Author's Note: Trigger. Deals with self-harm. This in an AU and although ages aren't specified while writing this I pictured Myka and Helena to be in high school. Please note that particular fic does deal with self-harm, if that in any way trigger's you, please don't read.
Myka and Helena are reading in the library of Helena's home. Her grandfather Caturanga will be gone for the evening. They have the house to themselves.
Helena looks over a Myka who is engrossed in her book, she smiles a her friend until she notice something red on Myka's left palm.
"Myka, darling. You're bleeding." Helena says the concern evident in her voice. Myka glances down to where Helena's gaze is to see a line of blood running down her palm.
"Oh. It's nothing." She says as she pulls the sleeve of her shirt down even more. Helena sets her book aside and approaches Myka.
"It isn't nothing, Myka. Here let me see." Helena says as she makes a move to grab at Myka's arm. Myka abruptly pulls back, puts her book down, stands up and takes a few steps away from Helena.
"Don't." She says rather harshly. Myka sighs at the shocked expression on Helena's face. "I'll go deal with it." Helena just watches frozen as Myka leaves to go upstairs.
Myka heads straight for the bathroom. She opens the medicine cabinet and finds a box on band aids. She sets them on the counter and rolls up her sleeve to her elbow. The few cuts from this morning are the offending culprits that are causing the blood. Myka rinses the blood off. Just as she takes out the first band aids she hears a gasp.
She drops the box and turns around to find Helena standing in the doorway. Myka quickly rolls down her sleeve. They both just stand there staring at each other until Helena is moving, she takes a step forward which causes Myka to step back. Helena bends down and picks up the box of band aids before taking a few more steps towards Myka until Myka is backed up against the wall.
Helena grabs her right hand and silently leads her towards her room.
She sits Myka down on her bed and takes up the empty spot beside her. She grabs Myka's left hand and moves to roll up her sleeve. Myka jerks her hand away, her eyes are frantic. She is terrified.
"It's okay." Helena says softly as she gently rolls up Myka's sleeve so it's rests at her elbow once more. She stands up and walks out the door leaving Myka frozen. She comes back with a damp cloth. She gently rubs away the fresh and dry blood that has painted Myka's left arm. Then ever so gently she lays band aids on the four cuts that are bleeding. The rest have already scabbed over or have long since scarred.
Helena finds herself staring at the offending cuts on Myka's arm. That's when she notices Myka's hands are shaking. When she looks up to meet Myka's eyes she can see the tears that have gathered there.
"I'm sorry." Myka says, her voices barely a whisper. "I'm sorry."
Helena gently rolls Myka's sleeve back down. "It's okay." She tells her.
"I'm sorry." Myka repeats. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay." Helena tells her as she pulls Myka into a secure embrace. It's then that she feels the sobs that rack Myka's body as she continues to whisper her apology over and over.
Helena holds her tighter and whispers soothingly to her. Eventually she manages to change their positions so that Helena has her back against the head-board and Myka is curled up into her side with her head resting on Helena's chest.
Myka's sobs have subsided and only silent tears remain. Neither girl speaks. They just hold each other. Helena starts to play with the edge of the sleeve on Myka's shirt before gently pulling it up again. Myka doesn't pull away she just allows Helena to examine the horror and shame that is there.
Helena gently traces the scars that litter Myka's left arm. She runs her fingers over the band aids she just applied. The cuts there can't be more than a few hours old. Helena reckons they were done before she came over.
"Why?" Helena finds herself asking. She can feel Myka tense slightly beside her before she takes a deep shaky breath.
"I don't know." She says. Her voice is hoarse and weak. It makes her sound as small and vulnerable as she feels. "So I can feel in control about something. So I can feel the physical pain, not just the emotional. So I can get release from the emotional pain, even for just few seconds when I trade it for the physical pain. I don't know."
She has the hand on the arm that lays exposed and vulnerable in all it's shameful and scarred glory bawled into a fist. The pressure making crescent shapes in the skin on her palm. Helena gently prices her first open before smoothing out the offending shapes and replacing them with her own hand as she intertwines their fingers.
"You have to stop, darling." Helena says to her as she kisses her temple. "Please, for me."
Myka's breath hitches at the pleading sound in Helena's voice. She buries her face further into Helena's chest before nodding her head.
"I'll try." She tells her. "I promise, I'll try." Helena nods knowing that is all she can ask, and that's all Myka can give.