Disclaimer: Trust me I don't fucking own it.
A/N: Oh look an update, I feel awesome XD
Let Me Love You
Leather and Lace
~Mihael~
Watching him looking at me so desperately after asking if I really didn't remember I felt my heart beat skip, and it hurt so badly that I had to lie to him. Matt didn't deserve this and before last night I would never have hurt him like this, not intentionally.
Now, sitting in a dusty room at the mafia base of operations for the area I felt a mixture of pain and illness. My heart ached, the look in Matt's eyes when I'd stopped him from claiming his love for me again was all I could see when I closed my eyes.
My stomach churned riotously, this room reminded me of life without Matt, life after I left Whammy's. Contrary to popular belief I hadn't slept my way up in ranks at all, I'd gotten there by hard work and merciless killing. This room though, it made me feel like I was dirty, I'd slept with whores, tried some of the most dangerous drugs, and cried silently for hours here.
The curtains were soft black lace, the bed was covered by a large leather blanket, the underside of which was cashmere. The dressers were cold metal, a glock magazine lay on one while the gun it went to sat proudly beside the bed, loaded. Everything was designed to look elegant, but harsh at the same time a perfect reflection of who I was supposed to be.
It was so different from the room at Matt and I's shared home. There was no leather there, except for my clothes, and even then I usually wore cotton when I didn't have to work.
The only lace in my room was the scrap sewn into the quilt I had been given by my mother just before she died and my dresser was messy with movie tickets, doodles, a single precious photograph of Matt, and a crucifix.
I frowned suddenly, remembering that I had emptied out the room, shoving the scraps of mementos under a floorboard and burning the photo of Matt directly after leaving. It hurt to think I'd never go back there. Never have a real home again.
I groaned and pressed my face into the pillow I'd brought from ho-Matt's house and inhaled, it smelled strongly of him and of sex and for a moment I relax, tricking my mind into calming enough to sleep.
I whispered to myself just before exhaustion took me, "I'm not going back."