Title: "Game Over Or Continue - Prologue"
Author: J.J.
Warning: It's an AU BASED ON THE MANGA, it probably contains some OOCness and a bit of sappiness, uses Japanese words (the dictionary is at the bottom) and includes some spoilers...
Notes: Based on the idea that there can't be a heaven in Earth but that being with your loved one helps a lot...
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo Babylon" and "X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?
Thanks: To Ruth for betaing this! Thank you a lot!
Summary:Poor, mentally unstable Subaru is convinced he's finally been killed off on Judgement Day, when he wakes up again in a hospital and discovers things went radically different from how he remembers them... And when he starts getting used to this new reality weird things start to happen that make him wonder whether it's really him who's having distorted memories or if there's something behind all this...

He was dying and he knew it.

There had been an odd moment when his physical pain had become so agonizing it had resembled a tidal wave, crashing onto him and destroying everything, even the perception of his inner pain, an inner pain that had accompanied him for so long it had almost seemed a constant in his life, then... then the wave had started to retreat, leaving nothing standing behind.

With the slow retreat of the wave had come the numbness, a merciful numbness spreading through his limbs and his soul, like a virus, like a disease, leaving him powerless, like a doll whose threads had been cut.

They had been cut long ago, in a fashion, and it was time that his body realized it as well and quit trying to go on.

The numbness felt like a blessing, a gift so precious, one for which he had never dared to hope. Numbness from a pain that was gnawing at him from the inside out, numbness for a pain that never left him, that was driving him insane... if it hadn't already. Numbness. Blessed numbness.

He felt a vague glimpse of guilt. If he died here Seishiro-san's eye would die as well. The last living part of Seishiro-san, all that remained of the man he had loved so desperately would be lost, but the largest part of him was too far gone to care at that point.(1) His soul had been dead for a long time and was rotting inside his body, his mind had started to disconnect itself from the world a little more each day and even is his stubborn body was finally, finally, starting to suffer for it, showing evident signs of neglect and lack of care. It too wouldn't have lasted much longer, its rotting content slowly corroding it as well.

Killing him, letting him die and face oblivion was an act of mercy and Subaru knew it.

He hadn't meant to die, he hadn't meant for it to happen, he hadn't planned to be used by the Chi no Ryu's Kamui as a way to explain to the Ten no Ryu one why one shouldn't kill people, not even the ones that wanted to die, but it was happening and he had no complains to offer.(2) He knew that he couldn't, shouldn't wish for death... but he couldn't bring himself to wish for life either.

He couldn't think of the people he would leave behind, people who would say they cared for him but who couldn't give him any reason to live anymore. He cared for them as well but... they just weren't enough to anchor him to life anymore.

To care for someone didn't necessary mean being willing to devote your life to this someone, should he have to.

He had seen countless people that in the moment of need had completely abandoned the people they cared for because... because they had better things to do, more important things to do. It wasn't that they didn't care for the ones they were abandoning, that they didn't want them to live, it was just... that they had better things to do, things that were simply... more important. He hadn't been able to understand it when he had been a teenager, he hadn't understood how a person could abandon another human being, but now he did. He couldn't be roused from his depression and so he wasn't worth the effort of being kept alive. He had to abandon them and they had to abandon him. Forget and be forgotten. That was his destiny.

He didn't mind.

Maybe, once dead, he would see Seishiro-san and Hokuto-chan again.

Or maybe he would end up being reincarnated and everything would start again. If there was a way to start again after the world had been destroyed...

Or maybe he would end up in hell. He deserved it; he had killed Seishiro-san and had caused Hokuto-chan's death...

Or maybe he wouldn't be able to get so far... and would remain chained to the place where he was, the ghost of the long dead spirit of an Onmyouji unable to move over until another Onmyouji would exorcise him.

But the truth was that Subaru didn't care what was going to happen to him.

After what had happened to Seishiro-san he couldn't sleep, he couldn't eat, he couldn't drink, he couldn't live... he had tried to go on, tried merely for Seishiro-san's eye's sake, but he knew he was failing. Failing at living, failing Seishiro-san's eye, failing at keeping Seishiro-san's eye alive. Failing, always failing.

He had devoted his life to Seishiro-san long ago, so long ago, without even being aware of it and now he couldn't find someone else he wanted to live for, he couldn't change the feelings in his heart as easily as people changed shirts and Seishiro-san's eye was just too small a part of the man to be enough for him. He needed the whole. He needed... Seishiro-san.

His life had belonged to Seishiro-san, and Seishiro-san only, not to himself, not to anyone else. Now that the man was no more Subaru had no life left to speak of. His life had ended with Seishiro-san's and he was merely a walking corpse that needed to be put to rest.

He had even tried to do his duty as Sakurazukamori, trying to follow the path Seishiro-san had left for him to follow, tried to do at least this for the only person he had loved and to whom he had been able to give so little.(3) He was grateful that his services had been required only once. With Tokyo's population escaping from the city as fast and as far as they could, it was difficult to find someone who could be a threat to Japan in the city...(4)

However he had done it, killed... he had killed... he had killed... again... again he had destroyed another life... and he had suffered a breakdown after it. Seishiro-san had chosen his heir poorly. He was grateful he didn't remember exactly what had happened during the kill or his breakdown. He really didn't want to know.

It was without regrets that he closed his eyes and let himself drown in the quiet blackness that death was, drown, drown, drown and never awake again, or at least keep sleeping until Seishiro-san would call for him.

He could almost hear it, Seishiro-san's voice echoing in that dark void in which he was, echoing always a bit louder, echoing continuously like a dripping water-tap, echoing, echoing, echoing...

'Subaru-kun...'

'Subaru-kun...'

'Subaru-kun...'

'Subaru-ku...'

'Subaru-k...'

'Subaru-...'

'Subaru...'

"Subaru..."

"Subaru..."

"Subaru!"

He blinked as he came awake, his eyes looking immediately for HIM, uncaring of the fact it was irrational to search for a person long dead. He would always look for HIM no matter what. He had looked for HIM right from the beginning, when they didn't even know each other, when he was a mere child that knew nothing about love and HE a teenager who had just finished a job, and he would keep doing so, no matter how many times his search would be pointless.

This time however... however... he was there, leaning over him, Subaru could feel his hand gently brushing his forehead, he could feel the warmth of his fingertips soothing the coldness of his own skin, he could see him, him, smiling down at him in the manner only he had and Subaru smiled back, tiredly, yet infinitely happily. He was there. They were together again. This might be a dream or another illusion that his barely stable mind was projecting, even one of the tricks of the Chi no Ryu's Kamui but as long as he perceived him there, as long as he believed they were together, it didn't matter. The fact that he was lying in an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar room, exhausted and with cables attached to his arm didn't dawn on him as important either.

He was with Seishiro-san.

Who cared about anything else?

What else was there to care about?

"Good afternoon, sleepyhead," Seishiro-san's voice announced and he was glad, so glad he could hear it again that he almost cried.

Then his brain kicked in and he realized that if Seishiro-san was with him and that wasn't an illusion it could only mean he had died too. Well, that was what he had expected but, right then, he didn't feel dead... On the contrary, he felt very much alive... He frowned in confusion.

"Am I dead too?" he asked in an almost childish tone. He didn't really care, as long as he was allowed to stay with Seishiro-san he didn't care about anything else. He just wanted to know. Seishiro-san's eyes widened in surprise, then he smiled again, condescendingly.

"No, silly, even if you had me worried for a while. Don't even think about doing that ever again. You're supposed to stay alive, with me," he said softly, playfully tapping Subaru's nose, a friendly gesture he hadn't used with Subaru in... too long for Subaru to remember. Subaru blinked in confusion, not really understanding Seishiro-san's reply.

"But you're dead, Seishiro-san..." he replied in a pitiful whine and he felt his heart breaking again at just mentioning it. "You're dead and you left me and I can't live without you and Hokuto-chan..." he whimpered, looking up at the man in a pleading manner, hoping against hope he could do something to fix it. Seishiro-san's eyes widened again, then the man frowned and then his features relaxed as he smiled again at Subaru.

"You only had a bad dream, Subaru. No one's dead," he told him in a reassuring tone, caressing Subaru's hair soothingly.(5)

"No one?" Subaru echoed. He wanted so badly to believe Seishiro-san's words... So badly...

"No one," Seishiro-san repeated in a firm tone. "No one is dead and no one is going to die," he added and there was something... dark and threatening in his voice as if he was promising harsh retribution against whoever would try to challenge his pronouncement.

"Then don't leave again. Don't leave me again, please, Seishiro-san..." Subaru whimpered. He managed to find the strength to grip the man's arm and held it as tightly as he could, which wasn't very much. On second thought he didn't really care if he was alive or not and if the others were alive or not. He only wanted to be with Seishiro-san. Nothing else.

"Never," Seishiro-san stated before taking Subaru's hand into his and kissing it gently, as he had done so long ago when Subaru had been a mere child. "I'll never let you go. Never," he repeated and there was a tone of finality in his words. "Now rest, Subaru. You need it," he added gently, leaning his forehead against Subaru as his arms wrapped around the boy's form protectively or maybe just possessively. With Seishiro-san it was always hard to tell. Not that Subaru minded at the moment. He was with Seishiro-san and Seishiro-san was with him and he was hugging him and, whatever his motivations were, at the moment Subaru felt he had no right to ask for more. "You had a bad week and you really need some rest, Subaru. I'm really happy to see you awake again. Don't worry, I'm sure they'll let you out of here in a couple of days," Seishiro-san continued talking as if his words were supposed to make sense to Subaru. They didn't and, as soon as he understood he couldn't figure out the meaning of Seishiro-san's words, he felt fear and desperation rise inside him again. He didn't want to be 'let out of here'. He wanted to remain here with Seishiro-san, no matter where 'here' was.

"Seishiro-san..." he called desperately, not really knowing how to express what he was feeling but needing to at least call the man, to make sure he was here, that he wouldn't leave or disappear.

"I'm staying, don't worry. You've got nothing to worry about now, Subaru. I'll take care of you," the man whispered as his hand brushed Subaru's forehead and then covered Subaru's eyes gently. "Sleep now."

Subaru had the fleeting impression that lips, Seishiro-san's lips, were pressed against his, as if in a kiss, but that couldn't be because no one had a reason to kiss him, least of all Seishiro-san, and he knew the man wouldn't let anyone else kiss him then, as the tiny treads of an Onmyoujutsu sleeping spell wrapped around his mind, he fell back into the darkness of a dreamless sleep.

To be continued...

JJ's Notes:

1. For those who have seen only the anime: in the manga Seishiro left his eye to Subaru to replace the one the Chi no Ryu's Kamui destroyed. Later, when the Chi no Ryu's Kamui asked Subaru if he still wished to die Subaru replied that, if he were to die, Seishiro's eye would die too and so he couldn't die.

2. In the manga there are assorted observations about why it is wrong to kill people. Among them there's a conversation between the Chi no Ryu's Kamui and Karen in Vol. 17.
'So if he saw you as his father why did you kill him?!'
'Because that was his strongest wish! You have one too, right? A strong wish. And even if someone would feel sad because of it you'll still want to realize it. To die for whom, is a person's own choice. But, some people have different wishes.'
'And what might be these different wishes you speak of? Even if, that was the child's own wish, and you were only making it come true, killing is a crime that is unforgivable!'
'... If that is so, then why did you not realize the most important thing? If... nobody could ever hurt or kill anybody, then why would people become blinded to the most important things?'
I assume that, to help Kamui to understand what is 'the most important thing' he killed Subaru.

3. In the manga, with his eye, Subaru had inherited Seishiro's title as Sakurazukamori.

4. Despite many, many fics saying otherwise the Sakurazukamori's role is to kill who's a threat, present or future, to Japan.

5. Yes, yes, I know Seishiro always called Subaru 'Subaru-kun'. There's a reason that he's not doing it anymore.

JJ's Extra Notes:
This fic's purpose is to be a mystery of some sort... so of course there's an explanation behind everything... only I won't give it to you right now but I'll let you wonder like poor Subaru. You're free to try to guess what it is before him.
Has Seishiro survived Rainbow Bridge and hidden in the meantime? Has Subaru finally turned insane? Is the one with him the Chi no Ryu's Kamui and Subaru instead is seeing Seishiro in his place just because that was his wish? Has Subaru ended up in an AU? Or is it all a dream? Or was the 'X' plot the dream? And whatever your answer is... why is Subaru in a hospital?

Dictionary:
-chan: Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child
-kun: Young
-san: "Mr." or "Mrs."
Chi no Ryu: Dragon of Earth
Onmyoudo: "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based upon the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature
Onmyouji: "Person who practices Onmyoudo". Basically a magician, sorcerer, diviner and astrologer
Onmyoujutsu: "Art of Yin and Yang". The ability to use Onmyoudo spells
Sakurazukamori: "Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound". The assassin who uses Onmyoujutsu to kill who threatens Japan
Ten no Ryu: Dragon of Heaven

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