I threw together this little extra chapter for those who enjoyed the first & wanted a little more. So here you have it- Shepard's response to Joker's Guide!

I haven't gone into what happened when Shepard confronted Joker on the bridge. We all have a pretty good idea of Shep's relationship with her pilot. Eh he he.

The strange looking holo-interfaced terminal Shepard had insisted Javik keep in his quarters for communication purposes beeped loudly, indicating the arrival of a new message. Such a joke, the Prothean thought to himself, slowly shaking droplets of water from his hands and moving towards the terminal. Communication in this cycle is so primitive.

From: A. S. Shepard

RE: I see everything

Shepard's Guide to restraining yourself from breaking every bone in Joker's body

A must-have guide for any crew member blessed with a position that requires interactions with our illustrious pilot on a daily basis.

Let me just begin by stating that contrary to the entire crew's belief, our pilot's Vrolik's Syndrome is not as severe as he would lead you to believe. Sure, he can barely stand for minutes at a time and requires a hidden urinal bottle in the bridge should he need to relieve himself (note: despite what Joker says, do not be fooled- the liquid contained within this bottle is NOT beer), but set his SR2 cap on fire, and I'd bet he'd be able to run a decent distance (we may actually test this). Not only did he receive extensive experimental treatment during our legendary sojourn with Cerberus, thus allowing him to hobble around with a crutch instead of zooming around in a wheelchair, but he also has his own pill-dispenser and medication reminder aboard the SR2, our talented Doctor Chakwas. (She lives in the med bay, go say hello sometime.) You'll often see her strolling to the bridge to force feed pills into Joker's mouth. I'm sure you'll find that should he require a jab to the gut in retaliation for a smart-ass or inappropriate comment (try not to be too hard, despite his bragging, he really is the best pilot in the Alliance fleet), he is quite able to take it.

I can almost hear you ask- "What is Vrolik's Syndrome? We had no such medical conditions in the Empire." Let me enlighten you, as being Joker's commanding officer for the past three services has given me good insight into how to manage a crew member with bones that could snap if he so much as sneezes too hard. Vrolik's, also known as brittle bone disease, is a genetic condition adequately managed by modern medicine, where bones are underdeveloped from gestation in the womb and can fracture or break from the slightest amount of force. It took me many weeks to condition myself to stop slapping Joker's shoulder comrade-style when he happens to pilot us out of a difficult situation. Given Joker's personality and line of work you can imagine he's received a number of fractures or breaks, whether it be from pissing off fellow crew members with little self-control (we had a baby Krogan on board at the time), to crash landing the Normandy on alien ships that resemble an enormous slab of faeces.

Do not be alarmed if you see Joker crawling around the Normandy on his knees. Such acts may have been punishable by the empire, but here aboard the Normandy it seems to float EDI's boat. ("Why would he want to float EDI's boat?" I hear you ask. "Her platform obviously comes equipped with flotation devices." It's an old Earth saying that basically means "Whatever makes you happy." Seems like EDI's "flotation devices" floats the boat of many of the crew members aboard the ship. Each to their own I guess.)

Please do not be offended if you pass Joker in the mess hall and he begins to do some crude version of bouncing and babbling. He is not imitating you. He believes he's imitating Liara. This behaviour is something he began doing upon your arrival on the Normandy, and rather than tell him truthfully that he looks like an imbecile, everyone aboard the ship could do with a laugh thanks to this war, so we tend to let him bounce for our entertainment.

The best advice I can give you to help refrain yourself from curling your fingers/talons/tentacles/probes (we get it all on the Normandy) around our pilot's throat is something I overheard Engineer Adams remarking to Doctor Chakwas in the mess hall last week. "When he pisses me off I just picture him naked. In a field full of fuzzy bunnies and llamas, vine leaves covering his manly-bits. Seeing him looking so vulnerable, I just can't bring myself to break his bones."

Alternatively, you could always just not go on the bridge. I find this method very effective.

Despite everything I've said, I will be the first to admit that Joker is an invaluable member of the Normandy crew, an amazing pilot, and although we may all take the piss out of each other, he has been a very good friend to me when I needed one. Please try not to take his Guide about me seriously. I value my crew members, and your health and well-being are always of utmost importance to me. Also, please do not draw on Tali's mask. She has a shotgun. The kitchen does not resemble Tuchanka when I'm cooking in there, and contrary to Joker's belief, I cannot be bribed with Major Alenko's socks, as it seems that years of technological developments are yet to address the male quality that is foot odor.

Please, remember that the door to my cabin is always open if you have any questions. Unless of course it's locked.

Javik exited the email and slowly closed his four eyes, resting his forehead against the cool surface of the metal desk. I still have so much to learn about this cycle, he thought to himself with a sigh. Straightening back up, he moved to open an Extranet search window on the terminal.

Extranet search: "fuzzy bunnies" "llamas" "beer"