Title: "Careful With What You Wish - Chap 11: You Are My World"
Author: J.J.
Warning: It's an AU BASED ON THE MANGA. It requires knowledge of the 'X' manga. It contains some Japanese words (the Dictionary is at the bottom), some OOC, a bit of sappiness, twisted relationships, suicide attempts, mentions of abuse, violence, general insanity and other stuffs I might have forgot... Deal with this fic with caution...
Notes: This is dark and twisted, dark and twisted, dark and twisted... have I mentioned it's dark and twisted? It's born to show a less nice Seishiro, how bad is Fuma's idea that Wishes must be fulfilled and how stubborn can be Subaru no matter what happened to him.
Warning over notes: This fic has notes. You will find them at the bottom. Each time you see a number between brackets it means there's a note connected to the word/sentence that preceded it. However I suggest you to read the notes AFTER you finished the fic unless the word/sentence connected to the note is really troublesome for you to understand. Anyway the fic should be still understandable without the notes. Notes are merely extra explanations for who wants to know more.
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo Babylon" and "X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...
Ehy, Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensible heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews... so please be honest but nice ok?
Thanks:
To Jennifer for betaing this! Thank you a lot!
To Moko, Tanuki-dono, Meffie, Sakanagi and Yupita for supporting me while writing this fic! Thank you a lot!
Summary: After meeting Subaru in his Maboroshi 16 years ago Seishiro chose to keep him and placed him under a spell so that he would obey to him. Now, in the year of the destiny he has to face Sumeragi Hokuto who wants her brother back and Monou Fuma's obsession for fulfilling wishes...

'We should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.' Andy Rooney

"There is nothing boy that can stop my course
I will hold you tight never let you go
Tomorrow's party will never end
Like a bud in spring our love will bloom and grow

Your eyes to me are precious stones
On a face that's made of a solid gold
When I hold your hand I want to cry
And your loving arms to protect me from the cold
You are my world, you are my world
You are my world, you are my world."
(Communards - "You Are My World")

Subaru truly hated dreaming. It was a thing he could do without, it was a thing he wanted to do without, he mused as he forced his breathing to return to normal after he had been jolted awake by another of his nightmares. He should be used at them by now but he wasn't. The one he had just had was of the worst type, always showing him that battle the end of which he dreaded so much. He was terrified by the idea that it could be a prophetic dream.(1)

At least Seishiro-san was with him. The older man was still sleeping, laying sprawled over him, his head resting on Subaru's chest, his arms loosely wrapped around Subaru's waist and back as his legs intertwined with Subaru's. To Subaru he was a warm and reassuring presence even if the position they were in, with Subaru trapped under him, should have reminded him more of Seishiro-san's possessive behaviour. Subaru didn't mind it much, he had got used to it long ago. He was grateful that a blanket was covering them. Seishiro-san had long ago started keeping one next to the couch due to Subaru's tendency to fall asleep there while watching the television and now, considering their undressed state, the thing definitely was coming in handy.

Subaru was warm and wasn't alone and that felt good, that gave him some relief from the dark thoughts and fears his nightmare had awoken in him. He gently caressed Seishiro-san's soft hair, careful to not wake him up, just enjoying the man's silent presence next to him. Seishiro-san was the centre of Subaru's universe. He always had been, as far as Subaru could remember. The centre of a life that, to Subaru, seemed grey and depressing and wouldn't have been worth of living hadn't Seishiro-san been around.

Subaru's oldest memory wasn't as old as he would have liked it to be. It was in full colour but it was somewhat... damaged... ruined, pieces missing making it a confused mix, flashes of clarity that couldn't really be put together into something that made sense.

There was a Sakura tree. There was a body. There was a young Seishiro-san, around eighteen. There was him, barely nine, dressed in a white Shikifuku. He knew he had talked with Seishiro-san and he knew the topic of their discussion had been something important, something that involved a promise, but he really couldn't remember the words they exchanged. He remembered feelings, feelings of anger, feelings of hopelessness, feelings of fear, feelings of sadness, feelings of loneliness, feelings of liking, feelings of bonding, feelings of affinity. He didn't know how to sort them, he wasn't even sure they had been his feelings, yet they had been there, silent witnesses of what had happened that day between the two of them. He knew somewhere, in between those memories, there was the moment Seishiro-san had put him under a spell, a spell that had chained Subaru to Seishiro-san's will forever, a spell that had erased completely the memory of his past, a spell that had marked him as Seishiro-san's property.

Seishiro-san had never made a secret of what he had done to him, probably believing that it wouldn't make a difference, that Subaru could do nothing against it, just submit passively to it.

Or maybe it was just Seishiro-san's way to keep him at a certain distance.

Despite how possessive of him he was, Seishiro-san had always behaved as if he couldn't believe that a person, in his right mind, would stay with him knowing what he was, who he was. Not even Subaru. That spell gave to Seishiro-san the security that Subaru would never manage to escape from his grasp. Subaru knew it. At first, he hadn't been fully conscious of the presence of Seishiro-san's spell in his mind but, growing up, he had learned to sense it, to recognize its pattern and the way it wrapped all around his will, pushing him to follow Seishiro-san's requests without hesitation.

He would never have been able to overcome it at first but, with time, he had started to realize the spell was losing his hold on him. He had no idea if it was because the spell was old or because, growing up, he had got stronger, but he knew he could have broken it if he had truly put his mind at it. He had never ever tried. He hadn't wanted to.

After he had been put under the spell his world had lost its colours, becoming painted only in various shades of grey and Sakurazuka Seishiro-san had been, and still was, the only light, the only spot of colour, the only thing that gave his life meaning.

Now that he was twenty-five he was old enough to understand that Seishiro-san's behaviour toward him was exactly like that of a spoiled child with his favourite toy. Maybe spoiled child wasn't a perfect description since Seishiro-san had treated him with care and attention right from day one, as a very treasured, frail possession, and, after all, it wasn't hard to see why. He wasn't just Seishiro-san's favourite; he was also Seishiro-san's only toy.

Seishiro-san never truly interacted with anyone besides him. No schoolmates, no girlfriends or boyfriends, no family, no teachers.

Oh, unlike Subaru, who was painfully shy and reserved, he could deal with people quite well, charming them and manipulating them without being noticed, but they weren't allowed to enter his world. They weren't allowed to see him, to know him; they could only gaze at the surface of an illusion that Seishiro-san had built around himself, and they could do it only for a short time.

Right from the beginning, in Seishiro-san's world there had only been the two of them and no one else.

Subaru was Seishiro-san's only toy, his only pet, his only playmate. He couldn't have meant much to the man but he couldn't be replaced, and therefore he had been treasured. Spoiled badly. Coddled and protected and, at the same time, kept away from the world and from any possible contact. Because he was Seishiro-san's, and Seishiro-san wasn't the type who shared.

Subaru didn't mind.

He had no real memories of his past before meeting Seishiro-san but he still reserved some... feelings. He thought he had probably been happy and loved but still... that hadn't been enough, and it wasn't enough to make him to wish he could go back. That happiness and that love hadn't been enough, he still had felt... lonely, out of place, weird, not good enough.

Seishiro-san might not be able to give him the same love or happiness but he made him feel... well, as if he was the right person in the right place. As if he belonged in Seishiro-san's world and was welcome there no matter what, and he had loved Seishiro-san for it, for giving him a place to belong, for welcoming him into his world.

As he had grown up however their relationship had become more complicated.

He'd been a shy teenager the first time Seishiro-san had kissed him, truly kissed him, not one of those casual, affectionate kisses he had given him every time he got a scratch to make the pain go away.

It had been a sweet kiss and Seishiro-san hadn't forced him into it. He had just... caught him by surprise. Subaru... Subaru had... he had liked it.

He had been a teenager in the middle of a hormonal storm and he had liked getting that sort of attention from the only person he loved. He had liked not being hurried or forced into things but let free to move at his own pace. He had liked it so much that it hadn't taken them long to move from light kisses to something more intimate until they spent their first night together.

Subaru sometimes wondered if it would have been different if he had other people around to be with and not just Seishiro-san, if he had been manipulated into it, if that relationship wasn't twisted because it had been born from an almost 'brotherly' one, because they were both guys, because he was so much younger than Seishiro-san.

In the end it hadn't matter to him and still didn't, really. He was happy with it.

Maybe their first night hadn't been the typical one that you find described in books, nothing so smooth and perfect as in romantic tales and nothing so... so... 'excessive' like one could read in pornographic ones, but it had been good. Seishiro-san had made it good for him and even if he had been frightened and it had hurt, in the end it had been worth it.

However... however it had been the beginning of a new string of troubles.

He remembered waking alone in the bed the morning after.

Seishiro-san was taking a shower as usual, as he did every morning, and he had let Subaru sleep, sure he could appreciate it.

Subaru should have appreciated it, or at least he believed so. He was still hurting, even if not overly much, and he was feeling oddly cold, alone, abandoned. Numbly he got up, picked up his clothes and dressed. He went straight to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. Then... that was the point at which his memories became confused. He remembered only walking into the kitchen and seeing 'it'. Then there was a blank void that was interrupted by the moment Seishiro-san, still busy drying his hair with a towel, joined him and found him holding a knife, staring numbly at his blood-covered wrist. Seishiro-san had been the one who had shaken Subaru out of his daze and had demanded an explanation for what had happened.

Subaru could offer none.

He just didn't remember. He didn't remember at all. Seishiro-san had bandaged his wrist and had carried him straight to the hospital, uncaring of the fact his hair was still wet and the day was cold.

The doctors stitched up Subaru's cut. They could offer no explanation for Subaru's memory gap except that shock could have caused it. It was clear everyone believed he had cut himself but Subaru just didn't remember.

Seishiro-san had taken him home after his wrist had been fixed and had spent the day with him, cuddling him and fussing over him. He had also asked him, more than once, if Subaru was angry with him for what had happened. Subaru wasn't, he knew he wasn't, however Seishiro-san hadn't lifted a finger to touch him more intimately than hugs and light kisses.

It had solved nothing. Three days later Subaru found himself dealing with another cut without having any idea about how he got it in the first place.

At loss about what to do, Seishiro-san had checked the whole house suspecting a possible connection with an Onmyoujutsu spell, reworked the Kekkai posed around it, the various other protections, their own ways of deflecting Sakanagi, and he also threw away all their knives and bought new ones. That didn't help either. Two days later they were back in the same situation, still with no explanation about what had caused it.

Subaru had been terrified; Seishiro-san, frustrated beyond belief.

That night Subaru had squirmed against him searching for protection, human contact and... something else. He remembered Seishiro-san had stared at him for a while before deciding that, at that point, giving into carnal desires couldn't possibly make the situation worse. He had, however, been even more gentle and considerate than the first time. The morning after and the mornings that had followed Subaru had always woken up in his arms, skin against skin, legs intertwined and a lingering scent of sex and sweat on them both, and had felt content, safe and at peace.

For the following two years there had been no more 'incidents'.

The forth time came unexpectedly, and Seishiro-san turned the whole house upside down searching for a cause. He found nothing. Subaru had waited for him curled on the couch as the man checked each corner. Subaru had no idea why it had happened. He still couldn't remember. He said nothing when Seishiro-san joined him on the couch and wrapped his arms around him, as if that could be enough to shield him from whatever was happening, and smoked a whole packet of cigarettes, one after the other, muttering death threats to whoever was causing this. In the middle of it Subaru had asked him to let him try to smoke too.

Seishiro-san had muttered something about him being too young and smoke being unhealthy.

Subaru hadn't remarked that Seishiro-san had also started smoking young or that smoke wasn't healthy for him either.(2)

"If this keeps up, I don't think it'll matter," he had said instead. Seishiro-san had stared at him, than had offered him the cigarette.

"Just a drag, Subaru-kun, and I don't think you'll like it," he had warned.

He hadn't. At all.

"Do you think I'm going crazy?" he had asked when he had stopped coughing. Seishiro-san had hesitated before answering.

"No," the man had said eventually. "You aren't upset at me for something I did, are you?" Subaru had shaken his head. He couldn't remember Seishiro-san doing something that had upset him. "Has something wrong happened I'm not aware of? Something strange?" Seishiro-san had asked then. Subaru had shaken his head again. He had thought about it too, but really he couldn't remember anything out of the ordinary. Seishiro-san had sighed. "I think I'll kill whoever is causing this. Slowly and painfully. No one has the right to touch what's mine," he had muttered.

"Seishiro-san... will you be lonely if I die?"

"You don't die. End of discussion. I won't allow it," Seishiro-san had stated with a tone of finality. Subaru could have had pointed out Seishiro-san might not have a say in it but instead had felt strangely reassured. He had simply blindly trusted him.

In the end Seishiro-san had shared a cigarette with him, and had never left him completely alone ever again. Maybe because of this, maybe for other reasons they couldn't imagine there had not been other 'incidents' and things had gone smoothly between them. Now Kamui had to mess things up due to his twisted conviction that fulfilling wishes was a good idea. Subaru didn't think so. There was a price to pay for each fulfilled wish. Sometimes the wish might not be worth its price. Subaru's Wish wasn't worth it in Subaru's opinion.

As he had said to Seishiro-san, he Wished for him. However, he wasn't stupid. He knew that Seishiro-san would shrug off whatever Subaru could do for him as an effect of the spell Seishiro-san had put on him. Sometimes Subaru also wondered if he was so drawn to the man only due to it. He didn't believe that was the case, but he knew that Seishiro-san would never realize it as long as the spell existed. Subaru's actions would never have meaning for him as long as the spell existed. Subaru knew. Subaru also knew he could manage to break the spell should he wish to. He was old enough, powerful enough. He would never do it.

The spell chained him to Seishiro-san; it was one of the many connections they shared, like the marks on his hands, and Seishiro-san would never understand were Subaru to choose to break the spell. He thrived on the power and in the security that the spell controlling Subaru gave him. He wouldn't understand how Subaru's wish for freedom didn't also mean that Subaru wished to be free of him.

The fulfilment of his Wish might cost Subaru what he had now with Seishiro-san. It was a price Subaru refused to pay.

Kamui, however, couldn't understand it. To him wishes were made to be fulfilled no matter the consequences.

Subaru couldn't allow him to fulfil his Wish, not at the price of losing Seishiro-san.

To be continued...

JJ's Notes:

1. According to the 'Tokyo Babylon' manga who held a special spiritual power since birth like Subaru or Seishiro can have prophetic dreams.

2. I've no idea when Seishiro started smoking in the manga but I always had the feeling he should have been pretty young.

JJ's Extra Notes:
Subaru's past memories are deliberately confusing.
Technically Seishiro put three spells on Subaru, one that marked Subaru's hands, one that erased his memory and one that bound him to Seishiro's will. Since they're all aimed to control Subaru and all connected together one way or another, both Subaru and Seishiro refer at them as 'a spell'.
One of the things I wanted to develop when I started writing this is that the fact that I don't think that Fuma's obsession for fulfilling Wishes of people who hadn't asked him to do so is nice, especially when said Wishes won't bring happiness. Actually I think it makes more damage than help.

Dictionary:
-kun: Young
-san: "Mr." or "Mrs."
Kekkai: Shield
Maboroshi: Illusion
Onmyoudo: "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based upon the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature
Onmyoujutsu: "Art of Yin and Yang". The ability to use Onmyoudo spells
Sakanagi: "Reverse effect". Backlash of a spell
Sakura: "Cherry Tree" or "Cherry Blossom"
Shikifuku: Ceremonial Robe

Replies to reviews:

To Everyone who reviewed: Thank you! You're a great encouragement for me!

To Gray Wings: Thank you for keeping rewiewing! Yes, it's not nice however Seishiro couldn't come up with another plan to keep Subaru all for himself... As for the happy ending... it's a secret!

To Dark Angel Of Fire Ice: (Blush) So many compliments! I'm so happy you're enjoying this!

To comixoriole: I'm glad you like Seishiro in this. Poor Subaru has no idea of his place in Seishiro's life and the fact part of his wills had been crippled isn't making his life any easier...

To Hatori Soma: I'm happy to hear you like this, however I've to apologise but I can't e-mail to all the readers to warn them about the updates. A chance might be for you to join They offer an 'update warning' service for members.

To Xelena: I love and I've read both series (along with another bunch of stories made by CLAMP) so, of course I use elements from both! I'm glad to hear you like how this is turning out!

To Momo: I tried to get all the available info on the original background. Sadly I miss some background info that CLAMP gave in their doujinshi... As for using the Japanese correctly... I'm trying my best! I'm glad you like this!

To TintAngel: As you can see in this chapter I explained what Subaru Wishes for... beware of how Fuma will try to 'help' him...

Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!
Send me your comments!