I stare… I do nothing but stare. This sheet of paper in my hands confuse me more than anything else in the world.

I'm trying to make sense of it all, though I'm failing miserably. Those words 'Kyle Broflovski is my life'… they form such a simple sentence, yet they puzzle me more than anything.

I'm tempted to go back inside, to consult Cartman and get the answers I need.

… But I can't. My mind is whirling. Even if Cartman did want to explain, I wouldn't be able to comprehend a single word he'd say.

I doubt he'd want to explain anything to me anyway. No matter how many times I'd ask, he wouldn't give in. He's somewhat patient in that sense, yet at the same time he's not. He gets impatient and irritated if someone keeps pestering him to say or do something he doesn't want to do. Then he loses his temper and all hell breaks loose.

After another couple of minutes of standing out in the cold, I decide to finally move. I can't take this much longer. My head is spinning and I need to rest it before I faint.

Without a second's hesitation, I clutch the sheet of paper to my chest, cradling it, and run. I run out of the garden and away from the Cartman household, both eager to leave, eager to stay. My mind is too messed up to think about which I want more, not that I have a choice now. I'm not coming back.

I reach my house in just over five minutes, never decreasing my speed or stopping to rest. My heart is thumping wildly in my chest and I'm gasping for air, panting heavily.

Once I get my breath back, I knock on the door, not wanting my Mom to ask questions.

Ike opens the door and cocks an eyebrow at me, looking suspicious.

"Where have you been, Kyle?" he asks, sounding just like our mom. "I saw you leaving school early today. With Cartman, I might add."

I stare at him, trying to appear calm though I'm tensing up inside. I was sure no one had seen us. How did he…?

Well, I suppose it is Ike. He's just… like that. He knows things he shouldn't, yet I still don't know how. I don't care too much about how he knows though. I'm more worried about…

"Don't worry, I'm not going to tell Mom," he says, as if reading my mind.

I breathe a sigh of relief, all my tension gradually fading away to nothing.

"Thanks, little brother," I say, shooting him a grateful smile.

He shrugs it off and steps aside to let me in. "You know, you still didn't answer my question," he says, closing the door behind me. "Where did you go?"

I shrug, trying to act as if it's no big deal. "Just hung around the town. Didn't do much."

"Why were you with Cartman?" he asks, eying me curiously. "I thought you hated him."

"I do!" I cry, without thinking. "I just… I…"

I trail off, having no clue what to say. My mind is still pretty messed up. I'm not in a great thinking mood.

Thankfully, Ike doesn't push me for an answer. He drops it completely and moves into the kitchen, leaving me standing in the hallway, confused.

I shrug and then slowly drag myself upstairs, still cradling the sheet of paper to my chest, as if it will leave me if I don't hold it close.

I'm surprised Ike didn't ask me anything about it. Surely he'd be curious to know what it is and why I'm practically clinging to it. Maybe he didn't want to pry too much. Maybe he cares about my privacy.

Or maybe he noticed I'm not exactly thinking straight and so he's saving the question for later.

Or maybe he thinks it's just a stupid school thing and I'm minding it.

The last seems the most likely, considering it's me.

I finally reach the top of the stairs and head into my bedroom, closing the door behind me before collapsing onto my bed, staring up at the ceiling while my brain fries slowly inside my head.

I breathe out a deep sigh, wanting to be able to understand. My life is a jumbled mess right now, with school, with friends, with Cartman. All I want is to be able to fix it, to have my old life back, where everything was pretty awesome.

I want to go back to my childhood years, to when I was about nine. Though I thought my life even sucked back then, I now know I was wrong. Sure, life was a bit crazy and over the top (huge understatement) but I'd much rather deal with talking poo and a big Mecha Streisand any day than what I have to deal with now.

South Park was, and always will be, a crazy town but life wasn't so bad as a kid. I still had fun and I had less worries. I had no stupid feelings or thoughts to ruin my day.

I had the most amazing friends who never judged me and I hated Eric Cartman with such a passion that liking him was a complete impossibility.

Then, somehow, that all changed. High School came and everyone started believing things other people said, even if they were your best friends. Everyone began drifting apart.

I fell in love with the person I least wanted to fall for, the boy I thought I'd despise for an eternity. Then the relationship between us grew to a warm friendship, though there were still ups and downs.

Then I found a picture drawn by that 'friend' saying that I am his… life.

And now I'm confused. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to do or what to believe. For all I know, this could be a trick, just to hurt me. It seems like the most likely solution.

Cartman could possibly have realised my feelings for him; he's pretty good at reading people. Then he could use this vital piece of knowledge as a way to hurt me and to break me apart.

Maybe he knew I'd find his art project. Maybe that's why it was clearly sticking out of his bin. He knew that I'd think he loves me and I'd give him my heart, just so he can break it into a million pieces along the line.

I'm not going to let that happen though, because even if I know his plan before it happens, it'll still hurt me to hear him say whatever words he thinks up to hurt me. I will snap, despite knowing beforehand, and I won't be able to handle it.

I can barely handle it right now. I feel as if both my head and heart are ready to explode. I need to rest… I don't want to think any more for the rest of the night.

One final thing that I'm sure of though, before I sleep, is that I can't be near Cartman anymore. He's planning to break me and I can't let that happen, for my own sake.

For at least a chance to prevent him from breaking me, I need to avoid him for as long as possible. I don't want to see his face again. I don't need this. I deserve more.

I know this has failed before but this time, it's different. This time, I know just how much of an evil asshole he really is. He's planning something terrible and I need to stay away from him. I may not like it. I may have experienced his absence before and not been able to handle it. But I need to this time. I'll stay strong because I know that if I don't, he'll ruin me.

Cartman may pretend that I am his life, but to me, he truly is my life, and he shouldn't be. I shouldn't be so in love with him. I can do so much better.

And maybe, with time, if I can stay clear of Cartman, my love for him will fade and I'll fall for someone else, someone more deserving of my love.

With time… Time is all I need. Let's just hope I have it before Cartman finds the perfect chance to get me and destroy me, until there's absolutely nothing left but a lifeless body, an empty soul and a broken heart…

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/