Finding My Worth In Your Eyes

by Nexylex

I downed the glass, eager to rid myself from the pain of remembering again. I knew it wouldn't work, it never worked. In the end I would always drink myself to sleep and he would catch up to me in my dreams. He would always look at me with those sad dark eyes and smile softly.A simple One-shot between ItachixOC.

The dark amber liquid sloshed as I slumped down into my favorite fluffy armchair. Sinking deeper into my own personal sanctuary slowly eased my mind of all my troubles. This has been my routine for several years, and I didn't see it stopping anytime soon. Train, get a mission, finish said mission, return home, get drunk, wake up and repeat. I raised the glass up and let the light in the room reflect off the dark alcohol inside making it shine a lighter sandy color.

I haven't even taken a sip and I already felt numb, maybe my body was getting ahead of the routine now. I frowned and set the glass down on the side table. I wasn't in the mood tonight to even drink. Becoming a Jounin was supposed to help take my mind off of things that I didn't want to remember, of people I didn't want to remember. Yet here my mind was, betraying me, images flashed before my eyes. Dark red eyes, Raven black hair, that sweet deep voice that would guide me through my troubles. I shook my head in defiance and quickly picked up the drink again.

"Please just give me one night to myself…"

I downed the glass, eager to rid myself from the pain of remembering again. I knew it wouldn't work, it never worked. In the end I would always drink myself to sleep and he would catch up to me in my dreams. He would always look at me with those sad dark eyes and smile softly.

"Sorry I couldn't be there today, next time, I promise"

That was always his catch phase. I knew he was busy, I'd always see him leaving the Hokage's office, and each time he'd look more and more of an empty shell. I'd just play dumb though, and continued to be selfish. I wanted his attention, his praise, and love. He was what made me want to become a ninja in the first place. I'd watch him effortlessly perform Jutsus and crazy inhuman acrobatics from a distance when we were younger.

"I wanna be strong just like you!"

Those were the words I told him, and lived by till he left us. Truth was that I didn't care about the way of the ninja. I was really a coward hiding behind a false mask. All I wanted was to be seen by him, unlike everyone else he actually gave me the time of day. No one else saw any potential in me, while others praised their children on what they could do. Mine would look past me, too focused on their own ambitions. My Parents Tried of course. They sent me to all kinds of classes, showed me what I could become, but nothing felt right. I always felt dead inside doing the things they wanted me to.

"Sit up dear, you want to give them a good first impression"

"I don't know why we keep bothering, she never tries! Look at her, would it kill her to smile!?"

"Oh! It's because you keep lecturing her so much! Won't you show us your pretty smile baby?"

Mother was always a bit nicer, but I could see her act crumbling as well as the years went on. She too gave up after a while. I didn't fit in their world, and I knew that. They stopped caring what I wore, said, or wandered off to.

That's when I'd start going to the training grounds to watch the ninja train. They always fascinated me in their other worldly ways. While others were worried about jobs, what to make for dinner, whether or not your husband was cheating, or what was new on TV. They were out there risking their lives for our protection. Something about that made my stomach clinch up and I'd feel slightly bitter towards the other villagers. How could they live such carefree lives while their fellow humans put their lives on the lines just so you could have another peaceful day going on a shopping spree or wasting your days doing nothing with your life?

"Here's to you my friend…my love" I took a swig of the bitter drink and let it burn its way down the back of my throat.

My first day at the ninja academy was nerve shattering. Here I was, a normal everyday villager, trying to become something they weren't. I didn't belong to some high class clan, or a powerful linage. Just some normal girl who didn't feel like she belonged walking the streets, in a fancy kimono, trying to catch someone's eye with a deep pocket.

The first few days were total chaos, I couldn't tap into my chakra, and I couldn't even keep up with the others in taijutsu. I was deemed worthless once again, over looked by my peers and my sensei. Only one boy saw my struggle, an Uchiha. He would lean over during class and whisper hints into my ear. When my face would scrunch up in confusion he would take the time to explain. He was stern with my training, and always made sure I could do the technique before he left for home.

I admired him for his hard work and pure talent. No one I knew was as perfect as Itachi Uchiha. The other girls in the class knew this of course and were extremely vicious with me whenever they spotted him trying to help me. They would try to catch me after class at the training grounds to pick a fight.

"Stay away from Itachi you nobody! He isn't even in your league!"

"Yeah! Go back to running a fruit stand you nobody!"

Their words didn't hurt me. I've heard them all before. I'd just ignore their taunts as I tried to train.

"Haha she doesn't even know how to throw a kunai!"

"She'll always be a no body; she'll die a nobody!"

"Nobody, nobody, nobody!"

"She'll die a nobody and no one will mourn her!"

I didn't know that I've squatted down and covered my ears with my hands trying to block out their voices. I didn't want to hear anymore, I couldn't hear anymore. My world was going to shatter around me. That's when he came to my rescue, my shinning knight in armor.

"Anyone who fights to defend the ones they love will always live on in their memories!" I looked up from my personal nightmare to see him standing between my verbal attackers. "She is working hard to become stronger, and to live by her ninja way!" The girls fell silent and started murmuring between themselves.

"…we're sorry, we were just jealous of you…" and with that they went on their own way.

That was the first time anyone has stood up for me, the girls they admitted they were jealous of me. Me! The nobody who didn't have any real future. I remember blushing and beaming up at him with big green eyes. My world rekindled by his kind words.

"You okay? Don't let them bother you…my names Itachi"

My mind gave a jolt and I jumped up in my fluffy chair. My mind wavered and swam behind the alcohol. I tried to remember what I was going to do, and placed the empty glass down on the side table once more. Tomorrow was my squad's first real mission, and I couldn't let them down. Then again, why should I care? I was just a half-wit Jounin who graduated by sheer luck. With Itachi gone my real motivation was dead. I was back to being the empty shell that I was once, before I knew his kindness.

"I just want to sleep…Please…" I moaned and tried to stand up from my sanctuary, the drink refused my attempts and I slumped back down into its arms.

"I got you just run straight up! Focus your chakra through your feet."

We were genin now, and I was learning how to control the chakra I could now bend to my will. With his help I was becoming something more than just a simple villager. I did as I was told and ran up the side of the tree with ease. Of course this was my millionth attempt. I wasn't an Uchiha who could accomplish such feats in a single try.

"I did it! I did it Itachi!" I jumped from the high branch and he was there to catch me. I laughed and held him around his neck, never wanting to let go. I felt like I had finally found my home, my place in this world. To soar among the trees and fight to protect the ones I love. I fought for my home, for him.

"I hope we end up on the same team…That way I can fight by your side."

I wanted to show him that his efforts didn't go to waste, I was really trying. I saw my own hard work being put to the test. Even sensei began to see my improvements, and starting including me in class demonstrations. I slowly caught up to the leaf prodigy through seer will power and determination. I thought that if I could be as good as Itachi, then I could be closer to him. For life was having him by my side.

"One day I want to fly like a bird! Look! Aren't they pretty?!" I pointed to a large black crow as it cawed into the distance. Itachi raised an eye brow with disbelief.

"But those are just crows, plain and common."

"Yet they are so mysterious, they seek precious things, and try so hard to be like the other birds." I smiled and watched it disappear into the distance. "I think I found my precious thing..."

I sat up with a jolt, knocking off the empty glass in the process. It shattered on the ground, scattering tiny shards of glass everywhere. "…ohhhhh…my head…how much did I have tonight?" I knew that tomorrow's mission was going to be rough with a hangover. I stood up and made my way to the kitchen, stumbling every step of the way.

"Itachi I can't do this! Water is hard to walk on…"

I stumbled on the broken glass, too drunk to feel them bite into the sensitive flesh.

"Ahhhh, help I'm sinking!" Blood seeps over the shards, coating them in a sleek hue of red.

"It's okay, just think of floating. Feel weightless, like the world doesn't matter anymore, just me and you." I smiled and closed my eyes, and began imagining myself lying on a fluffy cloud. No worries, no pressure. Just me and Itachi laughing at the world below, their problems didn't concern us. The Hokage no longer telling up our lives were for the village, and nothing more.

I made it to the cabinet and pulled down a fresh glass.

"You're skipping to an anbu? Don't you think that's a bit dangerous? You're still so young…" I wasn't worried so much as I was going to miss him. I knew he would excel at anything the Hokage would challenge him with. I just didn't want to see him leave me behind, and so suddenly. I had worked so hard to keep up with him till now and here he was just up and leaving the academy all together.

He was like me though, he didn't belong here. I was holding him back from his full potential.

"I'll still be around. You know where to find me." He then pushed my forehead like he usually did with his fingers and smiled sadly at me. The smile he usually gave when he was forced to do something he didn't want to do. He would just say it was for the good of the village and reassure me he was okay.

"I need to prepare for tomorrow…where's my kunai…"

I filled the glass with water from the sink. I needed to clear my head before I fell asleep. I'd be a labiality to my students if I didn't at least try to be a responsible Jounin. As of lately I have become less and less reliable, even putting Kakashi to shame with his chain of excuses.

"…are you okay…why are you crying?" The first time I ever saw weakness in his eyes, his dark voided eyes. Not many got to see past his hard exterior. His black eyes were usually shielded behind so many walls, but now they all seem to crumble under the weight he had been carrying for so long.

"…please don't cry…" I wrapped my arm around his shoulders and let him weep on me. Itachi, the leaf's hero and prodigy, was nothing more than a heap of sadness and regret now. I didn't know what to say, what could I say? I was nothing but a reflection of his greatness.

"Someone great once told me that anyone who fights to defend the one's they love will live on in their memories…you Itachi, will be a legend. You will live on in their hearts." I rubbed his back as he silently sobbed. That was the last time I ever saw that side of Itachi.

I took a sip of the water only to taste salt, and felt warm streaks fall down my cheeks. I reached up and touched the flowing river of silent tears. "I couldn't be strong as you… but you're the one who ran away…" I let the tears flow and drank the rest of the salty water.

My head pounded under the influence of my usual drinking habits. I didn't like to drink, but it was the only thing that numbed the pain, and slowed the onslaught of painful memories. It kept him from coming back and taunting me with his bitter sweet words of encouragement. I didn't need such things anymore. I wanted his arms around me. I needed structure.

"Maybe if I get some fresh air…"

I slowly wondered outside with my glass in one hand and stared up out into the dark skies. I breathed in deeply, the crisp air clearing my mind. His brother Sasuke coming to mind now as the haze slowly began to clear. I tried to steer him onto the right path that his brother would want, but he was blinded by his hate. There was nothing I could do as another Uchiha left my life in search to destroy another that I loved so dearly. It was as if I was destined to fail a single clan in everything they put faith in me to do.

"There is something I need to tell you…"

"Hm? What's that?" I lazily twirled a kunai around my finger, something new that I learned.

"I'll be leaving the village…tonight" His voice was directed toward me, but it seemed to fade into a void around me. I let the kunai fumble on my finger and stop its rotation.

"What do you mean leave? Like on a mission?" my younger innocent self couldn't comprehend that he was trying to say goodbye.

"Yeah, a mission, one that I might be on for a very long time." He paused and reached out to my shoulders, resting his hands on them. I could feel him tremble, and this scared me. If Itachi was shaken, it was for a good reason.

"You're scaring me Itachi-kun…what's going on?" my brows furrowed, my full attention on his own concerned filled expression.

"Everything is going to be fine soon. You just have to promise me to stay strong. No matter what, okay?" He smiled one last time before slipping into his calm and collected Itachi mode. The one he used to hide his true feelings.

"Do you think I'll really be a legend?" The question was random, but sincere. At the time I only laughed and pushed his arms away "Only the greatest one ever!"

I felt the world around me shake as I fell to my knees the grip on my glass slipping, letting another one shatter on the ground. I started down at the broken pieces glittering under the clear night's light.

"What if I died right now? Who would mourn me…Nobody…" my anger bubbled over and I began punching the shards that reflected my weakness back at me. Again, and again, till even the alcohol couldn't numb the throbbing pain in my sliced knuckles.

"You son of a bitch!" I knocked out my first rouge ninja, his skull connecting with my fist. He had been a part of a gang who was known to attack merchants coming and going from Konoha. I had punched him so hard that it split the skin on my knuckles and shattered his nose.

"You left! You ran! You told me to stay and fight, and you ran!" I punched again and again, leaving the poor man's face unrecognizable. It took my whole squad to pull me off the man, but it was too late though. He had been beaten to a pulp and his life was ceased by my rage.

"He's dead…you killed him…" My teammate breathed out in disbelief after checking his pulse. Apparently I had become a ticking time bomb since Itachi betrayed the leaf village. My anger was known throughout the village, and my drinking had started.

I learned that he killed off his entire village, fled to join the notorious gang called Akatsuki, and left his younger brother in my care. As if I knew how to raise a young ninja who witnessed the most tragic moment in his life. How did Itachi expect me, the plain village girl, to pull through this mess? It was as if he was training me, building me up, just to spit on me in the end.

My hazy mind told me to end the pain, end the suffering, and end all these miserable memories. No one was coming to rescue me, I was alone again, and not even Itachi was going to be there to charm me with his words. I griped a shard of glass tightly, causing it to bite into my hand as I trembled. Konoha was silent as always at night. The normal people didn't know the true horror of being a shinobi. You have to watch your friends die, countless fellow classmates rush to their deaths, only to have the survivors be told that their deaths was for a good cause. What cause was that? So the cycle could continue again?

"My dream is to kill a certain someone. I want revenge on my brother."

Those words echoed in my head. How could such an innocent boy say such hateful words? Would my students notice me missing tomorrow if I didn't show up? Would anyone try to take revenge on my behalf? I placed the cold shard of glass to my wrist. My vision wavering in and out of focus as I tried to clear my mind.

"I'm no legend…" I pressed the shard down into my flesh waiting for the red liquid to spurt forth, but the glass was knocked from my weak fingers. I looked up with wide eyes at what could possibly catch me off guard. My clouded vision tried to focus on a dark figure standing before me, but my mind couldn't stay awake any longer. My world fell down around me as I slumped sideways, eyes rolling back into my skull.

"Your team mates are starting to complain, you are uncontrollable and reckless in the field." The Hokage's word's fell on deaf ears as I stared out the window behind him. I spotted a large black crow as it flew off into the distance, and my thoughts went to Itachi again.

"-concerned for your wellbeing…are you listening?" My head snapped back to the Hokage's aging face and I frowned.

He sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose in frustration "I think you can't be trusted on missions anymore" he stated as if matter of fact. My brows furrowed and my mood went from casual daydreamer to raging berserker in the matter of seconds.

"You can't Hokage-sama! It's my life out there! I can't go back! I won't!" I bowed my head and breath to calm myself "please…I'll change!" I then bowed my whole upper body as low as I could, begging him with desperation.

He raised his hand to silence me and stroked his bearded with the other. "Now I know you have been burdened with great responsibility, and you have been stressed as of lately" I closed my eyes tightly waiting for him to say I was relieved of my duty as a shinobi. I'd be worthless again, back to a life void of purpose.

"This is why I'd think you'd be best suited to stay here, in the village as a teacher." He closed his eyes and continued to stroke his beard in deep thought. My head shot up to stare at him with disbelief, and all I could manage was a chocking sob as I smiled like an idiot.

"Thank you! I'll do my best!" I bowed low again tears dripping from my eyes in large blobs. That's when I was gifted with the chance to share the wisdom Itachi shared with me when we were younger. I even got to enroll Sasuke in my class, but in the end failed to shed any light on his dark world.

"I failed…" I murmured in my sleep, I was half conscious as I tried to sit up. I was forced back down though by an unknown force.

"Lie still…you were about to do something stupid weren't you?" I turn my head away from the voice, eyes still scrunched closed in pain.

"But there isn't anything left for me now…" I retaliated back at the voice, it sounded so familiar.

"Heh…That isn't the strong chunin I left behind. She would have fought much more than this."

"I'm a Jounin…I have a mission tomorrow with my students…I have…I have to be there…" I mumbled and rubbed my eyes trying to wake up.

"See? You have gotten stronger…you've fought for so long…"The voice sounded happy and sorrow filled at the same time. It reminded me how Itachi would speak to me when he was trying to cheer me up.

"…" I groaned as my head pounded in protest.

"…Sorry I couldn't be there for you…Next time, I promise." I then felt someone place fingers upon my forehead and my eyes flew open.

"Itachi!?" My eyes darted around only to find myself in my room, the light turned off and the window thrown open. My face fell when I didn't see his familiar figure, and went to throw the covers off to get ready for the day.

That's when my fingers brushed against something soft. I looked down to find a jet black crow's feather lying by my side. That's when I reached up to touch the spot I thought I felt Itachi, and I could still feel the warm touch of not his fingers, but the soft touch of his lips upon my forehead.

For the first time in several years I felt the corners of my mouth tug upward into a smile, and felt my heartbeat thumping rapidly in my ears instead of the usual pounding hangover.

"I'm going to hold you to that Itachi Uchiha…"

End.