Dr. Swen's number. She answered on the second ring.
"I'd hoped I'd hear from you, Maura. What is the progress report on our patient? How is she recovering?"
"Rachel, she's distraught. Physically her injuries are healing normally, but she is confused and is feeling like she's losing her mind. Her concerns surround her inability to remember our wedding day and the thing that seems to be even more distressing to her is that she can't remember our wedding night or us, here, in this house. This is so crazy, we never even HAD a wedding day and as for 'us', well that never happened either. I really don't know what to do. I am not prepared to handle the complexity of Jane's injuries."
"Maura, this is to be expected. Maybe you should take her out of that environment. If it is confusing her then take her someplace new. I have a friend with a cottage up on Cape Cod, it's on the outer cape, the perfect place to get away. I'll make the arrangements. There is a hospital nearby in Provincetown, just in case. Can you leave tomorrow? I can meet you there in a week. I'll join you briefly before my conference and I can come back to check on you after my three day conference is over. Does that sound agreeable to you?"
Maura hesitated. She was frightened for Jane. Seeing Jane cry like that threw her off balance. Jane was her rock. Losing her solid foundation, Maura was unsure.
"I don't know Rachel, maybe I should take her into a psychiatric hospital."
"Maura, of course you can do that, but the shock and stigma that would cause to Jane is probably more harmful than if you were to take her to a more peaceful, less stressful place. Trust me on this Maura. As long as she isn't behaving as if she might endanger herself or you, this is the better path to take."
"Alright, Rachel. And you said you can be there in a week?"
"Yes, I can get there and meet you, Maura. I will text the address and details later tonight when I've made all the arrangements. Start packing. You may need to be there more than ten days. Winter on the outer cape might be extra cold so be prepared to dress warmly but this time of year is when it is the most peaceful. It is the exact environment you need. Your own little bubble in the universe."
Maura took a breath and let it out. "Rachel, there is something else."
"What is it, Maura? Has Jane started to become frustrated and violent? If she is a danger you should.." Maura cut her off.
"No, that's not it. Rachel, Jane does think we are married and, well, I let her kiss me. I don't know if it is right. I mean, I'm trying to make this situation easier on her but I don't know how far I should let it go. And if we were to go to the cottage, I might find myself.." Maura paused for a short moment. She was almost embarrassed to say, "I might find myself under pressure."
"Oh dear Maura. I remember you always did very well with the ladies. If you can manage to avoid the intimacy, then do try. But Jane is fragile right now. She needs to believe you are there for her. Tell me, Maura, do you have feelings for Jane? Romantic feelings?"
"Rachel, you know I do. I mean, have you seen Jane? I know you haven't, but why else would I let her kiss me and be going through this?"
"I figured as much. As long as you treat Jane with love and respect, she likely won't hold anything against you when her memory returns. She may or may not remember what has happened since she entered this state. But if she does remember and all you've been is loving, supportive and good to her, things should go more smoothly."
"This whole idea feels like I'm taking advantage of Jane in her confused state. Rachel. I love her. I have loved her for years. I have just been too afraid to admit it to her and even to myself. I'm probably not the best person to care for Jane right now. The way I'm feeling, I'm too close, too connected. I'm afraid I'll do something I'll regret, or Jane will regret. I'm not on stable ground here, Rachel."
"Maura, you aren't taking advantage. I can tell by the way you talk about her that you'd never purposely do any harm. If anything, you're the best thing for her right now. When you think about it, Jane must have been fixated on you before this event. You aren't hurting her Maura. Now go pack. I'll make the calls."
"Alright, Rachel. I'll listen for your call later tonight. Goodbye. And thank you."
"Of course, Maura. I'll see you in about a week. Goodbye."
She made one more call, this one to Frankie. She let him know her plan to take Jane away to the coast. He was relieved to learn that Maura had invited a psychiatrist there to meet them, but he was still alarmed at the situation.
After that call, Maura returned to Jane in the living room. Jane had started a movie on the tv and appeared relaxed. Maura sat next to Jane, playing her part as wife to the best of her ability. "Come here, Jane. Lie down over here." Maura reached for Jane and eased her down to rest her head on Maura's lap. Jane nestled in and Maura removed tangles from Jane's hair as they watched the tv. These ever escalating, intimate, relaxed moments kept happening with these two women. And here they were again, getting in deeper and deeper.
After some time there together, Maura's phone buzzed with a text. "sorry to contact you so late. sent address earlier. all is a go. see you in 5 days."
Maura roused a very relaxed Jane, "Jane, sweetie, it's time for bed. Come on." Once Jane had become a bit more alert, Maura moved forward with what she hoped would be an easy conversation and that Jane would not change her mind and argue about seeing a psychiatrist once the concept became a real option. "Jane, about the conversation we had earlier, I have a psychiatrist friend who specializes in the effects of head trauma. Would you be willing to speak with her in the next week or so?"
"I'm sure she's someone who graduated at the top of her class from some muckety-muck school or something if she's your friend." Jane always found ways to tease Maura. "I suppose there is no one more qualified on the earth to see me, huh? I trust you Maura. Yeah. I think it would be a good idea. If anything, I'll settle my mind around what has happened to me. Maybe she can help me clear the fuzzy memories because," Tears began to form in Jane's eyes as she continued, "There is only one thing I need in this world, Maura, and it is you, our life together. I never want to forget a single moment."
Maura's heart clenched again. Jane managed to say the most beautiful things.
This Jane seemed to have much softer edges and was much more agreeable. The personality changes resulting from the trauma were manifesting themselves regularly. Maura wasn't sure how she felt about that. She liked Jane's ways before. She fell in love with that Jane. The street smart, quick witted, instinctively independent and protective, regularly incorrigible and sometimes annoying smart-ass of a woman balanced her. That Jane filled gaps in Maura's strengths. Equal shares, but different pieces. They fit.
"I think that seeing her will be a healthy choice. And, Jane, there is even more. I'd like to get away, just the two of us for awhile. I have an arrangement for a cottage out on Cape Cod, would you be interested in going? We need a new perspective and I would enjoy spending time with just the two of us. Would you go with me on a mini vacation, Jane?"
Jane loved the idea. Jane's body noticeably relaxed at the thought. Mostly she liked the idea of being alone with Maura. She desperately wanted to reconnect. "Oh, yes. Babe, that is exactly what we need. I'm sorry for all my blubbering. I should expect some confusion from such a big hit to the noggin' anyway, shouldn't I? I don't know what came over me. Maura, nothing in my life will ever be bad as long as I have you."
Maura was not so certain. Jane's behavior change had been dramatic and Jane's unfaltering belief that the two of them had been married and had been building a life together was thought-provoking and intriguing as an idea, but for it to be Jane's reality now, Maura couldn't even process. Maura needed Jane to get back on track with the real reality. Maura hoped that the doctor was correct and that this game of pretend is the thing Jane needs. To Maura, this alternate reality had started to become a comfortable place, and that in itself was on Maura's mind. She needed to stop letting herself feel. Maura stood in the bathroom brushing her teeth.
Jane stepped toward Maura as Maura stood in her flannel pajamas with a sonic toothbrush buzzing inside her mouth near the sink. Maura knew Jane was angling for a kiss, but she had a mouthful of toothpaste. She started to giggle when Jane kept coming closer. Maura still had two quadrants of her mouth to clean, brushing ones teeth is a process. Plus, she needed to prevent herself from laughing and making a mess of the toothpaste. Finally, Jane let her reach the sink and finish. They both started laughing and Jane leaned in for her kiss. Maura let it happen. "Mmm, minty." Jane smiled and handed Maura a towel so she could dry her face. Jane's smile was like heaven on earth. Maura's heart swelled. Jane grinned and the two of them went to the guest room.
Nearly every moment with Jane since that kiss had been super-charged somehow. She felt the possibility of what might transpire between them. It made her nervous but it also made her excited for what could be. She admitted to herself that she did enjoy their easy ways as of late. Maura searched her own memories with Jane, was Jane always this romantic? Maura tried to stop her thoughts. That kind of thinking she should hold until after Jane was well.
Once in bed, Jane slid her arm around Maura and pulled much closer than on previous nights. Maura sensed the difference immediately. Jane's hand slid down and across Maura's flannel covered stomach and Jane leaned her face toward Maura's jawline. Maura could feel the energy emanating from Jane. She needed to cool this down. Not yet, not here, she thought. "Jane, I'm glad we talked today. You know we have a lot to do in the morning before our drive and the roads aren't perfect. I need you to get your rest, ok?" She felt Jane's body flex lightly as Jane rested her head back against her own pillow. Jane kept her protective arm around Maura and did not say a word. Maura managed to keep the flannel on for one more night.
Jane needed to be close to Maura. She needed to feel their bodies together. Jane thought that maybe Maura wanted to reconnect while they were away. She could wait one more night.
Both women relived the memory of that kiss in the kitchen that was fresh in their minds. They both drifted to sleep with love and expectation and yearning subtly resonating in the small room.
Notes: Jane's Last Place bowling trophy looks alot like this: awardsmall dot com/Jackass-Award-Traveling-Joke-Trophy_p_
Also, begging forgiveness before requesting you suspend disbelief with the doctor's outlandish advice.