[A/N: Another ridiculously long chapter. Thanks to all the reviewers sticking with this. I started this story extremely uncertain but it's grown on me. Two more chapters to go!]
6.
"What did you do, exactly?" Maxwell asked nervously as he and Fran pulled up to the Ritz-Carlton Hotel.
"I told ya, she was feeling nervous for this party so I helped her," Fran repeated, checking her lipstick in the mirror. She unhooked her seat belt and exited the car, smiling to the valet as Maxwell handed him the keys.
"Yes, I know, darling, but what does that mean?" he asked, guiding her towards the door with a soft hand on her elbow. "I do wish you'd stay out of this entire affair."
"And I do wish you'd show some more concern for your two oldest friends," Fran remarked, irritation flaring up. They followed directions to the Emory Roth room and Fran had to suppress the urge to gawk at the surroundings. After attending comfortable gatherings and fun parties her entire life, it struck her how much effort rich people put into making guests "comfortable" when for her, it did the exact opposite.
Maxwell took her white faux-fur wrap and handed it and his coat to a young man standing in wait for it. They entered the room together and accepted flutes of champagne from a passing waiter. "I am concerned, but I don't know what good we can possibly do by interfering."
Fran took a sip and almost cooed as the bubbles went straight to her nostrils. "I made Miss Babcock laugh today. A lot. So I think I helped."
"She was laughing? At you?" Maxwell asked, surprised, as he sipped his own champagne.
"No, with me!" Fran replied with a grin. "So just have some fun and keep your eye out for Niles. He was not happy when I saw him this afternoon." Never a fan of his tuxedo, Niles had absolutely glowered as he left the manse to help set up for the party.
Maxwell tried to swallow his guilt and looked around for anyone else he might recognize.
Fran smacked his arm just as he was in mid-sip; champagne splashed over the front of his tuxedo. "There she is!"
Max mopped at his front with a cocktail napkin and looked up at CC. "She looks lovely, but I don't see how that's worth ruining my—"
"She looks beautiful," Fran breathed, clasping her hands at her chest like a proud mother. CC had kept glancing suspiciously at Fran as the nanny gave her directions from the passenger's seat of her BMW earlier that afternoon as they made their way towards Queens. And when they slowed to a halt in front of a shop full of garish, colorful outfits, CC had actually reached towards the ignition to start the car again and drive away, but Fran had been quicker. She'd yanked the keys from the ignition and hopped out of the car, shutting the door against CC's expletives.
But Rosie, the tailor of choice amongst the Jews of Queens, had outdone herself in a matter of hours. She had taken the dress BB chose, which originally left CC looking like a virginal peasant girl, and transformed CC into a goddess at sunrise. She had taken the matte satin of the dress and tailored it to CC's shape, and the chiffon overlay swirled around her curves, masking and revealing them depending on the sway of the dress. Both fabrics met to hug her waist, and the chiffon twisted at her breasts to add any accent that the sweetheart neckline may have missed.
Fran abandoned Maxwell and walked over to CC, unable to resist giving her a hug. CC returned the hug, somewhat awkwardly, and offered a smile to Fran. She had flatly refused to allow Fran to touch her hair, opting instead to twist and pin it back herself, but she had reluctantly agreed to let Fran do her makeup if—and only if—Fran kept a mirror in front of CC's face at all times to, quote, "prevent me from looking like a Barnum and Bailey reject."
"Miss Babcock, you're breath-taking," Fran told her, sincerely gushing.
"I know. Literally, I can barely breathe in this thing," CC said, tugging subtly at the top of her dress.
"The price we have to pay, eh?" Fran agreed, plucking at the skintight fabric of her own silver halter gown.
CC wanted to disagree and add that there was something else, another reason, but at that moment, she spotted her mother coming towards her. "Stay here. No, go get me champagne. No, stay here," CC stammered.
"Oy," was all Fran could get out before BB swept upon them.
"CC, what have you done to your dress?" BB asked, a smile on her face but a grimace in her voice.
"I made some improvements to it," CC explained, her voice stable.
"I think it looks great!" Fran said cheerfully, giving BB a bright smile.
BB eyed Fran up and down, from the top of her huge hair to the bottom of her stiletto heels. "Yes, you would." She turned back to her daughter. "You look like a common whore."
"Better than an uncommon one, I guess," CC replied, plucking champagne from a waiter.
"Really, CC, you can see so much cleavage," BB said, a distasteful look on her face.
"I'm married, not buried," CC tossed over her shoulder as she turned to walk away. Fran followed, her loud laughter adding even more offense to the composed woman.
"Oh!" Fran squealed as they nearly bumped into another passing waiter. "Oh…" Fran said again, when she realized that this waiter was—
"Niles?" CC said, nearly dropping her flute of champagne. "What are you doing…" She saw the sterling silver tray of champagne flutes in his hand and drained her current one before she could continue. "Never mind."
Niles ground his jaw and chose instead to look at Fran who, no offense intended to his best friend, looked much less appealing and therefore not as dangerous for him. He didn't even flinch when CC leaned forward, offering him a blissful vantage point of her breasts blossoming from the top of her dress, and snatched another champagne flute from his tray.
Fran tapped her acrylic nail against her own glass and looked around, hoping to find something to distract one of them, and then she wished desperately that there was nothing to distract them, for surely this awkward, tense moment was a thousand times better than what would certainly happen now.
CC glanced at Fran, followed Fran's eye line, and then, for some reason, laughed when she saw GG strutting into the room. "Oh, Jesus. Niles, your girlfriend is here." CC sidestepped him but purposely bumped into his shoulder, setting the champagne flutes tinkling against each other.
CC stalked away from Fran and Niles, intent on finding a quiet place to herself, maybe bum a cigarette off of someone, when BB came into her line of vision. She continued towards her mother, downed the rest of her champagne, and said, "You invited her here, you awful cu—"
"Cunning woman, yes, yes," Noel said loudly over the rest of CC's sentence. He hooked his arm into his sister's and steered her off course, heading instead towards the hors d'ouevres table.
"Big brother, hello," CC said sarcastically.
"Eat something," Noel said, unhooking his arm and grabbing two small plates.
"I've lost my appetite," CC said, watching GG and BB exchange cheek kisses.
"I just watched you shotgun two flutes of champagne. You need to eat," Noel said firmly, handing her a plate of stuffed mushrooms. CC grabbed one and stuffed it in her mouth.
"Happy?" she asked, her mouth full. Noel scrunched up his face in disgust.
"Where's your husband?"
"Where's your boyfriend?" CC asked sulkily, grabbing another mushroom.
"In Chicago with his new graduate advisor, I presume," Noel replied.
This brought CC up short. "Oh. I'm sorry. He'd been 'studying' under you for a long time now."
Noel nodded and shrugged in the universal gesture of what can you do about it? "I was looking for an out in that relationship anyhow. You ignored my question about your husband."
"I have no idea where he is," CC said. "Probably finding an oil-based foundation to cover his jaw."
"You attacked another one?"
"Don't say it like that, as though I physically assault men on a regular basis."
"But—"
"Anyway, it was Niles who hit him, not me," CC interrupted.
"How gallant. I imagine BB was not pleased."
"Have you seen Niles this evening? If you need another champagne, he's the man to ask."
Noel winced. "She didn't."
"She did."
"Am I the only person getting antsy for the 'Mummy died' joke to become a reality?"
"Noel, that's dark, even for you," CC said. "But yes, I've got the balloons ready and waiting."
"I'm truly sorry, CC," Noel said, turning to face her and staring at her with intensity. "I never really gave a lot of thought to everything she's put you through but…" Noel shook his head. "I'm so sorry I couldn't do anything to help."
CC gave him a half-smile, uncomfortable. "She's terrible enough to you, too."
"Yes," Noel granted, "but she mostly ignores me."
"Congratulations," CC said, walking over to grab another glass of champagne. She glared at GG over the rim of her glass. "I can't believe she invited GG. She never has before."
Noel considered her with his head tipped to one side. "You know, CC, she does remarkably resemble you."
CC snapped her head to his so fast that she felt something twinge. Making a face, she rubbed her neck and asked, "And?"
"Well, if it's true that Sheffield's butler cares about you—and I'm willing to wager a bet on that, if you'd like, I could use another horse—I can imagine why he did what he did when you were in the hospital."
"BB told you that, too, huh?"
Noel nodded. "I'm just saying. I saw him there when I came to visit you. He was not well."
"How do you mean?" CC asked, curious.
"It was…well, it was one of your worse days," Noel said carefully. CC moved her eyes from his, settling them instead on the ice sculpture. "You wouldn't allow any visitors but apparently, there were days when you wouldn't let even the nurses in but you didn't mind if Niles was in there. So they suggested he try to go in, see if he could calm you down, but you…you threw him out, too. So they sedated you and Niles stood in the doorway and watched…" Noel cleared his throat, and CC saw his eyes tearing up. "I know what you went through was a thousand times worse, and that's still an understatement. But still…it was hard to see you in there, Ceec. And I only visited twice. Niles was there every day."
CC, too, cleared her throat and watched as the bubbles in her champagne raced to the surface, only to die upon achievement. No one had ever told her that he had visited every day.
"Anyhow, after seeing him like that…his pain was just raw. So choosing to sleep with a woman who looks exactly like you…I understand it," Noel said fairly. "Especially if he'd never gotten the chance to be with you."
At this, CC felt her cheeks blush and Noel's jaw dropped.
"You vixen. When?"
"A few weeks ago, after mother told me I needed to produce an heir," CC said.
Noel laughed loudly. "I think she meant an heir with Andrew, CC, not the butler."
CC nudged him and grabbed a cube of cheese. "I know that."
"So?"
"So, what?"
"How was it?" Noel asked.
"I didn't really think heterosexual intercourse was something that interested you, especially when it involves your sister."
Noel rolled his eyes. "If it was that bad…"
"It wasn't!" CC exclaimed, offended by the implications. "It was damn lovely, thank you very much."
"I thought so," Noel said, laughing again.
"You often think about Niles having sex, Noel?" she asked him.
"Ceec, I missed you," Noel told her, slinging an arm around her shoulders and squeezing her lightly.
CC smiled, a genuine smile. "Me too."
As if on cue, as though she sensed her daughter hovering closer to a sense of happiness, BB tapped a knife against her glass and the entire room turned to look at her. CC saw Andrew standing next to her and the mushrooms suddenly felt very heavy in her stomach.
"Thank you so much for attending our Christmas Eve party," BB said magnanimously. CC trailed her eyes around the room and spotted her father standing away from the crowd with Theo Wilcox, Andrew's father.
"That's your husband?" Noel asked under his breath. "That seems like a face I would have remembered."
CC rolled her eyes and refocused as she heard BB call her over. With a sigh, CC walked to the head of the room and stood next to Andrew. His jaw, she saw with satisfaction, was still an angry pink, even through the makeup he'd attempted to apply.
"And we're so happy that this coming year will be CC and Andrew's 18th wedding anniversary," BB said with a delighted smile on her face. The room applauded politely, though CC noticed that Noel and Stuart did not participate. She wondered where Niles was.
"In honor of this past year, I'm so happy to give CC a special gift." BB concluded by gesturing to a server, who stepped forward with a thin velvet jewelry box. BB opened it and showed it to the crowd, who gasped on their cue. CC saw it before her mother began fastening it around her neck; it was a lovely necklace, ornate and antique, but it was heavy and cumbersome. CC felt its weight as soon as BB took her cold fingers away. The clasp dug into her neck.
"Care to give a toast, CC?" BB asked.
CC stared at her mother and felt such a strong current of hatred flow from her that she almost said no. At the last second, though, CC cleared her throat again and held her glass aloft. "To all of you. I'm so blessed to always have a 'cock' in my last name." She raised her glass further before downing it in its entirety.
Most of the crowd recoiled or made noises of displeasure, but CC heard a familiar snort and saw Niles had just emerged from a door behind him. She felt BB reaching for her wrist, but CC slipped away and wandered off in another direction.
"CC, hi," GG said, stepping in front of her.
"GG, I—"
"Look," GG said with determination. "I haven't spoken to you in a long time, but I talked to Noel and…I honestly had no idea that anything was happening between you and the butler."
CC shifted her shoulders, attempting to offset the necklace's weight. Finally she sighed and stopped, looking her cousin in the eyes. "I know. I'm not upset with you."
"I know," GG said, brushing this off. "Noel just told me a little bit about what's been happening with you lately and…I don't know, Aunt BB is a little…anyway. What happened with me and Piles—"
"Niles," CC bristled.
"Right. What happened with him meant nothing. I was bored and he missed you. I knew that." GG laughed. "He even said your name as he came, so I think you win this competition."
"Don't worry, I'm sure you'll win the rest," CC told her with a half-smile.
GG reached forward and placed her palm on CC's crossed arms. "I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this crap. But if it helps, he cares about you. Genuinely. He called me a pale imitation of you."
"Thanks, GG," CC said as her cousin walked away.
CC turned to survey the rest of the crowd, accidentally making eye contact with Niles in the far corner. He raised his eyebrows at her and turned to accept an empty flute. CC sighed as she watched him fake-smile with a man she thought might be her uncle.
What was it that made people assume that hearing Niles cared about her would help her in any way? She thought back to the more innocent, uncomplicated time of her life when she assumed Niles hated her—but no, CC thought, that wasn't right, either. She'd always known that he hadn't hated her. Resented her, probably, but there was no genuine malice from him to her. Still, aside from the occasional lingering glance or impromptu wrestling session, things had never been as complicated with Niles as they had been in the past two years.
And things had never been as complicated in her life as they'd been the past four weeks. Stopping to think about all that had transpired made her head spin. Hearing three people that day, relatively reliable sources, validate Niles's feelings for her did nothing more than make her more miserable than she'd been when she started the day.
She thought back, steadying her mind, to the afternoon they'd slept together and found herself wishing that time had stopped then. Before he left, before he looked at her with such regret, at the moment when he was inside her and something overwhelmed him so much that he paused. Or perhaps he wanted to savor the moment, perhaps he too had been wishing that time would have stopped there for him.
But CC doubted she could handle seeing him look at her with such regret one more time. Why Niles felt it was a mistake, CC didn't know, but that he thought it at all took her right back to square one: what did it mean, ultimately, that he cared for her?
She knew he cared about her. She had for quite some time. Only now, this alleged revelation meant nothing for her life.
Even worse than that—perhaps worse than anything that had happened since Thanksgiving—was the realization she had come to: that she wanted Niles to care for her. That she, in fact, cared about him just as much.
In the middle of the ball room, filled with people and talking and the whisper of silks and furs, CC felt deeply alone. All at once, she perceived the chain of the necklace digging into the flesh of her neck, her chest tightening, and her heart racing. Space, she needed space, so she quickly exited the room, teetering a little on her heels as she moved around a person entering.
She made it down the hall, around one corner, and halfway down that hall before her knees gave out and she fell against the wall. Panic attacks weren't really her thing—she experienced moments of delusions and hallucinations, Dr. Bort had told her—but she knew this was what it was. Of course, she remembered nothing that Dr. Bort had told her to do in the event that she experienced one. She doubted hyperventilating against a wall in a high-class hotel was it.
Back in the Emory Roth room, Niles watched as CC tripped slightly out of the room. His brow furrowed in concern, he spared little thought to the consequences of him leaving and set down his half-full tray of drinks. Out in the cavernous hallway, Niles looked around and chose to turn right. Something was smiling at him that night, for as he turned the corner, he found her sitting on the floor, the chiffon of her dress splayed around her like a puddle.
He ran the last few steps to her when he saw the swell of her breasts rising and falling rapidly. She tugged insistently at the necklace her mother had given her; Niles saw that it had scratched her neck so much that little droplets of blood had clotted.
"CC," Niles said gently, kneeling in front of her. She stared straight ahead, still breathing rapidly, and Niles saw that sweat had formed around her hairline. He quelled the wave of panic that nearly crested in him, focusing on the woman in front of him instead. "CC," he said more firmly, trying to take her hands away from the necklace.
"No," CC resisted in a strained voice, taking her hands back to the necklace and tearing it away from her. The movement caused a deeper gouge at the back of her neck where the clasp had reluctantly snapped from the chain, but it seemed to calm her slightly. Niles slid the necklace into his pocket, out of sight.
"CC," Niles repeated. This scene reminded him so forcibly of visiting CC in the hospital that he had to take a few seconds to compose himself. But he remembered what he'd done that time and hoped it would help now. "CC, look at me."
He placed his hands on either side of her face, shifting it slightly so that she would look at him. Her eyes did not look lost, as they had the previous year, but they looked panicked, and for some reason, this calmed Niles even more.
"Focus on me," Niles directed, speaking gently but directly. He felt her breathing slow by a degree, but he worried she'd pass out unless she regulated it again. "CC, it's all right."
At this, her chin wavered and tears filled her eyes. She shook her head slightly.
"Yes, it is," Niles promised. His thumbs lightly traced her eyebrows, her cheekbones, her nose. The pad of his right thumb caught a tear as it fell. He could feel her pulse begin to race again and Niles moved closer. "CC. Stay with me. It's all right." Neither noticed Stuart's head peer around the corner, though he witnessed the scene for no more than a few seconds.
"No, it isn't," CC said, her voice tight, as though her throat were constricted. She craned her neck back, bumping her head into the wall behind her, and several strands of hair jarred loose from her twist.
Niles realized the futility of attempting to convince her that things were fine and he cursed his shortsightedness. This was a panic attack; logic had no place here. "You look beautiful tonight," he told her, smiling.
"I can't breathe, Niles," she told him, dragging her fingers down her neck as though searching for the necklace again.
"I know," he said calmly, swiping the back of his hand across her forehead. "Your dress is lovely."
CC looked down and then began tugging at that, too. "I can't breathe," she repeated, pulling so hard that her dress threatened to give way.
Niles closed his hands over hers, pulling them away and keeping them within his grasp. He pressed a kiss to her tightly-fisted hands. "CC, you can breathe. Trust me. You can trust me, Babcock, right?" He gave her a saucy grin and felt relieved when she smirked for a moment.
"The air is just so heavy," she said, her voice cracking.
"Look at me," he directed again, tilting her chin up with his index finger. "Breathe. Breathe in deeply." Niles rolled his eyes when she just stared at him. "These aren't suggestions, Babcock. Do it. Breathe in." He waited until she began to. "Then hold your breath until I tell you to exhale." He paused again for a few seconds. "Now exhale." She followed suit and he repeated this a few times until he felt her calm down.
"There you go," Niles said softly, taking his hands from around hers.
CC lunged forward and grabbed onto his hands fiercely. "Don't make me go back into that party."
"As though I could make the Abominable Babcock do anything," Niles teased. He looked at her closely, the thin slivers of scabs on the sides of her neck, the irritated red streaks from her fingers, the dried salt tracks of tears on her face, her disheveled hair. The last thing she needed at that moment was her mother. "Let's take a walk," he suggested.
"A walk?" CC repeated uncertainly.
"Yes," Niles said, standing up. "In fact, I have an idea. Follow me." Her breathing had returned to normal, but trembling had taken its place so Niles offered her his hand and helped her stand. She slid her hand immediately into his, holding it tightly, and Niles privately marveled that such a simple gesture could mean so much to a person.
He led her down the labyrinth of halls, and CC grew calmer as they ventured further from the party. He pressed the 'up' button on the elevator, and she leaned against him as they waited. After the doors slid open, they stepped into the thankfully empty elevator and Niles hit the topmost button, sliding in a key they'd given him at the beginning of the night. Happily Niles saw that his plan would work.
"How many times have you done that for me?" CC asked quietly, staring as the buttons lit up.
"What do you mean?"
"You seem practiced enough. Did you do it at the Place?"
Niles nodded, unsure of what else to say.
"Thank you," she said, her voice a hair above a whisper.
"You don't need to thank me," Niles said. "I'd do it for anyone who would need it."
"You would," she agreed, nodding. "But not everyone would do it for me."
Niles wondered how she would take it if he, at that very moment, swept her into his arms and protected her for the rest of his life. Before he could decide to do so, the doors opened onto the top floor of the hotel, which consisted of only a short hallway with a few doors. Clearly not meant to be an area where guests would find themselves, it was sparsely decorated.
Still holding her hand, he stepped off the elevator and walked to the end of the hallway. He climbed the few stairs he encountered there and pushed on the door labeled 'roof access.' A brisk wind greeted them, and as soon as she stood next to him, Niles slid off his tuxedo jacket and draped it over her shoulders.
"I figured you'd need air," Niles said to her unasked question.
CC nodded, grateful, and took in her surroundings. The roof was bare, save for exhaust pipes and vents, but it allowed for a phenomenal view of the skyline. CC stared at the bare area above Central Park, finding the unexpected blankness calming. She reached blindly for Niles's hand again and twined her fingers with his.
"I don't see how any of this is all right," she admitted, her breath fogging around her.
"Well," Niles considered, stepping closer to her in case it shielded any of the slight but persistent wind. "Here, right now, is all right."
CC nodded, taking her bottom lip into her mouth. He led her across the roof to a wide metal box. He pressed his palm to it, found it cold, and hopped on top. CC followed suit and Niles smiled when she slid close enough to him that their thighs touched.
"If I were to apologize for every remark I've made about you after having met your mother, would you accept it?" Niles asked. "I don't know how you grew up with that woman."
CC blew out a breath of air, watching it stream out. "I didn't really grow up with her. She left after I was born, remember."
"Yes, but living with that threatening presence all your life…" Niles shivered exaggeratedly. "You're stronger than I ever gave you credit for."
"Says the man who just talked me through a panic attack," CC muttered.
Niles nudged her shoulder with his. "Having a panic attack doesn't mean you aren't strong."
CC shrugged, dismissive of this idea. They lapsed into a comfortable silence, watching the lights of Manhattan flicker on or off, depending on what the occupants of each room were doing. With a dawning surprise, though, CC found that she didn't wish she were one of the random, anonymous occupants of another room in another part of the city. She was content being right here, freezing on a rooftop with him. This conclusion surprised and troubled her.
"Niles," she suddenly said, her voice louder than she'd thought it would be. Niles started slightly.
"Yes?"
"Do you…well, remember the day a few weeks ago, when we…had sex?" CC stammered, keeping her eyes fixed on the slab of darkness that was Central Park.
"I…yes, of course," Niles replied.
"Why did you look at me like that, after?"
Niles fell into silence, wondering how best to explain it to her. He didn't need to ask what she meant.
Enough time passed that CC felt the awkwardness of it push her into speaking again. "It's just that…you looked like you regretted it."
"I did," Niles agreed.
"Oh."
Niles took a few more moments to formulate his thoughts before he realized how she must have interpreted his agreement. He turned slightly, bumping his knee into hers, so that he could face her. "No, Miss Babcock, not for the reasons you imagine. I don't regret what happened, but rather why it happened."
"So why did it happen?"
Niles sighed, not very eager to voice his response. But he looked at her again and saw the tracks of her tears glisten slightly in the lights from the city. His pride could take a hit, he decided, but she needed to hear the truth. "I wanted to give you some comfort, but I also wanted to prove to you that I do care about you."
"You regret that?"
"No, I'm getting to the part I regret." He sighed. "I wanted to…bloody hell, I sound like a cad…I wanted to claim you. I hated the idea that you were married and that some other man had…not the rights to you, but you're his, and he's yours, and I bloody hated the idea of it. So some base part of me thought that if we had sex, then you'd be mine, even for an afternoon."
Niles looked away, down at the gravelly rooftop, and had never hated himself more than he did in that instant. He'd treated her in the same manner as nearly everyone else in her life did, and he was ashamed of himself.
"That isn't terrible, Niles," CC told him.
"Yes, it is. I had always thought that the first time we were together, it would either be because we fought so intensely that we'd have sex right there, wherever we were, or because we both wanted to…to be together in that way," Niles finished lamely.
"Those aren't mutually exclusive," CC told him playfully. Niles glanced over at her and was surprised to find a bright smile on her face. "Look, if you want to feel less sorry for yourself, I suppose I did it for the wrong reasons, too. I—"
"—found my animal magnetism too hard to refuse, I know," Niles filled in with a sympathetic nod.
CC laughed, a sudden, loud sound from her core. Niles reveled in it. "No, Molly Maid, because I wanted to piss off my mother."
"So you were thinking of your mother the entire time?"
"No, Niles, at some point, you rendered coherent thought impossible for me," CC told him.
Niles saw a flash of cleavage through a gap in the tuxedo coat and was momentarily taken over by a wild urge to feel her warm skin again.
"I just thought that you regretted what happened, and that was…kind of a terrible thing to feel," CC admitted, her voice once again small.
Niles took her hand and realized how cold her fingers were. "No. Never." He pressed a kiss to her fingers. "We should get back inside. You're cold."
"No, not yet," CC said. "I don't want to face any of that."
"You don't have to face your mother right now," Niles told her gently as he hopped off of their makeshift seat.
"Not just her," CC told him, sliding off as well. "Any of it."
"You have to face it eventually," Niles pointed out.
"I know, but…"
Niles took her other hand, both to force her attention on him and to warm it. "Miss Babcock, you can say no. You can refuse what they're asking you to do."
"No, I can't."
"Yes, you can," Niles insisted. He suppressed the annoyance from his voice, feeling that tonight was not a night to show irritation with her, but he felt it nonetheless.
"No, I can't," CC said. "I hate the idea of staying married to him. I hate the idea of having kids with him. But I hate the idea of not being a Babcock, of my brother not being my brother, of not having any money."
"Which idea do you hate more?"
"It's equal."
"You would truly give up your freedom to create the life you want so that you could be a part of the family who would force you to give up that very freedom?" Niles asked in disbelief. He couldn't hide the disgust from his voice, and CC didn't blame him.
"Are you surprised to discover that I actually am that mercenary?"
Niles shook his head. "I don't believe that's it. What do you want?"
"What—"
"What Miss Grace was talking about. The locus amoenus. What's yours? You said a world where you could figure it out on your own. You can."
CC stared at Niles in silence. Niles felt fidgety and desperate, as though an invisible timer were running down and every second that ticked off meant an even smaller chance for her, for them.
"What do you want, CC?" Niles asked her, his voice so many things at once.
"I don't know!" CC cried, taking her hands from his and crossing her arms. "I've never been in a situation where I've been able to consider it before. No one has ever come up to me and said, CC Babcock, what do you want from your life? Or what do you want to study in school? What do you want to be? Who do you want to marry? Half the time I can't get dressed in the morning without thinking about what someone might want me to wear that day."
His irritation slipped away with the wind when he considered her life from that perspective. His life had not been filled with choice, but he'd at least been raised by parents who had allowed him choices whenever they could.
"So, yes, my happy place is a world where I could figure out what it is I want from my own life," CC finished, pulling his jacket around her more tightly. It gaped in the shoulders and looked too long so that the overall effect was a child playing dress-up. "But like the little one said, it's not the feasibility of the idea but just the idea of the idea. So it doesn't matter."
"It does matter."
"What's yours?" she asked. "What do you want?"
Now Niles stared at her, about to tell her that it would take him a little longer to take stock of his life and consider what he truly wanted from it, when the answer came to him so easily and simply that he knew it had been what he'd wanted for some time. "For you to be happy."
The sincerity of his voice negated any possibility of her asking if that was truly what he wanted. She knew it was.
Still, that didn't help her figure out how to respond to it. Tears swam in her eyes and clouded her vision and simultaneously, she wanted to leave, to embrace him, and to take him downstairs and kiss him in front of her mother. She realized that if she only reordered her list, she actually could accomplish all of those things.
"Let's go," Niles said, placing his hand on her back and directing her towards the door. He used the same key to unlock it and walked back to the elevator.
Niles dropped her off in the lobby, promising to go back to the ballroom and retrieve her things. CC nodded, relinquishing his tuxedo jacket, and stood off to the side.
As Niles left the lobby, Stuart entered it and saw his daughter standing alone. He had never thought himself the worst parent—several of his business counterparts hadn't even lived in the same home as their children growing up—but when he saw the mark of a miserable evening on his daughter, her puffy eyes, strange scratches on her neck, Stuart felt a boulder of guilt settle in his stomach. He walked over to her and placed a warm hand on her arm.
"Hello, kitten," Stuart said kindly.
"Hi. Leaving?" CC asked.
"I think so. Your mother has made it awkward enough for me," Stuart told her. "Are you?"
CC nodded. "Niles is getting my things."
Stuart elected not to tell CC what he'd witnessed between them. He saw it as a private moment and one he'd had no business seeing. But he also saw, with his own eyes, how much Sheffield's butler cared for his daughter, and it instilled in him his own wayward-fatherly desire to take care of her, too. "He's a good man."
CC looked at him, surprised. "He can be."
"Then I think you should let him be," Stuart said, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "Don't worry about anything, kitten. I'll take care of it."
"What do you mean?" CC asked. Stuart only smiled enigmatically and waved as he left the hotel.
Niles returned with her light gray wool coat and her clutch purse. He helped her into it and then turned to her. "Let's go."
"You're leaving? Won't you get in trouble?" she asked as he put on his coat as well.
"Yes, I'm worried that your mother will fire me and never seek to employ me for a catering event again," Niles remarked sarcastically. He slid his arm around her waist and escorted her out of the hotel. CC gave her ticket to the valet standing in wait and turned to Niles, who still had his arm around her.
"Will you come over?" she asked. Niles smiled and nodded. "I won't even charge my usual fare."
His grin widened. "And here I was, saving that $25 for nothing."
"I can only imagine how long it took you to reach that amount, so I'm happy to let you keep it," she said. She handed a wad of bills to the valet, who took it eagerly and walked away, hoping she wouldn't realize her mistake. They both got into her car and CC drove off, the several blocks to her penthouse slipping away quickly given the lack of traffic on Christmas Eve.
She parked her car and they took the garage elevator up to her floor, the doors opening directly into her penthouse. Chester went mad at the sight of Niles, hopping eagerly around until Niles agreed to pick him up, whereupon Chester began intently attempting to kiss Niles's face.
"He acts like I neglect him," CC said, rolling her eyes as she stepped over to the hall closet and hung up her coat, flicking on the lights in the process. Niles managed to slip the coat off of him without letting go of Chester, who seemed intent to stay in Niles's arms for the rest of his life. CC hung up his as well and then stood, watching her dog sniff Niles's tuxedo.
"Are you feeling better?" Niles asked worriedly.
CC nodded, her face tinged in red as she thought back to her evening. "Yes. Thanks." She cleared her throat. "But really, it is hard to breathe in this thing, so I'm going to get more comfortable." She pulled at the dress again, as though demonstrating how her fingers barely fit between the fabric and her skin, but Niles couldn't help but notice how the movement affected her breasts.
"At least one of us can get more comfortable," Niles grumbled as he slid off his tuxedo jacket and loosened the bow tie.
"Oh, that's right," CC said regretfully, eyeing his clothing. "You can leave if you're uncomfortable."
"I'll power through," Niles promised, reaching back and undoing his cummerbund, sighing as he did so. "Now I can breathe, too."
"Well, really, Niles, it's only fabric. It can only hold in so much," CC pointed out with a laugh as she walked towards her bedroom, slipping off her heels as she did so.
Niles slipped off his shoes, pulled his shirt out of his pants, and completely slid off the bowtie, all while still holding Chester. "Well, it'll have to do, little man," Niles muttered to him, picking up his discarded tuxedo pieces and piling them on her dining room table.
"Is that how a gentleman treats his garments?" CC asked with a tsk, returning from her bedroom wearing red flannel pajama bottoms and a soft, dark gray t-shirt.
"You can burn them," Niles said, his head drooped over the back of the couch with his eyes closed. He raised his head a few inches and peered at her out of one eye. "Is that how a lady dresses in front of a gentleman?"
"It's how this lady does," CC replied, sinking onto the couch next to him. She grabbed the remote and turned on the television, settling on a black and white Christmas movie that had just started. Niles set Chester on CC's lap and stood, flicking off the lights and grabbing the soft blanket from the back of the sofa. He resettled next to her and draped the blanket across all of them.
Niles glanced over 15 minutes into the movie and saw CC's eyelids growing heavy. Smiling, he tugged her closer to him, casting an apologetic look at Chester who had been deposed, and settled her head against his shoulder.
"Is this how you wanted to spend Christmas Eve?" she asked with a yawn.
Niles moved his head and unwittingly inhaled the scent of her hair. Impetuously, he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "Yes."
She sat up suddenly but still found herself leaning against him. "I'm sorry I never told you about Andrew."
"If I didn't know you, I might not believe that you actually forgot about him, but I do, so I do," Niles told her.
But she shook her head. "That's not just what I mean. What you said before. About how I never told you and you never really had a chance with me."
Niles felt his heart squeeze. He still stood by what he said to her earlier that night—that here with her right now, things were all right—but he understood that it changed little. He pushed back the strands of hair that had fallen loose. "Well, Miss Babcock, I don't think I had much of a chance with you regardless."
The sad tone in his voice made her ache. "Don't say that, Niles."
"You're a millionaire heiress and I'm a butler. There's a reason so many romance novels revolve around it: because it never happens in real life," Niles told her.
CC sat up fully and her body protested against the loss of warm contact. "You think that's true?"
"Well, you know a lot of heiresses and I know a lot of butlers. Are any of them together?"
"No."
"There you go," Niles said, unintentionally becoming grumpier as the conversation continued. CC looked over at the television screen as a little girl sat on Santa's lap in the store. "I know it bothers you that I'm a butler."
"Oh? How do you know that?" she asked, challenging him. She almost always lost these challenges, these attempts to prove to him that he didn't know her that well. And yet she kept pressing.
"That aristocratic nose of yours wrinkles whenever you see me doing something especially butler-esque," Niles said, tapping the spot on her nose that he meant.
CC considered protesting that it didn't bother her that much but she knew he'd see through the lie. "All right. It bugs me. But only because there's this one side of you that's smart and witty and—sometimes—very charming, but then I see that same person scrubbing a toilet and I just don't get it."
Niles nodded. "Just as when I look at you, I see a beautiful, intelligent, terrifying woman who gets what she wants from directors, backers, and choreographers, and then I see that same person agree to decisions which will make her miserable without any sort of fight."
It was CC's turn to nod. "That's fair."
Niles took a few moments to build up his courage and then realized he had very little to lose. "Would you be with me if you weren't married to Andrew?"
"I've followed my thoughts down roads like that before, Niles, and it never helps."
"Am I asking to help you? I'm asking to know. Would you be with me? Would you at least want to try?"
CC hesitated, but he'd done so much for her that evening, let alone for several years now, and he deserved to know. "Yes."
Niles's heart soared and shot through the window, shouting all over Manhattan and the entire tri-state area. "Even though I'm a butler?"
"Yes," she admitted, surprised at her admission and the simple truth of it. Did she dislike the idea of him serving others? Absolutely. Did it change anything, really, in the long run? No.
"You're right. It doesn't help," Niles said, exaggeratedly glowering.
CC laughed and then look intently at Niles. "Are you going to kiss me now?"
Niles looked at her somewhat ruefully and sadly, no exaggeration this time, and lifted his left hand to settle in her hair. He spared another poignant look into her eyes, those beautiful dark blue eyes, and then leaned forward, pressing his lips to hers sweetly. She rested her palms against his neck. When he pulled away, he saw tears in her eyes, and when she saw them in his, too, hers threatened to spill over.
He pressed his forehead to hers and shut his eyes tightly. "I know," he whispered softly.
She felt again the injustice of her situation and felt an urging to rail against it. But this time, that meant something very different for her. She slid the rest of her arms around his neck and almost sighed when he returned the embrace tightly. "Will you stay?"
"Of course," he said, his voice muffled in her shoulder.
She pulled away from the embrace and impulsively kissed him. She ended the kiss and ruffled his hair gently. "I might as well do the things I want to do while I can still do them," she reasoned at his questioning look.
"Feel free to do that whenever it strikes your fancy," Niles told her, yawning.
"Come on," CC said, standing up and offering her hand. "Let's go to bed."
Niles hoped that however addled his mind became as he aged, he would never forget this moment, when CC Babcock stood up in her pajamas, gave him her hand, and requested that he come to bed. He followed, happily linking their hands, and chuckled as Chester hopped off the couch to follow them as well.
"You sure your regular bedfellow won't get jealous?" Niles asked as CC turned off the television and guided him in the darkness.
"Oh, he will," CC replied assuredly. "But he'll get over it. It's a big bed." She turned on the lights in her spacious bedroom, picking up Chester and placing him atop the fluffy white bedspread. She led Niles to her en-suite, indicating where a new spare toothbrush was, and allowed him privacy to get ready for bed. She dawdled in her room, playing for a few moments with Chester, when Niles returned and they switched places.
She brushed her teeth and face, grimacing when the hot water slid down her neck and into her cuts there. She gazed at them in the mirror, tilting her head from side to side, and then winced when she realized there was a painful tug on the back of her neck. Sliding open a drawer, she pulled out her antiseptic cream and walked back into her room.
Niles stood up from the edge of her bed, nervous, until she reached out and handed him the cream.
"Can you put this on my neck?" She craned her neck to allow him greater access.
"Am I your servant now too?" Niles grumbled, untwisting the cap.
"Weren't you always, Niles?" CC asked, fluttering her eyelashes.
Admitting to the truth in that statement felt both impossible and painful, given the situation, so he simply applied the cream to the scratches on the sides and back of her neck, blowing on them to ease the stinging. He saw goosebumps erupt on the skin of her shoulders that he could see, so he leaned down and pressed a small kiss to her back.
"Thanks," she mumbled, taking the cream back and putting it away.
They moved towards the bed in unison, each walking to their own side. They pulled back the sheets together, Chester jumping up and alternately scratching the sheets and hiding his head beneath them. Niles laughed at it and CC sighed.
"Every night," she said with a shake of her head. Niles slid between the sheets and let out a low moan, letting his legs slide against the soft cotton. CC eyed him, still sitting up with only her legs under the covers. "Do you want some alone time with my bed, Niles?"
"Don't be a tease," Niles said, his eyes still closed in rapture. "I understand why you want to stay rich. I'd never want to be without these sheets, either."
CC leaned over and turned off her lights, sliding under the covers pulling them up over her shoulders. Niles reached over and pulled her to him, supporting her head under his left arm and draping his right around her waist.
"I lied earlier," Niles said, his head resting right behind hers. His breath blew a few strands of hair into her face. "This is how I wanted to spend Christmas Eve."
CC pressed a kiss to the arm supporting her head, and Niles fell asleep with a smile on his face.