Part 5: On Location at Nipton
"Good… good… the smoke and fire effects are good. Everything looks good—no! You there! What is with that stupid expression on your face?" the director yelled at one of the "crucified" men on the nearest cross. "You're supposed to look either dead or in pain, not like the town idiot! And a gassy one, at that!"
"Although technically, the town idiot could very well have been one of these crucifixion victims," a production assistant piped up helpfully. "And those other extras have the 'look dead' thing down pat. I think they've actually fallen asleep."
A loud snore from one of the hanging men confirmed it.
"Be quiet and bring me a donut. And fire that guy for sleeping on the job," the director snapped before turning back to the first extra. "Fix your face to the proper expression of torture and agony before I fix it for you."
"Sorry, sir, but I was just trying to make the scene easier for when Vulpes comes in," the extra declared from high up on the cross. "You know how weak his disposition is, so I figured if he could focus on something funny…"
"Please, he's a professional," the director insisted. "And what would players think if the smooth-talking frumentarii leader randomly glanced at something off-camera and began giggling? It would ruin his character for the entire game!"
"Um… excuse me…" a silken voice called from the front entrance of the town hall.
Vulpes appeared in full costume, trying to keep his gaze from wandering over the gory set design.
"Get back to your place. We're about to start the first take," the director ordered.
"I just… I wanted to know—oh, God," Vulpes stuttered when he accidentally caught sight of a realistic-looking mauled corpse. Eyes going skyward, he continued, "I-I just wanted to know if wearing this dead animal on my head is necessary. It smells."
The director exhaled in vexation. "Yeah, it's necessary, and we're wasting time. Places, everyone!"
"But—"
"Now."
Five minutes later, as M!Courier #1 approached the town hall for the confrontation scene, the production assistant leaned toward the director.
"Sir, are you sure we should have him in that special effects makeup?" she whispered.
"Shhh. This is a test of Vulpes's acting skill."
It started out well enough. Vulpes emerged from the doors and marched down the stairs with a sweeping air of confidence, completely in character.
"Don't worry," he drawled in his snake-like tone, "I won't have you lashed to a cross like the rest of these degenerates. It's useful that you—"
He froze when he got a close-up look of M!Courier #1's mutilated face, which included a bloody eyeball dangling from its socket and swinging merrily across his cheek.
Vulpes turned an alarming shade of white. "…Useful that you hap… that you happened…"
And without further ceremony, he keeled over and hit the ground, out cold.
Part 6: Meet Vulpes Inculta
"That fainting incident was not my fault," Vulpes seethed to the camera, fanning himself with a Legion centurion's feathered helmet. "They know I have a delicate constitution, and yet insist on pulling this uncalled for crap."
"How did you even get cast for that part?" a legionary extra next to him asked. "The Legion is all about blood and battle, murder and death—"
"They needed someone pretty as the frumentarii leader," Vulpes replied matter-of-factly. "I was the only logical choice."
"Yeah, but you go through so many takes because you're always passing out from one thing or another. Or vomiting."
"Well, have you smelled that headdress I have to wear?" Vulpes demanded. "I'm fairly certain they simply dunked someone's recently deceased dog into the river a few times and then fashioned it into a costume. Who wouldn't gag from inhaling that disgusting thing?"
"Hey, Vulpes! I've got the answer to all your problems with the Nipton scenes!" the director announced, ambling up to the actor's interview seat. "We'll replace your headdress with a faux version, and I want you to wear this while you're doing your lines with the Courier(s)."
Vulpes took the piece of black cloth held out to him. "…A blindfold?"
"We're taking desperate measures here."
"But… I won't be able to see anything."
The director bent forward, a maniacal glint in his eye as he sneered. "Exactly."