I'm excited. I'm excited, and I'm also incredibly nervous. I'm nervous, and I'm shaking like a leaf. I'm shaking, and I'm grinning like a fool, teeth showing and all. My pulse is going far too fast to be healthy, but I don't mind. It's healthy to be nervous before a game, before an important event. It makes your performance better once you smooth things out. All I need to do is take this extra adrenaline and put it to good use. It won't be hard.
It's really no fun to play no-name teams that refuse to put up much of a challenge. I'm pretty sure that Daiki's coming to this game, unlike the last two, since we're playing Seirin this time around. I could be wrong, though. I'm pretty sure he went to scout out Kagami's talent, and when he came back, all he said was that he was hungry and wanted the tournament to be over. I guess we differ in that sense. I want this tournament to continue on into eternity, until I can't play anymore. Things are going smoothly, we're on a roll, I'm too ecstatic to stop here. I want to play forever and ever. It's too bad things don't work like that.
Satsuki's looking at me strangely. I think she can read my mind. She's known me so long that I'm sure it's more than possible that she knows what I'm thinking at this point, but I like to think I'm not so predictable. It can't really be helped either way, but if it saves me the trouble of voicing my thoughts, I have no issue with being predictable. She's probably worried about how we can't seem to reach Daiki by phone.
"Hai-san, are you sure you can't get Aomine on your phone?" Imayoshi asks as I re-lace my shoes for the umpteenth time. Somehow, my tying skills aren't up to par today. I give the dark-haired captain an even glance.
"Hm? If he isn't answering you, what makes you think he'll answer me?" I reply, unlacing my shoes once more. "They're never tight enough..."
"Hai-chan, stop tying your shoes and try calling Aomine-kun!" Satsuki exclaims, pulling my hands away from the untied laces. I give her an unimpressed glance before dialing the bluenette's number. It rings. Rings, and rings, and rings some more until I get his voicemail. I sigh loudly, close the phone, and give Imayoshi a shake of my head.
"Got his voicemail. It did ring though, so it's not like the phone is off." I say, tightening my laces. "Satsuki, why don't you try calling him? He might've been sleeping or something. Who knows, with that one." The pinkette gives me a very, very suspicious glance before dialing Daiki's number. I finally find the perfect tightness for my laces.
My strands of unruly hair are tugged back for a ponytail, high and brushing the nape of my neck as usual. My bobby pins, clinging to my shirt as usual, are tugged free. I hold them up to Satsuki, and can only feel disappointment when she holds up a single finger. "A one bobby problem? Does that even exist? Last time I played their ace he took up three!" I say once she gets off the phone.
"He'll be here for the second half." Satsuki says apologetically.
"Satsukiiii, it can't be a one bobby problem! The ace along took three pins, and there's Tetsuya to worry about as well! How many do I need?" She looks a little miffed that I'm arguing with her judgment, which, to her credit, is usually correct. I wonder if I look more disappointed than usual. I wonder if I look desperate. I want a challenge. Anyone who tells me that Seirin is weak has to be lying- they're undefeated so far. Didn't they win against Shintarou and Ryouta? A single bobby is what it took for the no-names. It can't be right.
"Hai-chan, at this point, you're seeing a single bobby problem." Satsuki says. It's not like it's just said flat out, blunt and a little brutal. It's like she's breaking bad news to me. I guess, in some twisted way, she is. I want a challenge out of Seirin. I want to be pushed to the limit. There's no need for me to play someone who can't get my blood pumping. An eerie calm wipes away the remainder of my thoughts.
The change must be frightfully obvious, especially since Satsuki looks up from her phone just to do a double take. "Hai-chan?" I adjust my ponytail and forget to acknowledge Satsuki's call. If Seirin is weak in Satsuki's eyes, then so be it. They beat Shintarou and Ryouta, both of whom are players I admire. I don't want to think that those two are weak, but I can't help it. I'll just have to put Seirin back in their place.
Who is Seirin, a new, no-name team, to beat the Generation of Miracles? The five, no, the six who acknowledged me as teammates are not to be looked down upon. I have to give Seirin some credit, though. Having Tetsuya in a battle against the main Miracles is a smart move. It's too bad that Tetsuya has always served as a shadow.
I wonder if he knows that I'm equally as capable of vanishing. That I push that power to my team, because to hide myself is useless. I wonder if Tetsuya will acknowledge how much I've grown since Teiko. The chances are slim when it comes to Seirin's victory. I have a duty to the other Miracles to make that chance fall to zero.
Crushing spirits is my specialty, and it's something I detest with every fiber of my being. I'm not the type of person who is malicious by nature, who takes pleasure in the collapse of hopes and dreams, but I am the type of person who will adopt that nature if my team needs it. Will I have to crush Seirin's dream? Unfortunately, it seems the answer is yes. Will I enjoy it? That's a no. I want Tetsuya to have his basketball acknowledged just as much as he does. I'm all for team play, for teamwork, for camaraderie. I'll acknowledge his basketball no matter where I go or who I play. No matter how much I like Tetsuya, I won't allow him to surpass me. I've worked as hard as he has, or at least I'd like to think so.
I'm a bad person that way. I want him to succeed. I want him to win. I want my best friend to be as happy as humanly possible, yet here I am. Here I am, trying to crush Tetsu's team, trying to destroy his hopes of beating Daiki and me. Here I am, opposing him in every possible way. What kind of best friend am I? I just hope that Tetsuya can forgive me. I won't hold back. I owe him that much.
The court is wider, longer, and bigger than usual. The lights are brighter than I remember them to be. I'm half hoping that Daiki will show up sooner than anticipated so I don't have to play against Tetsu anymore. I don't want to hurt the friendship that took me so long to develop. I don't want to lose something over a game like this. I almost want to be pulled from the game.
That isn't something I can afford. If my feelings, these ridiculous feelings, get in the way of playing a game seriously, I'll never forgive myself. Tetsuya would never forgive me for not taking this game seriously. To go easy on someone out of pity is crueler than a crushing defeat. I'd rather earn a win after a thousand losses than win a hundred games based on the pity of others. I'm sure that the feeling is mutual.
My stomach is throwing a riot, and my legs are threatening to collapse. How long has it been since I've felt this anxious? I haven't felt this sort of thing since the first few Teiko days. I want it to disappear, but when else will I feel this nervous? Yes, this is necessary, to tell me that I'm not invincible. I might be good, but I am not great. I need to win this game. I have to prove that I've improved, that I'm on par with the other Miracles. I've played with them, now I can play against them. I have nothing to fear. I didn't go through all that training to be defeated here. I didn't get all those injuries, have all those sleepless nights, run all those laps to stop here. I want to win. I won't let myself crumple here.
The game will be starting soon. Too soon, it feels, but soon enough. It's no use to put it off any further. I can make this work to my advantage. Sei taught me many things, and the most valuable among them was to never accept defeat. A win is a win any way I get it. I'm not the type to fight dirty, but I am the type to do what I must.
Warm ups are going smoothly. My mind is elsewhere, and my body is left to act on instinct, going through the process of becoming ready for use without a second thought. How many times have I warmed up this way? How many games have I played? The ball is almost alien beneath my fingertips. How many hours have I practiced? How many injuries have I sustained? Basketball is tiring physically, yes, but I think it wears on you mentally much more. This game is playing with my heartstrings, and we haven't even started yet.
My warm up is going too smoothly. Everything is as it should be. I work best under pressure like this. Without stress, I can't reach my full potential. In this game, I'm more of a doer than a thinker. I don't have the time to think of a strategy like Seijuurou or Satsuki, but I'm pretty good at following orders. I'm best at making split-second decisions, at turning my plans completely around at the drop of a hat. I'm not good with the future. I'm on the court for here and now.
It's too soon for the game to start. It's a thousand years too soon, yet here I am, on the court, slipping on my game face and getting everything buckled down. My calm is coming back. My head is fully screwed on. I will observe and assess. I will use my Zone. I will work harder than anyone on this team to assure us of victory.
What is Imayoshi doing, riling Seirin up like this? He wants them to go easy on us? My blood is just about to start boiling, but I can see from the way that Seirin is tensing that they'll be going all-out from the get-go. My hopes are starting to soar. Maybe Satsuki was wrong. Maybe they'll be a four-pin problem. Maybe I'll finally hit a six-pin problem. Maybe I'll struggle for a while.
It's a given, and it always has been, that the ball will reach my hands. It's usually fine by me. I play to win. I live to play. What I'm not okay with is the look that crosses Tetsuya's face, that one that's always tugged at the feelings I stifle, and the way Kagami's eyes are widening. I know from experience that his confidence will be gone by the end of the game. The finishing blow will be Daiki's arrival. I'm just the kid responsible for all the prep work. I'm the enabler. I'm on Set Up Duty.
I dart past the redhead. I feel swifter today. Swifter, stronger, smoother. Stopping me isn't something that Kagami is capable of, and I feel my expectations of four-pin dropping to two-pin. I want to win. I want to go all out. I want to watch Seirin fight me tooth and nail.
My jumps are higher than usual as I pass to Sakurai. I don't want to shoot just yet. I'll deny myself that for the time being. At the moment, it's my job to wear the others out. It isn't a difficult job. I'm used to playing so hard that I faint, and it has happened before, but this isn't a game that will require that sort of effort. I just need to set the stage. I'm not the main actor.
It takes us ten points for Sakurai to pass to me once he's been screened. My movements are more fluid than usual. I buy us another three points from the half line. I don't like playing like this. It isn't bad, that's not my complaint. I just can't stand the caution in Tetsu's eyes, or the way that Kagami screens me so helplessly. I'm easy to catch, easy to block, easy to break. Why hasn't anyone done that yet? "Hai, can't you play a little more seriously?" Imayoshi says as he catches up to me. My body goes rigid for a moment as I stare at him.
"You want me to use the Zone or something? I'm being perfectly serious." I reply icily. The black-haired captain looks at me with calculating, narrowed eyes.
"You can't take this seriously, can you? You can't give it your all. Momoi-san was right. Maybe we should take you off the court." My blood is going to boil. My hands are itching to clamp around his throat in what I can only describe as murderous intent flows through every cell in my body. My heart slows, calms. Fine. If he wants me to use the Zone from the start, if he wants to watch the expression of my best friend crumble, if he wants to see my rival redhead lose confidence, I'll give it to him. That's the type of player I am. Once I step onto the court, everything outside the game is no longer relevant. Sei drilled that one into my head until I could vomit the words on demand.
I can only hope that neither Kagami nor Tetsuya will tell me anything. I can't stand to hear their voices, and I can't allow them to offer me any words. My willpower won't tolerate anything shaking its foundations. If my team captain asks something of me, it's my duty to fulfill his request. Otherwise, what good am I? Players like me are only meant to serve, and nothing more. Doing things like this should be second nature; they should be done without argument, so why can I feel my chest growing empty and numb? It's no use. I'll do this for my team. That's the type of player I am.
Everything, faces, friends, memories, become irrelevant and blank as the Zone begins to surge forward into my limbs. I'll dip into this ocean of focus without hesitation. These are waters I know how to swim. All that matters now is the ball in my hands, and the redhead that hasn't tasted this sort of power before. How I'd love to force him into the Zone! How great it would be to taste competition from someone like him... But these are things I can't have. All I need is victory. Victory will assure me that I'm alive and well and useful.
How much time has passed? How many times have I received passes? Dodged screens? Seen blue and red eyes drill holes into me? It's all irrelevant, unnecessary, unwanted, unwarranted. Nobody can blame me for seeking the taste of a win. I'm doing what is asked of me without complaint, so Imayoshi should be satisfied, even if Satsuki will lecture me later until my ears bleed. I'm prepared for that. Everything I do, every thought, step, breath, is for this team. Daiki's arrival can wait a while longer. For now, for this half, I am all that is necessary. He isn't needed while I set things up. I am the stagehand that prepares everything for the lead role. I am the understudy. I am the ghostwriter for the famous novelist. I am the puppet played by the puppet master. All they need to do is tug on my strings, and I'll dance.
I know that if I go past the allotted time without the two-minute break, I'll be forced to slow. I can't afford to slow, no, not this time. I have to play my part without fail. I can Ankle Break as well as Sei can, but it isn't necessary for competition like this. I will dance around them like smoke between their fingers. I am nothing and everything. I feel like some sort of demon, playing around like this, but who are they to judge me? Tetsuya will understand why I have to do this. Kagami will see that he should've played with me more often. I have to warm them up so that Seirin will be in prime condition for Daiki. I have to make sure that they're all ready to go, ready to play, and taking this as seriously as possible.
I can't even remember who's on the court and who's off. They all look the same to me. They would, at least, if it weren't for Tetsu's bright hair, and his tenacious will. I admire that in him. It's my favorite thing to see. I will never tire of eyes like his.
The first quarter passes far too soon, and the second quarter is too blurry for me to focus on anything worthwhile. All that matters is that I can go all out, and that I can find some sort of comfort in the knowledge that I've done my role to the best of my ability. Seijuurou would be pleased with my progress, I think. In the end, it doesn't matter. My allotted time is running thin, and the break was too short for me to find my tape. My body is screaming for this next five minutes to pass.
Four have shrieked by me when the bluenette makes his appearance. I'm half disappointed, half satisfied. I've done my job to the best of my ability, and Seirin is now ready to see Daiki in action. As we trade places without a word, I pretend not to notice the look in Daiki's eyes that scream a thousand questions. All I can do is watch my work unfold.