What was most upsetting to Santana about Michael's proposition was that it seemed to have ruined everything from its mere mention. Every kiss she gave her queen felt false and every 'I love you' felt like a betrayal. She still loved Brittany with all her heart, but every moment that passed with her still considering leaving felt like a harsh biting lie to someone that meant the world to her. And what was more Brittany seemed to sense it; she would say nothing other than to offer her ear should Santana want to share, which was another point of contention within her.
She couldn't decide whether or not to tell Brittany.
At first it seemed a simple thing, since the decision to disappear one day would affect her queen greatly, and it left Santana with an odd sensation in her stomach to think of Brittany waking to find her gone with no explanation. Leaving the blonde alone and abandoned with her hateful brute of a husband.
However.
She did fear what would happen if she told the queen. What if she were so desperate for Santana not to leave she told someone of the plan? It seemed the definition of unlikely, but then again she would have been just as sure that she wouldn't be brutally beaten as punishment for laying with Sam. Her masters had shown her the depths of cruelty that could be within the kindest person. With Brittany everything inside her felt sure that the same thing wouldn't happen, but still she couldn't bring herself to say anything, because it wasn't just her life on the line. If something she said led to the plan being found out, and Tina and Michael were made to suffer because of it, she wouldn't be able to forgive herself.
And all of this was before she considered whether to go or not.
Currently she was using the idea of not leaving as an excuse not to tell Brittany anything when the guilt got to be too much. She would spend hours trying to even identify which option was the coward's way out only to conclude that they were both dangerous and both could lead to death or a life of sadness. Which put the decision back in her lap with the simple question: Do you love her enough to stay?
And when she looked at Brittany and felt her kisses the answer was yes.
But when she would lead the queen to her bedchambers at night to find Archibald skulking in her room the idea of escape trumped any amorous feelings. There were so many negatives to staying; Archibald and his temper, her enslavement, the war that was still brewing overseas and at the borders, and not least of all having to pretend not to see the bruises that were reappearing slowly all over the blonde.
Then Brittany would kiss her and pull her into bed and she would be back to the beginning of her internal loop of thoughts just like that.
It didn't help that Brittany took to sex like she had taken to dancing, the moment she felt she had the hang of things she reversed their positions, taking great pleasure in leading their horizontal dance. The action only served to pull Santana further under her spell and give her time to fret over the upcoming decisions. With Brittany above her she couldn't help but wonder what kind of life she could even live overseas without her lover. What were the odds that she would ever find someone as wonderful again, and what meaning would her life hold if she were to leave the best thing in it behind.
She let her mind war over the issue daily and though the hunter's moon was some time away she knew she needed to come to a conclusion. Whether it be to stay or to go she needed to be sure and either take or leave the chance because she knew it to be the right thing.
The problem was, that after all the internal debate, she wasn't any closer to knowing what to do. This remained the case until one night, after she had put the queen to bed, when she slipped back out of her room and made her way down to the kitchens. From there she entered the seedy, dark room where the castle servants came to forget their woes and found Puck sitting in the far corner, nursing a mug. Suddenly she realized that the potential answer to her problem was the same as it had always been.
The man received the same offer she had, but he rejected the notion right away. Somehow he had managed to immediately think of a reason not to go and she desperately needed to know what it was.
Not wanting to run over and start spouting off about Tina and Michael's escape plan she got a mug of the nearly onyx liquid and sat down next to him. He grunted in acknowledgement and stared over at the only other person in the room, a man slumped over his table across the way, snoring loudly. Santana had seen him before in the armory - he was the master smith if her memory was correct.
"He got news his son died fighting alongside the king," Puck said softly before taking another drink.
Santana sat next to him and watched the large man take deep rumbly breaths, "Is there any other news of the war?"
"Nothin' but the news of deaths n' small victories. Th' queen's heard nothin'?"
Santana smiled thinking of her lover's progress with her note, "No, she did receive a letter from her sister, but so far she and Matthew have only been able to translate a greeting and a few minor facts about her other siblings. It makes her happy though."
They were silent for a moment as they emptied their mugs, but soon Santana began to fidget from eagerness to ask the question that was burning a hole in her.
After a while he gave her a sidelong glance, "Somethin' on your mind, love?"
"Why are you staying?" she asked outright.
He chuckled, seeming to know exactly what she was talking about, "They asked you too, huh?"
"Yes, but I don't know what I should do."
Puck frowned, "I woulda thought you'd be ready ta go."
She set her mug down and rubbed her hands together, "There is more to my life here than just me."
He looked her over before a smile graced his face, "You found someone didn't you?"
With a slight blush she nodded, "I did, and I want to leave, but…"
"Tell Michael, I'm sure he'd let her come, I'm not goin' so there's a free spot."
"I've thought of that, but… her leaving may complicate things."
It was clear that confused him, but he nodded regardless, "Did ya ask her what she wants?"
"I don't think I should. I just want to know why you aren't going, and maybe it will be clearer to me."
"Oh, I'm stayin' cause life's good here," he said with a smile.
Santana had to check his face to see if he meant the comment to be humorous, "What?"
He sighed and scratched the back of his neck, "Look, I hate t' be the one to say this, but freedom ain't all it's said to be. At least not here."
"What would you know of it?" she snapped, irritated that once again he did not provide the answer she wanted.
"More than you'd think. Look, I know things'r tough here, but ya got no idea what it's like outside this place."
"And you do?"
"I ran off for a time, when I was younger n' started hatin' the place that hated me. Came back on my own after a moon's turn."
"Why?"
"Like I said, it's tough. This place is harsh n'all, but the land is worse. The sun bakes yer skin 'til it peels and it c'n be days 'til you see water. Then there's th' deep pits that only got mad dogs waiting at the bottom t' tear meat from bone. There are bugs that bite n' sting and make folks sick enough t' die. I left here n' saw all that."
"You could have traveled with Kurt, he would have protected you."
"He won't and can't, what sorta peace man would he be if he kept takin' servants from the castles he visits. He only takes the ones he finds out on th' trail, or that find him. Been told he'll leave 'em somewhere safe if he has ta go to their old master's home, but he doesn't take 'em from there. 'Sides, he weren't around most times, and I wanted ta leave. But it was too hard, so I came home, took my lashes n' learned my lesson."
"But what Michael offered," she whispered, knowing no one could hear them, but being cautious nonetheless, "it is different. We wouldn't be freed here, we would be far from the castle."
"Yeah n' that's th' other thing. Free ta do what?"
Santana frowned at the question, "I don't understand."
"Free ta do what? Think about it, what's it that we're supposed t' do when we're free? Are we gettin' some land? Maybe some good payin' jobs too? We'd be free n' poor and the best we could do ta get some money is exactly what we're doin' now if anyone'd have us not speakin' their tongue an' all. Here I get a bed, food and all the ladies I can chase, new ones comin' all the time with the war brewin'. And even I got someone who makes leavin' a little difficult," he added with a shrug.
As much as it irked her Santana had to concede the sense in that, it wasn't like she knew what Michael's homeland was even like for women. Though she assumed it was a far better situation than the one she was currently in she couldn't help but feel that he was right. At some point she would have to make a living and all she knew was a little of wine making and how to be a silent servant, neither of which were jobs she was looking to undertake again.
"But you're only guessing. You don't know what life would be like there."
"I don't, but why risk s'much when I'm happy here?"
With a sigh she looked at the ground and kicked her feet aimlessly before a thought occurred to her, "Was it easy? To escape on your own?"
"I wasn't on my own. I had friends who didn't make it back, but yeah, gettin' outta here ain't tough, but only cause th' royals know how hard it is out there. Gettin' back in is the chore, the only places ya can're the harbor n' the front gate they're guarded heavy."
Santana turned back to her drink and downed it, thinking fast, time was running out for her decision. And he had just made the weight behind taking the offered opportunity that much more final.
After finishing her mug she left to return to her room wishing she had it in her to get completely drunk, however, her head hurt enough without a strong drink to add to it in the morning. When she came to her room she glanced briefly at Brittany's door and quickly decided against entering. She was avoiding having to think on her future and she knew it, but the whole thing was too daunting to deal with always. So instead she slipped quietly into her room and changed into her night clothes.
Santana lay quietly on her bed, sighing in exhaustion as her arms and legs relaxed, and suddenly she was tense as she heard a sharp noise very close by. As she scrambled from her bed she became aware that it was a bell high up in the corner of her room. Shocked that she somehow hadn't seen it there before she suddenly understood what it was for. As the queen currently occupied a room intended for esteemed guests of the crown it was inevitably a way for them to call on their slaves in the night without having to get up.
Brittany had never called on her before, preferring to handle any issues on her own, but she was now, making Santana think something had to be wrong.
Quickly she dashed out of her room and into the queen's, worried over what would have pushed her to ring it, but upon entering she only saw the blonde sitting at the edge of her bed smiling softly.
Santana smiled back, even though it was only reflex, "Why did you call me?"
"I missed you," she said sheepishly.
A very real pain went through her upon hearing that, suddenly it was quite obvious that leaving without giving Brittany so much as a warning would be incredibly cruel. Maybe even more so than anything Archibald had ever done.
Tentatively, she crossed the room and stood at the queen's side, "Brittany…" she said and faltered, making the other woman's smile vanish.
"What's wrong? Did you not want to see me tonight?"
Instead of answering she fidgeted with her hands not knowing where to place them, Brittany watched her discomfort and worry began to cloud her eyes.
Santana wanted to speak, but now she was afraid again; she could remember Elisa, the sweet, kind woman who had bandaged her hand when she had cut it climbing trees and the terrible, fearful woman who had beaten her to the muscle. She had never known the older woman could have such a vicious side and it was frightening to think she may find Brittany to be the same. She was sure she was being silly about it, but still she couldn't shake the concern that maybe Brittany loved her enough to want to make her stay.
After a few deep breaths she took a step forward and did her best to look into the blue eyes that were now almost boring into her in an attempt to understand her silence.
"I think I'm going to leave," she said.
"Please don't go before you tell me what's troubling you," Brittany pleaded.
"No, I mean the castle. Forever. I have a chance to leave forever at the next hunter's moon."
The words seemed to take a while to sink in, but when they did the worry was replaced by something else, what exactly Santana could not tell.
"And you aren't sure you're leaving?" the soft words floated to Santana's ears, making her strain to hear them.
"I don't want to leave you," she admitted and watched as Brittany's mind worked over what she had been told and came to a conclusion Santana couldn't decipher.
"Are you sure you'll be safe?"
"If the escape goes as planned I think I will-"
"Then you should go," she said quickly.
Santana just stared at her for a moment. 'You should go', just like that. Was that all she had to say?
"I thought maybe I should stay."
Brittany frowned, "For me? There is no need. I will miss you, but if you have the chance then it's for the best that you go."
The words stung a bit and she couldn't even place why, this was ideal really. She wanted to go and Brittany approved, yet somehow she had expected… more from the potential estrangement.
"I see, so there is no reason for me to stay?" she asked, trying to see if she truly understood what she was being told.
A small smile graced Brittany's features, "You should be free and live your life as you choose."
Santana felt a little ache in her chest as her leaving was so easily dismissed, it didn't make her decision any easier, because she loved Brittany and still couldn't fathom being away from her. However, it seemed to not matter to the other woman in the least.
Brittany flashed her another smile and opened her arms, which Santana climbed into without thinking. She allowed kisses and affirmations of love that only served to hurt her more as she realized that the woman she loved with all her soul didn't feel the same.
Santana ate her morning meal with a sluggishness that couldn't go unnoticed, but it did go unremarked on by all at the table. Her melancholy followed her through her morning duties, and by the time the queen made her way to the library Santana was grateful. Because every second she was forced to look at her lover she contemplated the pains of staying in the castle for a woman who was everything to her… and could give her up in the blink of an eye.
Happy for a reprieve she disappeared into the large forest of books and found a new corner to retreat to, silently hoping that once again she would be hidden and Matthew would escort Brittany to court.
She knew it was sad of her to still consider staying after Brittany had dismissed her so easily, but she couldn't imagine life without the blonde. It was impossible to think of someone she could love half as much. As unhappy as she was with her plight, it may be the best she could hope for.
The infinite silence that filled the large room allowed her to bounce those thoughts around some more, to weigh pros and cons and to try and picture her life in a far away land without the woman she loved. And after a time she felt like it was manageable, that the notion wasn't as impossible as she had first thought. But still, something inside pulled at her to stay.
Irritated, she rose to find a book to look at while the time passed when Brittany cut her off, appearing before her like magic and making her heart jump into her throat.
"M'lady," she mumbled over the pounding in her chest.
"Come, sit with me," Brittany said and Santana could see she held a book in her hands.
"Should I not take you to court?"
The queen shook her head, "Matthew and I finished the note early, there is still some time left before I have to go."
With that she turned and returned to her large, lush seat and Santana followed, feeling odd. Brittany had shared every bit of information she could on that letter up until recently and now she seemed to not even care about its contents, or at least with sharing them.
When they sat in their usual positions Santana opened the book that seemed to be about farming, or it was a children's story about animals, she couldn't tell.
"What did the letter say?" she asked quietly, fearing that a wandering servant may have been lurking in the shadows to hear her formality with the queen.
Brittany's eyes skimmed the page before she stopped and looked at her hands, "Other than the tidings at the beginning? My father's ill and I have lost three of my sisters."
"In the fighting?" Santana asked worriedly.
"No, to childbirth and sickness, it is either a transfer of their ailment that has made my father sick or severe grief from the loss of his children. Though the latter is unlikely; he never cared for us much, but it would be nice to think so for a time."
A small squeeze prompted Santana to turn the page, "But the rest of your family is faring well, right?"
"Yes, the bad news was softened by starting with good," Brittany replied distractedly.
Santana looked down at the book which was walls of text with no pictures, "What is this about?"
"I don't know," she replied and her voice sounded rather stricken.
Worried, Santana looked to her to find tears streaming down Brittany's face as she stared, unseeing, at the book before her. Unable to stop herself Santana turned and hugged her tightly.
"Your father will be fine."
For some reason that made the blonde laugh, but she returned the hug, burying her face into Santana's shoulder. The hug almost crushed the air out of her, but she endured it without a single complaint, because it was the best she could do for her. Santana wanted desperately to be someone who could give the other woman her family back, they were a world away, some sick, some dead. Brittany had never spoken much of them, but it seemed that father's situation had forced her to remember relationships lost.
Santana wrapped her arms around her queen and let her cry her despair out, wishing she hadn't been so inquisitive. Of course Brittany hadn't wanted to share what she had read, and as one who had an endless line of things she wanted to avoid dwelling on she regretted thinking that it had been about not caring enough to talk.
Tears flowed until Santana looked like someone had poured a bucket of water on her shoulder. The brunette would have let her queen cry until she was completely ready to stop, but unfortunately she could see that the sun was continuing its journey across the sky.
Tentatively, she got Brittany to stand and brought her back to her bedroom where she fetched a washbasin and made her face over to look like she had never shed a tear. When she had finished she accompanied the composed ruler to her daily duties and as they parted she gave the queen an encouraging hand squeeze. The blonde looked back at her with sad eyes and smiled, and once again Santana didn't know how she could leave her.
Though Brittany had seemed rather unmoved by Santana's possible departure she had clearly understood that they wouldn't see each other any longer and as such had Santana at every available moment. Her bath time was never about getting clean anymore and their quiet time in the garden sometimes went well beyond sweet kisses and gentle touches that could be halted quickly at another's approach.
In the privacy of the queen's room their love making became more tender, something Santana found exhilarating, but mostly confusing, because her queen was somehow making the decision so much more difficult. Every touch seemed to pull her a little closer to the woman she was becoming more and more sure she would never see again. And with each passing day the idea leaving became more plausible and difficult. The hunter's moon loomed closer and Santana still kept the strip of leather under her bed, not knowing what to do with it.
At least she didn't until the awaited time was several days away.
Night had fallen, the queen had been laid to rest and Santana had taken her meal and bath. Yet neither woman was sleeping. As was now routine, in the dark of the night, Santana was to be found in Brittany's bed, trying to stifle sounds of pleasure as her queen easily worked her into a frenzy.
It had been Santana's thought that she had wanted to leave, that Brittany had been a wonderful person to meet and it was time to keep living. However, in the dark of the room, as she lay shuddering beneath a woman who risked everything to be with her, she found that want waning.
And when Brittany looked at her with love filling her gaze and said, "No matter where you go, you'll always have my heart," it left entirely.
Now, knowing she should be leaving, she found it harder than ever to go, because that hadn't been the look of someone who didn't care. Her queen brought them to the peak of pleasure with practiced ease, capturing Santana's lips to keep them both quiet. And as coherence returned Santana couldn't help but speak her deepest desire into the warm air between them.
"Come with me," she said quietly.
Brittany's bright eyes found hers in the low light of the room and Santana could see her smiling softly down at her.
"I wish I could," she replied, brushing Santana's hair aside and placing tender kisses on her temple.
"You can," Santana urged, wanting her to come so badly she could barely word the request, "You can come with me."
She had no idea how Tina and Michael would react to her trying to smuggle the queen out of the castle as well, but at the moment she needed nothing more than for her to agree. From there she would take Brittany away on her own if she had to, dangerous beasts and baking sun be damned.
Sorrow seemed to flood Brittany's face as she kissed her again, "I can't go with you Santana, Artie wouldn't let me leave, you have a better chance without me."
Shaking her head she tried to gather her thoughts better, "But you said yourself he wishes you would just disappear and we can do that."
"Santana…" Brittany said and tears welled in her eyes, "It's different now."
Despair crept in and settled on her chest and on some level Santana knew she was not going to win this, "Because of the war?"
"Santana-"
"Brittany!" she cut off, angry that her queen's tears had prompted her own eyes to water, "I'm offering you freedom, of this castle, of Archibald - just say yes. We will leave here and I won't let anyone hurt you, I promise. I will get you out of here no matter what."
The blonde smiled a sad smile, "Even so I will remain here."
"You can't!" she barked as loud as she dared, tears flowing freely, "You can't, because if you stay here he'll kill you. If not on purpose then by accident during one of his tantrums, but it will happen. I can't leave you here for that, just come with me!" Santana begged, hugging Brittany tightly to her wishing there was some way she could dispel the stubbornness of the woman in her arms.
"He would chase us 'til the ends of the earth and kill you to spite me."
"He wouldn't care!"
"I told you, it's different now," she said again, sounding even more miserable and weary.
"What's changed?"
"I'm pregnant."
The words fell between them ending all conversation and for a heartbeat Santana didn't understand what she had been told. When the words made sense she fought her way out from beneath her lover, scrambling to her feet and then to the far wall. Her eyes rested on Brittany's stomach as if there was something to be seen, but there was no evidence of a child within her as of yet.
"How long have you known?" she asked, surprising herself with how angry her voice sounded.
"Since two days ago," Brittany replied sadly.
Santana looked at the floor, trying to pull herself together, she knew it wasn't Brittany's fault, that it hadn't been her choice, but somehow this felt like a betrayal regardless. Desperate for something to do she grabbed her night clothes and pulled them on so hard they almost ripped from her forcefulness.
"Does the king know?" When the queen shook her head Santana's spirits rose slightly, "Then there is still time to rid yourself of it."
Brittany's expression quickly changed from sad to wounded, "I couldn't do that."
"Why not? I know who could help-"
"I'm not killing my baby," she said flatly.
"It's not a baby, it isn't even a living thing yet!"
"Of course it is, otherwise you wouldn't suggest killing it."
Santana growled in frustration and placed the heels of her hands over her eyes, "Fine, then come anyway, with the baby."
"I already told you I can't. Artie doesn't know, but my healers do, I asked for time to tell him on my own. If I don't tell him soon they will and he won't let me leave with his heir. Furthermore, my father is sick, if he dies a son will be the only claim he could hope to have over my land meaning this child is something he and his father need. I will not escape this place and anyone who tries to give me sanctuary will be named an enemy of both lands near and far. I cannot go with you, Santana."
The queen's words came out clear and concise as if it had been insulting for her to assume she would ever consider ridding herself of her pregnancy or escaping with the child. Never had Santana felt more hopeless and abandoned.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked, feeling lost and drained of all emotion, "About the baby?"
Brittany's face returned to looking sorrowful, "You are leaving at the hunter's moon which isn't long from now. I thought maybe you would be gone before you had to know. It isn't something I ever wanted to have to tell you," she added as she wiped the tears from her face.
Santana stared at the woman as if she had never seen her before.
She wouldn't leave, she wouldn't lose the child, she wouldn't try to run away despite it and most importantly she seemed not to care how Santana felt about any of her decisions.
It was too much, but at least it helped her make up her mind.
Furious with herself for letting Brittany be someone who could hurt her so deeply she returned to her room and retrieved the leather from under her bed. With determined, yet cautious, steps she left the castle and reached the cliffs where she tied the strip tightly to one of the trees.
When the sun rose Santana found herself in a much improved mood. As much as everything hurt, as betrayed and unwanted as she was feeling, it was a comfort to know that in a few days she would be rid of all that currently ailed her.
Her bath and morning meal passed in peace and by the time she went to retrieve the queen she found she was able to ignore the wrenching pain in her chest, because she knew it would only be a short time before seeing the other woman was no longer a problem. She woke the blonde gently by shaking her arm and proceeded to carry out her morning duties with no attempts at anything else. When Brittany was fully awake she gave Santana a sorrowful look, stood and attempted to give her a hug.
An embrace Santana fully rejected.
She knew the look that would be on Brittany's face, but she could take it, because soon she wouldn't have to see that face any longer. When the rest of the queen's servants entered, Brittany wisely did not attempt to reach for Santana again, however, the sad looks that were sent her way were not missed by the smaller woman.
While Brittany ate Santana stood rigidly in her place, offering not a single comforting glance. And when they reached the gardens she quite stubbornly refused to sit anywhere but next to the pond. Brittany attempted to sit at her side, but the notion was still too unbearable for Santana and she moved away. She couldn't stomach the thought of Brittany carrying Archibald's child or the fact that the woman seemed content to stick around and raise the brat.
She did still see where Brittany was right and she could easily see the inherent danger in trying to leave with the queen. How it would put Tina and Michael in so much more danger, how she hadn't even warned them of her potential plan and how even if others agreed to take her along it would start a war between Michael's father and the whole of the Abrams Kingdom.
Unfortunately, none of that stopped the slow feeling of a knife being driven into her sides over and over. To her, leaving would be a small blessing, because she needed forget everything and with Brittany so determined to keep her child there was no way it was going to happen while still at the castle. So she did not relent in public or private, making sure to address her master as formally as possible, though every time she did it seemed to almost drive the blonde to tears.
For her part Brittany said nothing, she seemed to understand Santana's anger and accept it as a natural reaction, and even that upset the brunette. She wanted some sign that their relationship meant something, but as the days passed no such thing happened. The best she ever got was the queen trying to hug or kiss her on a daily basis, offers Santana always declined. Everything from the innocent linking of arms in a lonely hallway to intimate touches in the bathing room, nothing was anything more than rigid politeness.
And with every passing day she could tell Brittany was becoming more and more frustrated with their estrangement. She seemed determined to have her close even though Santana was making it quite plain that she wanted nothing to do with her. Because her touch hurt, it made her think every cutting thought all at once and they were worse than anything she had ever known. It was cruel to both of them to deny her, as Santana despite all else still craved her touch and Brittany clearly wanted contact, but she knew to give in to the woman would be to damn herself. If she were to have any chance of leaving there was no way she could continue to be close to the blonde, she had to keep her at an arm's length and hold on to the resentment that roiled within her no matter how unfair it was that it be pointed at Brittany.
By the final day Santana managed to harden herself completely to Brittany's advances, because soon she would be whisked away from it all. It was the last day she had to pretend the queen's distress didn't upset her immensely, and that she could do. Suppressing her feelings for days on end was impossible, she had almost driven herself mad in the attempt to resist Brittany initially, but this she could manage, as it was only for a short while.
She made it past their morning greeting, even though Brittany tried repeatedly to make contact in some small capacity, she made it past her morning meal where the queen requested cinnamon again and Santana merely pushed the bowl closer and backed away. During her bath Brittany practically had to bathe herself and when they walked together down the hall for the last time Santana nearly stumbled with the force of pulling her arm from Brittany's grasp.
In the privacy of her room Santana felt the nervousness, relief and sorrow of their last moments together, and as much as she wanted a long and loving farewell she knew it couldn't be. She needed to protect herself, she needed to be ready to leave all she held dear behind, it wasn't the first time it had happened in her life and she felt certain it wouldn't be the last.
Even Sam had gotten one final hug though.
As tempting as it was to give in and embrace the other woman as she helped her change she didn't, and instead focused on the fact that soon Brittany would be a mother to a monster's child. One she would be expected to look over for the remainder of her life and that wretched feeling made her able to finish her work and turn away.
To leave forever and never see the woman who had such a hold on her.
But of course it wouldn't be that easy.
"Tonight is the hunter's moon," Brittany said in a timid voice.
Santana wanted to be a person who would be strong enough not to respond, but she wasn't, "Yes."
"Do you have nothing more to say to me?" she asked and Santana could almost feel her pain and it angered her.
"What else is there? I tell you I'm leaving and you tell me to go, I ask you to come with me and you refuse, because you'd rather have that man's evil spawn. You clearly don't care for me the way I do for you, so I think it best if neither of us say anything."
To her surprise Brittany rose from her bed slowly with a dark glower on her face, "Is that what you believe? Is that what you really believe?"
Not wanting to be pulled further into the oncoming debate Santana backed towards the door, "Don't take offense, I meant none, it's only that royals and slaves clearly think on relationships differently. Or maybe it's because we are both women, I'm not sure."
The taller woman stepped closer still watching Santana as if she couldn't believe the sight of her, "You think me that void of emotion?"
"Clearly you have emotions, if nothing else you cried over your father's ailment," she said with a dismissive shrug that hid the nervousness she felt at Brittany's approach, "I must go now."
With that she attempted to open the door, but was surprised to find it shoved closed again by Brittany, glaring hotly at her. It was the first time they had been so close in many days and Santana wished she had been better prepared for the gentle scent of the queen that washed over her, or to defend against the sight of sudden, unchecked tears falling from her eyes.
"You think I was crying over my father? The man who sold me for a crown he can never wear? Do you truly think that was what had me distressed? Or did it ever occur to you that it might be because the person whom I love most in the world recently told me she was planning to leave forever," Brittany growled.
Startled, Santana tried to back up but found she was pinned against the door, "You told me to go," she said softly, too flustered to make a more steadfast reply.
"Because I want you to be free, I want you to have all the things you desire and can never have here. How could I ever expect you to do that with me blubbering the moment you tell me you have a chance to leave?"
"But the baby…" it hadn't even been a real reply, merely an errant thought that slipped out as she made the connections, because of course Brittany had pretended she would be okay, it was what she did best.
"Santana, I don't want to rid myself of this child, it hasn't done anything to anyone and a knight protects women and children. So I will protect it and I will protect you, I'll stand aside and let you free, but I won't let you go thinking for one moment that I don't love you as you love me. If you must know, the thought of you leaving hurts so much I can't breathe, it's like drowning and it's the worst feeling I've ever had. I look at you and see my only chance at real happiness and then I remember you're going away to leave me with my fate and it makes me want to scream."
The intensity in her voice took Santana aback, she had never seen Brittany so deathly serious and she had no idea how to respond, "I thought-"
"If you thought for even a heartbeat that I didn't care about you leaving then you were not thinking at all. I want you to stay with me forever, consequences be damned. I love you enough to want to alert the guards and make you stay, but it's not right, you should be free. So I want you to go and be happy, and though the thought of you in the arms of another kills me I want that for you. I want you to find someone to love, but not just whoever will have you, find a woman who loves you with everything she is, because that's what you deserve."
In the dark of the room, pinned against the door, Santana stood completely speechless as Brittany gave her a tear stained kiss that she did nothing to stop. It was a kiss she automatically returned and it was filled with all the passion, love and regret that she had refused them sharing before.
When they parted she immediately felt conflicted, leaving suddenly held no appeal and she was frozen in place. Brittany had once again ignored her own pains to try and better Santana's life and she loved her intensely for it.
"I'm sorry," she said quickly, hoping Brittany understood all the ways she meant it.
A teary smile spread on the queen's face, "I'm sorry I can't be in a far away land, waiting to meet you for the first time so we can start the rest of our lives together."
"I have to go," Santana said, more as a plea to herself and her wavering resolve than to Brittany.
"I know, and you should," she replied, kissing her again swiftly, pulling them both forward and opening the door, "So go." And with that she was given a gentle push into the hall.
The sound of the door closing snapped Santana out of her stupor and let her realize that it was honestly time for her to be going. Through the hall windows she could see the sun had set and the moon was shining brightly behind a thick veil of clouds. Worried that she may get Tina and Michael caught from her tardiness she dashed into her room to retrieve the tattered shirt from the vineyard, almost laughing at the fact that it was the only thing in the castle she owned.
Quickly she tied it around her waist and turned to her door, ready to leave Castle Abrams for good. But when she stepped into the hallway she saw the queen's door and made the mistake of thinking of her. She had coated herself in resentment and hatred to be able to make the decision she had, but now, knowing the truth of the matter, how could she go? What kind of life could she lead, even if she did find another woman to love her? How could she love that person like she had her queen? She couldn't imagine having the same feelings for another and moreover didn't want to.
To leave would be to gain her freedom, but it could also mean to lose the best thing that could or would ever happen to her. Michael had made her reflect on how lucky she was to have ever found what she had. Then again she had never in her wildest dreams suspected that she would leave the Evans' vineyard to find the love of her life, maybe she didn't even know true love yet. Maybe that person was waiting for her beyond the sea.
Time marched on and she knew she couldn't simply stand in the royal's hall indecisively. She needed to make a choice, and fast.
And after several heart wrenching moments, Santana took off as fast as she could for the cliff's edge.
A/N: Bet you thought something was going to be written here...