Title: "Careful With What You
Wish - Chap 17: My Soul"
Author: J.J.
Warning:
It's an AU BASED ON THE MANGA. It requires knowledge of the
'X' manga. It contains some Japanese words (the Dictionary is
at the bottom), some OOC, a bit of sappiness, twisted relationships,
suicide attempts, mentions of abuse, violence, general insanity and
other stuffs I might have forgot... Deal with this fic with
caution...
Notes: This is dark and twisted, dark and
twisted, dark and twisted... have I mentioned it's dark and twisted?
It's born to show a less nice Seishiro, how bad is Fuma's idea that
Wishes must be fulfilled and how stubborn can be Subaru no matter
what happened to him.
Warning over notes: This fic has
notes. You will find them at the bottom. Each time you see a number
between brackets it means there's a note connected to the
word/sentence that preceded it. However I suggest you to read the
notes AFTER you finished the fic unless the
word/sentence connected to the note is really troublesome for you to
understand. Anyway the fic should be still understandable without the
notes. Notes are merely extra explanations for who wants to know
more.
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo Babylon" and
"X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their
characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and
Subaru...
Ehy, Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and
a sensible heart which would surely break if you give me harsh
reviews... so please be honest but nice ok?
Thanks:
To
Jennifer for betaing this! Thank you a lot!
To Moko,
Tanuki-dono, Meffie, Sakanagi and Yupita
for supporting me while writing this fic! Thank you a lot!
Summary:
After meeting Subaru in his Maboroshi 16 years ago Seishiro chose
to keep him and placed him under a spell so that he would obey to
him. Now, in the year of the destiny he has to face Sumeragi Hokuto
who wants her brother back and Monou Fuma's obsession for fulfilling
wishes...
'We should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.' Andy Rooney
"Anima mia
Torna a casa tua.
Ti aspetterò dovessi odiare queste mura.
Anima mia
Nella stanza tua
C'è ancora il letto come l'hai lasciato tu..."
"My Soul
Get back home.
I will wait for you even if I'll have to hate those walls.
My Soul
In your room
There's still your bed as you left it..."
(Claudio Baglioni - "Anima Mia")(1)
He was running, running, running, without knowing where, without planning to stop.
The world was spinning, trembling. He didn't care, he didn't want to care, it wasn't important.
Somewhere, in a corner of his mind, he had registered that things looked and felt different from before. His senses had gone into overload shortly after the spell had broken, and his mind, to shield itself, had kind of shut them down, refusing to deal with them. It had enough to deal with already.
A voice in his mind had been screaming so long it had become a kind of white noise that was almost like silence.
He knew it was still screaming wordlessly, he just wasn't hearing it anymore and yet he was. Not that it was making any sense to him. Nothing was making sense.
There was a single word echoing incessantly in his mind, a name to be exact, a desperate plea that wouldn't be answered, that couldn't be answered.
Fragments of information that he just couldn't put together anymore.
Need, so huge, so raw, it was driving him insane.
Desperation. Mindless terror.
Physical pain that just couldn't compare to that in his soul.
He wanted to scream, he wanted to scream, he wanted to scream.
He didn't remember how so he was silent, running, running, running, always running, as far as he could go and yet never far enough, as if he was running on Buddha's hand.(2)
It didn't matter, he had nowhere to go as well as nowhere to stay.
He wanted to escape from this situation, he desperately wanted to, only he couldn't escape from his own mind and therefore, no matter how far he went, he was trapped, forever trapped.
Exhaustion was falling on him as his mind, unable to deal with its trauma further, was slowly shutting down.
Only one imperative remained: run away, but that imperative too was losing its sense of purpose.
Soon he found himself running without knowing why, merely because he had no reason to stop.
He was just running, running, running, without knowing where, without planning to stop.
But that didn't matter anymore...
Without Seishiro-san nothing mattered...
After Shinjuku's buildings started crumbling everything turned into confusion.(3) Sorata was running with Arashi, carrying Kamui's unconscious body in his arms. Shinjuku Hospital was still standing but it would have been too difficult to reach it after more than half of Shinjuku was destroyed, and anyway it was likely already filled with patients, so they decided it would be better to take Kamui to the Clamp Gakuen Hospital.
It was on their way to CLAMP Gakuen that they ended up slamming against a young man running in the opposite direction. The older boy fell to the ground and didn't try to move further. Sorata and Arashi immediately paused and checked him for injuries. The boy didn't answer their calls, he just remained where he fell, perfectly still as if unable to move or react. Gently, Sorata turned the boy's head toward himself and stared at the youth's empty green eyes. It didn't take him long to recognize him for the boy they had seen with the Sakurazukamori in Nakano months ago, Hokuto's brother, Subaru. However now he seemed... empty, void of spirit, a shell, a broken doll who couldn't move anymore, and he was quite battered.
"Sumeragi-san," Arashi called again, trying to get a reaction from him but with no results.
Whatever had happened to him had been bad enough to send him into shock.
Sorata groaned. It was going to be tricky to carry two people instead of one but he couldn't abandon Hokuto's brother here, not while he was in this state.
As he concentrated on the problem at hand he didn't sense the Chi no Ryu's Kamui watching the scene with a satisfied look.
Sakurazuka Seishiro was sitting on the floor, staring at the wall without really seeing it. He was alone.
Subaru-kun wasn't at home.
He wondered why that tiny little fact kept echoing in his brain as if it was a matter of life and death.
Subaru-kun wasn't at home.
Somehow the spell, the spell he had put on Subaru-kun to control him when he was a child, had been broken. The only one able to do so, besides himself, was Subaru-kun. He hadn't realized the spell had been broken at first, because the Sakanagi had been deflected perfectly and he had been inside the Ten no Ryu's Kekkai and couldn't perceive what happened outside of it. He wondered if Subaru-kun too had been shielded from the Sakanagi.
Subaru-kun wasn't at home.
He couldn't track Subaru-kun using the marks. It was as if someone had put him under a shield, a Kekkai of some sort.
Subaru-kun wasn't at home.
He had no idea where the boy could be, by the time he had gotten in the house, house, not home anymore, everything had already happened.
Subaru-kun wasn't at home.
He wondered why Subaru-kun had broken the spell.
Subaru-kun wasn't at home.
He wondered when and if Subaru-kun would return.
Subaru-kun wasn't at home.
He wondered if maybe he was wrong and someone else had broken the spell and taken Subaru-kun away from him.(4)
Subaru-kun wasn't at home.
He wondered if he was going insane.
Subaru-kun wasn't at home.
He couldn't understand why the whole matter was affecting him so much. Subaru-kun had been a mere plaything, an amusing and pleasing one certainly, but nothing more. He had been his plaything, but a plaything nonetheless.
Subaru-kun wasn't at home.
He just... wanted him back. Instead... he was alone.
Subaru-kun wasn't at home...
... And that... was all that mattered.
Sumeragi Hokuto had gotten out of her meeting with the Sakurazukamori and the destruction of Shinjuku alive. She was in bad shape of course but, after hearing the news, she was ready to swear she had never felt better and it would have been true. Subaru, her brother, her twin, her precious Subaru had been found by Sorata and Arashi-chan and now was in CLAMP Gakuen Hospital, away from the Sakurazukamori and, if she had a say in this, he would never be returned to that monster.
She hadn't been happy to hear what had been done to her brother, but after her little chat with the Sakurazukamori she knew she should have expected it. She was stubbornly sure he would recover. Kamui-chan was surely going to do the same, and Yuzuriha-chan... they would find her soon she was sure of this. Everything would go well. Her heart ached painfully when she reminded herself that nothing would go well for Saiki Daisuke, that the boy was dead and there was nothing she could do about it, but she didn't want to think about that. Her brother was back...
... And that... was all that mattered.
To be continued...
JJ's Notes:
1. 'Anima mia' is well one of the many pet names you can use to call your love/lover in Italian. I'm not sure it's used in English as well but well, it was fitting so I kept it...
2. In 'Xi You Ji' better known as 'Saiyuki' ('Journey to west') an ancient Chinese tale written by Wu Ch'eng En, Buddha bet with Son Goku that he could not fly out of his palm. Goku, knowing that in one flip he could cover one-hundred and eight thousand miles, agreed but ended up losing the bet.
3. Summary again for who hadn't read the manga. Fuma fights Saiki. Saiki is about to lose so Hinoto tries to use her magic to save him. Fuma informs Saiki that, if he'll counter Hinoto's attack she'll die and that he knows that Saiki's true Wish is to die protecting Hinoto and that's the time to fulfil his Wish. Saiki threw himself at Fuma. Meanwhile, unable to find Yuzuriha Kamui returns back to find... Saiki's head rolling in front of him (CLAMP must have a thing for disembodied heads... first there's Saya, then Tokiko, then Kotori now Saiki...). Then Saiki's body fall in front of him and Fuma cheerfully tells him he had just finished murdering Saiki. Kamui looses it and attacks Fuma. Fuma doesn't even attempt to defend himself however Kamui didn't kill him, merely wounds his shoulder. Fuma tells him that, if he wants to kill him, he must hit his heart then hit him in return. Minutes after Sotara and Arashi arrive and Fuma tells then that, had he killed Kamui, Kamui would have been very happy. Sorata tries to raise his Kekkai but it's too late. Shinjuku's Kekkai starts falling and they are forced to escape with Kamui. However I assume that this didn't destroy the whole Shinjuku. The Chi no Ryu's Headquarters is, after all, in Shinjuku as well and it's still standing...
4. Seishiro didn't see any sight of what Fuma did. Subaru hadn't fought back and the sheets had been a mess before he left so they hadn't looked suspicious. If you want the only thing out of place was the open door but it didn't look that suspicious since he believes Subaru had left...
JJ's Extra Notes:
Yes, yes, I know, the sentence '
Subaru-kun wasn't at home.' after a while became quite annoying.
The effect I wanted to get was kind of like the one of the famous
drop of water continuously falling in the silence of the night.
Something quiet that drive you to insanity. At least, that's the
effect it's having on Seishiro.
I pondered over keeping the first
part of this chapter or deleting it for days. In the end I left it
even if I'm not satisfied with it at all.
Dictionary:
-chan:
Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with
a child
-kun: Young
-sama: "Lord" or
"Lady"
-san: "Mr." or "Mrs."
Chi
no Ryu: Dragon of Earth
Hime: Princess
KaiChou:
President
Kami: God
Kamui: "The One Who
Represents The Power Of God" or "The One Who Hunts The
Power Of God"
Kazetsukai: Wind Caster
Kekkai:
Shield
Maboroshi: Illusion
Ofuda: Short, polite
form for 'Ujikofuda' ("Charm for Shrine Visitors").
Rectangular paper "charm" used to cast some
spells
Onmyoudo: "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and
Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and
changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based upon the Chinese arts of
astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical
way of living in harmony with the forces of nature
Onmyoujutsu:
"Art of Yin and Yang". The ability to use Onmyoudo
spells
Sakurazukamori: "Guardian of the Cherry Blossom
Burial Mound". The assassin who uses Onmyoujutsu to kill who
threatens Japan
Seiyaku: Pharmaceutical
Souhoshi:
"Accompanying Star" or "Gemini" or "Twin
Star"
Ten no Ryu: Dragon of Heaven
YumeMi:
"Dreamgazer". Who can see the future in dreams
Replies to reviews:
To Everyone who reviewed: Thank you! You're a great encouragement for me!
To Lady Samurai: Sorry for the cliffhangers... but they should be part of the fun of reading the fic!
To Dark Angel Of Fire Ice: Fuma is actually persuaded he had helped Kamui since he had helped him to fulfil his Wish to be free of the spell... yes, he has a weird idea of helping people... I'll be waiting for another chap of 'Predator, Prey, Possession' anxiously!
To Ryouko Masaki: Maybe it signalled an updated because I substituted the unbetaed chapters with the betaed ones... I'm glad you were happy to see an update!
To kurai-tsubasa: (blush) Thank you so much! I didn't want to portray an evil Kamui even if the things he did are evil he didn't mean for them to be evil. I do think Kamui doesn't really have the same moral values of normal people... Seishiro's not going to take well Subaru's absence... As for Subaru's eye... in the manga he lost it on Sunshine 60 that had been already destroyed and here he has no real reason to wish to lose it. After all Seishiro has both his eyes...
To Hatori Soma: That's kinda... threatening... but don't worry... this fic will be finished!
To helo: Try joining the community 'Clamp 2 Share' for more material over the manga... I'm sorry this chap came out so late... Sadly I had a big workload recently and I couldn't decide if to keep a scene or not... Thank you for suggesting to your friends to read this fic! It was very nice of you!
To kazuchan!: Here's more!
To emerald: (blush) Thank you! Here's more!
To alkun: Actually poor Subaru's thoughts aren't making much sense at the moment... but I hope you enjoyed the chap anyway!
To Moonstar: Here's more!
To pisatower: I'm happy to know you enjoyed my work! Just wondering... are you Italian?
To tamakun: (blush) I'm glad you enjoyed it as well!
To Momo: I'm happy you appreciated the plot idea! I've a demo version of this already written, yes, so I know where this is heading and, if worst came to worst and I won't have time anymore to write, I will still be able to put up the raw chapters so readers can at least know the ending. Thanks for reviewing!
To night aya: (blush) I'm sorry you had to wait for the update but here it is!
To penguinie: Here's the new chapter! I hope you will enjoy it too!
Don't grumble silently,
please let me know what you're thinking of this!
Send me your
comments!