The Reluctant Heichou Chronicles: PORT-A-POTTY

+Modern AU+

This was actually inspired by my reaction to my friend telling me that they only had Port-a-Potties at the campground we spent the weekend at (Pennsic, if anybody knows it... It's in Pennsylvania) and me kinda freaking out and going, "Ewww, no, please tell me you don't have JUST Port-a-Potties..." And her going, "Oh, come on..." Well, they were pretty clean... For a plastic box of doom with a cesspool of shit and piss under it... 'Scuse my French. Well, have fun reading!

Levi was gasping for air. He was laughing so hard he couldn't even breathe. "Brat, you're shitting me... Right? You can't actually expect me to fucking use this, right?"

Eren frowned. "Levi, why would I be kidding...? We're camping. You're lucky they even have Port-a-Potties. Usually campsites don't even have Port-a-Potties; you piss in the bushes and you like it."

Levi made a face. "Piss in that thing or piss in the bushes? You shitty brat, why did I let you talk me into this fucking camping trip?"

Eren grimaced. "You said you wouldn't go obsessive-compulsive-germophobe-clean this time..."

Levi harrumphed and stomped away from the repulsive blue plastic box. Sitting himself down on a 'clean enough' tree stump, Levi crossed his legs and pouted. He refused to use a disgusting plastic piss-pot, and he refused to piss in the bushes like an animal. 'Either way,' he figured, 'I'm fucked over.' He turned toward Eren, who was busy setting up the tent. He stomped over to him. "Give me the keys, brat."

Eren looked up. "Why?"

"Because I told you to, brat."

"Yes, but why do you need them?"

Levi hoped Eren wouldn't ask him that. There was no way that Eren wouldn't object to the shorter man taking his car to the nearest civilized town, just to find a restaurant to take a piss in. Eren didn't make much money, and Levi knew it.

"Nevermind, you fucking brat."

Eren looked away, puzzled. "You wanted to borrow my car to go to town, didn't-"

Levi's glare silenced the younger boy immediately.

Levi awoke with a start. "Fuck, what time is it?" He mumbled to himself, not wanting to wake the sleeping Eren next to him. He checked his (thankfully) glow-in-the-dark camping watch he had bought two days before: 1:24 AM. Levi glared at the insolent piece of jewelry on his wrist. How dare it wake him up so early? He snarled inwardly. Then it occurred to him; the fucking icing on the cake. After drinking at least three bottles of water during the day, he had to pee. Badly. Especially after not using a Port-a-Potty. All day. "Great. Fucking wonderful."

Levi approached the plastic toilet. The thing loomed over him, almost seeming to be at the apex of a leap, ready to attack him. He picked up a nearby stick.

Poke. Poke, poke.

Well, the stick didn't melt on contact. Levi opened the door, flinching away almost immediately at the stench. He wasn't surprised it stank, it was, quite literally, a cesspool of human filth. He grimaced, held his breath, and entered the box of doom.

Levi strode back to the tent as quickly as he could. He unzipped the door and began to rummage around in his suitcase, making a mental note to wash it upon his arrival back home. He found his toiletry bag, and stood up, making his way to the door.

"Levi...? Is that you...?"

Levi face-palmed. "It's me, Eren, go back to bed."

"What... What are you doing up?"

Levi sighed. "If you really must know, I'm going to take a shower."

Eren rolled over. "Fine... Don't trip on a rock, ok?"

Levi fidgeted, almost feeling the germs crawling on him. "I can assure you that I will not. I'll be back soon." With that, he left the tent.

Head buried in his pillow, Eren grinned. Baby steps. It would take baby steps to get Levi over his fear of germs enough to use an outhouse like a regular person, but at least it was a step in the right direction.