It scared me being touched like that by Kevin or more like it scared me how much I liked it beyond my control. But now-a-days it seems as if everything scares me. But its only natural, I have read it in history, studied it in human psychology. People's greatest fear is death, why? It is not because we die but because it is the greatest unknown, the unknown that affects us all and every living creature on this planet. This is where all fear is truly based on, the not knowing. How can I be anything but scared? For so long I thought I knew myself but I was wrong. I am gay and its wrong...its suppose to be wrong but I don't know what to think about it, not anymore. Its not a choice, I know that better than anyone else. But does that mean there is something wrong with me? Logic, reason and morals are my standing principles but now they seem at odds. My morals says it wrong, my reason says that we are all genetically different, therefore difference in preference is normal and my logical side says that their is no consensus among scientist about the exact reasons an individual develops a gay sexual orientation. It is speculated that it's a social creation or a disease or more believably a mental disorder. I'm I mentally ill?If so do I want to be cured? But by implying that I need to be cured I am implying that I am diseased. I don't feel sick or diseased and I am not unhappy on my account. All this is so unfamiliar and there are no answers. How can I be strong when I don't even know what I'm fighting for? Or if I'm fighting for what's right? This is all madness. I want to be happy with myself with who I am but I know the world will punish me for it.
The worse part is that I keep crying and I appear so weak after I seemed to have grown so strong. I stop being Eddy sidekick all the time and choose to help people if i could instead of being forced against my will to participate in activities I did not approve of nor would my parents. But this is all new for me and it scares me, all of it.' No matter how I look at it I just can't accept this, I know Kevin hasn't really, but what can I say. That I hate us being in the dark but I can't accept what I am or how he makes me feel. But looking back carefully I don't want everyone to know but Kevin's closest friend, Nazz knows about us and yet he want her to pretend she doesn't know. To turn a blind eye. She is not even allowed to acknowledge us. Maybe deep down he feels it too. It really doesn't matter what we feel or what's the truth or what's fiction what matters is what the world believes. They believe that this, that we are wrong. I don't want to believe it's true but...but I don't know if this is worth fighting for. If Kevin is worth fight for.
My mind keeps going back to Daniel. That sadness in his eyes. It was heart wrenching, it was like watching a tragedy. You want to do something but there is nothing you can do but let your feeling run loose and break down. I know it's a possibility, a large possibility that Kevin could cause that sadness in me as well. Unknowingly, I have given him such power over me. Proving that this relationship is wrong, this relationship makes me weak but it also brings me such joy.
Everything is being turn upside down. But in the end I guess it doesn't matter. No matter what I tell myself the truth will always come to light. I haven't changed I am as pathetic and weak as the first day I became Eddy's sidekick. And Kevin has as much power over me as he did before.
Everything has change while remaining exactly the same.
He ran and I did nothing. But what was I suppose to do, chase him? I...I just couldn't risk it. Someone would have seen. It would have been super suspicious that we both came out from Rolf's backyard on Valentine's Day. Yet, I knew, I know I should have ran after him, comforted him. I should have told him that if we were going too fast we could slow down. That I would do anything he asks...almost anything.
He probably won't ask me to...but I could see it in his face when I told him I had Nazz keep quite about us, pretend that we are not together even in private. It hurt him. But the more people know about a secret the harder it is to keep.
I can see it. Kevin is just like I use to be and Edd...oh Edd. Kevin is going to wreak you, I thought it would be different, I wanted it to be different; for Kevin not to be what I refused to see but everything point to things ending in disaster. But this time I will be there to protect you.
That's why I need to stop thinking about Mr. Candy-man and focus on Edd, just Edd.
I finally have everything I wanted but now it doesn't seem important. Its not fair. I waited so long to be on top and now he's trying to drag me down. Why is this happening to me? Why do I have to be so irresistible? I can't help that every pore in my body oozes sex appeal. He's making me become more and more confused. Bastard!
To toast or not to toast that is never the question. But is there enough gravity? I demand satisfaction...and toast. But what is a world of toast and gravity if one's friends are miserable and I have the power to do nothing? What is brawn's when it can't stop your friends from hurting? What can I do to stop being so useless? To toast or not to toast that is never the question.
A/N: Alternating updates between this and my other story, just so you guys know.