I love her.

I know and believe that I truly do.

But I was caught up between the idea of being her brother or, a man who sees her as a woman.

I think this is entirely my fault.

Lately, my sister's been acting strange. I showed her something I shouldn't have. I wanted to stop her. I think its too late for that.

I can't entriely put all the blame on her, because I can't even control my own emotion.

Often times, its just too overwhelming that I really have to repeatedly curse at myself to cease it.

The last thing I would want to do is to see her hurt. Knowing that i'm capable of hurting her kills me.

We're the same but we're also different.

We get along pretty well unlike any other siblings.

We share a lot of common things, from food to movies.

But we most likely don't look alike.

Yeah, we're not twins so that kind of explains it but, there really is a huge difference in our appearance that people have mistaken us as an item when we're together.

I look normal.

Not that my sister looks abnormal, she is beautiful.

She stands out in a crowd.

She gives off this mysterious aura, you would want to know her more.

I'm most definitely not a ladies' man.

I can't hold a proper conversation with strangers.

I'm utterly surprised that Asuka is my girlfriend, she's my complete opposite.

I give off this I don't really care vibe. Asuka is probably just one nosy girl to begin with.

Our parents work in different countries.

They don't spend most of their time with us.

They clearly set their priorities, and obviously its not us.

They send us money and check on us once in a while.

During those times we welcome them with fake smiles painted on our faces.

Of course they would always believe us.

They're pretty proud of themselves that even though they're not around, we grew up excelling in our studies.

Never did they hear a single complain from any of us.

We lived the life they wanted us to have.

We've relied on each other all our lives, we've got no one else to lean on.

Our parents don't have a clue to any of the shits we're facing in school.

We've never opened our hearts to others.

We only have each other, and to us that was enough.

That was what I thought.

Not until I have crossed that borderline.

Not until she have accepted me beyond that borderline.

To her, this is unfair. She is so naive. She is one of the most gentle persons that I have known, not that I know too many.

I want her untainted, she is special.

After some time, after certain events took place, slowly, I distanced myself from Rei.

I spend more time with Asuka which makes her totally happy, but I make sure that I still do my responsibilities as her brother.

She didn't say anything, but I could see hurt in her eyes.

In my part, being a big idiot that I am, what i'm doing has also caused me self-inflicted pain.

Today, we're eating dinner a bit more quiet than before.

"She is pregnant."

It just came out of the blue.

Its as if the pain I was forcing on her wasn't enough.

I couldn't be any less sensitive about her feelings.

What reaction should I expect from the girl across me.

What is it that I want to get from starting this conversation.

She isn't moving.

She didn't even flinch.

In a brief moment, our whole world stopped.

I'm just intently studying her, still waiting for whatever that is bound to happen.

After what seemed like an eternity, she stands up.

I remain sitted, still waiting.

She is clearly avoiding any eye contact, keeping her eyes locked on the ground.

Finally, words she carefully chose to spit out come out of her mouth.

"How do you want me to respond to that?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, brother, I really don't know what to say."

The emphasis in the word brother shows that she is on the verge of emotional breakdown.

Without looking up, Rei wa about to leave the dining area before I got a hold of her arm.

"What do you really want me to do?"

She said in a shaky voice.

I wanted to hug her.

I wanted to apologize.

If I could change how things are, I would've done that ages ago.

But what am I doing?

I tightly chained my hand in her arm.

What do I really want from her?

"You're a coward."

This is surprising to me.

She is doing all the talking.

I could feel the weight of her heavy breathing and how she is managing to hold back the tears so badly.

The grip of my hand in her arm just tightens even more as the atmosphere around us continues to darken.

"How about me? How about Asuka? You're only thinking of yourself."

I always thought I was doing things for Rei's sake.

Growing up together and playing the good ol role of being the great big brother.

I thought that I was doing a great job, tending to her needs as she blooms into a fine young lady that I would be proud of.

I think I overdid it.

"If you're going to abandon me, just do so. Why do you have to use her to hurt me!"

Rei falls down to her knees as she brings her free hand to cover her face.

I stand up and kneel beside her, not letting go of her arm.

I don't want for any of these to happen.

It pains me most to see her like this.

She is right, i'm nothing but a coward.

A selfish coward who thinks nothing but his own happiness.

I've been blinded by the beauty of love I was receiving from my sister.

Mindlessly doing things that I thought would benefit her in the uttermost, the truth is i'm doing it because it makes me satisfied.

I needed her to need me.

Fascinated to the thought that she would always lean on me, I shut her in a world I created.

I made her unable to trust no one but me.

I am the sole root of her destruction.

I wanted her all for myself. I craved beyond what she was supposed to give, but the idea of an outlawed affair scares me.

"I feel sorry for myself. That no matter what you do to me, no matter how harsh this reality you are pushing on me, I will always choose you. After endless rejections. It will always be you Shinji. Over and over."

There's a silent pause before she continues.

"But don't you think this is too much?"

After that, everything was a blur. Next thing I know, Asuka is the one sitting beside me.

"What did you do this time?"
We are at my room. I can't clearly remember when and how.

We are both sitting on the bed, lights are off.

"Where is Rei?"

I mumbled.

I can't remember anything. I think I blacked out. So ironic I was the one who blacked out. Such a sorry ass.

"I checked on her just a while ago. She is resting. Took me forever to drag her inside her room. Your sister was a mess when I came. You were lying flat on the ground while she was sobbing uncontrollably. She wouldn't even tell me what happened. Damn, I thought you're hurt or something. Looking at you right now, you seem okay. I mean, physically you're good. Mentally, not so sure. Did you two fight?"

I wasn't really listening to her.

My mind is filled with countless things, its really hard to focus.

"Hey. Are you even with me right now? What the heck is happening? This is bugging me out."

She pushes me, my back crashing softly on the supposed to be warm thick sheet of the bed, but I feel cold, I didn't even notice Asuka lying on top of me.

"You've been so out of it lately. Tell me about it."

She whispers ever so softly on my ear as I slowly come back to my senses then she begins to play with my hair. Gently swirling the locks in her fingers.

I close my eyes as I start to relax against her warmth and once again get lost in my train of thought.

I love her.

But its half-baked.

Reality is I, desperately, try so hard to love her.

But Asuka is controlling and meddlesome.

That's when I hold back, can't help it, I hate that part of her.

We never run out of stories to tell, words to say, actions to do.

Still, you know that feeling when someone struggles real hard to strike a conversation because, well, that someone just hungers for attention.

I always feel it when i'm with her, its so unnatural that it could get really tiring.

Why do I stay, tolerating this facade.

'Cause I know she wants me to.

That's what I really needed. It could be anybody, it just happened to be her.

To put it simple, I'm just an attention freak, its the only possible explanation.

At least when i'm with her, I don't feel any guilt.

I feel like i'm just a normal man in love with another woman.

We would walk in the streets, hand in hand, without caring what others are thinking.

Aren't the two of them siblings? Don't you think they're way too close. They stick together all the time.

We won't have to put up with dirty stares and whispering.

She is old enough to take care of herself, I think he is being overprotective of her sister, he couldn't keep his sight off her for a second.

Other people won't be able to hurt us because in their eyes, we are doing something indecent and unacceptable.

You know you're being a bit of a spoiled brat for always clinging on your brother right? Are you in love with him? Ew! You can't do that! You guys make us sick!

We would end the day with smiles plastered on our lips, engulfed in the swarm of happiness.

I think they're together.

Really? Yuck. That's the grossest thing ever. Haha!

Look at how close they are. I'm not like that when i'm with my siblings.

Yeah, you're right. They're probably doing things that lovers do. Hahahahaha!

Oh my gosh! You did not!

Hahahahahahaha.

Whoa. Stop it, I think they can hear us.

Who cares, they're weirdos.

Because some people don't understand what we've been through.

That life is not always rainbows and sunshines.

That some people like us are having a hard time sucking that fact up.

My, look at her. She is such a slut. Smiling like that while flirting with her brother.

I know right!

Such a shame, she is so pretty.

Nah, she is a big flirt. I hate her.

You're just jealous. Haha!

Shut up!

Don't listen to them Rei, you're not any of what they are saying.

It is normal to take care of each other, we have no one else.

I won't let them hurt you so just stay close to me.

You don't need them, they're not friends.

You have me, don't let their words bother you.

They're just going to use you, they can't do that.

Not when I'm here protecting you.

"Who is using who? Will you always protect me?"

"Rei?"

I thought I heard her voice.

I thought she's the one lying with me.

I fell asleep unknowingly.

The weight against me moves.

"Go check on her."

Asuka stands up and fixes her clothes.

I sit up, encircle my arms around her waist and rest my head against her stomach.

"Did you tell her?"

I nodded.

She sighs.

"That explains why. I need to go. Check up early in the morning"

She removes my arms, pecks me on the lips and grabs her bag.

"I'll see you out."

We walked out of my room, descending in the hallow darkness of the hallways.

I'm absent-mindedly taking my time to drag my feet on the floor, slowly, each step getting heavy as we near the front door.

The wide-opened front door.

It didn't take me another second before I hurriedly fly my way to her room.

My whole body shaking and feet a lot heavier than before.

The journey from the front door to her room was the longest i've had in my entirely life.

The loud thumping of my heart that wanted to explode any minute from now.

Her door is open.

Her wardrobe is open.

Some clothes are gone.

Her bag is gone.

Phone is gone.

I fall to my knees, wishing I could sink further.

She is gone.

I love her.

A/N: I knoooow. This took me forever. Hahaha. My deepest apologies guys. It is hard to write a first person POV but I really wanted to properly show certain scenarios that only one's personal experience is able to properly convey. I did try my best to stay true to the character's own personalities but I wanna give it a touch of my own. I've always wondered, when reading a literary work or watching a motion picture, what is happening inside their heads. While other works tend to leave you hanging or craving for more, I wanted to take a peak at the characters mind and crazy thoughts. I would always put something different once in a while, life is full of surprises after all. One advice that I could probably give you readers, and i'm doing this myself, is that don't expect anything, don't predict, predict, and predict... just lose yourself in reading and you'll enjoy a whole lot of stories. Hihi. Love you guys.