~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Chapter 17, The Pall
Jane woke first that next morning. Her night on the couch wasn't too terrible.
She squinted her eyes. The emerging light outside the living room window pulled Jane's vision toward the sea. The early sky was gray and gloomy and matched the incoming tide that pummeled the edge of the sand.
Watching the rolling waves carry on their relentless pace in the monochromatic, silvery winter morning light, ideas started coming to Jane's mind like the surf that never stopped. She felt agony and fear, awkwardness and doubt, frustration and rage. Lost in the ebb and flow, she let her thoughts roam. How did she get to this place where she and Maura had become lovers? Were they lovers? Was Maura was just going along to pretend Jane's world was as she desperately hoped it could be? Were the past few days filled with false magic?
If this were true, Jane knew she would never have that which she most wanted, to love and to be loved in return by the only woman who ever made her want to feel everything the world has to offer. If Maura could do this as simply a meaningless prescription from a heartless psychiatrist, what did Jane really have? Had she been wrong about Maura? Has all of this ruined any hope she could ever live out her dreams? And how, through all this, did she still feel love?
"Maura." Jane's hushed whisper was barely audible.
The impossibility of desperate imaginings lingered in her consciousness as she stared, entranced with the repeating onslaught of the creeping waves on the beach. She took in a deep breath to clear her mind. Midway, she dipped her head and reached for her rib, the painful reminder of the catalyst to the ruination of her life. Clenching her teeth, Jane's face took on a ferocious form. She needed to fight. Jane exhaled, stood and walked closer to the view to the water. In the history of this earth, the waves never stop. The world keeps moving. Life keeps moving. She must keep moving.
If she understood only one thing, if Jane wanted to figure out her life, she couldn't stop.
Gradually, she stretched her muscles. Jane yawned. As much as she'd struggled to piece things together the day before, nothing was resolved. For starters, Jane was still fuzzy on facts and what events reflected reality. She felt the answer would be found when the doctor arrived. The importance of that meeting was not hidden. She needed to be ready for the doctor and to have all her questions organized. She felt a new awareness. It wasn't that she was no longer confused or angry with what she saw as Maura toying with her. She was still angry and confused and lost as ever in that respect, but Jane knew she had a battle to fight to get her memories in order. She felt like her entire future rested on what answers she could find to fix her mind. Her only bet was on Maura's friend, the mystery doctor, who was due to arrive soon.
A touch of fear and dread began to wrap around her heart and squeeze. She was concerned about what she might learn about herself from that doctor. Part of her wanted out of that cottage and away from everything. Her instinct pushed her to to run, but she knew she was held prisoner, in a way, with no car. She had no choice, really. She had to face her condition. Jane walked to the kitchen to prepare coffee then rifled through some drawers until she found a notepad and a pen. She went to that cottage to meet with this doctor, so she was darned well gonna be ready. "This world renowned psychobio-whatever-head-injury-fixer better be everything she's supposed to be." Jane thought nothing of speaking to an empty room. She'd only wished the 'head-fixer' would have been there the day before for her big blow up and crisis. She needed someone to lead her through her own thoughts and memories.
Jane settled back in at her spot on the couch, using her morning coffee as an elixir, she began writing disjointed notes on the paper she put on the table beside her.
Back in the tiny cottage bedroom, Maura woke to her phone buzzing. She reached clumsily to lift the phone to her eyes. There were several texts. One from Frankie and from Rachel.
Frankie wanted a status, "Hi, Maura. How is Jane? How are you? I'm ready to drive up as soon as you ask. Please, just let me know how Jane is doing, ok?"
Maura quickly sent a note. "Jane knows we aren't married. She's not happy. Trying to get Dr. Swen to come sooner. Will tell you more as I know."
Then she opened a message from Rachel. "I rearranged my entire schedule. I will be there in the morning for a few hours and then see if I can get back to you for the next day for a few hours. Hold on, Maura. We will help Jane to deal."
Maura drew in an anxious breath, grateful that Rachel could come for even a short time today. Dealing with Jane's anger and frustration and obvious pain and confusion over what had happened with her memory was more than Maura wanted to bear alone. Quickly texting Frankie again, "My doctor friend will be here today, Frankie. No need yet to make that drive. Talk soon."
"Good, I'm ready whenever you need me." Frankie responded quickly.
Her phone buzzed again. Maura opened a second text from the doctor. "On my way this morning but I have to leave at one. But don't worry, I'll be back, Once my conference is over on Saturday night, I'll be over as soon as I can to spend as much time as you need. Maura, I need you to let me know you got this message."
Maura texted back. "Yes. We're here. Thank you. See you soon."
Maura reached to her left shoulder with her right hand to work out some muscle discomfort she believed was from feeling such stress. She felt like she'd been hit with a truck with all the emotional pressure she'd been feeling. Grateful that her friend would be there to spend a few hours talking with Jane, she was not very happy that Rachel had to leave after a short time and not return for another 24 hours. Maura wasn't sure how to handle Jane alone for another night.
Maura's head still hurt and she was exceedingly worried about Jane and more than concerned that she'd gone too far. "Who does that? Sleeps with their best friend, when she's lost her memory?" Maura could easily see now just how wrong she'd been to allow anything physical between them. "What was I thinking?" Maura felt ashamed. She wondered why Rachel was so adamant she let that happen. She stood to go to check on Jane. Maura was wrapped in her robe. Puffy, sleepy eyes and messy blonde hair revealed the night's suffering as she approached the living room. She saw Jane sitting up, drinking from a cup and writing in a notebook. To Maura, it seemed like Jane was faring better than she was.
Jane heard Maura's footsteps from behind. If she was going to be stuck with Maura in this cottage while she figured things out, she knew to try to be civil despite her still seething anger and confusion. "Maura, there is coffee on the counter." Jane did not turn around.
Maura's face formed an expression of surprise that Jane sounded almost pleasant. She turned to see a jar of instant coffee sitting on the island. Under her breath, "Instant? You're drinking instant?" Then louder, "Jane, would you like me to brew some proper coffee for you?"
"No, thanks. I'm fine with what I have." and the sourpuss was back. Jane didn't really want to start the day in a bad mood and make Maura feel worse. "I like instant." She turned her body slightly to face Maura in the kitchen as she sat on the couch, "How are you this morning?"
Maura welcomed the chance to talk to Jane, she ached to have a real conversation, but knew better, "Oh Jane, I barely slept, I feel like I've gone through the wringer on the dishwasher."
Jane's face immediately flashed confusion before a tiny smile began to crack through her sullen features that had frozen her expression the past 24 hours. "That's a good way to solve the dirty dishes problem. But, I'm not sure the dishwasher with the wringer would sell well." Jane turned further toward Maura, "Unless someone invented rubber dishes to go with it." Jane finally looked at Maura to see the evidence of the bout of crying from the night prior. Jane's smile vanished. Maura was hurting. Never a good thing in Jane's mind.
Maura gently furrowed her brow with a slight head tilt. After a pause, she knew she didn't say that right, "Yes, Jane, I imagine you are correct." Maura softly smiled at Jane. "Why do I never get those things right?" Jane adored Maura's rare frailty. Their eyes connected while they both meekly grinned. They both felt a momentary sliver of hope.
Jane dropped her eyes. It was hard to forgive. Forcing the words, she wanted to be sincere, but so much confusion frustrated her. "I'm sorry you didn't sleep well, Maura." She could barely look at Maura. Everything felt wrong.
"That obvious, am I?" Maura pulled her robe tighter around her body. Maura felt nervous, as if she was being examined.
"Maura, I…" Jane wanted to apologize for yesterday's vicious reaction. In her heart, she felt love for Maura, but she just could bring herself to relinquish her anger, so she didn't. "Nevermind."
"Jane, please." Maura pleaded.
Both women were struggling. Jane turned away from Maura. It was difficult for both of them to verbalize what they wanted to say; to apologize to one another. Maura couldn't bring herself to broach that conversation and possibly suggest to Jane's fragile psyche that she hadn't meant all that had transpired between them over the past few days, because she did mean it, all of it. Unable to commit the words to the emotion, Maura instead offered Jane the news about the doctor.
"Jane, Rachel," Maura thought to preserve Rachel's authority, "Dr. Swen texted that she will be here this morning. She said she can stay today only a few hours and needs to leave at one o'clock but she said she can come back again Saturday after her conference."
Jane's tone was still biting, she tried to fight it, "Great! About time, I could use her help." Jane's well-worn defenses were faltering, but still valiant. She didn't want Maura to see her weaknesses. Unemotionally, "How soon?" Jane was aware that her anger was building with every moment. It felt irrational. It was beyond her control. She just couldn't understand how Maura could ruin her, them, this way.
"Within an hour or two, based on what she said last." Maura reached for her ring and began to twirl the shiny circle around her finger. Neither woman knew what would come of the discussions with Doctor Swen. Maura wanted Jane to be healed. Jane wanted answers, the sooner, the better.
Jane turned back to her notebook and continued writing. Maura made the coffee.
Jane wanted to get all the words down before she got confused again and before the doctor arrived. Every question she committed to that notebook raised more questions. Suddenly, Jane couldn't seem to write fast enough. So much doubt and humiliation oozing from every word she wrote, she started to press down too hard on the paper and the pen broke through to the next page.
Maura finished making the coffee and started to walk back toward the bedroom, not wanting to distract Jane from her task. Jane seemed intense. Before Maura could leave the room, Jane frustratedly ripped a page from the notebook and started blurting out questions. "Why? Why Maura, Why did you do this? Do you actually love me, Maura, or were you just following orders? Why did you let me touch you? Pity?" Jane was up and facing Maura from the distance between the living room and the kitchen. She couldn't help herself from exploding and sliced even deeper with her words. Her voice broke, "Or was it just a game of doctor?" Jane's most cruel ability to destroy with words was cutting Maura. Tears poured from Jane's eyes. Maura could only stand frozen, unable to respond to the barrage.
Jane was up and gesticulating while she paced in the small living room. Maura was held in her spot in the kitchen not knowing how to even begin.
Becoming even more agitated that Maura hadn't verbalized a response, Jane practically screamed, "Just go, Maura, I'll just have to figure this out on my own when the doctor gets here."
Jane stewed on her own words while she waited. She didn't ever want to hurt Maura, but here she was, destroying the love of her life.
Stunned, Maura edged herself out of that space. Once she made it past the threshold to the bedroom, she closed the door and collapsed on the floor. She fought to keep her cries subdued. Maura had been crushed into tiny pieces. She hid out in the bedroom waiting for the doctor.
An hour of silence in that house had passed and finally, there was a knock at the door.
Whew! ok, so I understand many of you hate me about now. I'm not gonna apologize, it's always darkest before the dawn, right? Gotta make 'em feel all the pain so if/when they do find a way past this, it will be all the sweeter.
So Finally, we will get to meet this doctor, I mean, what the heck is with her, right?
I am promising a bright light will come.