Chapter Five
…In the Green Room….
Caroline and Elena are Skyping with Bonnie and Jeremy. Stefan sits alongside his brother, who is clearly formulating a master plan.
"Look at them," Damon whispers to his brother, chin-pointing toward The Lost Boys. "What a bunch of washed-up has-beens. We are so much cooler than they are. We have to win this."
Stefan sighs as Damon takes out his cell phone and dials The Lockwood residence.
"What are you doing?" Stefan asks him.
"Just checking in on my favorite pooch," Damon replies as he gets up and moves toward the door. He passes by Katherine who is getting herself a drink.
From across the room Max stares at Katherine as she leans over the water cooler turned blood warmer filling a Family Feud logo'd mug. She takes a plastic orange stirrer from the dispenser, dips it in and circles it around slowly.
Marko notices this and nudges David, who in turn motions to Dwayne and Paul. They all stop and watch Max make his move.
The elder vampire straightens up, his posture near perfect. He licks his palm, runs it over his hair to smooth down the fly-aways and pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. He clears his throat and begins to advance toward the chocolate haired she-vamp. Just as he reaches her, David sneezes loudly, "Loser!"
Katherine whirls around, long curls flowing through the air. She gives Max a nasty look and stomps off. Max turns to David, his eyes yellowing in rage.
"She's not your type," Marko tells Max.
"Yeah," Paul agrees. "She's not an old divorcee with two kids."
Max's fangs drop and he snarls.
Announcer: Back in ten everyone.
Ryan Seacrest stands at the podium, practicing his smile. His assistant hands him new cue cards and checks his microphone.
The families file out onto the stage, taking their places once again. The audience cheers loudly. The announcer begins the countdown as the camera pans in on the host.
"Welcome back to Vampire Family Feud!" Ryan says. "Damon and Dwayne – time to play the Feud!"
Damon wears his cocky smile as he walks to the podium. Audience members scream loudly. The elder Salvatore stops halfway and turns in a circle, with arms outstretched to each side showing off his eternally youthful physique. He unbuttons his shirt, exposing his muscular, yet hairless (a rare thing for a man claiming he's of Italian descent) chest. His hips sway back and forth as he grinds the air. His fans scream louder.
Stefan and Elena roll their eyes. Caroline snorts and mutters under her breath "Oh please, Matt's bigger." The microphone picks up her reply sending it out over the speakers. A hush falls over the audience.
Could it be true? They wonder.
Katherine bites the tip of her finger as she watches Damon, who sneers an "I sincerely doubt that," Caroline's way.
"He is. Trust me." Katherine says, winking at Caroline.
Dwayne starts laughing uncontrollably as do the other Lost Boys. Caroline looks at Katherine, veins filling the space below her eyes in the beginning of a jealous rage.
"Stay away from Matt," Caroline snarls.
"Caroline," Stefan warns his fellow vamp, "she's just trying to make you mad."
"It seems to be working," Elena whispers as she watches the fangs appear amidst her friend's teeth.
"Can we just play the game please?" Ryan interrupts, with a huff.
Damon and Dwayne take their positions opposite each other at the podium.
"One hundred people surveyed. Top five answers on the board," Ryan reads from the card. The camera pans to the board where five answer slots are covered. "Name something a secretary might throw at her boss when she quits."
Dwayne and Damon both strike the buzzers. The light flashes on The Lost Boys side, indicating Dwayne was faster. Damon's face wrinkles unhappily.
"Dwayne?" Ryan asks turning to the long haired vampire.
"Damon's small penis," Dwayne replies, holding his thumb and forefinger up to indicate how tiny the appendage is.
Damon clears the podium with a single leap, latching onto Dwayne's neck. Dwayne jumps up into the air, throwing Damon across the stage where he collides with Stefan, who has come forward to help. Dwayne hovers overhead – laughing. His family (with the exception of Max) laughs along.
Damon growls and charges again, this time Ryan Seacrest reaches out and grabs him, preventing him from crossing mid-stage.
The audience boos Ryan loudly.
"Let them fight!" someone yells.
"IT'S MY SHOW!" Ryan's angry yet fangless facade contorts as he sparkles brightly under the stage lights. He turns to Dwayne. "You're outta here."
Dwayne looks at him blankly.
"You heard me," Ryan waves him off stage. "Send in the other one."
"The other one?" The Petrova-Salvatore Family look at each other in confusion.
An old man wanders in carrying a bag of Oreo cookies and a bottle of root beer. He's going bald on top, but a long white braid trails down his back. His nametag reads "Old Fart."
"Who the hell is he?" Damon points to the man as he questions the host.
"He's Grandpa," Ryan replies. There are a few scattered claps from the audience.
The old man stands next to the podium, sucking down the last drops of root beer. "What was the question?" he asks the Ryan.
"Name something a secretary might throw at her boss when she quits," Ryan repeats.
"Eh, I ain't never had a secretary," the old man tells them as he removes an Oreo from the package. He bites into it and thinks for a minute.
"Why is it HIS turn?" Damon demands. "Are there no rules now?'
"Yeah," Ryan replies. "Like any of you ever play by the rules."
"A little help please?" Damon turns to his teammates for support. They shrug helplessly.
"How about a pen?" the old man suggests.
"Show me pen," Ryan announces.
DING! The number four spot flips over.
"Looks like we're going to The Lost Boys!" Ryan announces as he heads over to their side for the first time this game.
"Unbelievable!" Damon throws his hands in the air.
"David," Ryan stands in front of the platinum-haired vampire. "Tell me what you do for a living."
"I kill people," David replies.
Ryan scratches his forehead. "Can you tell me something a secretary might throw at her boss when she quits."
"A co-worker," David answers with a sly grin.
"I can see this is going to be a very short game," Ryan comments. "Show me co-worker."
BUZZZZZZZ!
A red strike appears.
"Alright Max," Ryan moves to the head of household. "What's your answer?"
"I've had a few secretaries leave on not-so-good terms," Max tells Ryan. "And I'm going to say office supplies."
"Good Answer," Ryan says.
BEEP BEEP
BEEP BEEP
"Okay," Ryan nods at Simon Cowell who is seated in the front row of the audience. "Max, they want you to be more specific."
"A stapler," Max says.
Ryan looks at Simon, who nods approval.
"Show me stapler!"
DING!
The number one spot flips over.
Ryan moves to Marko. "Hello Marko," he greets the shortest of The Lost Boys.
"Hello Ryan," Marko smirks.
"Answer please," Ryan asks.
"Panties," Marko replies as he hi-fives Paul.
Ryan sighs tiredly.
"Show me panties," he says.
BUZZZZZZZ!
Two red strikes appear.
Ryan turns to the Petrova-Salvatore Family. "That's two strikes, soon to be three," he looks at Paul. "Get ready to steal."
"Name something a secretary might throw at her boss when she quits."
"Scissors," Paul replies. Marko and David crack up. Max's face reddens in anger.
"Strike three," Ryan says.
BUZZZZZZ!
Three red strikes appear.
"Going over to the Petraova-Salvatore Family for the steal," Ryan says. He starts at the end of the podium with Caroline. "Three answers remain."
"Keys!" the blonde exclaims.
"Damon?"
"Hot coffee."
"Elena?"
"Mail."
"Stefan?"
"Business Cards."
"Alright Katherine," Ryan says as he stands beside her. They both look up at the board. "If you get this right, you win the game. If not we keep playing."
"I'm going to agree with Stefan," Katherine takes the hand of the teenage vampire next to her. "Business cards."
"For the win," Ryan announces. "Show me business cards!"
Everyone holds their breath in anticipation.
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Happy First Day of Summer!
-Gemma