Jason's Point of View

I stare up at the ceiling as Piper talks and it strikes me how much it looks like popcorn. I'm on my bed, lying on my back, with my phone pressed up to my ear. PIper's going on and on about something, and I'm not paying the slightest bit of attention. I toss a plush basketball into the air and catch it as it comes back down.

"Jason? Are you there?"

"What? Oh yeah- sorry, I-"

She sighs. You're not even listening to me, are you?"

"Of course I am," I say, though I know she's too smart and knows me too well to believe that.

"Let me guess: You're thinking about Nico."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I laugh.

She's right though; I can't get him out of my head. I didn't know it was possible to care about someone this much. And I never thought it would be Nico. He's small, and self-destructive, and his eyes are dark and exhausted and full of hurt. He's bitter and untrusting and defensive. He's not the kind of person you imagined yourself with when you were a kid. But he's beautiful. I can't explain it; he's not what you'd call conventionally attractive, especially not when he's this thin. But you can't help but want to just keep looking at him, like he's a piece of art. And he makes me feel real and alive and like something I can't define, something I've never felt before.

"Hello? Earth to Jason!"

"I'm here. Hey, question," I begin, before she can say anything else.

"Shoot," she says, exasperated.

I take a breath. She's my best friend in the whole world, and I'm not ashamed, but I still feel nervous. "How did you know you were gay?"

This seems to take her by surprise. "Um. I looked at a girl and I was like 'nice'," she laughs, and I do too. "Why are you asking? Does this mean what I think it means?"

I laugh but ignore the question. "Seriously, though, Pipes. How did you know?"

There's a pause. "It's hard to say. I mean, it's not like I never thought boys were cute, you know? Looking back, I realize now that I always forced myself to have crushes on them, because everybody else had them. That was the normal thing to do, right? I mean, how was I supposed to know what a real crush felt like? There was never anything there, with boys. No chemistry, or whatever you want to call it. With girls… I don't know how else to describe it, other than the way they do in the movies. Fireworks, butterflies, all that junk. Not to mention I was always fiercely protective and possessive with female friends. Now, do I get to know why you're asking?"

I don't know if butterflies is the word I would use to describe what it feels like. And it's not just in my stomach; it's everywhere. I feel… fuzzy all over, when I'm with him. And warm, like someone's lit a fire in my chest. When we're together, and he's happy, I feel almost giddy. And when he's not happy, I get this lump in my throat and this ache somewhere deep within me. And I just want to be near him all of the time.

I take another deep breath. "I think I'm bisexual."

"I totally called it!" she screams in my ear.

"Uh, what?" I mutter, dumbfounded.

"Well I know you used to like me, obviously, but now there's Nico, and I could have sworn there was one time you checked out Percy. Reyna and I have been arguing over this for weeks. Of course, she was hoping you'd be pans, like her."

I laugh. "Of course you would already know. I can't hide anything from you.

"Nope," she says smugly, and I'm betting that she has a huge smile on her face.

I smile. I couldn't have asked for a better best friend.

"So what's going on with him, anyways?"

"With Nico?"

"Yeah," she says. "I mean, you kind of befriended him out of nowhere, and now you're super protective of him. All you do is talk to him or about him. Then there was that whole thing in English yesterday…"

"Oh. That. I can't- It wouldn't be fair of me to tell you anything. He's just- he's going through some stuff."

For a moment, all I hear is her breathing. Then she says, "Stuff like what I went through?"

Dammit. I always underestimate how smart she is. I should have learned by now.

I don't respond and she says, "Okay, okay, I get it. I surrender. Tell me this though- What's going on between you and him?"

That is a good question. I think he likes me, but what if I'm just being full of myself? I know we held hands last night, but he was kind of distressed. To say the least. He might have thought I was just trying to be a good friend and comforting him. He might not even be gay- or bi, or whatever; when I told him about Piper he said he wasn't going through a "sexuality crisis".

I could be reading too deeply into everything.

"I don't know," I admit. "I- last night I went to see him, and we- we held hands. But I don't know what that means, really-"

"Are you serious?" She interrupts, a little too loudly. I hold the phone away from my ear. "I'll tell you what it means- He totally likes you! I mean, I was already pretty sure that he did before, but this just confirms it!"

"Hey, woah, Pipes, calm down. Even if he does, there's another problem."

"Uh oh," she says, enthusiasm fading. "What's that?"

"I'm not sure- how do I word this- that a- a relationship or anything like that is a good idea right now. For him, I mean. He's kind of… unstable. I think he might need like, real help. I can't- I can't fix him."

"I think it's really good that you've already realized that," she says. "A lot of people don't."

"Well how could I not? With you, and my mom…"

"I know this isn't what you want to hear. But have you thought about, maybe… telling someone about this? Someone who can actually help him."

I consider this. "He would hate me."

"I don't think so. He'd be angry, maybe really angry, but he'd forgive you. He'd be grateful in the long run."

"Yeah, I just- I don't know. I don't think you understand how hard it's been to get him to trust me, even just a little bit. I don't want to ruin that."

"Jason, if it's as serious as you make it sound…"

"I know, I know. Is it selfish of me to want him to trust me?"

"No. But I don't know if you understand that he's sick. If you found out he had cancer, would you keep that a secret from his family?"

"No, of course not, I- I don't know. I'll figure it out, okay?"

She sighs. "I know. Just- take good care of him, will you? Because I- I remember what it was like to not be able to take care of myself. But don't forget to make sure you take care of yourself, too."

"Okay, Pipes, I-"

Then my mother knocks at the door. I tell Piper that I have to go and tell my mom to come in. She opens the door but stays standing in the doorway, though she really looks like she should sit down.

"Did you invite someone here?" Her tone is almost as cold as she looks. She's shivering, even in warm pajamas and wrapped up in a fleece blanket. She sounds distant, and she's looking down at her feet in her fuzzy socks, so I know that's she's anxious. Strangers- well, people in general- really set her off. And now she's mad at me, though I have no idea who would come here. Her bad mood will probably last days; malnutrition seems to make people especially irritable.

"Uh, no," I say truthfully. "Is someone here? Who is it? Did you let him in?" I ask, considering the possibility that it could be Nico.

"Her," she spits out. "Why don't you go and see for yourself?"

What girl would visit me? Piper and Reyna both know better, and I can't think of any one else who would want to.

"You didn't let her in?" I ask, irritated but not surprised.

I jump off my bed and peer out the window to see a girl with bouncing caramel curls turning away from the door- Hazel. I should for her to wait, but the window's closes, and she can't hear. I turn back towards the door, squeeze past my mom, ignoring her look of distaste, and run down the stairs. I rush out the door without shoes on.

"Hazel?" I call after her. "Wait!"

She's already halfway back to a silver truck parked on the opposite side of the street. Frank is sitting in the driver's seat. She turns back around to look at me.

"Jason!" She smiles as she walks back towards me, but it doesn't reach her eyes. That's how I know this is about Nico; it's only when she's worried about him that she forgets her usual optimism.

I can't invite her inside, obviously, though I wish I could. Instead, I motion for her to follow me, and we sit down on a curb.

"So," I say with a smile. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

She sighs. "I know you know what's going on with Nico."

I'm taken aback by how direct and to the point she is. "I- Uh-"

She cuts me off. "I know you know.

"I- Yeah," I say, at a loss. "But, I mean, he's trusting me not to say anything." I feel guilty for saying that. I'm still thinking of my conversation with Piper, and wondering if I should tell her. What if he ends up seriously hurting himself? Or if he ends up starving himself to death?" But he already has the hardest time trusting people. He doesn't even trust me fully yet; I know there's more to his story than what he's told me. I don't want to ruin what little trust he does have for e by spilling his secrets, even just to Hazel.

"Jason, I'm his sister. He can trust me."

"He does trust you. But just- he's not ready to talk about it. You know how he is. I'm sue he'll tell you when he is ready." There's a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. The words I'm giving her are empty.

"What if he's never ready? Look, Jason, I wouldn't ask if this wasn't serious. You've seen him, he looks like he hasn't eaten a proper meal in weeks."

"He's not anorexic," I tell her, decided I should at least clear that up. "Or bulimic or anything like that. He's just- he's lost his appetite. Eating makes him feel sick." Part of me hopes that'll help give it away; loss of appetite is one of the most common symptoms of depression.

"Why? Do you think he's sick? Like really sick with something?" Her eyes bore into me, filled with worry, searching for answers. In a way, they remind me of Nico's.

"No," I say, after consideration. Mental illness is still illness. But I don't think that's what she's talking about. "It's nothing like that. Just- he need to slowly start eating more. Build up his appetite again. Expecting him to eat Chinese food and hamburgers- that's not going to work."

She nods, playing with a strand of her hair. "But why? He can't- I know that when I lost my mom, I barely ate for weeks. But Bianca has been gone for over a year. He can't still be grieving like that, can he? I mean missing her and being sad is one thing, but he should be getting better by now, shouldn't he?"

I shrug. "Everybody deals with loss differently."

People like Nico, and my mom, who already had underlying issues- loss can trigger something beyond the grief most people feel.

I look her in the eye. "He's going to be fine. I promise. Just make sure that he knows you're there for him. He'll tell you what's going on, probably when he figures out what's going on."

Reluctantly, she nods. Frank is staring at us through his truck's windshield, and Hazel holds up a finger as if to say, "I'll be there in a minute."Then she turns back to me.

"He's sensitive, you know. He's not like you."

Why does everyone seem to think I'm insensitive? Just because I play sports?

"Be careful with him," she says, resigned. The sinking feeling in my stomach worsens. She's deciding to trust me with him, but I'm still not even sure I'm making the right choice. I've never been any help to my mom, besides with like, first-aid stuff. What makes me think I can help him?