Satsuki and I haven't spoken in weeks, it feels. It's probably been much less, but I intend to keep it this way. As much as I know I should say something, anything, to the pinkette, my throat closes up and my mind goes black and my vision turns red whenever she comes into view. I know she's only trying to look out for me, that she has my best interests at heart, but what does she know? It was a mistake to trust her this much, a mistake to take up two sports again, and a mistake to think she'd understand.
I'll be the first to admit my behavior is not anything to be proud of. My responses are short, blunt, and often not very helpful. I'm holding a grudge, it seems, and while I'd argue such an action is beneath me, it obviously isn't.
"Hai-chan, I think-" I turn slightly to glance at Satsuki, to wonder what she'll try saying this time, but the pink-haired girl sighs and shakes her head. "Nevermind." So I don't. I'll pretend she didn't even say my name, and I'll go on with shooting hoops aimlessly.
This whole ordeal is problematic for Daiki, I'm sure, but I'm not about to ask him to pick sides. Let him do what he wants. I'm burning bridges I should be keeping, but each time I see the pinkette all I can hear is her telling me to quit. I had enough of that at home. I had enough of that when I went to Teiko. I'm not about to let those words slide again, because it's not okay anymore.
I'm tired of being underestimated, and tired of not being believed in, and sick and tired of always hurting and not getting anything out of it. I know who it is that I'm actually angry at, but I keep pushing the thought away, as if it won't surface again in the next five minutes. My next shot hits the rim and bounces back.
The feel of the ball, rough and rubbery beneath my fingers, feels alien. I'm not focusing hard enough, and I keep letting myself become distracted. What a waste. I think to myself, lips curling into a forlorn smile. What a waste of talent. I retake the shot.
I know we should be doing drills, that I should be joining them, but instead I'm acting childishly and practicing by myself. There's a practice match tomorrow where Daiki will fail to show and I will fail to act like myself. My heart thumps lazily.
"Hai-chan, you should forgive Momoi already." Wakamatsu says as he sits on top of the strange stage-like structure. "She hasn't smiled all day."
Some noise of acknowledgement pushes past my lips before I take another shot, trying to focus elsewhere. I know this isn't Satsuki's fault, and that I'm being selfish, but right now I'm not sure I can help it. "Oi, at least look at me when I'm talking!" Wakamatsu says, this time his voice growing a little louder.
My mouth turns downward into a displeased scowl. "Please leave me alone, Wakamatsu." I say quietly, trying to keep my volitile temper in check. "I don't need a lecture right now."
"I said look at me!" Wakamatsu suddenly yells, standing and walking a few steps toward me. I don't make my shot. It bounches off the rim and drops. "You're acting like a child! It's not fair to Momoi and it's not fair to us! She's just trying to look out for you and all you do is throw a tantrum!" I'm halfway to the ball, almost ready to pick it up, when I freeze.
"I'm throwing a tantrum?" I ask icily, finishing the motion and walking back toward Wakamatsu. "I'm throwing a tantrum. That's so incredibly rude of me. I'm really just an American brat, right?" The blond backs up hastily, crashing into the stage. "That's right. I'm an American brat. Foreigners like me have no manners. What can I say? It must be the way I was raised."
Wakamatsu's mouth opens and closes silently, as if he's trying to speak. "I guess you'd take it just fine if you were told to quit something you love, right? I'm sure you would. Unfortunately, I wasn't raised that way. Let me tell you a secret, Wakamatsu." I crouch down and shove the ball into his chest. "I don't need your lectures. Who do you think you are, my father? Please excuse this ill-mannered American. I've clearly not met your standards. Please submit them in writing and I will do my best to accommodate you."
I know this anger is irrational. I know I should just calm the hell down and apologize to Satsuki and Wakamatsu and go home, but some unwanted sense of pride keeps my mouth sealed as I have some sort of staredown with the blond boy. His gaze doesn't waver, but mine does. "I'm sorry." I say quietly.
"Wha-" Shock passes over his face as I stand, walking away.
"Satsuki!" I call, turning to face the pink-haired girl. She looks at me in surprise for a few seconds. I bow deeply. "I'm sorry! I've mistreated you, and you've done nothing to deserve it." I hold the bow a few minutes, waiting in silence before standing upright. "I'm going home. I've been disruptive today."
There's a strange silence as I make my way out of the gym. It isn't the stony sort, devoid of all emotion and coming to a swell of disapproval. It's just the slightest bit expectant, holding its breath as if waiting for something or someone to explode into dialogue and fill the ears of everyone around with soothing or violent words.
Unfortunately, that air remains even after I've left. It's warm out, just warm enough to chase any remaining thoughts of going back inside as long as I can bask in the sunlight a little longer. Where can I go? I don't want to go home, not now. My apartment has felt tense and cold lately, and I have no intention of going back.
Daiki will be pissed if I go and see Kagami in that strange, jealous way of his. Kuroko is likely still in club activities, and I don't have work. Ah, what can I do to fill the time? What can I do to avoid going home? I head for the roof of the gym, where Daiki likes to waste time and where I can't seem to catch my breath.
It's chillier up here, something I should have accounted for when I left my belongings down below, but the fait warmth of the sun soaks into my dark clothing, and I'm tempted to stretch out across the floor. I give in to temptation, deciding that since I have a number of things to think over quite thoroughly, I might as well be comfortable while doing so.
What's my first course of action? I've apologized, sincerely, but that doesn't mean that Satsuki will forgive me. To be honest, I wouldn't blame her for holding a grudge. She's too forgiving, and I hope that nobody will take advantage of that. I need to sort out my priorities.
I think my biggest issue by far is how I've been handling two sports. Back in the States, this would never be an issue. Sports come in seasons, so why is it that here sports are all year-round in high school? It's not really a complaint, but more a curiosity. It's certainly making this much harder than it needs to be.
I already know I shouldn't be playing basketball, especially on this team. How they even let me play boys' basketball, I'll never know. I figure it's better not to ask at all. I want to play. It's not an issue. My bigger, more serious question is "Should I?" Should I play basketball? Should I quit? I don't want to quit. I'd like to play as long as I possibly can.
Quitting softball isn't an option in my mind, either. I want to play both. My grades haven't suffered yet, and my job is still going steady. What's left? Oh, right. Self-care. At this rate, I'll barely make it through college, and in old age I'll be riddled by pain. That's something I can live with, I think. All this fun for some pain down the road? Doesn't it just balance out? I'll be fine, right?
Regardless of old age and artheritis, I still need to look after myself now. I shouldn't rely on Satsuki or Daiki or any of the others to keep myself in one piece. Maybe I'm being too reckless with my body. It's not in my nature to hold back, not when it comes to competition, but maybe I can attempt avoiding injuries more, for Satsuki's sake if not my own.
It won't do me any good to take up training on my own at the moment. I'm cherishing all the sleep I'm getting and if I wake up any earlier I might just kill someone. I'll have to thank Hayashi for praticing with me in the mornings everyday. It must be a pain in the ass.
What should I do? There's really no right answer to my knowledge, but there has to be a better one that I have now. I can't afford to quit my job, and like hell I'm gonna drop out of school. Maybe I should spend more time resting, or at least, taking preventative measures in the case of injury. I normally do a good job, at least, that's what I'd like to think, but there must be something better. There has to be a better way.
Whether it's the fact that I'm starting to run on empty or the lazy warmth of the sun, I find myself drifting toward sleep. It's a slow process, filled with the sounds of soft footsteps, cheerful birds, and the low rumbling of passing cars. The heat of the sun coats me like a blanket, and I bask in it. It'll be especially cold soon, and I'm not looking forward to it.
"Hai-chan..." I can hear Satsuki's voice whispering quietly, "Hai-chan, you need to come back into the gym, okay? It's important." I open on eye slowly, watching the pink-haired girl come into focus and drift out just as slowly.
"Just five more minutes, Satsuki. It's so nice up here." For a few moments, I hear nothing. Then a deep sigh pushes past her lips.
"Hai-chan, there's someone here that you should really... I think you'd need to see it to believe me." I open my eyes at the quiet notes of desperation that start to coat her voice. Satsuki never sounds like this, quiet and resigned, maybe even tense. "It's important, I promise."
"O-Okay." I follow her down the ladder, toward the gym once more. Knots of dread are filling my stomach and tightening their grip around my throat like a noose. My palms are starting to sweat, and I think my voice might crack if I attempt speech.
"Please don't get mad, Hai-chan. I didn't mean to let him in. He just barged in and I couldn't stop him-" Satsuki's eyes are pleading with me, and my stomach drops into my shoes.
"Who is it?" I ask so quietly Satsuki has to have me repeat the question.
"A-About that..." She opens the door instead of answering, and I'm greeted with a sight I wish I could've avoided.
If I had to describe my brother, I'd have to say he looks like me, but taller. His shoulders have broadened, and he's definitely filled out. His eyes have gotten more intense, less joyful and more calculating.
"So you finally came, Alex. Did you miss me?" He asks, blue eyes going cold. I swallow thickly. "What, aren't you excited to see me after all this time? Or were you having too much fun to think about the rest of us?"
"Alex, who is that?" Imayoshi asks, his eyes widening slightly as my hands turn to fists.
"Of course I missed you. At first, at least. I heard you've been here quite frequently, Derek. It's a shame you didn't drop by earlier." I reply as calmly as I can. "But that can't be helped."
"You're still the same sort of person." Derek says with that stupid grin of this that practically announces what he thinks of me. "The kind that gets pushed around."
"Imayoshi, this is my brother, Derek." I say after a few heartbeats. "I'm sorry he's causing so much trouble. I didn't know he'd come here."
"Are you ignoring me, Alex?" The grin is dropped so fast I almost miss the action. "It took a lot of time to find my way here, you know."
"What do you want? There's no way you'd be here if it didn't benefit you." My eyes narrow slightly.
"I'm here to invite you to the funeral, not that you'll be allowed to attend. Got to keep up appearances, you know." As my eyes widen, Derek's grin gets wider and wider, like some sort of twisted imitation of the Cheshire cat. "It's a shame you can't go, of course. Dad would've been so disappointed his oldest daughter couldn't spare the time to see him one last time."
My body has gone stiff and straight, and I can feel all the blood in my face draining away. "What?" My heart is beating faster and faster, and my chest feels so tight I can hardly breathe. "What do you mean, funeral? What's going on, Derek?"
"Didn't you know?" The way he feigns innocence chokes me. "Oh, that's right. Nobody told you, huh? That's okay, since you aren't his daughter anymore anyway." I have to tear my gaze away as my vision blurs. Weakness here will be used against me.
The room is silent. The lack of noise is suffocating, and I can hardly dare to break it. "What was the purpose of you coming here?" I ask after a few minutes. "What do you want from me?" Derek says nothing for a few minutes, walking toward the Touou starters. There's a tension that fills the air, suffocating everyone, as he looks at them all quietly before his eyes land on the newly arrived Daiki.
"Blue hair? How unusual." Derek muses, walking toward him. "I wonder if it's real..."
"Don't ignore me!" I shout, stepping toward him briskly."You have no right to be here!"
For a moment, he actually stops. For a minute, he turns to me slowly, with a disgusting grin stretching from ear to ear. For a second, the tingles racing down my spine intensify. Then, faster than I can react, I find myself on the floor with my cheek stinging.
The tension snaps just like that, with a surge of movement before I get up and dust myself off. "Is that how you want to play this?" I ask, ignoring the confusion that begins to stretch across Derek's face. Hesitation drains from my body. "Is this the type of person she made you?"
The tension is returning. I crack my knuckles slowly, trying to drag back my calm. Then I look Derek in the face once more. "What a disappointment you've turned out to be. Mom must be so proud of you."
The faint glimmer of triumph in Derek's eyes dies as I step forward. For each step I take, he takes one back. "How could you stay here?" He asks. "After all the things Japan has done to the US. After World War I." I grit my teeth.
"Get your facts straight before you try lecturing me. World War I has nothing to do with me! It has nothing to do with anyone in this room! It's in the past, and holding the mistakes of former governments against the present people of those countries is disgusting!" My voice is rising.
"Hai, what is going on?" Imayoshi asks, starting to step closer.
"Please stay where you are." I say flatly. "This has nothing to do with you. I will take care of it. Leave if you'd like. I'm sorry for the interruption."
Things start when a fist crashs into my jaw. I dance out of the way as Derek stumbles clumsily toward me, still swinging recklessly. I have to duck under a long, over-extended arm to hook my ankle around his and send him crashing into the floor. He always was one for losing his temper, but the violence is new.
He gets up quickly, scrabbling for purchase on the waxy floor and lunging for me again. I dodge again. If I can remain out of reach and tire him out, then Derek will leave. He doesn't have any persistence, and it's what's frequently caused him to fail. Derek will abandon anything he doesn't have talent for or success in immediately. I'm just glad that isn't a trait I picked up.
"You little-"
"You have no respect for anyone, Derek. That's why you aren't going to get very far." If I can tire him out a little faster, it would be best. He lunges a few more times before I see his eyes grow calm. Ah, yes. On occasion, Derek can actually accomplish things with his own two hands. I guess I've really pissed him off this time.
His fist barely grazes my cheekbone as I dart out of reach. I'm not sure how to end this, but it needs to be soon. "Dad's dead, ya know." He says calmly, loosening his limbs. "He'd be disappointed in you, I think. He didn't even get to see you one last time. Mom was right about you. You're selfish. You only do what's right for you and abandon the rest of us."
My eyes go wide again. He's got to be lying, right? What he said earlier, and this, all of this is a big hoax, right? I don't want to believe it. "That's right, Alex. I think Dad died of a broken heart, all because his little girl wouldn't come home." My body is heavy, and I forget to dodge.
Then, for a moment, everything comes crystal clear. My fist smashes into his face, a solid crunch sounding beneath my knuckles as Derek staggers back, screaming as his hands rush to his face. I take another step, my arm pulls back and flies forward, and he topples backward as unexpected force collides with his jaw.
"Don't talk to me about Dad. Don't talk to me about broken hearts. You will leave here, and you will not come back. Do you understand me, Derek?" The blue-eyed boy glares at me from behind tears, blood dripping from behind his fingers. "If you don't, I'll teach you myself. Don't talk to me again."
I watch blankly as he stumbles to his feet, spewing swears left and right, before racing out of the gym. "Hai-chan, what... what just happened?" Satsuki asks, coming closer. I try to think of something to say, something to explain this event, but nothing will come to mind.
"I... I punched him." I say with confusion. "He said things I didn't want to hear..."
Satsuki looks just as confused as I feel, and every time I try to open my mouth to try and make sense of things, nothing will come out. "What did he say, Hai-chan?" Satsuki asks softly as she steps toward me.
I think Dad died of a broken heart, all because his little girl wouldn't come home. My body tenses, my eyes widen slightly, and my lip quivers. "I'm going home." I say quietly. "I'm going to go home."
With that, I walk out and pretend I can't hear Satsuki yelling behind me, and when I hear footsteps, I take off like my life depends on it.