Chapter Four
Christmas half term rolled around and while Clara had always known it would never be dull with the Doctor around and so keen to not let her out of his sight, she had felt almost relived when he'd received another message on the psychic paper from Madam Vastra. No offence to the Doctor but Vastra's cases where always a lot more thought out rather than the mad dash and run into trouble then flee for your life that the Doctor usually dragged them into.
He was of course a little miffed at this description of their adventures which was why he was still ticking with annoyance as he sipped tea from a delicate cup in Vastra's room. The Lizard lady was watching him with something akin to amusement.
"What has annoyed you this time dear Doctor?" she finally asked with a roll of her eyes.
He only answered with a snort, so Clara said "I may have implied that your adventures where a lot calmer than his."
Vastra laughed loudly and they both jumped. The lizard lady did not often laugh so hard or with such gusto so when she did it took them off guard. "Oh Doctor you do take offence so easily this time around!" she laughed. "I'm sure Miss Clara was not insinuating that she would rather have her adventures with us than you, where you dear?"
"What?" Clara passed her bewildered look from Vastra to the Doctor. "Of course not, it's just nice not to nearly break an ankle running for your life for once."
The Doctor glared at her, opened and shut his mouth angrily and looked away like he'd thought better of saying what he was about to. That itself amazed Clara. He glared right at Vastra "You said you needed our help with something so can we please talk about that instead?"
Vastra winked at Clara who was feeling a fraction more unnerved every time they met. It was like Vastra couldn't decide if she liked Clara or not – one adventure she would be warm and welcoming and the next she would be suspicious. When asked about her wife's behaviour Jenny just shrugged and said she was like that about most things.
"Yes Doctor we were hoping that you and Clara would help Jenny and I with a rather special case that requires more than two sets of eyes to go undercover."
"Why not ask Strax to help you?" the Doctor frowned.
"Because no one wants to be Strax's partner." Vastra gave an eye roll. "There have been murders, usually with murders the skeleton is left behind but this time – they are the only thing missing. A single puncture mark to the back of the neck but every single bone is missing from each body."
"How many victims?"
"Ten. It's always two victims – taken as a pair."
"Specific" the Doctor mumbled. Clara was sitting in her chair trying not to feel a bit ill.
"We rather think it is opportunistic" Vastra supplied. "The hunting grounds for this beast are rather filled with couples. We were asked to investigate discreetly which is why I asked for your help – though I imagine Miss Clara is going to have quite a time keeping you discreet."
Clara resisted the urge to squeeze her eyes shut against the difficult task that was and said "Sorry Madame Vastra but you haven't actually said what we'll be doing yet?"
"Oh yes, well we need you to come with us undercover at a couples retreat in the North East."
There was a pause. "Couples retreat?" the Doctor repeated.
"Yes" Madame Vastra's smile was growing.
"Me and him?" Clara had to clarify, a feeling of unease and excitement gathering in her belly.
The Doctor and Clara stared with wide eyes and bewildered expressions at each other, before they turned back to Madame Vastra. "Are you crazy?" the Doctor asked "No one would believe Clara and I were married. I mean for one there is the obvious age difference, and we argue – she can be such a control freak-"
"Hark whose talking?" Clara interrupted him. "Talk about pot calling kettle black!"
"Which is exactly why you two would be perfect!" Vastra called over their heated glares. "A couples retreat ideally is for couples who need their relationships repaired. All you'd have to do is act like you do now – maybe with a tiny bit more affection – and keep your eyes out for bone sucking beasts."
Clara bit her lip, Vastra made perfect sense. The Doctor beside her was shaking his head, looking down with a sardonic sneer "I don't like this plan at all." He muttered before glancing at Clara with the same expression and saying "Bet you wish we were running for our lives and breaking our ankle now eh?"
Clara sat uncomfortably at least several inches away from the Doctor in the sitting room of the lodge the couples retreat was being held in. it was stormy outside, had been since they arrived, bright forks of lightening where the only light source outside of the lodge and they had arrived soaking wet. Which coincidentally was why there were sitting together on the love seat closest to the roaring fire – the Doctor had insisted she get dry before she catch a cold. She'd only complied after he reminded her that Victorians had some very weird cures for the sick indeed.
There was defiantly an air of awkwardness between them as they sat together watching the other couples of the retreat mingling on the other side of the room where there was a small bar. Vastra and Jenny where loosely holding hands while being quizzed by a curious young pair – an obvious disapproving older couple where standing across the room glaring daggers, the Doctor kind of wanted them to dare say something to Vastra and Jenny just for entertainment purposes. He was all too aware of the distance between him and Clara. Exactly six and a half inches to be exact. He'd looked and measured easily while checking she was getting drier.
A large man with a handle bar moustache came over with his wife. They looked like they were about in their thirties, and smiled warmly at Clara and the Doctor. "Hello, we haven't seen you two here before. Figured we would come say hello since you don't seem like the mingling sort." The wife said sitting in the chairs to their left side. All the seats in the room had been set out into a large circle – under her breath Clara had muttered about 'circle time' and the Doctor had replied 'like children'.
"Yes. It's our first time to one of these." The Doctor tried to make his voice sound normal – but it didn't quite work, it still came out tight, impatient.
"Ach there's no need to be nervous" the husband was defiantly Irish. "We've all got our trouble with the missus, or mr in their case. You two should try say hello to everyone else, gonna bake by that fire."
"Yes well, we got caught in the rain and I have to make sure my… missus doesn't get sick." The Doctor went to move an arm around Clara's waist, but thought better of it at the last second and placed it on her back noticing her dress was still damp. She looked startled at the contact first, but leaned into his touch with a slight glance at his face.
"Oh he's taking care of her isn't that sweet Frank?" the wife gave her husband a goofy smile. "You got a good one dearie, my Frank just tells me to deal with it! I'm Abigale by the way, Abigale Knight."
Clara smiled, shuffled a tiny bit closer to the Doctor as she relaxed a bit more. "I'm Clara, and this is…" she hesitated, they hadn't actually thought of a name for the Doctor.
Luckily he picked up for her. "John Smith – Doctor John Smith. She forgets sometimes when she's tiered bless her."
A man and woman walked into the room and Clara had a slight inkling that they were the hosts of this couples retreat. The man wore a loose flowing white top un-tucked from his trousers, his feet oddly where bare and his long uncut hair was pulled into a pony tail behind him. The woman wore a loose dress that Clara had never seen in all her trips to Victorian London she too had no shoes and uncut long hair. Clara leaned closer to the Doctor and whispered so no one else heard "Would I be mistaken in assuming these guys are Victorian hippies? I didn't even know there where Victorian hippies!"
The Doctor snorted, disgusted it as a cough when the Knights looked at them and whispered back "Well they didn't just suddenly pop up in the seventies and eighties, though this is the first time I've come across them."
"Everyone, would you like to take a seat with your partner please and we shall get started with introductions." The hippie woman said, her voice clear and sweet weirdly so.
There were nine other couples including Clara and the Doctor, they were made to go around the circle and explain their problems. The Knights on their left side had started (turns out they were having issues in the bedroom – Clara had to elbow the Doctor in the ribs when he grinned at that), then came the Sampson's and Brooks' (both those couples had trust issues) the Kelly's (they were having separation issues while her husband was away). Madame Vastra and Jenny went next saying they were having issues being accepted as a homosexual couple – Clara watched keenly as the group digested this, not many people seemed to have a problem with it. except the next couple, the Graces' who were ironically having issues because her husband had recently found out their new-born daughter was not his, so Clara felt they had no room to judge Vastra and Jenny. After them where two already irritating couples, the Matthews and the Geller's, who'd been to the retreat several times and though there was hardly anything wrong with their relationships they kept coming back.
Clara and the Doctor had been hissing sarcastic comments at each other before they realised everyone was looking at them. "Would you two care to share your problems with the group?" their male host asked – his voice unlike his partners was rough, like he spent his youth chewing rocks.
"No problems." The Doctors said immediately sitting ramrod straight with glaring eyes.
"Nope nothing." Clara added.
"Well maybe she's a bit of a control freak."
"Pot calling kettle" Clara retorted. "He's very grumpy."
"Now who's the pot calling kettle?"
"Alright, alright." The female host raised her hands to stop them speaking "I think maybe you two are having communication issues, don't you agree."
"Nope I think this works for us" the Doctor couldn't resist a retort. In the corner of her eyes Clara caught Jenny snickering and rolling her eyes.
"Now let's be honest…" the host looked a little patronizing.
"I am being honest aren't I Clara?" the Doctor looked at her, he seemed far too amused.
Clara looked at him, then glanced at Vastra and Jenny who gave her encouraging looks, she then sighed deeply put her hand on the Doctors knee – feeling him tense in surprise – she smiled at him sweetly and said "Come on love, you said you'd behave yourself while we're here."
The Doctor blinked, utterly confused for a second before he saw Vastra glaring at him through her black veil. He blinked again then looked at Clara, gave a thin smile and said "Sorry I'll behave myself, ghrá."
It was late by the time their hosts – who eventually named themselves as Heather and Stephen – had gone through the vague plan for the next week's activities. Again Clara had to elbow the Doctor in the ribs when he rolled his eyes or groaned like they were trying to kill him. Eventually they were finished and the Doctor joined some of the other patrons to collect their room key while Jenny and Vastra hung back with Clara.
"Having fun Clara?" Jenny asked, hardly containing her grin.
"Oh I bet I'm not having half as much fun as you two" Clara grumbled.
"Come now, he's been more well behaved than we thought he'd be. He hasn't called anyone a 'pudding brain' yet, or insulted the human race as a whole." Vastra encouraged, putting her hand on Clara's shoulder. "Then again, we have the rest of a week."
The Doctor returned looked very happy with himself with two room keys, one of which he handed to Jenny and Vastra who non to discreetly wished Clara good luck (this earned a frown from the Doctor) and a goodnight.
"Suppose we should turn in too Clara, you humans tend to run out of steam pretty quickly." The Doctor said following then up the stairs Clara trailing behind him.
She paused looking at his back. "What are the chances they gave us two beds in our room?"
The Doctor turned to look at her, putting a key in one of the doors without looking. "Oh come now dear, can't be a married couple and not sharing a bed." he winked.
The Doctor doesn't wink.
Not this one, not that Clara remembers anyway. Maybe that whisky he was drinking had gone to his head. "How much whisky did you drink?" she asks bewildered. "I think that's the first time I've seen you, this you anyway, wink."
He frowned "I'm sure I've winked before…." He muttered, then shrugged "Maybe, maybe not. You should be feeling lucky you're getting all this body's firsts. First face this face saw, first face this face winked at etcetera."
Clara entered the bedroom behind the Doctor, admittedly the entire room was rather grand. "Good use of wood" was the Doctor comment. He was right, everything was made of wood from the tables to the grand four poster bed. "Oh look, we have our own bathroom too" the Doctor had wandered into a tiny adjoining room.
Clara looked around. The majority of the room was taken up by the bed, the only other furniture being two velvet red wing armchairs in front of a rather beautiful fireplace. There was no choice about it – if they wanted to sleep comfortably and preferably horizontal they were going to have to share a bed.
Convincing the Doctor of that however was probably going to be the really hard part. Clara heaved a sigh, staring at the ceiling. This was going to be a long week.