Disclaimer: I don't own anything Star Trek it is all property of Gene Roddenberry, J.J. Abrams, Paramount, and whoever else owns rights to the franchise. I am not making any profits off of this so please don't sue me.

.

Chapter 28

.

" I gotta hand it to him, Selik sure knows how to pack a punch without actually punching anybody with his fist." Jim said with a soft sigh as he gazed up at the ceiling of his bedroom area while laying flat on his back on his bed, his pale blue eyes slightly reddened from the sting of recently shed saline.

" Indeed, the Elder's words possess a great deal of impact, far more than any physical blow ever could." Came Spock's baritone voice, laced with a slight fatigue that stemmed from the very emotionally difficult and draining recount he had just given Jim.

The two of them were currently laying side by side on Jim's bed, flat on their backs with barely an inch separating them. After they had stood in the living room area for a good ten minutes, locked in a tight embrace, Jim had all but dragged Spock into his bedroom area and shoved the Vulcan onto the bed before climbing in himself. They had laid facing one another as Jim waited with good amount of patience for Spock to talk to him of his own accord, at his own pace. At first Spock gave a slightly halting account of how Spock Prime had gripped him by the pointed ear and all but dragged him inside the elder's house. To this Jim gave a small smile as he watched Spock flush a deep olive green with embarrassment. But the humor quickly faded as Spock recounted Elder Selik's deep anger and disgust at everything he had been made aware of. Spock recounted of how deep the elder's despair for them both had been. And then, Spock told Jim of Elder Selik's advice to him, about how he needed to forgive himself for the part he had played in Jim's suffering if he had any desire at all to move forward with his life, and his relationship with the human. By the end of Spock's recounting, Jim had a few tears coursing down his face, tears that Spock took it upon himself to wipe away.

Elder Selik's heartache, and the fact that despite everything, he still wanted the best for Jim and for Spock was truly humbling to both the human and the younger Vulcan. Now the pair lay in the quite aftermath, quietly marveling at the power that a seemingly frail looking elder Vulcan still possessed in a universe and time that were not even originally his own.

It was Spock who finally broke the silence that blanketed them.

" I understand Elder Selik's words, but I am deeply unsure as to how I am to actually enact his advice." He said quietly.

Jim's brow knitted together in a light frown of confusion as he shifted onto his side so that he was facing Spock as he spoke.

" What do you mean by that Spock?" He asked.

Spock slowly turned his head so that he could meet Jim's imploring gaze. Spock held Jim's gaze for a long moment, seeming to lose himself in those striking blue eyes before he finally took a breath and spoke.

" How am I supposed to forgive myself Jim?" He asked softly.

The way Spock looked at Jim when he said this had the young man fighting desperately not to look away and start bawling without shame. There was so much pain and self-loathing in Spock's dark eyes, and Jim just hated seeing it there. Pausing a moment to make sure he had his emotions under moderate control, Jim spoke.

" Spock, I think you are already on your way to doing that." He said with a smile.

" What do you mean my that Jim?" Spock asked, silently perplexed.

" What I mean is that we've already gotten so far, you and me." Jim replied before he closed the sparse distance between himself and Spock so that he could drape his arm across Spock's chest and his face was hovering just a few inches above the Vulcan's, holding Spock's gaze unwaveringly as he continued.

" We're here, we're together. We still have a lot we have to deal with. But I know that in time, you'll forgive yourself for hurting me like you did. I think one day you'll just realize that what happened, happened. You'll realize that you made some really, really bad mistakes, but that these mistakes aren't supposed to be like chains that tie you down and keep you from living your life the way you want to live it. It'll be pretty hard, but knowing you, you'll be able to forgive yourself like Elder Selik told you to." Jim finished with a soft smile.

" When you say that I can achieve it, then of course I will." Spock said softly as he reached up to gently grasp Jim's wrist where it was draped across his chest.

Jim's smile widened as he nodded, but then it dimmed as a troubled look filled his countenance.

" Jim, what is wrong?" Spock asked, immediately concerned by the rapid change of Jim's expression.

Jim was silent for a moment before he let out a soft snort of self derision and shook his head as he spoke.

" Look at me, here I am giving you advice on how to move forward when I've barely done any moving forward myself." Jim said with a heavy sigh as he lowered himself down onto the bed beneath him, a distant look filling his striking blue eyes.

" What do you mean by this Jim?" Spock asked as he shifted onto his side and lay facing Jim, still holding the human's wrist in his firm but gentle grasp.

" What I mean is that, I'm laying here telling you that you'll be able to forgive yourself for you mistakes, that you'll be able to move forward once you have. But Spock, I feel a little hypocritical in saying all that." Jim said sadly.

" Why do you feel this way Jim?" Spock asked. " It is illogical." He added.

Jim took in a deep breath before he gathered his nerve, knowing that what he was going to say next would be very hard to endure, for both himself and for the Vulcan he loved laying before him awaiting an answer.

" I told you that your mistakes shouldn't be like chains that hold you down and keep you from living, but Spock, I've been letting what happened to me, what It'Vek... What It'Vek did to me do exactly that, I've let it chain me down and keep me from the way I want to live my life." Jim said shakily.

" Jim, you have done no such thing, you are here, you have resumed your duties as Captain, you have rebuilt yourself from that which would have destroyed a lesser man, you found it within you to forgive me, unworthy as I am, for my trespasses against you. In my eyes, you have not allowed yourself to be chained down, as you say." Spock said with conviction.

To this, he watched as a faint flush of color filled Jim's pale features for a few moments, no doubt from mild embarrassment at the way Spock had so openly spoken of his so-called strength. Spock was just about to apologize for causing Jim any sort of embarrassment when Jim cut him off.

" I want you." He said bluntly, looking Spock dead in the eye.

Spock was stunned into silence at these three simple words. For a moment he seemed to forget his ability to speak. It didn't matter to Jim as he pushed himself up into a sitting position and looked to Spock, silently asking him to do the same. Spock immediately understood and pushed himself up as well. They sat on Jim's bed, facing each other as Jim continued.

" I want you so bad Spock, that sometimes I feel liked I'm drowning. It drives me crazy that you aren't there beside me at night when I'm in bed on the ship. I hate that you're in your quarters right next door, that there's a metal wall that separates me from you. I've actually gotten up from bed in the middle of the night and found myself just standing there staring at the door to the bathroom that joins our quarters, but as you know, that's all I've been doing, just staring at the door and not actually stepping through it to get to your quarters and be with you. Do you wanna know why Spock?" Jim asked, his eyes slightly over bright and his voice holding within it a light tremor.

" Why Jim? What keeps you from me?" Spock asked softly, almost whispering it.

To this, Jim clenched his jaw tightly and swiftly rose from the bed where he and Spock were sitting. The young man took the few steps to the arched window that stood a few feet from his bed and stood with his back to Spock and his arms crossed tightly, tension in every line of his body. Spock slowly rose from the bed as well, and took a few steps towards Jim when the human spoke without turning to face him.

" Terror, terror is what keep me from you Spock." Came Jim's hollow voice.

The sound of it had Spock feeling like all the blood in his veins had turned to ice. In an instant, Spock was crossing the distance to where Jim was standing and reached out towards the human. Spock firmly gripped Jim by the shoulder and made him turn around so that they could face each other. Much to Spock slight chagrin, Jim barely gave any resistance to this light man-handling. When he had Jim fully turned around and facing him, Spock inhaled a sharp breath at what his eyes beheld. Jim's blue eyes were a dull, cloudy grey, and they were down-cast. In every line of the young man's face there was silent, abject misery. It was as if all the Hell Jim had suffered had returned in one fell swoop, and the very sight of it to Spock made the Vulcan feel physically ill.

Without pausing to give it any thought, Spock reached out with blinding speed and took Jim's pale face into his hand. Jim jolted, clearly startled by Spock's action. His blue eyes shot up from where they had been gazing unseeing at the floor and looked up to stare at Spock wide with shock. Spock's hands were firm and warm against his cheeks, making Jim unconsciously let out a small sigh at the unexpected contact.

" Tell me what it is that is causing you to feel such terror, tell me so that I may eradicate with all due swiftness." Spock said with veiled urgency.

To hear Spock desire to alleviate what was plaguing him with such open earnestness made something inside Jim both swell and ache. With a shaky breath, Jim forced himself to keep meeting Spock's dark eyed gaze and answer.

" I-It'Vek." Jim said softly, all but whispering the name of the monster who had caused him so much pain.

" But he has long been dead Jim, that vile animal met his rightful end at the hands of the authorities he was making a truly futile attempt to escape from." Spock said firmly.

" That's just it Spock, that evil son of a bitch is dead, but... I'm still carrying what he did to me Spock, I still feel the terror he put me through it's like these are my chains, like your guilt is yours, and no matter how hard I try I just can't get free of them. That blue scaled monster robbed me Spock." Jim said, his jaw starting to tremble a little while his eyes stung with the onslaught of bitter salt.

" What do you mean Jim?" Spock asked.

Jim bit back a sob and looked down, shaking his head as he screwed his eyes shut tightly to stave off the tears. When he felt he had composed himself somewhat, Jim looked back up at Spock with reddened eyes and spoke.

" He robbed me of my own body." Jim gritted out, agony marring every line of his face as he continued. " I may have been drugged, but I can still remember things, like the stink of his breath, the way his... the way his scales f-felt on my skin. I remember how he shoved me against the conference table and undid my pants instead of ripping them before he... before he... Oh God."

It was here that Jim could speak no further, too overwhelmed by the memories and emotions of his ordeal as tears began to roll down his ashen cheeks. The very sight of it made Spock want to bring It'Vek back from the dead so he could kill him all over again, rend the Antarian limb from limb with his bare hands. But, that was impossible no matter how deeply he desired it. It'Vek was dead and gone, but Jim, the survivor of his vile acts was alive and in dire need. No standing it for one more second, Spock yanked Jim into his arms and squeezed him with a good amount of force. Jim let out a small cry of startled pain at the tight embrace, but soon he was melting into it, and soaking up the comfort and protection Spock was silently and freely giving him.

" It'Vek is in whatever dark afterlife he earned for himself." Spock whispered into Jim's ear before he tightened his already steel-like hold around Jim and continued. " You are here Jim, we are here. What do you need from me Jim? Tell me what you need from me, and I shall do it."

Hearing his own words from earlier repeated by Spock, Jim smiled against the Vulcan's neck despite himself as he spoke.

" I guess it's my turn to tell you that I need you to stay with me." Jim said softly before he continued. " Can we stay like this for a little while?"

" Of course Jim, for as long as you require." Spock replied.

" In addition, I do not have a desire to let you go even after this requirement of yours has been met." He added.

This simple statement served to bring a fresh wave of tears to Jim's pale blue eyes, only these were not tears of haunted despair, but tears of gratitude and love.

" I love you Spock." Jim whispered softly, but Spock with his sharp Vulcan sense of hearing heard it loud and clear.

" I love thee in return Jim." Spock replied as he nuzzled his face into Jim's golden-brown hair.

All conversation ceased after that, and things remained engulfed in this silence for a good long while, which was broken only by the occasional hitched breath from Jim or the soothing word from Spock that followed.

Later on, after Jim's turbulent emotions had finally run their course...

" I guess it's my turn to be embarrassed about losing it." Jim said with a self-depricating laugh as he swiped a hand across his dry, slightly puffy eyes.

He and Spock were sitting side by side against the headboard of Jim's bed. Where he sat beside Jim, Spock tilted his head as a show of his confusion as he spoke.

" Jim, it is quite illogical for you to feel embarrassment over expressing your emotions so openly, you are human after all." He said as a means of reassurance.

Jim chuckled and shook his head before he spoke.

" So you're saying that you have a monopoly of embarrassment at showing your emotions because you're the Vulcan in this relationship?" He asked teasingly.

Spock was silent for a moment before he spoke.

" Of course not Jim." He said with a faint, mischievous glint in his dark eyes.

Jim just rolled his eyes and playfully punched Spock's arm before he spoke.

" I don't know about you but I am drained in every sense of the word." He said with a sigh.

" Indeed, this evening has been, most taxing for us both." Spock said with a nod.

Jim silently stared at Spock for a moment, the Vulcan staring back. There was so much that was left between them, issues that hung over them like dark clouds that stubbornly refused to give way to the light of the sun.

" How do we even begin to start getting back to the physical love that we had before Spock?" Jim asked softly as he reached out and cupped the Vulcan's pale cheek.

" I do not know the correct answer to your question Jim." Spock replied as he leaned into Jim's touch and reached up to cover the young man's warm hand with his own as he continued.

" Perhaps the solution to our dilemma is a simple one."

" What's your solution Spock?" Jim asked curiously.

" I propose that we not take any drastic step, and simple carry on with our relationship as we have been doing thus far." Spock replied.

A slow, warm smile spread across Jim's face before he swiftly leaned in and gently sealed his lips over Spock's in an unexpected, but definitely not unwelcome kiss. Spock was stunned for a few moments but soon he was responding in kind to Jim's affection. When they drew away, Jim grinned brightly at the pale green flush that colored Spock's normally pale cheeks.

" I like your way of thinking Mr. Spock." Jim said softly.

" I am please you do Captain." Spock replied just as softly.

The two stayed in this quiet closeness for several long moments before Spock spoke, suddenly struck with an idea as to how they could spend the day tomorrow.

" Jim, an idea has come to mind as to how we may spend the day tomorrow." Spock said.

" Well, let's hear it Spock." Jim said. " What do you have in mind?"

" Jim, how open are you to domestic animals?" Spock asked.

" I like them well enough, never had any problems with cats or dog, probably one of the few things in the universe I'm not deathly allergic to." Jim said with a shrug and a slightly sheepish grin.

" Why do you ask?" Jim asked.

Spock's eyes were warm with his version of a smile as he began to explain just where he had it in mind to take Jim tomorrow after breakfast.

Later on, when Jim and Spock reluctantly parted from each other with a final chaste kiss, and had retired to their separate bedroom areas, Jim finally went to sleep with a smile playing on his lips.

He couldn't wait for tomorrow, where Spock was going to give him the grand tour of the Vulcan colony, culminating with them heading over to a small breeder's facility just across the city.

A facility dedicated first and foremost to the breeding of healthy young Sehlats.