"Do you want to talk about it?" Merlin asked.
On the far side of the camp fire Arthur lifted a hand to wipe his nose while he shook his head, then he gave on curt nod and then shrugged. Arthur didn't know if he was coming or going. He had stayed almost silent since he had left the stone circle. The only sounds he had made were sobs, and once those had been calmed, some general mumbled assurances that he was basically fine.
Gaius had fretted over him, Merlin had been concerned but more reserved. Percival and Leon had been far more settling, they simply concentrated on getting the group moving and then setting up the camp. Arthur had watched them not even feeling inclined to intervene, even when Percival didn't set up the fire in the way that Arthur preferred and Leon started cooking in completely the wrong order. Arthur knew he took pride in what he did. Doing it well meant most of his masters had ignored his efforts, but didn't punish him for anything. But Arthur liked being good at things, during some very bad times it was the only thing he had.
He jumped slightly as Merlin got up from his position on the far side of the fire and instead sat next to Arthur. The others were sleeping, but since Arthur showed no signs of wanting to rest Merlin had volunteered to sit up. As he crossed the camp Percival instinctively stirred but then realising that the oncoming conversation would be private he settled down again trying to get back to sleep before he could hear much of it. Neither Merlin nor Arthur even registered that he had roused. Merlin settled next to Arthur who wiped his face again and sniffed.
"I'm sorry. I suppose out of all the bad ideas I have ever had, I can assume this is the worst of them," Merlin said.
Arthur gave a short snort of laughter which caused a few more tears to spill. He wiped his face again.
"I can't imagine you making bad decisions, you always seem so confident."
"Confidence doesn't always prevent bad decision making. In fact it could just encourage it," Merlin reasoned. He held out his hand, giving a low whisper and the flames of the fire strengthened, the branches crackling as the fire took hold. Picking up some nearby firewood Arthur leant forward to feed it into the flames. As he sat back he stared into the flames, aware of Merlin watching him carefully.
"I'll understand if there are things you don't want to tell me about."
Arthur drew his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around his shins, and he rested his chin on his knees.
"I'm not sure there is much to really tell."
"Something happened in there, it took a little while to calm you down."
Merlin had felt deeply concerned as Arthur had cried, close to hysteria, huddling into Gaius's arms as the old man held onto him.
"Sorry," Arthur said.
"No need to be sorry about that."
"I didn't mean to worry anyone, it was a bit... intense," was the word Arthur eventually thought up.
"Is it a bit impolite to assume that, based on that reaction, you saw your father?"
"I don't know if it's impolite or not, I guess it was pretty obvious."
"No one else?"
Arthur shrugged and sighed. "She didn't speak, the woman that I saw. My mother. Although she at least looked pleased to see me. Even though I killed her."
"I think the situation can be considered a little more complicated than that, and you are hardly culpable for the crime, you had no control over it."
"That doesn't really make me feel any better." Arthur leant forward and poked the fire, causing the flames to flare and crackle. He stared at them intently until the brightness hurt his eyes and he closed them.
"He was just so... cold, and he didn't seem to understand anything. He told me I should be strong, that I had to show my power, starting with you. If he had seen everything that had happened, how could he still say that, that I should kill the one person who looked after me."
Merlin blinked, although he didn't feel much surprise at what Uther had said. The man had hated magic in all forms, and considering his power, Merlin would be the worst thing Uther could ever imagine. What did surprise him were Arthur's words. Merlin hadn't considered himself singular when it came to dealing with Arthur. There were others who had been kind to him.
"I'm not sure I'm the only person to look after you."
Arthur turned his head, and shrugged. "Some of them were okay, and kind to me, but I was still a slave; you never treated me like that."
Merlin raised his eyebrows. "I wouldn't have said that was true, certainly not at the beginning. I think there was a fair amount of contempt in there."
"I know." Arthur's voice remained perfectly calm. "But I wasn't a slave in your eyes. I know the difference, I guessed you didn't know quite what to do with me but you did it anyway."
"It was the vow I had made I suppose. That I would protect those that couldn't protect themselves. My father had told me the stories, I knew it all, but when I saw you I couldn't entirely understand the point of what had been done to you. The revenge just looked so hollow."
"My father killed so many people, and he certainly didn't seem to show any remorse over it. It didn't sound like he cared."
"I don't know much about him, only what I heard from others. Gaius knew him, he even gave up sorcery so he could stay in Camelot. It was Uther's grief that caused the Great Purge. His marriage to Igraine was arranged by her parents, tying their family to the new king of Camelot had it's advantages. He ended up loving her, and took her loss out on those with sorcery."
"Surely he knew he couldn't blame everybody."
"Maybe, but magic, although used regularly then, was sometimes the source of suspicion. It was easy to use if you wanted an easy answer, and easy to blame if things went wrong."
"It used to be like that for me," Arthur mused cynically. "It was all very well if things were fine but if I was near anything that went wrong I got the blame."
"In many ways, things were out of balance," Merlin said. "The natural order is affected when magic is used. People become sick, they die, it's part of life. It has to happen, magic can be used to stop someone dying, but where does that power come from."
"Some else dies," Arthur said flatly. Merlin shrugged.
"Not always, but the life has to be taken from somewhere, the energy is always around so it can be channelled, but when things have a specific focus, like making a life, the power needed must be equal."
"It sounds really complicated."
Merlin nodded, "It is. Where people used it so much it had started to warp the world. Not that it was obvious but care wasn't always taken. That's why I'd rather find mundane ways to do things before going for magic, and sometimes I do choose to not use it."
"That has to be hard."
For a moment Merlin said nothing, he stared into the fire. "Yes, it can be."
Arthur glanced at him, seeing the grim expression on Merlin's face. After noting that he turned to follow Merlin's gaze, staring at the flames. When his eyes started to hurt he let his eyes roam further, eventually resting on Gaius' sleeping form.
"When you left me there that day, in the physician's chamber, did you know that Gaius would tell me about what happened?"
Merlin glanced at him, looking slightly guilty. "I presumed he might say something, although I had no idea what sort of thing. And I did it for him just as much as to try and help you. Despite everything you were fairly mentally together, and I know he always felt guilty about not protecting you."
"What could he had done?"
"I think he planned to take you away," Merlin said. "Him and Alice. Just find a quiet village and raise you safely out of the way of what happened. Between them they probably could have protected you, and Gaius thought my father would help."
"But he didn't," Arthur said flatly.
"No, and what happened, happened."
Arthur felt very aware of that. He had been through it. He swallowed heavily.
"You should try and get some rest," Merlin said. "It's been a stressful day."
"I guess," Arthur said, automatically following the suggestion as Merlin made it. He was starting to feel a little tired now, but his mind felt lighter, now he had unburdened himself. Arthur slid into his bedroll, hearing Merlin do the same. They were safe, Merlin had put out a protective boundary, he would know if anyone tried to come close to them. Arthur settled and closed his eyes, trying to prevent his mind from bringing up an image of his father.
To do that he thought about Merlin, and how he had seemed to have surprised him by what he had said. The meeting with Uther had, above other things, caused Arthur to think. Merlin had never treated him like a slave, he had acted as a servant but Merlin also expected Arthur to think for himself, and look after himself. Arthur decided, at the same time, that all that irritation he had seemed to cause Merlin at the beginning, had not really been directed at him. Merlin just hadn't liked how he behaved, which was nothing more than a clear symptom of how he had been treated all his life. Whether it had been conscious or not Merlin had started, from that, to break down the barriers in Arthur's mind, forcing him to change how he saw himself, which then reflected onto other people.
As Arthur gave an idle glance around the campfire it occurred to him, no one saw him as a slave, not even Arthur himself. No one could now, he was now a king. Arthur laughed lightly, that didn't seem to have much meaning, not as important as what else had drifted into his mind. His bloodline didn't make him any better than anyone else, and he didn't particularly want it to.
In fact, that probably had no baring on what he actually, at that moment, discovered himself to be, to everyone else around him.
He was, for the first time in his life, other people's equal.
XxxxxxxxxxxxxX
The thought contented Arthur, and as a result he was in a much better mood the following morning as they travelled back, and even more so when they arrived back in Camelot and he offered to carry in the belongings as Percival and Leon saw to the horses. Arthur's voice, calm and determined, didn't allow for a refusal and no one thought to stop him. All of them knew better. They were doing one chore, Arthur did another; simple and fair.
Arthur left Gaius' chambers, having made sure the old physician was settled and promised to return later to help him with his rounds. Gaius appeared to still be slightly worried about him and Arthur wanted to put that fear to rest, he also wondered if he could persuade Gaius to move from his turret room to somewhere lower down in the castle. Arthur smiled to himself, he doubted he would be successful but annoying Gaius about it might divert him from worrying about Arthur himself.
He was smiling to himself, debating what he needed to do about it as he rounded a corner, and through the window he spotted Gwen walking through the courtyard towards the castle steps carrying a basket. Arthur speeded up, he wanted to speak to her, before he got tangled up with Merlin that afternoon. Merlin wanted to go over the decrees and letters that the kings had left, and at the same time start Arthur's education of reading and writing. Before that Arthur wanted to sort something else out, as he had looked at his wardrobe and realised all he had was his old, tattered slave clothes, and a good number of Cenred's cast offs.
Gwen knew about sewing, she could source some material, and perhaps help him. Arthur could do most of the sewing himself, he could find time in the evenings, as long as Merlin didn't drag him into too many other things. As he pondered that, taking another corner to try and reach Gwen, he skidded to a severe halt to prevent himself from running into someone. Reaching out a hand he grabbed their arm to stop them from falling.
Morgana yelped, staggering for a few seconds before Arthur's strong grip righted her. She stared at him in shock and Arthur looked back his eyes widening and he retracted his hand as swiftly as possible.
"Sorry, My Lady. I didn't realise you were here."
"Obviously," Morgana said straightening her gown. Arthur flinched slightly.
"I meant in the castle, not just around the corner, sorry about that, I wanted to catch Gwen, about some clothes... since I don't have any of my own. Sorry, I didn't realise you were there."
He tailed off, realising he was babbling. Morgana stared at him for a moment.
"It's fine," she sighed, shaking her head, straightening her back and her hands moved to dust down her dress unnecessarily. Arthur took a mild step back.
"I thought you had left with Morgause, and your father."
"My sister has returned to the Isle Of The Blessed, she asked me to go with her but I said I wanted to stay a little longer. My father returned to our estate."
"Where is that?" Arthur asked. "I'm sure I remember."
"On the edges of what used to be Camelot. It lies within what is Bayard's kingdom now."
"Oh," Arthur said.
"I hope it is not inappropriate my choosing to stay."
Arthur blinked and shook his head. "No, of course not. Merlin makes everyone welcome."
"May I remind you, this is your kingdom now."
"I guess. Merlin enjoys your company, and he will always make you welcome."
"And what of you?" Morgana demanded. That momentarily made Arthur think of the girl who had screamed at him, and Gorlois taking so much rage out on him.
"I would not turn anyone away either. You are always welcome but I must catch up with Gwen."
Arthur looked for a way to shuffle around her, but Morgana blocked the stairs and she didn't move for a moment.
"You went to the Stones of Nematon," Morgana said.
"Yes, Merlin thought it might be helpful, and then decided it was a very bad idea."
"To do what you did is very powerful magic. You saw... someone."
Arthur huffed and looked out of the window. Gwen had disappeared from view, people moved to and fro in the courtyard, caught up in their own lives, Arthur clenched his jaw and looked back at Morgana.
"My mother, I think; and my father."
"What did he say?"
So lost in the memory and the emotions it wrought, Arthur did not hear the edge to Morgana's voice. She stared at him carefully, intently and her hands clenched at her sides, and slowly relaxed as she watched the reaction he gave.
"Nothing, he was so filled with hate, and he told me I should kill Merlin."
Morgana's body relaxed as the information took her by surprise.
"I suppose he has not changed then."
Arthur frowned. "You knew him. Your father did, didn't he?"
Morgana's hands clenched again. "Yes, he did."
"But your father turned against him."
"His family was in danger, what could you expect?"
Arthur frowned. He couldn't blame Gorlois for that. But Arthur's perception slowly started to heighten at the strangeness of the conversation. Although he had been around Morgana a little, it was always because Merlin was close by.
"Nothing else I suppose," Arthur said and he watched Morgana's wary countenance relax a little, but only slightly. "I ran away from him in the end."
Morgana frowned, and Arthur looked away again.
"I didn't like what he said."
While Arthur's mind occupied itself with what had happened Morgana regarded him carefully, assured that Uther had said nothing, in regard to her. Arthur knew nothing of their connection, the only people that did were her own family and a dead spirit that would never be conjured again. She wondered if that was because Uther didn't really know, or he hadn't wanted to say, that someone of his own flesh and blood had magic. The other person of his own blood, however, accepted magic easily.
They turned to look at each other again and then jumped as they heard footsteps. Both of them turned and looked down at Gwen still carrying the basket, lugging it up the stairs.
"Let me help you with that," Arthur said finding an excuse to pass Morgana and concentrate on something else. Gwen smiled at him and let him take the burden.
"It's not that heavy."
"I know," Arthur said holding the basket and walking back up the stairs. "But I wanted to talk to you, before Merlin drags me into learning to read and write."
"You don't know how?" Morgana asked. Arthur shrugged.
"Who would ever teach me?" Arthur asked and then smiled. "Except Merlin."
Morgana smiled and Arthur turned his attention back to Gwen.
"I wanted to make some clothes of my own, something that is not a cast off, or completely worn away."
"I could make you some things."
"Actually, I can make them," Arthur told her. "But you can probably find some material, and if I don't get enough time, what with Merlin, and Percival, and Gaius dragging me into other things, you could finish off if you don't mind. I'm quite good, Gaheris told me the tunic I made is still his favourite."
Gwen's eyes widened and she smiled. "I'm sure it is. I'd like to see you sew."
"So would I," Morgana said.
"Arthur," Merlin's voice interrupted as he appeared, following the route Arthur had taken. "I need you to go over these decrees and writs with me."
"No getting out of it?"
"None," Merlin said sternly. Arthur slumped a little and handed Gwen's basket back while Merlin smiled at Morgana. "Lady Morgana."
"Merlin," she nodded politely and Merlin frowned at her reaction, thinking that she was not entirely herself.
"Gwen." Merlin nodded at her.
"Merlin. And I'll find something for you Arthur."
"What?" Merlin asked.
"Some of it had better be red," Arthur said. "I've been told red suits me."
That said he allowed himself to be herded away by Merlin. Gwen curtseyed to Morgana.
"My Lady, I tided your chambers and I was bringing your clean clothes."
Morgana smiled. "Thank you Gwen. I almost feel now that I should help you carry it."
Smiling back Gwen took tight hold of her burden and they turned to walk down the opposing corridor.
"There is no need for that My Lady, it is my duty to see to any guests in the castle."
"I don't suppose Merlin, or Arthur, count as guests."
"No, I suppose not, are you all right My Lady?"
Morgana paused, looking at Gwen, who looked concerned. In that second Morgana took a moment to reflect. Arthur knew nothing of what Uther had done, of why Gorlois loathed any Pendragon. Uther had taken his wife, he had produced Morgana, and Gorlois held no hatred for her, but he hated the son of man who had produced her. Morgana had felt a moment of sickening clarity, almost stopping her in her tracks, Gorlois hated Arthur because he could not bear to hate her, the girl he had raised and could have easily rejected. But he had not, because he loved his wife and had come to love her.
"My Lady!"
The thud of Gwen dropping the basket brought Morgana back to reality. Gwen had taken her in her arms, propping Morgana close to her to keep her steady.
"Shall I call for Merlin?"
"No, no, Gwen I'm fine."
Despite the apprehension on Gwen's face Morgana meant what she said. Arthur didn't know the truth, but it was in her power to tell him, if she chose to. That part of the future was hers to create, and hers to decide. She wondered if she would tell and thought perhaps it would be possible.
One day.