Chapter 18

Nico's Point of View

"Do we really have to do this? I'm pretty sure that nobody will notice if we don't go."

"Yes," Jason replies, even though I've already asked this about a million times, and he must be getting annoyed. "I already told everyone that we're coming."

"Remind me again why I agreed to this? Parties aren't really my thing."

"Nico, besides us, there's going to be seven people. Two of whom you live with. The rest of them sit at your table at school. I'm not sure that I'd really call it a party."

"If it's not a party, then why am I wearing a tie?" I point out. "I look completely ridiculous."

"You look good," he says, stepping closer to me. "Permission to kiss?"

I pout at him before rolling my eyes and saying, "Permission granted."

The kiss is small and sweet, but every bit as exciting as the first one.

But after it, I turn away. Sometimes I still find it hard to look into his eyes when I speak. "I just- I haven't seen them since, you know, they found out."

Annabeth, Frank, and Leo were the only ones who didn't know about me. Annabeth figured it out on her own, shortly after Percy did. Then Frank and Leo, who aren't exactly best friends, got together and demanded to know what was going on. It was causing quite a bit of drama, so I decided to let Hazel tell them. Well, as much as they needed to know.

I was just hoping I'd never have to show my face around them again.

But now it's New Year's Eve, and Piper's throwing what is definitely a party; anything with more than two people is a party. And somehow, Jason talked me into making an appearance. It might possibly be because he promised he'd spend the rest of the night with me.

"They're good people, you know," he says. "You trust me, right?"

Hesitantly, I turn back to him and I nod.

"Well I trust them. They understand, and just want for you to get better."

Quietly, I say, "I want to get better, too."

"I know," he says. "And I know you're trying. But I also know that you did it again."

"What?"

"You cut. Your side."

"How did you-?"

"I can read minds," he says mystically, like the massive dork that he is. "Now, can I see?"

"It's not bad," I say quickly.

"I know," he responds. "But still- I'd like to see, if that's okay with you."

Slowly, I nod, even though I'd rather not. This time wasn't like the other times. I lift my shirt up. On my side, a little bit above my hip, there's a word carved in angry red letters:

Shame.

He sighs and closes his eyes. "Nico…"

"I'm sorry," I say, closing my eyes, too. And it's true. I hate myself for what I put him through.

He steps close to me and wraps his arms around my shoulders. I wrap mine around his waist, and he rests his head on top of mine. I've never liked being touched, but for some reason, I find comfort in his.

"I didn't know you still felt that way. Nobody's said anything…?"

"No," I say. My voice is small. "But it's what they don't say. It's the way they worry about me, and the way they pity me, and the way they all watch me like I'm a child. And it's… I don't know. Why did I do this to myself?"

He pulls away from me and grabs onto my arms gently. He looks me right in the eye, with his eyes bluer than the sky, and says, "You've gone through a lot. You-"

"Oh, don't start with that bullshit about me being 'strong' or whatever. That's not what it's like and you know it."

"I know. I know. Just- it doesn't make you weak either. Everyone has problems. Everyone has shit to deal with. In this case, you had quite a lot. And you just…dealt with it differently than most people. But that's nothing to be ashamed of."

"Why are you making me go to this party? Honest answer."

"You know, I think you're underestimating the effect you have on people. They like you."

"Ah, yes, that's why they ignored me until you took an interest in me."

"Well, to be fair, you kind of closed yourself off. But you can be quite charming when you want to be."

"Wow, thanks," I say, freeing myself from his grasp.

"Wait," he says, pulling me back. "Promise me you'll come to me next time."

"Next time-?"

"Next time you want to, you know."

It bothers me that everyone just says "you know" or "you know what" or trails off instead of saying it. Instead of saying that I cut myself. I think that they're ashamed of it, too.

"I don't think you'd want me to do that."

"Why not?" he questions.

"I don't want to bother you that often."

"You don't bother me."

I don't respond. I don't want to become dependent on him. I don't want to become that needy. It seems that it's only when you need someone that they decide to leave. Or the world decides to take them away.
"Well, let's go then," I decide. I check myself in the mirror one last time. I'm wearing a black button down shirt with a red tie and my nicest pair of black skinny jeans. Sally cut my hair a few days ago, but it's still unruly. I don't look as thin as I used too, but still too thin for someone my age and height. I look like I'm twelve. Jason, on the other hand, looks amazing. He's wearing a blue button down that brings out his eyes with a pair of dark jeans. I keep staring at him on accident, and I'm pretty sure he knows. Oops.

Percy, Annabeth, and Hazel are waiting for us in the kitchen. Percy's wearing a purple tie that matches Annabeth's blouse and Hazel's in a pretty black dress. You know, I don't really understand the point in getting dressed up just to see the friends you see everyday anyways.

People are weird.

Annabeth drives, and Hazel is a shotgun-calling queen, so Jason, Percy, and I are in the back. Jason holds my hand the entire way there, even though our palms get sweaty. Every time Jason looks away, Percy either, winks, makes a face, or wiggles his eyebrows at me. I stick my tongue at him right as Jason turns to look at me, and he raises his eyebrows, looking confused. Percy laughs into his hand and I shrug at Jason.

When we arrive, Piper, Reyna, Leo, and Frank are sitting in a circle on the living room floor around a couple boxes of pizza and a few bottles of sparkling apple cider. We join them, and, feeling nervous, I sit unnecessarily close to Jason. He doesn't seem to mind.

Piper gets up to hug me, and Reyna smiles at me. The others awkwardly tell me "hi". As much as Jason says they like me, I really seem to make them uncomfortable.

"So what's happening," Percy says as he helps himself to three slices of pizza.

"Well, Reyna, Leo, and I have just discovered Frank has never played Truth or Dare in his entire life."

He holds his hands up in defense. 'My grandma is strict!"

"What?" Hazel says, appalled. "Truth or Dare, is like, the classic middle school game."

"Well we're not in middle school, are we? Personally, I don't understand the appeal."

She pushes him playfully. "Well I vote we show him."

"I second that," Piper says, chewing happily on a piece of pizza.

I do not second that motion. Truth or Dare is the stuff of nightmares. I give Jason the most menacing glare I can muster, but he just squeezes my hand and says, 'You don't have to play if you don't want to. But you have to eat something." Then he slides me his plate.

I wrinkle my nose but he just gives me a look that says, "Well, go on." Reluctantly, I take a bite.

"So," Piper says, clasping her hands together and sitting up straighter. "Frank, truth or dare?"

He shifts uncomfortably before saying, "Um… Dare?"

Piper smiles. "I dare you to do your best impression of Leo."

Leo smirks. "Well he can try, but I'm one of a kind."

Frank starts jiggling his legs and playing with his hands. He makes his voice go high pitched, way higher than Leo's actually is, and says, "Well he can try, but I'm one of a kind." Then he flexes his muscles and kisses them.

"Hey!" Leo protests. "I don't do that. It's more like you're imitating Jason."

"Halloween? Last year?"

"Oh," Leo says, embarrassed. "That."

Frank nods. "So is it my turn then?"

"Yup," Piper says cheerfully. "Choose anyone in the room."

"Jason,"

"Uh, truth," Jason says nervously.

"Hmm," Frank considers. "How much time do you spend on your hair every morning?"

Jason laughs his easy, golden laugh. "What do you mean? I wake up with it like this."

"Are you kidding?" Piper says. "He spends longer on his than I do on mine! At least half an hour."

"Shh!" Jason tells her. "You're ruining the illusion."

"Trust me, man," Leo says. "You're not fooling anyone."

"Leo," Jason says narrowing his eyes evilly. "Truth or dare?"

"Dare," he says, without hesitation.

"Let Piper do your makeup."

Leo narrows his eyes back. But then he says, "Fine," nonchalantly. "Bring it on."

Piper excitedly runs upstairs and returns a few minutes later with a bag filled with what I presume to be makeup. Sure enough, she sits down in front of Leo and pulls out a bottle of skin-colored stuff.

"My skin's a little bit darker than yours, but this should do."

She pours some of it onto her hand and begins dabbing it onto his skin with a little sponge. Surprisingly, it actually looks good; it evens out his skin tone. Then she pulls out some dark powder and applies it around his face, adding contour.

"How's it looking so far?" he asks.

Piper shushes him. "You're ruining my concentration."

Next she tells him to make fish lips and brushes this pink powdery stuff onto his cheeks. Then comes eyeliner and mascara and- voila.

He actually looks kind of pretty.

He flutters his eyelashes and blows Jason a kiss. Then he flexes his muscles and kisses them, the way Frank did earlier.

Everyone laughs, and I join in.

"So, my turn to pick," Leo says after the laughter dies down. "Beauty Queen! Truth or Dare?'

"Um… I feel that truth is a safer option at the moment."

He nods. "Your mistake. Who's a better kisser, Reyna or Jason?"

She spits out her drink. "What? How do you even know about that?"

"You've kissed Piper?" I demand, a little louder than I mean to.

Everyone laughs. Oops.

"Yeah, in like the sixth grade. I'm not sure that really counts."

"Yeah, and, given as I am a raging homosexual, I think I'm going to have to go with Reyna. Sorry Jason."

Jason pretends to look offended.

"My turn again!" Piper says gleefully. "So, Percy,-"

"Oh, no," he says.

"Truth or Dare?"

"Um," he turns to Annabeth. "What do you think?"

She shrugs. "Personally, I don't think you'd look as good in blush as Leo does."

"You're right. Truth it is."

"Truth…" Piper says, tapping her chin. "What's your biggest insecurity?"

"I don't have one," he says, puffing up his chest. "I'm fearless."

"Ha," Annabeth says. "I call bullshit."

He sticks his tongue out at her. "Fine. Um, I guess probably my, you know, ADHD and Dyslexia. Most people just tend to think I'm stupid. So yeah."

"Aw," Annabeth says with mock pity. "It's not your fault your brain is full of seaweed."

She laughs and kisses him.

It doesn't even bother me.

Blushing, he pulls away. "So is it my turn, then? Um… Annabeth."

"Dare," she says, though she seems hesitant. I can't imagine wanting to do a dare from Percy.

"Hm," he says. "I dare you to shove an entire piece of pizza into your mouth."

Everyone laughs. "Seriously, Percy?"

"What?" he says, innocently.

"You're not very good at this," Annabeth says. Nonetheless, she reaches forward and grabs a slice- a big one. She folds it up strategically before opening her mouth as wide as she can and shoving the whole thing in.

Damn. I don't think I could do that even if I wanted to.

Everyone cheers as she finishes chewing. She stands up and takes a bow.

"Nico," she says turning to me.

Fuck.

"Uh, yeah?"

"Truth or dare?"

Is there a third option? Truth seems like a really bad idea, but then again, if I do a dare it'll draw too much attention to me.

Ultimately, I decide on dare.

She smiles slyly at me. "I dare you to go egg Dylan's house."

"Uh- What? How am I supposed to-?"

"He lives like three houses from here," she informs me. "You have eggs, right, Pipes?"

She nods, jumping up and heading towards the kitchen.

"It's only like, ten," I say, shaking my head. "They're probably all still awake."

"Well, you'll just have to be sneaky, then, won't you?"

Jason looks at me and shrugs. "He deserves it."

I can't argue with that. Slowly, I nod, and stand up. "Well, let's go then."

Everyone cheers.

"Wait," Piper says, coming back with a couple of cartons of eggs. "I'll get face paint."

"Is that really necessary, babe?" Reyna asks.

"Of course it is!" she says before disappearing up the stairs.

Reyna looks to me and rolls her eyes.

"We might as well TP it, too," Annabeth says. Then she follows Piper up the stairs.

"Your friends are crazy," I say, turning to Jason.

"I know," he says happily.

Fifteen minutes later, we're all walking in a big huddle to Dylan's house, our faces streaked with black paint. I'm not sure what the point of it is, given none of us are really wearing black, and enough Christmas lights are still up that the street isn't exactly dark, but whatever. Frank and Jason are each holding a huge package of toilet paper rolls, and I've got four cartons of eggs.

This probably isn't going to end well.

Once we arrive, Frank and Jason distribute the toilet paper. I try to pass out some eggs, but Annabeth says that it's up to me to throw them all.

"Nico takes the first throw!" Jason says, whispering loudly to the group. I glare at him.

I pull one out and, as I get ready to throw it, I try to forget about everyone's eyes on me. I try to remember how that applesauce felt sliding down my skin. I remember the bruises I've had all over my back from getting pushed into lockers. I remember every "faggot", every "cocksucker", every "do everyone a favor and kill yourself already". I remember humiliation, I remember pain, I remember fear.

I close my eyes, swing my arm, and release the egg.

"Shit," Piper whispers. "You got his window."

Everyone cheers- well, as loudly as they can without calling attention to our presence.

"Alright, everybody, fan out!" Annabeth says, and everyone follows her command.

She comes up behind me and puts a hand on my shoulder. "Feels good, doesn't it?"

I nod.

"Keep going," she says before disappearing to the other side of the lawn.

I throw another, this time aiming for the front door. Then another, and another, and another, until his entire house is decorated with random globs of yellow. Gross.

Everyone else is doing a good job, too; I can barely see the lawn anymore, because it's covered with so much toilet paper. Jason somehow managed to get it all the way up on the roof, and Leo's throwing it up in a tree with Hazel's help. Frank and Annabeth are wrapping it around his car. Reyna, Piper, and Percy are decorating the flower bed with it

Ah, revenge is sweet.

I'm about to throw another egg when the blinds on Dylan's window are thrust open.

"Abort mission!" I shout as adrenaline pumps through my body, no longer bothering to be quiet.

Then we run.

As we do, I feel myself blending into the group. I'm in the very middle of it, but instead of freaking me out, this makes me feel safe and included. We've already reached the safety of Piper's front doorstep by the time Dylan even makes it outside. Once we're inside her front living room, we all collapse on the floor in fits of laughter.

"Ah, man, did you guys see his face?" Leo asks. "It was like-" He makes a comically surprised face.

"That'll show him," Piper says.

I can't remember ever having so much fun in my life.

But when Jason asks if I'm sure I don't want to stay all night, I say yes. So much interaction has exhausted me.

Besides, I want to be alone with him.

As we get ready to go, Annabeth comes up to me. "Hey," she says.

"Hey."

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry, about that day in the kitchen. When we asked if you were trying to starve yourself. It's just- I used to have an eating disorder. I thought I recognized the symptoms in you."

"Oh," I say, taken aback. "And, um, it's fine. No big deal."

She flashes me a smile. "I hope you get better, though."

Then she hugs me, and I let her.

"Thank you," I say, blinking back tears.

Reyna, Piper, and Hazel all come to hug me goodbye. For some reason, Reyna holds onto me the longest.

As we're walking out the door, Leo shouts, "Use protection!"

Jason runs back in to hit him.

Then he joins me in the car.

As we drive away, he says, "You know, I was almost expecting you to like, freak out and run away. But you did good."

"I wanted to. Several times."

"But you didn't."

A silence falls over us, and he turns on the radio. Some old Elvis song comes on.

"You know, all of your friends are fucked up."

"What?"

"Reyna had a drug addiction. Piper cut herself. Annabeth had an eating disorder."

"Leo's mom was killed in a fire he accidentally started when he was just a little kid."

"Shit, what?"

He nods. "Frank's mom died in Iraq. He lives with his Grandma now, because his father was abusive."

"Damn," I say. "I had no idea…"

"Of course you didn't. Because you keep shutting them all out. But this is what I've been trying to tell you. You don't have anything to be ashamed of. We're all fucked up in our own way. It's not just you.'

I don't respond the rest of the ride home.

The house is empty; Percy and Hazel stayed at Piper's house, and Paul and Sally are at a party at their friend's house. Jason and I have the place to ourselves. Still, though, after we make ourselves hot chocolate in the kitchen, we head up the stairs, into my room, and onto the roof.

This has sort of just become a thing with us.

"So," Jason says loudly. "Thought of a New Year's Resolution?"

I scoff. "What's the point? I always forget about those after a few days, anyways."

"It's a tradition!" he says, pretending to be outraged. "I've got one."

"Oh, really?" I say. "And what's that?"

"To become even more awesome than I already am."

He winks at me.

"Well, good luck with that," I say as I grab his hand. "You've already set a pretty high standard for yourself."

"True," he laughs. "So what's yours, then?"

I pull his arm onto my lap, still holding his hand. I run my fingers over his forearm. Then I roll my own sleeve up and do the same to my arm. His looks so different from mine; Mine's covered in these ugly red lines. His looks the way it's supposed to. Like a blank slate.

"The new year is supposed to be all about starting over, right?" I say

"Right."

"I just wish I could start over. I wish I could go back and undo all of this. Everything. The past like, ten years of my life."

I rest my head against his shoulder and he pulls his hand away from mine to wrap his arm around me. I hate myself for it, but I start to cry. All I ever do is cry.

"Hey," he says as he gently grabs my face and pulls it closer to his. "Look at me."

He wipes the tears pooling beneath my eyes. "It's going to be okay. Hey, look, it's two minutes until midnight."

I pull away from him. "I've never had a New Year's kiss before, you know."

"Neither have I, actually."

"Really?"

"Is it that surprising?"

"Given you've got a face like a male model and every girl in school is falling all over you, yeah," I say, sniffling.

"Oh, well, lucky you," he jokes. "One minute left."

One minute.

Thirty seconds.

Ten.

Nine.

Eight.

Seven.

Six.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

As he kisses me, the sky explodes into fireworks.

Afterwards, there's a moment, a perfect moment, in which neither of us speak. Neither of us speak, because we don't need to. It's almost bittersweet, though, because I know the moment will be over soon, and I know we'll never get it back. One day, we'll forget about it. But for now, as we look out at the stars, we feel as though we're looking out at infinity.

Jason is the one to break the silence.

"My name is Jason Grace, I'm seventeen years old, and I'm a cancer."

"Um, what are you doing?" I say, sitting up higher to look at him.

He gives me this perfect smile, and I find myself wishing I could grab it and put it in my pocket so that I could carry it everywhere I go. Then he says, "I'm starting over."

THE END