Disclaimer: I don't own anything Star Trek it is all property of Gene Roddenberry, J.J. Abrams, Paramount, and whoever else owns rights to the franchise. I am not making any profits off of this so please don't sue me.

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Chapter 16

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It was very late in the hour now on board the USS Enterprise. Most of the ship's crew were deep in the realm of sleep with only some still awake either out of duty or because sleep had passed them over. The Enterprise was cruising along smoothly through the quiet black expanse of Space. Inside the ship in one of her observation decks, one such soul on board with who sleep was proving to be quite elusive stood before one of the deck's large, arched windows. He stared out into the star filled infinity that was Space and sighed deeply.

It was proving to be yet another sleepless night for one Captain James T. Kirk.

It had been about two and a half weeks since his well viewed as triumphant return back to duty. There had been no major snags along the way, just some minor hiccups here and there as it were. But while his professional life was on the fast track back to normal and glorious, the young Captain's personal life still had one major snag in it. Sure he was responsive and slowly mending his relationships with the members of his senior staff like Bones and Uhura, but there was still one person with whom contact was still sparse and well strained.

That person was one Commander Spock.

These last few weeks had been all but torture in some ways, to see the person you still loved, to be just a few feet from them, and yet it was like the Great Wall of China itself was between you both, barring the way to simply getting to each other. More than once Jim caught himself staring at his First Officer while he was supposed to be working on the Bridge. And more significantly Jim would also catch dark almost black eyes staring back at him every once in a while. It was almost unbearable, to the point where Jim just wanted to scream at the top of his lungs before running over to Spock and bodily dragging him off the bridge so that they could actually have a moment to themselves and maybe just look at each other besides saying what he wanted to say to the half-Vulcan.

Today itself had not been particularly eventful. They were on their way to the Divonus system to explore a newly discovered star nebula. They would be arriving some time in the coming afternoon hours barring any complications. A small sigh escaped Jim as he stared out the observation deck window at the twinkling stars that passed by lazily before his eyes. He was so lost in his own thoughts he didn't notice when another one of the ship's sleepless souls quietly entered the observation deck.

" Captain?"

The deep baritone voice instantly snapped Jim out of his thoughts and it also startled the young man who had thought that he was going to be the only one there in the observation desk at this very late hour. Jim turned around quickly and felt his heart freeze for a moment as his blue eyes met the deep almost black eyes of the person who had been dominating his thoughts for a very long while now.

" Spock." Said Jim softly as he gazed at the tall half-Vulcan who was standing near the entrance of the of the Observation deck.

Spock remained silent as he slowly stepped forward, stepping closer till he was standing in the center of the deck area before he spoke.

" It is quite a substantial lateness in the hour therefore I must ask if you are alright sir?" Said Spock with all the formalities.

Jim stared at Spock for a moment and then deflated. With a small sigh the young Captain of the Enterprise stepped for himself and spoke as he moved to join his First Officer at the middle of the Observation deck.

" I'm fine Spock, just call it another among the many sleepless nights I've been wracking up. And we aren't on duty right now so you don't have to call me sir, you know that." He said with a tired sigh.

There was a beat of silence as Jim came to a stop within arm's length of the Vulcan. Spock himself seemed to deflate just a fraction himself before he spoke.

" I think I have lost all privilege of calling yo anything but what formality dictates." He said softly.

Jim felt a small twinge inside his chest at these words and he also caught the barely veiled sadness in the Vulcan's deep, almost black eyes.

" You can call me Jim Spock, I wouldn't mind." Said the blond softly.

" I have desired to speak with you personally on many occasions, Jim." Said Spock with the barest hint of pensiveness in his tone.

" I've really wanted to talk to you too Spock, but I guess you and I just haven't been able to figure out how to face each other." Said Jim with a small momentary quirk of one corner of his mouth. And though he didn't want to admit it, Jim felt his heart lift a considerable amount simply because Spock had called him by his first name.

" We are facing each other now Jim." Said Spock.

Jim nodded as this and indeed, things had a strange way of coming to be around here no matter how much they are attempted to be avoided.

" Yeah we are. But I got no idea where to begin with you Spock." Said Jim quietly, looking away from Spock and remaining silent for a long moment before looking back up to meet the Vulcan's dark eyes.

" I am still really angry at you, but at the same time I want you back, I wanna let you in so badly I think some days that I will go mad. God, Spock why didn't you stay and actually let me talk? Why did you take just one look at me and think that I was unfaithful to you?" Asked Jim with some difficulty as his throat began to constrict with the emotions that were bubbling up fast inside of him.

" It was... It was my foolish mistake. We had been in a stable relationship for over ten point four months before the incident occurred. When you came back to our quarters, my senses caught the presence of someone other than me lingering on you. My logic deduced such a scenario of infidelity rather than the violation that actually happened to you. That along with your long history of past relationships only served to make this wrong assessment all the more solid in my mind. It was my logic that was flawed, but it was you who payed the price and for that I shall never forgive myself." Said Spock, meaning every word.

Jim was silent for a long time, clenching his jaw so tightly the bones ached in loud protest before with a rattling breath through his nostrils he spoke.

" That Antarian bastard sure went and ruined everything didn't he?" He asked shakily. Spock remained silent but his eyes conveyed the beginnings of deep despair as Jim continued.

" And now, here I am slowly beginning to rebuild everything but I am still for the most part a man in ruin. I don't know what to do and I miss you so Goddamn much every second of every day. When I'm on the main bridge I get so mad at you sometimes that I want nothing more than to get up and run to you, scream at you with everything I have in my lungs, shake you and just keep asking you over and over again why. why did you abandon me. But at night when I get to my quarters I just feel empty, everything inside my quarters feels completely empty cause you're not there. It's Hell, in every sense of the word it's Hell." Said Jim, his voice just barely a few octaves above a whisper.

Spock swallowed thickly and fought back the emotions that were raging inside of him as he spoke.

" I too, have been keenly aware of your absence and the distance between us. You are so close, just feet from me at times and yet it feels as though a barrier has been erected between us and I cannot pass through. You as well occupy my mind and no amount of meditating or calling upon the teachings of Surak can free me of you. You are my T'hy'la Jim, my T'hy'la; you being that, I will be forever in shame for the way I treated you. And above all of this I have yet to actually ask you for your forgiveness." Said Spock pausing for but a moment before he finally spoke the words Jim had been secretly waiting for him to say.

" Can you ever forgive me for the terrible grievances that I have cause you, can you ever forgiving me for the emotional pain that I caused you, for not cherishing you like a T'hy'la should be cherished, can you ever forgive me James T. Kirk?"

Jim screwed his eyes shut as he let Spock's words of penance wash over him. His heart both lifted and seemed to crack at the same time. Jim bowed his head low and barely stifled the urge to dissolve into tears right then and there. He wouldn't burst into tears damn it, he was James T. Kirk and he had shed enough tears. Sucking in a deep breath through his lips Jim straightened back up to full height and brought his now overly shiny blue eyes to meet Spock's so very human eyes. Finding it difficult to open his mouth at the moment without having his lips trembling quite violently, Jim decided on another way of conveying what he wanted to say.

Taking a small half step and closer some more of the already sparse distance between then, Jim raised his now slightly trembling hands and reached up towards the Vulcan standing across from him. Spock remained absolutely still and scarcely breathed as he watched and waited to see what Jim was going to do. The moment Jim's hands made contact with his skin Spock inhaled sharply as a jolt seemed to pass through him from where Jim's hands were holding his face down to his very toes. Spock gave no resistance as Jim very slowly pulled his head down towards his own till their foreheads were finally pressed against each other. Letting out another soft, shaky sigh Jim finally spoke.

" Yes, I can forgive you Spock. But I must tell you now that it will take a very long time for me to be able to trust you as I once did. I can trust you with my life when we are on duty but not when we aren't. I love you deeply, of that you can be sure. But right now I'm still trying to put myself back together, still trying to return to some semblance of who I was. I'm not ready to just go right back to a relationship with you, I'm just not ready so I have to ask you, will you wait for me?" Asked Jim.

" For as long as it takes." Said Spock almost instantly.

This made Jim smile tearfully for a moment before he sobered and asked Spock another question.

" Will you still be my friend until then?" He asked softly.

" Jim, from that moment we were inside my older counterpart's ship during the Narada incident to this moment now, I have been and always shall be, your friend." Said Spock whole heartedly as he reached up and gripped Jim by his upper arms with firm gentleness, as though to solidify what he was said with his touch before he spoke again.

" And with time I hope to earn the right to be more than that to you again."

Jim nodded and let a small smile grace his lips, but it faded far too quickly into a sad expression as he spoke.

" I feel I gotta apologize to you too Spock." He said softly as he pulled his head back a little to eye the Vulcan.

" For what Jim, you are the injured party here, it is illogical that you need to apologize for anything." Said Spock with confusion tinting his voice.

" Yes I do, that day back in the Sickbay with you and Bones, I yelled at you, and then I... I hit you." Said Jim softly, feeling guilt for that act.

Spock's eyes widened, he was stunned by this, a second later he tightened his grip on Jim's arms and shook his head as he spoke.

" Do not apologize for that, I deserved it, I deserve far worse for what I have done. Do not apologize, for it was well within your rights." He said firmly. Now it was Jim who shook his head vigorously as he spoke.

" No Spock, it wasn't right. It was wrong of me to have done that to you. No matter how angry I was and how much you honestly did deserve it, I had no right to lay a hand on you like I did, no right at all. So for that, please forgive me Spock, please." Said Jim, his voice wavering dangerously close to breaking entirely.

" There is nothing to forgive Jim, nothing." Said Spock with a tone of finality.

Jim nodded and conceded, he could see that there was no point in arguing with Spock about that particular issue and there weren't enough hours in the day if he had decided to try and prove his point. Then using every ounce of his will Jim let go of Spock's face, Spock did the same and released Jim's upper arms. Each man immediately felt the absence of the others touch and had to fight tooth and nail with their own desires to instantly come back together again. They each took a step away from each other, their eyes never breaking the gaze they shared. A lifetime was spent in simply staring at each other in silence until Jim finally spoke, breaking it.

" It's really late, I should go and try to get some sleep because we've got a lot of work to do. I'll see you later on the Bridge Spock?" Asked Jim with a ghost of a smile on his face.

" Of course, I shall see you when Alpha shift begins." Said Spock.

With a small nod Jim wordlessly stepped past Spock and began making his way towards the mouth of the corridor that led in and out of the Observation deck. Dark eyes followed his every step and now, it felt oddly comforting to the young man. Jim reached the mouth of the corridor and pause, he turned to meet Spock's gaze as he spoke.

" Good night Spock."

" Good night Jim." Replied Spock with a nod, though in his mind he called Jim T'hy'la.

With a lingering look at the remaining person with whom he had now finally begun to mend his relationship with, Jim nodded and turned away disappearing down the corridor towards the turbo-lift that would take him back up to the upper deck where his quarters were located. Jim Kirk quickly made his way to the turbo-lift and used it to go up. When he reached his deck he stepped out of the turbo-lift and all but ran for his quarters. Once he was inside his quarters his knees finally gave out, his back collided with the silver door to his living area and he slid down the smooth surface till he was sitting on the floor, propped up against the door. He drew his kneed up to his chest and hugged them tightly with his arms.

Words could not begin to describe what Jim Kirk was feeling inside right here and now in this moment.

With a loud gasp he finally let the dam break. But as tears coursed like raging rivers down his face, he didn't sob in despair. Instead a small, happy grin spread across his face as he began to laugh softly. He was crying and he was laughing at the same time, an inherent contradiction yet he was doing just that. He cried and he laughed in the privacy and safety of his quarters. But above all this he did one important thing, he whispered two words to no one in particular.

" Thank you."

Then he simply buried his face into his arms and let the raging emotions inside of him run their course.

Meanwhile, back down in the observation deck a long figure still dressed in a blue uniform now stood before the window that a young blond man had been standing before minutes before. He stood there tall and silent as he gazed out at the star filled blackness of Space, hands folded lightly behind his back. But in the silence something unheard of happened in those silent minutes.

From dark almost black eyes a single clear drop of liquid spilled free and carved a slow, curved path down a pale cheek before falling away from a pale jaw.

Spock breathed in deeply and then slowly reached up with one of his hands, smoothly wiping away the single thin line of fluid that lingered over his pale skin. Then blinking and reigning in his emotions in proper Vulcan fashion, Spock returned his gaze to the star filled heavens outside and whispered two simple words.

" Thank you."

He would later ponder why he had said these two words to no one in particular. His Vulcan half would deduce it to be a simply lapse into illogic do to being slightly emotionally compromised from the very charged conversation he had just ended minutes before. But his human side would see it simply as showing gratitude to that strange way the Universe works.