"That's what I'm saying!" a rather annoying British accent giggled in the direction of wherever the fuck wasn't near Kanda. More laughter came from a female host in a similar direction. The sounds of sizzling and flipping could also be heard, as well as the scent of coffee - something Kanda detested.
"Oh, but did you see Krory's face?" the female voice exclaimed in a girlish squeal that made Kanda's stomach lurch. It was way too early for this shit, whatever time it was.
Kanda rolled over and groaned, covering his eyes with his arm. He had to ask someone for their cell phone or if they could break in to his room or something, which was something he really, really didn't feel like doing. Choosing to deny his situation all together, he rolled on to his stomach and covered his head with the pillow. Fucking Christ.
Oh great, now what? There was a commotion in the kitchen since Kanda heard the female voice shout, "Allen no!" Then it occurred to him that the fire alarm was blaring. Really? Fucking fantastic here we go. He threw the pillow off and sat up, pulling his hand down his face in exasperation. He let go a sigh as the burning smell entered the room. Calmly, he reached under the bed for his glasses. He put them on. Then, without a second thought, he rushed in to the kitchen, turned on the tap, grabbed the pan off the stove, — which was still on fire with whatever the fuck was in it — and, "For fucks sake people are trying to get some goddamn sleep."
However, his efforts managed to make everything about one hundred times worse since he obviously failed to notice that there was more fire now.
"You fucking moron!" the British one screamed as he tried to open the cabinet underneath the now flaming sink. The girl ran out of the kitchen.
Honestly, Kanda was more surprised he didn't light himself on fire than anything. "Well, how the fuck was I supposed to know it was a grease fire?! It's all your fault anyway! If you hadn't woken me up-"
During the time it took Kanda to blame the British kid (who had oddly white hair), the fire had successfully been extinguished. "My fault? For what? Are you seriously mental? Just who the hell are you?" He turned round to face Kanda, extinguisher still in hand.
"I told you, bean sprout, if you didn't wake me up and burn your shitty food," Kanda had the white-haired kid by the collar, ready to throw him out of the window.
"Hey, whoa, what the fuck happened?" coughed a now — unfortunately — familiar voice. Lavi's jaw was slacked in utter disbelief that part of his kitchen had been scorched and that two idiots were now arguing about it.
Two hands pulled Kanda and the bean sprout apart by their necks. "You two. Out. Now," the female commanded, pointing towards the living room. She shook her head in exasperation, and opened the kitchen windows. Lavi walked between the group towards the sink, muttering something about a panda and his own death. The other three watched as he caressed the wall and ranted under his breath about how he totally wanted to get his security deposit back, but that seriously wasn't going to happen now. Then there was silence; a feeling of murderous intent radiated from him.
"Out!" The girl commanded once more, this time shoving the boys in to the living room.
"Fuck!" A decently loud thud came from the kitchen, followed by, "God dammit."
Kanda crossed his arms and adamantly stared at the corner of the room, almost praying to get the fuck away from these psychos. This just had to be his one-day off. Was it really too much to ask for a quiet day off? Really? The bleating of the fire alarm wasn't helping much, either.
"Lavi…?" The female voice asked. Kanda was determined to ignore everyone, but they were just so damn loud.
"…Yeah…?" Came a response from the kitchen.
"Did you just…."
"…Maybe…" There was shuffling in the kitchen followed by more swearing. Suddenly, the alarm was muted.
"Oh boy…" The female placed her hands on her hips and shook her head yet again. She shifted her gaze to see a quizzical look from the white-haired boy. "He punched a hole through the wall again."
"Again?" both Kanda and the British one asked in unison. Instantly perturbed by this, Kanda looked back towards the corner and the Brit looked in the opposite direction.
"So…" said that unfortunately familiar voice, "why the actual fuck is my wall charred?"
This is so not my fault. I swear if that damn moyashi didn't set off the-
"He did it," accused the Brit.
Almost giving himself whiplash, Kanda faced the group, seething. "No! You lit your fucking food on fire and woke me up!"
"Oh, poor you. You threw the pan in water!" The Brit was flailing his arms about like a damn fish. Something about this kid was seriously irritating to Kanda and he couldn't really figure out what it was. Probably the fact he fucking woke me up…and why the fuck is he wearing gloves? Who does that?
"You failed to fix your own damn mistake fast enough!" Kanda barely noticed that he and the white-haired boy were stepping towards each other with each remark.
"You ruined perfectly edible food by torching the damn kitchen!" Perfectly ed- What drugs is this kid on? Kanda could smell the hangover-breath as the kid shouted at him.
"That never would have happened if you weren't a goddamn moyashi!" It was rare that Kanda ever spoke Japanese, however, his multilingual capabilities shined when he was furious.
"That doesn't even make sense!" The boy threw his arms up in exasperation.
"Stop," shouted the female voice, "not today! I'm hung-over, the kitchen was just on fire, and Lavi punched a hole in a wall due to a mental breakdown. Just…" she sighed, "explain what the fuck happened."
Both Kanda and the Brit started with something along the lines of, "Well, it weren't for this fucking moron," but Lavi cut them both off at the start and demanded that it was one at a time. The Brit got to go first on account that Lavi knew him longer.
Due to the maturity of the group gathered that morning, the white-haired boy stuck his tongue out at the Japanese man before beginning his excuse. "Well first, I was minding my own business-"
"Bullshit," Kanda "coughed" rather loudly.
"I was,"moaned the Brit, rather pitifully Kanda thought. Yeah, and what happened when you were minding your own business? Obviously nothing productive.
"Well, I was just sautéing my hash and scrapple when all of the sudden this schmuck grabbed my pan," he faced Kanda who give him a scowl in return, "and threw it in to water, which exploded all over your kitchen."
"I take exception to this!" Kanda yelled out. "His pan was on fucking fire, and I threw it in to water to kill the flame." Honestly this was such bullshit Kanda wanted to walk out, yet he found himself trying to defend his actions. It's not like he really cared at all, right?
"Yeah? And what 'happened to the flame,'" asked that oh-so-obnoxious moyashi.
"Okay, so it exploded, but that's all your fault for fucking burning your goddamn food!" He wasn't even entirely sure why he had to go through this trial by fire, but he sure wasn't as hell going to stay any longer. "You know what? Whatever. I'm out," he turned swiftly and made his way towards the exit. Though, it dawned on him two decent strides towards the door that he was basically stuck in this apartment until he could get in to his own.
"Oh yeah," the female voice asked, "Who is this guy?"
The unfortunately familiar voiced answered with a sigh, "My neighbour. He got locked out and asked to stay the night."
Due to the fact he literally couldn't go anywhere but the hallway, Kanda stopped after two more steps and braced himself for more social interaction. Fuck all of you very much.
"Since both of your stupidity fucked up my kitchen, both of you are going to pay for it. However, Kanda get's most of the blame and he's closer so he gets to help me re-paint the wall," Lavi demanded.
"Go fuck yourself," Kanda spat, "deal with your own shit." If only he had a way to get in to his apartment. Well, he could go to the other neighbours…
Before he could make a move towards the door, "That's cute, and I'm sure you're thinking of ways to leave, but you're not going to until you at least agree to pay for the damages along with Allen."
The white-haired boy, Alphonse, sighed and submitted to the demand. Kanda, however, was not the type to take demands from others (unless being paid for his services), so he continued his journey towards the exit. Once more, though, his wrist was grabbed.
"I'm not fucking around," Lavi's good hand gripped tighter. Kanda turned to face the animosity-filled man with little-to-no-seriousness. "It's your fault, so take fucking responsibility for your damn mistakes. What are you, three? My hand is probably broken so I literally will need help with this."
Fucking… He ripped his wrist from Lavi's clutches. Without another choice in the matter, Kanda conceded. With this, the redhead left the room. Kanda felt as if all eyes were on him — they were — but the feeling was worse than any other embarrassment he'd felt before. This fucking sucks and I'd seriously love to blow this popsicle stand.
Suddenly a cell phone was in Kanda's hands and he was told to call whomever and get the fuck out and leave before he and "Allen" died. He sneered in response, dialled 4-1-1, and asked for whatever locksmith was local. Once he had secured someone, he threw the phone at Lavi who was cradling his still-bleeding hand in a towel. Kanda then promptly left the premises, not wanting to spend another infernal minute with this bunch of fucking freaks.
Obviously this was not how Kanda wanted to spend his morning. It was hot for October and the hallway wasn't getting any colder. That little piss-ant on the phone said he'd be there in fifteen to twenty minutes, and it had already been about fifteen; Kanda was getting ready to lob off his left nut. How long is this fucker going to take?
He had been waiting outside his flat for what seemed like an eternity when – finally – the jingling of keys ascended the stairs. Kanda turned his head to see a curly haired man in his early 30s grinning from ear to ear. Why the fuck is he so happy? Who the fuck is happy this early in the day? He could only assume that this was the locksmith considering the toolkit and the nametag with a company logo.
"Hi, you m-" the man started, holding out his free hand.
"No, you cannot fucking drive!" shouted a different familiar voice from the opposite flat. Fucking perfection. The girl from earlier was now fully clothed and waving a pair of keys in the air. The white-haired weirdo followed, and lastly the unfortunately familiar one locked the door behind him.
"Johnny?!" the three screeched in unison. Oh fucking wonderful. They know this loser? Great; even better.
"Oh, hey guys!" This Jimmy person put down his toolkit and began to converse with the others.
Meanwhile, Kanda was slamming the back of his head on to his door. It was going to be an excruciatingly long day. How was he supposed to combat this arduous trial? Practicing kendo? Maybe, but that required driving a distance and if there was even the slightest chance he might pass this bunch of rejects, he would rather not. Sleeping? Probably, but he was too annoyed to even contemplate the idea of rest, which was unfortunate. Oh, I kn-
"-but I'll tell Tap you said 'hi,'" responded Jerry. "Oh, what happened to your hand?"
"Your client," Lavi sneered, pointing towards Kanda.
Kanda's response was the middle finger and a glare. "It was your own fucking dumb ass that punched your shitty fucking wall, asshole," he grumbled. Fucking blaming me for his own dumb ass.
Lavi gave Kanda a tight smile and returned to his conversation with Jeremy. "Well, I'm off to the ER, so I'll text you some time." He waved, then turned and walked away. The girl gave Joey a hug and ran off towards Lavi, yelling about how he really isn't going to drive and she wasn't kidding. Finally, the British one followed suit.
"Excuse me?" Kanda spat. "Unlock my fucking door; I'm not paying you to see your damn friends, asshat." He motioned to his still-locked door.
"Oh, uh," the locksmith laughed nervously, "sorry." He reached in to his back pocket and pulled out a credit card, of all things.
"Fucking better be or your next job description is 'battering ram,' got it?" Kanda moved aside so that Jeremiah could do whatever it was he was going to do.
The scrawny man coughed and nodded, sliding the card in to the doorjamb. He fiddled with the knob and pushed the door open, proudly smiling and showing off his handiwork.
"You have got to be fucking shitting me right now," Kanda gaped. "I could have fucking done that this whole fucking time?!" He was too shocked to even punch this asshole in the face. The worst part was that he was now obligated to pay the little shit for using a damn credit card to unlock his door.
"You live in an older building and the deadbolt wasn't locked… newer models aren't as simple, but-"
Before the man could finish his piece, Kanda rushed in to his flat. He sped towards the kitchen, grabbed his wallet and went back to the front door. "Fucking here," he said and threw the cash amount at the locksmith and slammed his door.
A/N: Thank you to those who commented, followed, and favourited!
And thank you for taking time out of your lives to read this :)
P.S. Sorry for the delay orz