~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ch13, Reality is Only an Illusion
"That IS what I just said, Jane." Maura gave Jane a quick look. She was smiling because Jane was certainly teasing right now. So Maura turned fully toward her to tease right back, "You mean to tell me you are not certain after," Maura paused trying to think of how to describe the event in her mind, "After what you and I just experienced together?" Maura was incredulous and anticipating Jane's funny retort.
But it never came.
"Maura, I don't," Jane tried to take a breath, "I don't feel right." Jane was having trouble breathing deeply.
Maura heard the breathlessness and frailty in Jane's voice projection and became alarmed. She needed to get to the bottom of it. "Is it your rib?" Maura was sitting up in the bed facing Jane with her hand on Jane's shoulder. "Jane, what are you feeling?"
"Maura, I don't know, I, something is wrong." She formed fists with her hands and moved them to her forehead pressing her fists on her head. Jane felt so confused. Thoughts were jumbling in her head. Her eyes were pinched shut. She was wincing.
Alarmed, "Jane, are you in pain?"
"No, I mean yes, but that's normal. The pain isn't worse." Jane strained to sit up in the bed and Maura put her hand on Jane's back so she could help lift her to sit up more easily.
"Jane? What can I do? Where does it hurt?" Maura was growing more concerned.
Jane was sitting up, the white down duvet up just enough to cover her bare breasts. Maura propped up pillows behind Jane so she could be more comfortable sitting up and leaning on the pillows. Maura went to find her robe that was hanging the hook on the inside of the bathroom door and put in on. When she came back to the room, she had a glass of water and Jane's pain medicine in her hand. Jane's eyes were closed, her brows furrowed, one clenched fist against her left brow bone. Maura thought Jane must be in a great deal of pain. She played back the moments earlier and nothing she'd done should have caused Jane a bout of pain. Maybe the deep breathing would aggravate the rib a bit, but not enough for Jane to be apparently hurting this much.
Maura rushed to put the glass down on the nightstand and sat on the bed next to Jane. She reached for Jane's fist and gently pulled it into her hands. Jane opened her eyes. "Jane, Please, what is it?"
Jane blinked and a single tear rolled down. Jane couldn't make any sense of what was going on in her head. Nothing made any sense and she was beginning to have an anxiety attack. She felt as if she was suffocating, couldn't breathe, everything was moving. She needed to close her eyes. Something.
Hearing the blood rush in her ears, the sound of her heartbeat mixing with all the thoughts swirling around in her head was akin to a cacophony. Feeling Maura take hold of her closed fist, she screwed her eyes shut in the hope that darkness would dull her senses. It didn't help as she felt her breathing become ragged and she couldn't catch her breath. She could feel Maura's presence right next to her, and it was a mixture of soothing and panicking. She wanted to focus on Maura, on the feel of her hands on her, calming her. When she did though, it almost felt like her skin was crawling. She was afraid. She found herself pulling away to center herself. She tried to inhale deeply but shallow breaths were all she could manage and the lack of oxygen was making her head spin.
She was gasping now and she needed to look at Maura. She could hear Maura's voice in the distance, the panic in it was palpable. Holding a breath that felt like it wanted to rip itself from her lungs, Jane sat for a long moment and she focused not on the voices in her head, but on simply opening her eyes. Exhaling slowly she achieved her goal but before her she found Maura, looking at her with terror stricken features and tears bubbling over her eyes. Nothing was making sense, but seeing Maura so upset caused Jane to gasp then bite roughly on her bottom lip. She immediately felt the pull to have contact with her wife again. To soothe her, if only her brain could catch up. She reached for her hand again. Something felt coiled inside her, like something was blocking her ability to see clearly and rationalize and it was about to spring loose.
"Sweetie, please. Please, what is happening?" Maura tried to lock eyes with Jane. Maura had begun to wipe away her own tears forming in her eyes. "Jane?"
"Shh, Maur," Jane reached her other hand to Maura's back. Jane forced her breathing to settle. Jane tried with all her power to will herself to be calm. The only thing she could reason that would soothe her was Maura. She wanted Maura by her side. "Will you come back into the bed with me?" Jane's eyes went back to Maura's. "Just lay here with me, please?" Jane gave a little pull with the hand Maura was holding and motioned with her head for Maura to go on her other side. "I don't want to talk. I don't want to think. I just want to be near you. Is that ok, Maura? Please?"
Maura stood and gave a hesitant, slightly confused look. "Okay. Of course. Would you like to take your pain medicine first?"
"Oh." Jane gave a breathy huff of air. "Yeah, I guess that would be a good idea too. Thanks Maur." She took two pills and swallowed with the offered glass she shakily took from Maura's hands. She smiled toward Maura and handed the glass back to her.
Jane was feeling incredibly confused. Flashes of memories kept coming in rapid succession. She was alarmed that nothing she knew was real. "Please, Maura. Please come be next to me." Jane's fear was overpowering her, she needed Maura next to her.
Maura put the glass back on the stand and went to turn off the light again then slid back into the bed. She kept the robe on and slipped all the way over toward Jane. Jane had all the pillows so Maura rested her head against Jane's shoulder as Jane wrapped her arm around. Moonbeams still lit the room, but barely. It was quiet except for their breathing. Maura listened closely to see what she could tell from Jane's breathing but when she rested her head more firmly against Jane's shoulder and chest, she could hear Jane's rapid heartbeat. It was too fast. Maura knew Jane must have been feeling incredible anxiety and in that moment realized that Jane must be remembering.
She wanted to talk to Jane, to know what was happening, but didn't want to stress Jane any further than she apparently already was. Maura could feel Jane's heart beating quicker than normal, with force, throughout the length of her body. Something was definitely happening. Maura's mind kept thinking about Jane and considered if maybe some memories were returning and what repercussions would result. More than anything, Maura wanted to find out how Jane was feeling.
She wanted to ask. She was afraid.
Suddenly, the doubts about her decision to let things happen between them were back. It wasn't like Maura to have so much doubt. Typically, she made a decision and that was it. This was so very different. Every move going forward needed to be considered and deliberate until Jane was ready to tell her what was happening.
She rested her head against Jane's bare skin, but neither woman slept yet.
Jane's right arm was wrapped around Maura's warm body, her fingers traced lazy circles along the bottom edge of Maura's silk robe, dipping across smooth skin of Maura's upper hip and back onto silk. Over and over, the movement was soothing to both women. Jane's heart was still pounding. She was trying to force herself to calm down. Maura hummed at the feel of the soft caresses. The sound of Maura's voice gave Jane strength to speak.
"Maur?" Jane whispered, coercing herself to sound calm.
"Yes? Jane?" Maura whispered back.
"Maura, I, can't think. My head. Everything is so confused and mixed up." Jane glided her hand up to touch the ends of Maura's hair, gently tugging at the ends and wrapping the soft curls around her fingertips. "I'm scared, Maura."
Maura dared not move. Still in a hushed voice, "Jane, can you tell me what's confusing you?" Maura relocated her right hand up, under the covers, to Jane's abdomen and rested it there. She needed to be touching Jane, as much as possible.
Both women were feeling vulnerable.
Jane continued to play with the ends of Maura's hair and spoke, "I keep getting flashes in my head. I can't remember our wedding. You know this. I've been struggling to remember things and they are just gone. I don't understand. I'm so confused." She pressed her hand down toward Maura's waist and held her close. Jane needed Maura to know. Jane's tears were building in her eyes.
"Tonight. Tonight, Maur. When you touched me. I wanted you so much. I mean, I do. All the time. I want you all the time. I can't help it. You are irresistible." Jane tried to force out a smile, just to calm Maura. "But, tonight, when you touched me, it was so, I don't know," Jane breathed in then out again, "overwhelming. It just sent me to another place."
Jane moved her hand lower, back to Maura's upper hip and started tracing the circles again. Her voice nearly breaking, "I don't remember. I don't remember you touching me that way before. I can't remember, Something feels off. It makes me feel lost, like part of my life is gone." She did the breathing thing again, "It really makes me feel sad." Tears rolled from her eyes and she reached her left hand to wipe them away.
Maura slid her hand further across to the opposite side of Jane's stomach and held her. She hurt so much for Jane. She'd give anything to cause all of Jane's pain to disappear. But what could she do?
Jane spoke, "Maura, marry me again." She startled herself that she was able to voice her request. She ceased her movements and twisted toward Maura to look in her eyes in the faint moonlight. "Maura, I need to have that memory. I don't have it and I might never get it back. I need it. I need you. You are the only thing that makes sense to me."
Maura fluttered her eyelids and moved her mouth to speak but no words emerged. She took a breath and tried again. Nothing. She raised her body so she was up above Jane looking down, leaning on her extended left arm. She could see the tears shining in Jane's eyes. Finally, she spoke with all the honesty in her heart, "Jane, I would love to marry you, but we should talk about this in the morning. Can we wait til morning?"
Maura needed time to think. She would love to marry Jane, but not until everything was out in the open. She wanted Jane to be aware of the situation. She decided that in the morning she would talk seriously and honestly about her head injury and the fallout from the dissociative amnesia and all it has done to affect Jane's perception of reality. She could not enter into such an agreement to marry Jane without Jane being of 'sound mind'. She refused to put either of them in that position.
Then fear struck.
Jane could very well be highly upset that Maura wasn't completely honest from the start. Maura found it hard to breathe herself. Suddenly nothing was settled. Even after the beautiful, no, more than that, breathtakingly beautiful, intimate moments tonight. Even after allowing all that has happened in these weeks. It had been about a week since that kiss in the kitchen, at the time she tried to fight it but it was impossible, just the thought of Jane prying her hands from the edge of that counter, she could feel it all again and it brought a heated rush through her body. Jane was everything. Especially now. And she couldn't lose that. Not now. Not ever.
She clung a bit tighter to Jane. Maura repeated her earlier question, "Jane, let's talk about this in the morning. Ok?"
"Yes, of course, Maura, we can talk in the morning too, I just need to let you know what I've been feeling and how scared I've been. How scared I am now. I keep remembering things that don't make sense. I think I'm losing it."
"I'm here Jane. I'm here with you and I'm not going anywhere."
They both fell quiet. Both thinking.
Jane hadn't stopped thinking since the overwhelming feelings she'd felt when Maura touched her and made love to her, touching her body with more passion and feeling than she'd ever experienced. Something clicked. Something changed. She couldn't put her finger on it, but she needed to figure it out. She started to question what she thought about what her life was like before she was struck by her assailant. She remembered the night before the incident, staying at Maura's. At Maura's house, not her own. She remembered the Frangelico. Drinking too much. Wanting to stay. Why? Why? Why would she want to stay if that was where she lived? Little by little, pieces were falling into place.
Her head began to hurt and she couldn't sort anything. All she knew for certain was that she was so completely in love with the woman next to her that she couldn't ever lose her. But if she was losing her mind, she would have no choice.
Slowly the pain medicine pulled her reluctantly to sleep.
Maura thoughtfully waited until Jane was asleep then quietly slipped out of the bed and went to brush her teeth and complete her evening routine of washing and moisturizing. She was aware that everything might change in the morning. She was brave but she wanted to feel this last night of being close to Jane. Jane could very well choose to not continue after she learned the truth of it all. She quietly assumed her place in the moonlit bed with Jane. Closer this time, she rested her head again against Jane's chest. She felt the warmth from Jane's body. Tears started to form in her eyes. She struggled to make them stop but it was a futile fight. Slowly she started to sob. She was already feeling the loss and it hadn't even happened yet. Maura did not have a good night at all.
Finally falling asleep with Jane, both women silently clung to each other in their sleep.
Note1: This chapter is more of a collaborative work. Inappropriate-sugartits took the time to help craft a few paragraphs within pertaining to Jane's experience with the panic attack. I never could have written that experience with as much power nor could I have evoked as much emotion as she. Thank you dear one.
Note2: This was a very short chapter. By all rights, it should have been tacked on at the end of the previous chapter, but I wanted anyone reading to enjoy that feeling from chapter 12 for a few days. Now, things are about to change. Which direction? I won't tell...til the next post, LOL. I appreciate the feedback. I also appreciate the give and take we've shared over this story. I'm meeting people, virtually, anyway and I love it. To the reviewer who said you might like to see a paragraph from chapter 12 wedged inside a technical document...I'd like to have a conversation with YOU. Alright. I intend to post the next chapter by the end of the weekend. Thank you again for reading, commenting and visiting my imaginarium.