Title: "Careful With What You Wish - Chap 18: In The Shadows"
Author: J.J.
Warning: It's an AU BASED ON THE MANGA. It requires knowledge of the 'X' manga. It contains some Japanese words (the Dictionary is at the bottom), some OOC, a bit of sappiness, twisted relationships, suicide attempts, mentions of abuse, violence, general insanity and other stuffs I might have forgot... Deal with this fic with caution...
Notes: This is dark and twisted, dark and twisted, dark and twisted... have I mentioned it's dark and twisted? It's born to show a less nice Seishiro, how bad is Fuma's idea that Wishes must be fulfilled and how stubborn can be Subaru no matter what happened to him.
Warning over notes: This fic has notes. You will find them at the bottom. Each time you see a number between brackets it means there's a note connected to the word/sentence that preceded it. However I suggest you to read the notes AFTER you finished the fic unless the word/sentence connected to the note is really troublesome for you to understand. Anyway the fic should be still understandable without the notes. Notes are merely extra explanations for who wants to know more.
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo Babylon" and "X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...
Ehy, Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensible heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews... so please be honest but nice ok?
Thanks:
To Jennifer for betaing this! Thank you a lot!
To Moko, Tanuki-dono, Meffie, Sakanagi and Yupita for supporting me while writing this fic! Thank you a lot!
Summary: After meeting Subaru in his Maboroshi 16 years ago Seishiro chose to keep him and placed him under a spell so that he would obey to him. Now, in the year of the destiny he has to face Sumeragi Hokuto who wants her brother back and Monou Fuma's obsession for fulfilling wishes...

'We should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.' Andy Rooney

"I been watching
I been waiting
In the shadows all my time
I been searching
I been living
For tomorrows all my life

Lately I been walking, walking in circles, watching waiting for something
Feel me, touch me, feel me, come take me higher."
(Rasmus - "In The Shadows")

Kakyou's dreamscape was looking its usual self, a vast and silent reproduction of the universe. Stars were shining far away from him, beautiful and unreachable. He was used to this, to watching without ever being able to touch, to hold, to possess. He was a YumeMi, after all. He wasn't supposed to live, merely to watch life as it followed its path, a path that currently was carrying the world toward its destruction.

Kakyou closed his eyes with a sigh. He was tired of merely watching, watching without being able to change anything. So tired. Watching others as they lived was the only thing he was capable of doing, the only thing that made him useful. He had tried to do more, to help a person who had been kind to him. He had failed and that failure confirmed his incapacity. He could only wait, wait for the world to end, for Kamui to kill him off and put an end to the pointless thing that was his existence. He looked forward to it.

However, he reminded himself as he opened his eyes and raised his head, willing a door to appear in his dreamscape, he still had something to do, a promise to keep, even if he didn't really look forward to it.

It didn't matter, really, he decided as he walked toward that door. After all, apart from his death, there was nothing he looked forward for.(1)

The change between his dreamscape and the one he found himself in was marked.

Sumeragi Hokuto-san's dreamscape looked very... nice. Happy. Beautiful.

So different from the infinite space that characterized his own, different from the colourless void that was Subaru-san's dreamscape, different from the visions filled with Sakura and assorted horrors that the Sakurazukamori saw, different from the half glassy, half watery world in which the Ten no Ryu's YumeMi resided.

Sumeragi Hokuto-san's dreamscape was sunny, welcoming, fresh and breathtaking, such a pleasurable change from the others he almost wished he could reside there forever.

He wondered if it was because the girl believed she had fulfilled her goal.

He felt hesitant to bother her here, to reveal his presence in her world, but she sensed him anyway making his hesitation pointless.

"Huh? Who are you? Why is it that you can enter my dream?" she asked in a curious tone. She was wearing a gentle, friendly expression as she spoke, one that made him felt almost welcome, but then her eyes widened and he could read fear in them.

"You are... you're one of the Chi no Ryu, aren't you?" she asked, taking a couple of steps back as her eyes hardened and she seemed to prepare herself for a battle.

"I'm Kuzuki Kakyou, their YumeMi," he replied simply, inexplicably further saddened by her reaction. He should have expected he wouldn't be welcome in such a beautiful dream. Why should he be? To her he was just an enemy... "I'm really sorry to bother you, but I've been asked to deliver a message to you," he said in an apologetic tone, politely bowing his head toward the girl. He really hadn't meant to bother her. She was the last person he wanted to bother, even if he had no idea why.

Sumeragi-san shook her head, her stance relaxing slightly.

"It's okay. What can I do for you?" she asked, her friendly smile back. Kakyou was stricken by how markedly she resembled her brother, but at the same time she didn't look like him at all. It was... disconcerting. He hadn't expected this. He knew she physically resembled him, he had seen her in his dreams before and had judged her merely a more active female copy of Subaru-san. Now... now he could see how her kindness matched perfectly her brother's and yet... she was different from him, not his copy but her own person, and he somehow felt drawn to her in a manner he had never felt before.

"You're so similar to Subaru-san and yet... you're not," he couldn't help but say. He didn't know how to put his feelings into words, really. Subaru-san... was a friend he had wanted to help. Sumeragi Hokuto-san... seemed to him a special person that needed to be protected.

"What about my brother?" she asked suspiciously, her gaze turning wary, causing him a new wave of sadness and reminding him of his state. He was her enemy and even if he hadn't been he would be of no use to her. Really, why was Kamui waiting to kill him?

"He... he'd been kind to me. The closest thing I had to a friend," he replied softly, lowering his gaze. "He asked me to bring you a message," he explained in an apologetic tone, wishing he knew how to explain that he would have never dared to bother her if it hadn't been for this reason.

"Now? You've been in Subaru's dream now and he asked you?" she asked eagerly, her wariness forgotten, and she truly looked beautiful in her childish excitation. He shook his head, feeling guilty at disappointing her. He didn't want to disappoint her but he didn't want to lie to her either.

"No, not now. This afternoon. I had to wait for you to fall asleep to deliver it to you, and I'll have to wait for him to be asleep to enter his dreams again," he explained, still sounding apologetic. Sumeragi-san frowned, causing him to feel like a naughty kid.

"Subaru is asleep," she stated.

Kakyou frowned as well at her statement, temporary forgetting Sumeragi-san's displeasure to turn his attention on his own power. He concentrated but he just couldn't locate Subaru-san in a dreamscape. The boy was out of his reach.

"I can't reach him," he admitted, feeling uncomfortable with it. "That's not good. He has never kept me out. He's too polite and kind to refuse me entrance and..." he trailed off. He knew Subaru-san was powerful enough to have some means to block him out if he wanted to, but... but he would sense something anyway, an echo of his presence in a dreamscape. Instead there was no trace of him, no trace of him at all.

"They... they had to sedate him," Sumeragi-san admitted hesitantly. She didn't seem too pleased with that. Kakyou could sympathize. Probably it was hard for her to cope with what had been done to her precious brother.

"That explains it then," he replied nodding. Sedatives could tamper with Subaru-san's mind and Kakyou's powers as well, keeping Subaru-san in a level of sleep that Kakyou couldn't reach.(2) "Sumeragi-san, your brother had asked me to tell you that he was fine and not to search for him," he said then, reporting Subaru-san's message. He noticed her frowning and felt like sighing. He had displeased her again. It seemed he couldn't help it. "I've heard what happened today," he admitted, lowering his head again. "I suppose referring his message to you now was unnecessary, but I promised your brother and so I did it anyway. He's a kind person. I didn't want something... like that... to happen to him," he said very honestly. He had no idea why he was telling her all this. It just... came out of his mouth before he could stop it.

Sumeragi-san smiled at him again, a smile tinged with sadness yet gentle. A smile he would treasure in his memories.

"I... I appreciate it, Kuzuki-san, really, I... oh, calling you Kuzuki-san is so formal! Do you mind if I call you simply Kakyou? You can call me Hokuto like everyone else!" she offered and Kakyou blinked.

Maybe the differences between the Sumeragi twins were even more marked than he had supposed in the beginning. For all his kindness Subaru-san was totally unable to get that... close... to another human being with the exception of the Sakurazukamori. He always kept himself at a certain distance, politely avoiding stepping in other people's personal space more than necessary. Sumeragi Hokuto-san... she just stepped in, brightening and warming everything in such a wonderful way he was amazed.

"No, I don't mind Hokuto-san," he assured her. He definitely didn't mind. He didn't think his name had ever sounded better than when Hokuto-san had said it. It was another memory he was going to treasure.

"Just Hokuto is enough," she stated with a cheerful smile, then became serious again. "Kakyou, did you know my brother was under the Sakurazukamori's influence?" she inquired then.

"In which sense?" he asked blinking. The more he was in the presence of Hokuto the more it was difficult to think of Subaru-san. It was odd, but strangely pleasing as well.

"He put him under a spell!" the girl exclaimed.

"I know. Subaru-san said that and I've heard the Sakurazukamori and the Chi no Ryu's Kamui talking about it as well," Kakyou replied quietly. He didn't approve of what the Sakurazukamori did to Subaru-san but he knew it hadn't been the spell that had stopped the boy from leaving the Sakurazukamori.

"Then, if you were Subaru's friend why didn't you help him to escape from the Sakurazukamori's hold?" she asked, giving Kakyou more credit than he deserved. It wasn't like Kakyou, despite being Subaru-san's friend, could have done more to help him. Kakyou sighed.

"I told him to leave that man; he didn't want to," he explained. Warning Subaru-san had been all he had been able to do and it hadn't worked. Really, he was such an useless being...

"He couldn't! He was under a spell!" Hokuto countered heatedly.

"Hokuto... your brother is a strong Onmyouji. A really strong Onmyouji," he reminded her in a gentle tone. "If he's free from the spell now it's because he broke it. He could have done it before. He didn't want to do it. He wanted to stay with the Sakurazukamori, no matter what." He saw her about to speak and raised his hand to stop her. "However, before this afternoon, he had no idea he had a sister. His only family was the Sakurazukamori. He'd been with him all those years. Somehow that man has grown to mean the world to him, whether he deserved to have such a high place in Subaru-san's heart or not. I don't like the Sakurazukamori or the way he treated him and I told Subaru-san so, but when Subaru-san chooses something there is no way to change his mind."

"He had always been stubborn... even when he was a child..." she admitted. "But now he's free from that evil man and he won't have to ever see him again!"

He frowned. She didn't seem to understand the nature of Subaru-san's bond to the Sakurazukamori. She only saw the spell. Kakyou knew there was much more than that. Much, much more. He had no idea if that bond could be broken and he was sure the Sakurazukamori wouldn't let go of Subaru-san easily, nor would Subaru-san be able to give up on the Sakurazukamori just because the spell wasn't there anymore.

"Hokuto... may I give you some advice?" he asked hesitantly. He really didn't know how to put all this in a manner that wouldn't displease her, but he didn't want to lie to her either. She nodded and he took a large breath before speaking. "Your brother... I know in the past years he has had his own problems and his balance isn't... perfect. Somehow he's very dependent upon the Sakurazukamori. In a twisted way he gave him stability. If you face the matter with him be careful. He doesn't remember you. Right now he depends more on the Sakurazukamori than what would be better for him. It won't help you if you portray the Sakurazukamori as an evil man when Subaru-san isn't ready to see him as one."

"He couldn't have that much influence on my brother..." Hokuto whispered, worry rising inside her.

"Hokuto... you'll be surprised..." he replied sadly. They stared at each other in silence for some minutes.

"I like Subaru-san," Kakyou said eventually. "As I said, he has been nice to me. I want him to be happy. He said he was happy in his own way, but I know that his so called 'happiness' wasn't enough. He wasn't free. He was trapped. Forced to depend on someone else's will. And that wasn't fair."

Hokuto nodded, fully agreeing with him.

"Thank you for your advice, Kakyou. I'll take good care of Subaru from now on. You can be sure of it!" she assured, smiling again.

He nodded in reply. They remained in silence some more minutes.

"Then... I'll say goodbye..." he said softly in the end. Somehow he was hesitant to leave. He liked here. He liked to be with her as well. He liked it very much.

"Goodbye..." she replied, sounding hesitant as well. "Maybe..." she added.

"Maybe?" he prodded.

"Maybe you can visit me again?" she offered. "And Subaru of course. I'm sure he would be happy to talk with a friend!" she added as an afterthought.

"If I have the chance I'll do so with pleasure..." he assured her. She smiled. He smiled back, his first smile in... he couldn't remember how many years, and, just this once, he though he understood Subaru-san's talk of how a person could make life worth living.

To be continued...

JJ's Notes:

1. Kakyou doesn't really need to open a door to enter from a dreamscape to another. It just seems fitting to have him doing it to enter in Hokuto's dream. It's... well, more polite than fuse the two dreamscapes.

2. No idea about the whole extent of power of YumeMi in general and Kakyou in particular. I tend to think it's huge but it has its limits.

JJ's Extra Notes:
It had been fun to write about Hokuto and Kakyou's first meeting. I liked to have the two interacting, they're kind of cute. I wanted Kakyou fall in love slowly. At first to him Hokuto is nothing more than Subaru's twin sister. Then he starts to notice that, while she has things in common with Subaru (whom Kakyou considers as a friend), she has something different as well, in a not unpleasant manner. In the end in his eyes she's definitely much more important than Subaru...
Oh, despite the large use of the nickname 'Kyou-chan' in fandom Hokuto never used it in the manga so I won't use it as well...
Also, Kakyou in the manga always called Hokuto just 'Hokuto'. This too will be left unchanged here.
As for the relation between Hokuto and Seishiro... for a while Seishiro will be a bad guy in Hokuto's book. She had spent years hating him for stealing Subaru and she is persuaded he's the one who hurt Subaru... so whoever was waiting for her to support the relationship between Subaru and Seishiro will be in for a waiting...

Dictionary:
-chan: Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child
-san: "Mr." or "Mrs."
Chi no Ryu: Dragon of Earth
Maboroshi: Illusion
Onmyoudo: "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based upon the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature
Onmyouji: "Person who practices Onmyoudo". Basically a magician, sorcerer, diviner and astrologer
Onmyoujutsu: "Art of Yin and Yang". The ability to use Onmyoudo spells
Sakura: "Cherry Tree" or "Cherry Blossom"
Sakurazukamori: "Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound". The assassin who uses Onmyoujutsu to kill who threatens Japan
Ten no Ryu: Dragon of Heaven
YumeMi: "Dreamgazer". Who can see the future in dreams

Replies to reviews:

To Everyone who reviewed: Thank you! You're a great encouragement for me!

To penguinie: I know it's annoying for us who know that Subaru and Seishiro belog together to see Hokuto wishing to keep them parted... but all she knows about Seishiro is that he's the Sakurazukamori, a guy who kills people and that had kidnapped her brother when he was a child... and she believes it had been the Sakurazukamori the one who hurt Subaru... so her behaviour is comprehensible...

To Lady Samurai: (blush) thank you!

To Gray Wings: Those two just don't know how to stay parted. After all they had been spending their lives being always together for 16 years... They just don't know what to do with themselves when they're alone...

To Dark Angel Of Fire Ice: (blush) Thank you so much! Don't worry if you've no time to update. I understand you fully! But it's still a lovely fic and I've an insatiable unger for lovely fics!

To THopkins: Well, you'll have to wait a bit for their next interaction. Seishiro is sadly in complete denial and Subaru... the poor boy has his own problems as well...

To ryuu: And the worst part is that Kamui doesn't even realize he has done something wrong as long as it has fulfilled a wish... Well... it's a bit too soon to spoil the ending, isn't it?

Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!
Send me your comments!