Title: "Careful With What You Wish - Chap 19: Breaking The Habit"
Author: J.J.
Warning: It's an AU BASED ON THE MANGA. It requires knowledge of the 'X' manga. It contains some Japanese words (the Dictionary is at the bottom), some OOC, a bit of sappiness, twisted relationships, suicide attempts, mentions of abuse, violence, general insanity and other stuffs I might have forgot... Deal with this fic with caution...
Notes: This is dark and twisted, dark and twisted, dark and twisted... have I mentioned it's dark and twisted? It's born to show a less nice Seishiro, how bad is Fuma's idea that Wishes must be fulfilled and how stubborn can be Subaru no matter what happened to him.
Warning over notes: This fic has notes. You will find them at the bottom. Each time you see a number between brackets it means there's a note connected to the word/sentence that preceded it. However I suggest you to read the notes AFTER you finished the fic unless the word/sentence connected to the note is really troublesome for you to understand. Anyway the fic should be still understandable without the notes. Notes are merely extra explanations for who wants to know more.
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo Babylon" and "X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...
Ehy, Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensible heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews... so please be honest but nice ok?
Thanks:
To Jennifer for betaing this! Thank you a lot!
To Moko, Tanuki-dono, Meffie, Sakanagi and Yupita for supporting me while writing this fic! Thank you a lot!
Summary: After meeting Subaru in his Maboroshi 16 years ago Seishiro chose to keep him and placed him under a spell so that he would obey to him. Now, in the year of the destiny he has to face Sumeragi Hokuto who wants her brother back and Monou Fuma's obsession for fulfilling wishes...

'We should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.' Andy Rooney

"Memories concern
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safer in my room
Unless I try to start again

I don't want to be the one
Who battles always choose
Cuz inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight."
(Linkin Park - "Breaking The Habit")

When Seishiro got over that, for him inexplicable, sense of loss enough to think coherently the first thing he did (after tearing the house up just because he felt like that) was to go straight to the Chi no Ryu's Headquarter.

There, between YumeMi and computer experts, someone should know where his Subaru-kun was, someone should be able to do what all his Onmyoujutsu couldn't. Someone had better to be able to find him.(1)

He had no idea what he would do if he didn't get Subaru-kun back. It wasn't as if Subaru-kun was important to him... it was just he was so used to having him around he simply couldn't bear to be without him. Besides, Subaru-kun was his. Subaru-kun was supposed to stay with him, always with him, forever with him, until the world fell down with him; in this life and in the next and in the one after it with him, with him, with him, with him...

There was no way he could accept this separation from Subaru-kun! No, the boy had to be returned to him; surely that was what Subaru-kun wished as well, wasn't it? Because Subaru-kun was surely wishing to be back with him as well, wasn't he?

But when he reached the Chi no Ryu's Headquarters it turned out it wasn't his lucky day. As if that hadn't already been made abundantly clear... Anyway, Kanoe had no dreams about Subaru-kun, Beast couldn't track him down, and it was out of question to ask Kuzuki for help since he knew the stupid YumeMi would never help him, no matter what Seishiro did to him. Actually, the stupid YumeMi would be happy if Seishiro were to kill him.(2) As for Kamui...

"Sorry, Sakurazukamori, to have your Ten no Ryu back isn't your Wish," the Chi no Ryu's Kamui stated nonchalantly once questioned over it.

"What do you mean? Of course I want to have Subaru-kun back," he had replied in a low tone, his eyes narrowing dangerously, hating how the boy could be so casual over the whole matter. Not that it was an important matter exactly, but still, Kamui wasn't allowed to be casual over Subaru-kun's absence! No one was! Subaru-kun didn't know what to do without him. The boy needed him. Seishiro had no idea what kind of messes Subaru-kun could get himself into without him. And not that he cared, but he needed Subaru-kun returned to him immediately because Subaru-kun couldn't bear to be without him... could he? "Subaru-kun is my property. No one can have what's mine," he stated, chasing away that tiny flicker of doubt which ate at him. After all, it was just a matter of property for him, wasn't it? Yes, it was merely that... Subaru-kun meant nothing. It was the boy who needed him, not the other way around. Yes, it was surely that...

Kamui had looked at him with an amused expression as he spoke and Seishiro had wished he could strangle him, but he couldn't waste his time strangling stupid teenagers that believed they knew everything. Not when he had to search for Subaru-kun. Not that searching for Subaru-kun was on his priority list; after all, Subaru-kun was probably already searching for him, but Subaru-kun had no sense of orientation which must be why he hadn't found him yet. Yes, that must be it. There couldn't be another explanation. Subaru-kun liked to be with him, he would never leave on his own... Once Subaru-kun was back he would probably tell Seishiro how much he had missed him. Yeah. That was for sure. Because Subaru-kun was like that. Subaru-kun would miss him... wouldn't he?

"You may say you want him back but you don't Wish for it, and as long as that Want doesn't turn into a Wish I can't help you," the teenager clarified, wearing still that stupid amused grin, and that had been all the help he had offered. Only at a certain point it hadn't looked like Kamui's grin but like Subaru-kun's gentle smile, and Seishiro knew it wasn't but he just couldn't bear to see it because... because it was a poor illusion and he couldn't stand sloppy works, could he? A poor, tasteless illusion. The original was nothing like that. He wanted the original and he was sure Subaru-kun wanted him as well. Once he had him back the boy would tell him just that. Wouldn't he?

Kakyou hadn't been pleased with what Kamui had done to Subaru-san and he had said so in his hesitant way. Kamui was his saviour, but there were some things of which Kakyou couldn't approve. Kamui had shrugged his complaints off carelessly, without taking offence but without giving them any consideration either.

"They both Wished that spell be broken. I merely helped to accomplish it," he explained as though he had done nothing wrong, and Kakyou was ready to bet Kamui couldn't understand that he had, that fulfilling that Wish just wasn't worth such a price, that Subaru-san hadn't deserved to be hurt that way, and even if now he was safe and back with his sister as Kakyou believed was right, what had been done to him was just... wrong.(3)

"Yes, but Subaru-san..." he tried to reason.

"He's tougher than he looks," Kamui stated and there was a faint trace of admiration in his voice. "Trust me, what truly upset him wasn't what I did, but the idea he displeased the Sakurazukamori. The Sakurazukamori is all he cares for." Kakyou frowned, not sure if he was more displeased by Kamui's lack of care and understanding or by the dependency Subaru-san still had on the Sakurazukamori. Besides, he wouldn't say that Subaru-san, after what had happened, had been merely 'upset'.

"It might be," he conceded. "But Subaru-san didn't Wish to be hurt or parted from the Sakurazukamori, and the Sakurazukamori says he Wishes him back." Not that Kakyou cared about the Sakurazukamori's Wishes. Actually, if Kamui had done 'that' to the Sakurazukamori he wouldn't mind much. It was due to that man's actions and lack of care that everything had happened, and now he had the audacity to come and complain that he wanted Subaru-san back as a child would over his favourite Teddy Bear.

"No one is keeping them apart but themselves. The Sakurazukamori is too scared by the idea that his doll might not want to stay with him to really Wish to have him back. As for the Ten no Ryu... he's also too afraid the Sakurazukamori might not want him anymore to Wish to return to him. They are keeping themselves parted," Kamui explained in a patient tone, as if he was a parent talking with a child.

Kakyou lowered his head in defeat. Kamui wouldn't listen him, and no matter what Kamui said Kakyou still couldn't approve of what Kamui had done, but there wasn't much he could do. He was a mere YumeMi bound only to be able to dream of the future and, worryingly, he still couldn't find Subaru-san's dreamscape. Either they were keeping him still heavily sedated or something very wrong was going on.

Hokuto was spending most of her days staring worriedly at her brother. Clamp Gakuen Hospital had released Subaru but the boy... just wasn't reacting to anything. Imonoyama-san had offered him a room in the same place where she and the other Ten no Ryu were and Subaru spent his days there, curled on the floor beside the bed, staring at nothing, refusing to talk, to eat, to sleep or to be comforted. People had to be wary of getting too close to him. After the doctors had tried to undress him to take care of his injuries Subaru had begun to react violently against those who tried to touch him, even if they were only trying to help him or hug him as Hokuto desperately wanted and was unable to do. That day they had had to sedate him to treat him and they had kept him sedated the following days as well because Subaru tried to rip off the bandages, refusing to allow anyone else to take care of him and refusing to do so himself.

Post abuse reaction the doctor had called it.

When left quiet Subaru was apathetic most of the time spending his time all curled on himself like an hedgehog and looking like he didn't plan to uncurl anytime soon.

Kamui-chan, naïve child that he was, had asked her what she planned to do with her brother now that she had him back, if she would return to him the title of Sumeragi no Chou once he had recovered fully. Hokuto knew very well that she couldn't, that she couldn't even send him back home, because even if the Sumeragi Ichimon could, by some miracle, overlook that Subaru had lived with the Sakurazukamori for all those years, the last 'happening' would seal the boy's fate in their eyes. They would never accept him again after there was secure proof from the hospital of what had been done to Subaru over the years. They would consider it more merciful and proper to kill him. They would probably try to do so, unable to accept that one of them could have been tainted in such a way.

So Subaru was her responsibility and her's alone, yet she couldn't help him.

He still behaved like he didn't recognize her and kept her away like he did everyone else. She could plead, she could scream, but Subaru just wouldn't do what she told him, wouldn't even let her brush his cheek.

He planned to let himself die, she could see that. He planned to let himself die of starvation and exhaustion.

She refused to accept that.

He had to live. One day he would forget the incident and learn to appreciate life again, she was sure of it.

So she continued to try coaxing him to eat or sleep or talk without success. So far, the only thing she had heard him say was 'Seishiro-san'. She remembered that was the Sakurazukamori's name and wasn't pleased. She so wanted to rip away from Subaru any memory of that man and of the horrible things he had done to him, and yet she could only witness her brother's pain.

Kamui-chan and the other Ten no Ryu were trying to help as well, especially Kamui-chan. He said he felt an affinity with Subaru. It was probably because he had been molested by the Chi no Ryu's Kamui. The young boy would sit with Subaru and talk to him for hours, and Subaru's eyes sometimes would turn on him as if Kamui-chan had managed to get past the wall of apathy that trapped her brother's heart, but that was all; the biggest reaction they got from him and Hokuto couldn't help but grew more worried each day.

While Subaru's way of dealing with the whole problem was passivity, Seishiro had turned his sulking into continuous activity, be it murdering someone or blowing a Kekkai.(4) It really didn't matter what he did as long as it gave him a way to fill the time, as long as it stopped him from turning in search of a certain someone and finding an empty space where his Subaru-kun should be, as long as it stopped him from wondering why, why,why,why Subaru-kun hadn't returned yet, why, why, why, why Subaru-kun had left in the first place. It didn't really work but Seishiro didn't know what else to do and so he continued, day after day, until each moment started to blur with the following, and only keeping himself busy mattered, only keeping himself busy could numb that oppressive feeling for which he had no name and that was slowly devouring him from the inside.

Subaru didn't know, of course; no one dared to mention the Sakurazukamori near him and even if they did Subaru wouldn't have known or understood the reason behind the Sakurazukamori's action so it wouldn't have really helped. However, not hearing the name of the Sakurazukamori mentioned wasn't helping Subaru either. Lack of sleep and food were messing further his already compromised mental balance. His perception of the world had been altered after the spell under which he had been put was broken. The spell had numbed his senses for many years but now that it had been broken everything was... more vivid, more intense in Subaru's mind, so intense it hurt, but something had remained constant. He still wanted Seishiro-san, needed Seishiro-san, couldn't bear to be apart from him especially after what had been done to him.

However... however the Chi no Ryu's Kamui had told him Seishiro-san wouldn't want him anymore after what had happened. Subaru could believe it easily.

Now that he thought about it he remembered Seishiro-san had NEVER wanted to share him with anyone else. He had always been jealous of his favourite toy, loving to show him off but never allowing others to touch him. He had been stupid to believe Seishiro-san might have wished to share him with Kamui, but Seishiro-san had been behaving too oddly for him to understand. When Kamui had told him that he was there to fulfil Seishiro-san's Wish he hadn't stopped to think about it, he had just submitted to what he had believed was Seishiro-san's will.

And when he had realized he was wrong... that what he had done was the farthest thing from Seishiro-san's Wish... he had broken the spell.

That spell was the only reason Seishiro-san had let him be close to him. No one should stay close to the Sakurazukamori but, since Subaru was nothing more than a puppet in his hands, he didn't count. He didn't count, he didn't matter and so he was allowed to stay.

Subaru had been stupid. He had wanted to count, he had Wished to count, to matter and Kamui had fulfilled his Wish. Now, whatever Subaru did for Seishiro-san would be on his free will and not dictated by a spell and would have meaning. Too bad Seishiro-san would never keep him now, would never allow him to do things for him now. Too bad. Too horrible. Too horrible to bear.

Maybe Seishiro-san would kill him. At that point Subaru didn't care. At that point Subaru thought he going insane. All he wanted was to escape, to escape from this situation.

One day, while 'they' were distracted, he had tried to kill himself. He had been caught and stopped before reaching his goal. 'They' had bandaged his wounded wrist, wondering at the other scars on it and murmuring empty words of comfort that made no sense to Subaru. He didn't want to forget Seishiro-san. He didn't see how he could find comfort in that idea. What would make his life worth living if he couldn't be with Seishiro-san? What was making his life worth living since he couldn't be with Seishiro-san?

'They' didn't understand. 'They' claimed he was one of them, a Ten no Ryu, but he really didn't care. All he had to protect in the world, all he wanted to protect in the world, was Seishiro-san and he couldn't be with him and if he couldn't be with him his life made no sense.

That girl who looked like him, Sumeragi Hokuto-san was her name, didn't understand either. She claimed to be his sister, confirming what Kuzuki-san had told him. Despite her words, despite Kuzuki-san's words, despite the sense of affinity he felt with her, he didn't remember her, yet she insisted on claiming that odd 'ownership' on him. He didn't understand what she could want from him, an useless broken creature. He didn't understand why she wanted to keep him apart from Seishiro-san, why she kept saying he would be better now that he was away from him. He'd been happy while he was with Seishiro-san. He didn't think he would be anymore.

He wanted Seishiro-san, he needed Seishiro-san and yet he knew better than to try to return to him. He didn't want to see hate and disgust in the man's eyes. He couldn't bear to see hate and disgust in the man's eyes.

He couldn't stay there either, with these people that kept saying he was one of them when he didn't feel one of them at all. His family had always been and would always be Seishiro-san, and Seishiro-san might track him down while he was here and... and tell him what he though of him and Subaru... Subaru couldn't bear the idea.

He had to leave this place, this trap, this prison. He didn't know that Clamp Gakuen was shielded in such a way that no Jushi could make his spells work in it from outside. He only knew he had to leave.

'They' thought he couldn't make it. 'They' thought the wards Sumeragi-san placed around his room were enough to keep other people out and him in. 'They' underestimated him. Those wards were mere child's play even now, in his confused state.(5) All he had to do was to wait for them to be out of the house. All he had to do was to wait to be alone. All he had to do was to murmur some words, open the window and then jump out. All he had to do was run, run and never look back. All he had to do...

He knew how to do all he had to do. He knew it and so he did it, and found himself physically free. Too bad it wasn't that easy to escape from the prison in his mind...

To be continued...

JJ's Notes:

1. I suppose CLAMP Gakuen can work also as a shield to hide Subaru from Seishiro's power.

2. In 'X' manga version Kanoe can't actually see the future in her dreams, merely spy her sister's one about it. She can however move from a dreamscape to the other so she could get into Subaru's dream. As for why Satsuki's Beast can't discover Subaru in CLAMP Gakuen... Imonoyama Nokoru is supposed to be a computer genius. I supposed that his ability matched Satsuki's so she can't pass through his defences as he can't pass through hers (actually in 'X' is never said who's better between the two and it's possible that, should the two compete, Satsuki would win since she's loved by computers, but for this fic's purpose I'll keep them even...). As for Kakyou... he wants to die so should Seishiro threaten to murder him... well that would only encourage Kakyou to keep his mouth shut...

3. Kamui has no sense of moral. For him the only thing that matters are Wishes. He can't see nothing wrong doing something that fulfil a Wish.

4. I assume that the Kekkai destroyed by the Chi no Ryu were more than the ones showed in the manga. So far Seishiro is just destroying those 'unknown' Kekkai.

5. Subaru is a great Onmyouji, way better than Hokuto so her ability can't compete with his.

JJ's Extra Notes:
Yes, Seishiro is in full denial and somehow very vulnerable. He had Subaru at his side for 16 years. Subaru was part of his life, one he had never supposed to lose. Only now that he had he's realizing Subaru's importance in his world...
Subaru is not gone within but he's seriously traumatized and very confused.
As for the Sumeragi... they aren't being deliberately cruel. Subaru's been shamed and Seppukku is usually how traditional families deal with it. Since Subaru doesn't seem in the mental conditions to perform it Hokuto fears they would do it for him.
Hokuto has no idea it wasn't Seishiro the one who abused Subaru. After what the man told her in their last meeting she's sure he'd been the one doing it. Since Subaru isn't talking he can't clear the mess.

Dictionary:
-chan: Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child
-kun: Young
-san: "Mr." or "Mrs."
Chi no Ryu: Dragon of Earth
Gakuen: Campus
Ichimon: "Family" or "Household" or "Clan"
Jushi: Magic User
Kekkai: Shield
Maboroshi: Illusion
Onmyoudo: "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based upon the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature
Onmyoujutsu: "Art of Yin and Yang". The ability to use Onmyoudo spells
Sakurazukamori: "Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound". The assassin who uses Onmyoujutsu to kill who threatens Japan
Seppuku: "Stomach Cutting". Ritual suicide by disembowelment.
Sumeragi no Chou: Sumeragi's Head
Ten no Ryu: Dragon of Heaven
YumeMi: "Dreamgazer". Who can see the future in dreams

Replies to reviews:

To Everyone who reviewed: Thank you! You're a great encouragement for me!

To penguinie: Who didn't prefer Subaru and Seishiro being together? They're just... perfect for each other! I wanted Kakyou and Hokuto have some space as well because... well, they're unlucky lovers as well in the original storyline and they'll be very important in future developments...

To Dark Angel Of Fire Ice: I'm glad you liked the past chapter. I hope you will like this one too.

To Momo: Don't worry. Seishiro and Subaru will be back together soon. They can't really stay parted for long...

To ryuu: Subaru and Seishiro are back in this chapter as you can see! The fic is mostly about them so you don't have to worry too much about their absence... however sometimes other characters will request some space for plot reasons...

Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!
Send me your comments!