Title: "Careful With What You Wish" - Chap 24: If That's What It Takes
Author: J.J.
Warning: It's an AU BASED ON THE MANGA. It requires knowledge of the 'X' manga. It contains some Japanese words (the Dictionary is at the bottom), some OOC, a bit of sappiness, twisted relationships, suicide attempts, mentions of abuse, violence, general insanity and other stuffs I might have forgot... Deal with this fic with caution...
Notes: This is dark and twisted, dark and twisted, dark and twisted... have I mentioned it's dark and twisted? It's born to show a less nice Seishiro, how bad is Fuma's idea that Wishes must be fulfilled and how stubborn can be Subaru no matter what happened to him.
Warning over notes: This fic has notes. You will find them at the bottom. Each time you see a number between brackets it means there's a note connected to the word/sentence that preceded it. However I suggest you to read the notes AFTER you finished the fic unless the word/sentence connected to the note is really troublesome for you to understand. Anyway the fic should be still understandable without the notes. Notes are merely extra explanations for who wants to know more.
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo Babylon" and "X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...
Ehy, Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensible heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews... so please be honest but nice ok?
Thanks:
To Jennifer for betaing this! Thank you a lot!
To Moko, Tanuki-dono, Meffie, Sakanagi and Yupita for supporting me while writing this fic! Thank you a lot!
Summary: After meeting Subaru in his Maboroshi 16 years ago Seishiro chose to keep him and placed him under a spell so that he would obey to him. Now, in the year of the destiny he has to face Sumeragi Hokuto who wants her brother back and Monou Fuma's obsession for fulfilling wishes...

'We should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.' Andy Rooney

"You can sleep in my arms, you don't have to explain
When your heart's crying out, baby, whisper my name
'Cause I've reached out for you when the thunder is crashing up above
You've given me your love
When your smile like the sun that shines through the pain
That's why I'll be there

When the storm rises up, when the shadows descend
Ev'ry beat of my heart, ev'ry day without end
I will stand like a rock, I will bend till I break
Till there's no more to give, if that's what it takes
I will risk everything, I will fight, I will bleed
I will lay down my life, if that's what you need
Ev'ry second I live, that's the promise I make
Baby, that's what I'll give, if that's what it takes"
(Celine Dion - "If That's What It Takes")

Warm sunlight was filtering through the window and filling the room slowly waking Seishiro from the best sleep he had had since... since... he didn't quite want to think of that, he decided, burying himself under the covers as he tried to return to sleep and... His whole body tensed as he realized this wasn't his bed. He was in an unfamiliar place and...

His muscles relaxed again as he noticed whom he was holding tightly against himself.

Subaru-kun.

Subaru-kun slept curled in his arms, looking as adorable as a kitten. Subaru-kun. His Subaru-kun was with him. Subaru-kun. He wasn't alone anymore. Not alone... Not alone...

He snuggled contentedly against the boy, who moaned deliciously and, as expected, tried to move closer to Seishiro, seeking his presence even as he slept.

Not alone, not alone... So good not to be alone... Not alone... Not alone for how long? The question caught him by surprise, and he stilled, frowning slightly as he looked at Subaru-kun. Not alone for how long? How long would Subaru-kun be willing to stay with him now that the spell was gone? How long? The boy had seemed so willing to stay with him the previous day, but... but...

He raised himself a bit to observe better the sleeping boy. Subaru-kun was curled next to him as if nothing had happened, as if he had never left, as if nothing had changed, as if his absence had been only a bad dream, but Seishiro knew it had happened and didn't want to go through it a second time. No, never again would Subaru-kun be allowed to leave him. The idea of losing Subaru-kun again was a threat he didn't want to face. He... he didn't want to lose him again, he couldn't bear the idea of losing him again, he should put Subaru-kun back under a spell, or... or... or he could kill him, kill him so no one else could have him... so he would be his and his only again... but then he would never, never see those green eyes looking at him again... never... and... and...

Seishiro's thoughts descended into frantic confusion, quieting down only when Subaru-kun stirred in his sleep, unconsciously reaching for Seishiro again in that adorable manner of his, his hands clinging Seishiro's shirt in an almost needy manner.

Seishiro stared at him then sighed.

He couldn't do it. He couldn't kill the boy. He just... couldn't bear the idea of seeing him stilled forever. He couldn't put him under a spell either. Now that Subaru-kun was older and his will stronger it just wouldn't work, he knew.

He would have to work with what he had then. The day before Subaru-kun had said he didn't want to let go of him, so maybe... maybe he could still find a way to keep the boy, to bind him so close, so tightly to himself, that Subaru-kun would never be able to leave him.

He returned to hug Subaru-kun tightly, pressing him against himself. He couldn't lose him. He just couldn't.

Subaru-kun stirred again then froze for a second.

"Seishiro-san?" he called in a weak, whimpering tone that seemed to belong more to a child than to a man of twenty-five.

"I'm here," he replied caressing Subaru-kun's hair and then kissing the top of the boy's head.

He felt Subaru-kun relax in his arms as the boy snuggled closer.

"You're here," Subaru-kun repeated. For five full minutes that was the only topic they were willing to talk about. Them being here. Together.

Then Seishiro considered it might not be bad if they had breakfast. He couldn't remember the last time he ate and Subaru-kun seemed in even worse shape than him. The boy was too pale, thin and weak for it to be normal.

"I'm not hungry," Subaru-kun stated when Seishiro suggested getting up and going to eat something. Seishiro fought down the urge to roll his eyes and smiled instead.

"Why am I not surprised?" he asked in a fond tone. Spell or not, it had always been troublesome to get the boy to eat. However, he was... happy somehow. The loss of the spell and the forced separation from Seishiro hadn't really changed the boy that much and that was good.(1)

Subaru-kun didn't answer him though, his gaze downcast but his expression determined. Before it wouldn't have been a problem to impose his wishes over Subaru-kun's own, but now...

"Subaru-kun... you have to eat something..." he insisted in a gentle, yet wary tone, not quite sure how Subaru-kun would react to it. He didn't want to argue... right then. They could do that later. Maybe. When Seishiro was surer about his position in the boy's life. Not right then.

"I am not hungry," Subaru-kun repeated even more firmly, then looked up at him. There wasn't a real challenge in that gaze just... the will to see what Seishiro would do. Seishiro guessed it was logical for Subaru-kun also to wish to know the limits of their relationship after what had happened. Subaru-kun was only trying to understand how things were between them now. Only... Seishiro was flying blind and had no idea what to do with the boy. Before it hadn't mattered if he occasionally gave in to Subaru-kun's wishes because he knew that, if he really wanted to, he could impose his own; now... Now everything needed to be redefined.

"You're not hungry," he acknowledged. Subaru-kun nodded, looking at him expectantly. Evidently he wanted him to do something but what? Show concern? Get angry? Ignore his will? Give in? What was he supposed to do? Which was the right answer? It had been so much simpler when there weren't any wrong answers... when no matter what he did Subaru-kun would stay with him anyway... He was confused and he didn't like that. Not at all. He wasn't supposed to be confused over Subaru-kun's behaviour. He wrapped his arms tightly around the boy and rested his cheek against Subaru-kun's head. "Subaru-kun, have I lost you?" he asked quietly. Subaru-kun didn't reply but made no attempt to escape, his arms wrapped around Seishiro in an equally tight manner.

"Is she... my sister? Sumeragi-san. Is she really my sister?" the boy asked in reply. Unconsciously, Seishiro tightened his hold around him. What was he supposed to say? He wasn't sure he knew how to deal with this Subaru-kun. Where was his own Subaru-kun, the boy who would obey his every whim?

"Has she told you so?" he asked, staring intently at him, trying to judge his reaction. Subaru-kun's expression, however, didn't change. It remained a mix of tiredness and confusion.

"Everyone has told me so. Everyone but you," he answered. There was no blame in Subaru-kun's words. He was merely reporting a fact and there was something in his tone that seemed to imply that, should Seishiro deny it, he would believe him, or try to, despite Hokuto-chan's obvious physical resemblance to him and everyone else saying the contrary.

"Yes, she's your sister. Twin older sister," he replied honestly. After all, what would be the point in trying to hide it? But why was Subaru-kun asking him this? Why did he seem to need him to confirm this?

"I don't remember her," the boy admitted turning his eyes away from Seishiro, almost curling in on himself more. "I know I knew her but... I don't remember her. I can't remember her..." There was a pained note as he said so, as if Subaru-kun had tried to but had only met failure. Seishiro didn't particularly want Subaru-kun to remember but...

"Do you want to?" he asked anyway. It was curious how Subaru-kun had had no problems removing the binding spell but was finding it hard to remove the memory blocking one. The memory ones should have been the easier to break, but for Subaru-kun the contrary seemed true. Maybe it was merely because those memories were old. Even without a memory spell people tended to forget old childhood memories.

"No..." Subaru-kun's voice sounded raw, as if the mere idea was painful. "I don't want to. She won't be what I would remember, and I'm not what she remembers, and... I don't want to remember... I don't..." the boy repeated, clinging to Seishiro and curling up more as if trying to hide against him. Fear. That was fear. That was why Subaru-kun couldn't overcome the memory spell. He was scared to. He didn't want to. But what exactly did Subaru-kun fear? Was he scared to remember a past he couldn't have back? To have changed too much to fit in it? Or merely to not be able to accept what had been done to him if he remembered? Seishiro had no idea. He needed to know this new Subaru-kun, to figure him out before knowing what he could do next with him.

"Okay, Subaru-kun," Seishiro agreed in the end. "Just let me know if you change your mind."

"Why?" the boy asked in confusion, raising his head to look at him again.

"Because it's easier if I remove the spell than if you try to do it. Safer as well," he explained rationally. He didn't want the spell to be removed, but, should Subaru-kun wish it to be gone he wouldn't have trouble removing it on his own. However... the consequences of removing a spell that had been performed on him... those might be dangerous. There would be no way to deflect the Sakanagi and, anyway, a person's memory wasn't a thing one should play with. Not that Seishiro normally cared, but it was one thing for Subaru-kun to forget his sister and another entirely to forget him.

"Would you do it?" the boy asked him, blinking. Again no bitterness, no taunt. Just... curiosity. Was Subaru-kun studying him as well? Trying to figure out what Seishiro would allow him to do and what he would not?

"Yes, Subaru-kun, I would do it," he confirmed. Silence fell. Then...

"If she's my sister... do I have to live with her? Do I have to go back to the Sumeragi Ichimon?" the boy asked anxiously and this was a question Seishiro didn't like in the slightest. He didn't want Subaru-kun to leave him. At all. He wouldn't let Subaru-kun leave him. But... He knew Subaru-kun should go back to his family. He knew Subaru-kun might wish to do so. And... if Subaru-kun wished to leave him... could he stop him? Wouldn't he lose him just the same should he try to force him to stay now that there wasn't a spell to chain Subaru-kun to him anymore?

"Is that what you want?" he asked a bit coldly, trying to come up with ways to chain the boy to him that wouldn't change things between them.

'Do you? Subaru-kun, do you really want to go back to them and leave me here, alone? Do you? After you promised you would never leave me?' his mind was protesting in the meantime, but he refused to say that out loud.

"I..." Subaru-kun began hesitantly, sounding troubled and confuse. "No, I... All I want... is to stay with you... but beyond that... it's all confused... and I don't understand... and it hurt... and my head hurt... and I hate here... and... and I don't want to leave you... and I don't want to go back to my family... and I don't know what I want anymore... I just... don't understand... and I don't know what to do and... Seishiro-san... don't send me away... don't leave me in their hands..." Subaru-kun whimpered, his voice muffled as he clung Seishiro, and Seishiro suspected the boy was crying, but Subaru-kun had said he wanted to stay with him and right then it was all that mattered to Seishiro. Nothing was wrong if Subaru-kun wanted to be with him.

"Then you'll stay with me. There's no need to cry. I won't allow anyone to harm you or to take you away," he stated as if that would solve everything, nuzzling against him slightly. Subaru-kun was so very cute when he was so clingy...

"But I don't know what to do!" the boy complained, frustrated. "Everything hurts and I just don't know what to do! I..." Seishiro kissed Subaru-kun's forehead and that seemed to calm the boy, but, after all, he'd been raised with the belief that one of Seishiro's kisses could really take the pain away... or something close to it.

"Me neither. We make a pair," he said cheerfully, trying to brighten the boy's mood. It really didn't work. Subaru-kun always had this bad habit of worrying too much... "We'll figure out something, Subaru-kun, don't worry," he murmured softly in a fond tone. Now that he knew Subaru-kun would stay with him he really couldn't see any trouble on their way... no matter the world might be about to end and everything else.

"We always made a pair," Subaru-kun said quietly, nuzzling against him as if searching for reassurance in his presence. "Right from the beginning. We always have been."

"Maybe so," Seishiro agreed, not really sure what Subaru-kun meant. Not that it mattered. Besides, now it was definitely breakfast time. "Let's get up, Subaru-kun. I'll prepare you your favourite breakfast. You can't think with an empty stomach," he tried again in a more enthusiastic, tempting tone. He was hungry. And Subaru-kun needed to eat. He had the sneaking suspicion the boy hadn't touched food since the last time he had seen him and that wouldn't do at all. Subaru-kun hesitated a little before answering.

"I... I can't eat... I... I'll throw up everything if I do... I..." he stammered nervously, lowering his gaze again.

"Subaru-kun..." Seishiro began patiently. The boy had no reason to worry. He would take care of him and... and Subaru-kun wasn't listening to him anymore. He had his hands over his ears as if to block out sounds and his eyes were wide and unfocused. Seishiro could only stare at him as the boy stammered in an almost incoherent manner.

"'He'... 'he' ate an apple after... 'he'... I keep seeing 'him' and 'he'... 'he' is saying... I... 'him'... no, I don't want to... Seishiro-san..." he whimpered.(2)

"Subaru-kun!" Seishiro called for the third time, shaking the boy a bit more roughly that he had intended, pulling Subaru-kun out of those memories. The boy turned to look at him, eyes filled with pain, distress and unhappiness but focused again as if what was tormenting him had been pushed back in a dark corner of his mind again. Seishiro wasn't sure that was good. It was like unresolved business between them. He didn't want it stored away, he wanted it away entirely. "Subaru-kun. He won't ever be able to lift a finger to you. Ever. I promise," he assured. Subaru-kun looked at him but rather than reassured he seemed simply tired. Too tired.

"I... 'he'..." the boy tried to explain but apparently couldn't put in words what he was feeling. "Seishiro-san, don't leave me..." he begged in a pitiful whimpering tone.

"Never," Seishiro stated, holding him close and stroking his hair fondly. "I'll never leave you, Subaru-kun. Never. You've nothing to fear."

"But 'he' said... 'he' said you won't keep me after..."

"He lied. He knows nothing about us. He lied, Subaru-kun," Seishiro said in a firm tone. Subaru-kun just buried his face against him and snuggled closer as he used to do when he was a child and scared. Cute. "Silly, I'll never let go of you, Subaru-kun, never," he told him in a fond tone. "That's why you left? Because he said I didn't want you and you were scared it could be true?" he asked gently. A tiny nod was all he got in reply. Seishiro kissed the boy's forehead fondly. "He lied, Subaru-kun, he lied. I always want you. I'll always want you. I'll never send you away. I'd been..." he paused, sighed, then continued. "I'd been afraid you didn't want to be with me," he admitted. Subaru-kun blinked at that.

"Why? I told you I wanted to stay with you," he asked.

"You told me before," Seishiro said slowly. Before, before that mess started and before everything Subaru-kun had said didn't matter to Seishiro. Before Subaru-kun had no choice and therefore his words weren't to be taken too seriously. But now... "Why should you want to stay now?" Seishiro asked him. It was something he didn't grasp, something maybe he would never grasp. He wanted Subaru-kun to wish to be with him, but he couldn't figure out why the boy should do it without a spell keeping him bound to Seishiro.

"I told you that day also. When we met. I still don't remember much now but I remember more... I told you I would stay... I meant it. I... I don't remember much of before but I know... We were a pair back then too. You were lonely, I was lonely... And... And I've been happy with you... no 'happy' is not the right word I... I 'belonged' with you... I was... it was my place... I wasn't in my place before... Maybe happier... but sadder also... and I was wrong and it was wrong and it was never right and I was so lonely... Always lonely even with lot of people around... but you didn't let me feel lonely... I belonged... and it was good... and it's good... and it'll be good forever... if you don't leave... don't leave Seishiro-san... don't leave me..." Subaru-kun asked in an anxious tone. He was trying to explain himself but he had never been good with words and, in his state, it was simply too complicated and he was just too tired and stressed to make sense.

"I won't," Seishiro countered calmly in the tone one would use to say an absolute truth. "I promise. I won't. You promised you would stay with me and I promise I'll stay with you. We won't be alone, ever again." Subaru-kun curled against him and Seishiro cuddled him for a while, repeating over and over he would never let go of him until Subaru-kun seemed to have grasped the concept.

Shortly after it was amazingly easy to coax Subaru-kun to get out of the bed and follow Seishiro to the kitchen to have breakfast.

To be continued...

JJ's Notes:

1. In 'Tokyo Babylon' Hokuto said that, without her, Subaru would forget to eat. I assumed this also implied Subaru isn't the hungry type.

2. The mind can connect traumatic experiences to the most innocent things... in this case, seeing Kamui eating after what he had done to him, ended up connecting the idea of eating to something bad in poor Subaru's mind.

JJ's Extra Notes:
Yes, Subaru's clingy. Skipping the fact he's traumatized and that he was by nature a timid and shy boy, for fourteen years Seishiro had been his whole world. Also, before, he had faced the outside world with his feelings numbed by Seishiro's spell. Right now he just isn't ready for the world. Plus he's facing also other issues...
As for Hokuto and his family... well he sees them mostly as strangers and he's afraid to fail their expectations.
Due to the bizarre environment in which he had grown a side of him is still a child of nine that met Seishiro in his Maboroshi...

Dictionary:
-chan: Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child
-kun: Young
-san: "Mr." or "Mrs."
Ichimon: "Family" or "Household" or "Clan"
Maboroshi: Illusion
Sakanagi: "Reverse effect". Backlash of a spell

Replies to reviews:

To Everyone who reviewed: Thank you! You're a great encouragement for me!

To Gray Wings: (blush) Thank you! But to be honest I wish I could be even faster... I hope we'll see an update from you soon!

To Kara Marie: Oh, the boys will end up on a bridge for sure! I'll let you wonder how things will go! Actually I've been writing this while checking the manga, to make sure scenes would match... and I'm happy to hear you saying I mnage to make it flow smoothly... I've been afraid to make it a bit... jumpy since it's mostly focalized on S&S...

To Dark Angel Of Fire Ice: I wanted people to know how the boys ended up together and so... a flashback was required... especially because it'll turn of some relevance in the future...

To Sessho: Next part is here... even if there's not lot of action in it. For a while things will be quiet... I'm happy to hear you enjoied the flashback!

To Hatori Soma: (blush) Yes, sadly there are still many chapters to go...

To whitesakura-rain: LOL I'll update, I'll update! Which problems did you have with the first chapters? Maybe I can fix them...

To yamikagewriter: Here's more!

To rain angst: I'm glad you do!

To krol yuki: Subaru's the most adorable thing in the world! And don't worry for the English. I'm not English myself!

To nachan: Happy to hear you like it. Here's the new chap!

To Crazzy: Thank you!

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