Author: J.J.
Warning: It's an AU BASED ON THE MANGA, it probably contains some OOCness and a bit of sappiness, uses Japanese words (the dictionary is at the bottom) and includes some spoilers...
Notes: Based on the idea that there can't be a heaven in Earth but that being with your loved one helps a lot...
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo Babylon" and "X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?
Thanks: To Ruth for betaing this! Thank you a lot!
Summary: Poor, mentally unstable Subaru is convinced he's finally been killed off on Judgement Day, when he wakes up again in a hospital and discovers things went radically different from how he remembers them... And when he starts getting used to this new reality weird things start to happen that make him wonder whether it's really him who's having distorted memories or if there's something behind all this...
Subaru woke up again the morning after. His memories of the previous day were foggy, blurry, but he guessed that was pretty normal, considering he'd been stabbed with a ShinKen. The ShinKen impaling him was the thing he remembered best, a single spark of clarity in a life that had stopped making sense long ago. He had hoped, prayed, begged the ShinKen would kill him. Instead apparently he was still alive, he realized as he scanned the room for someone who, he knew, wouldn't be there. He sighed. He should have stopped believing in that kind of dream long ago. Yet... he was lying in a bed, he realized, a hospital bed, exactly like the one of his dream. But he was alone in the room, alone, so very much alone, with his right wrist bandaged and no cables attached to his arm and he was tremendously weak and tired. He closed his eyes. He didn't really care about his state, it had never truly mattered to him; the only important and positive matter was that Seishiro-san's eye seemed to be fine. He could see perfectly through it, almost better than usual.
Good.
At least he hadn't failed to protect the only precious thing he had.
At least he wasn't completely alone.
Seishiro-san's eye was with him.
The last piece of the man was with him.
He wasn't alone, he reminded himself, resting his hand over the eye protectively.
"Everything will go well, I won't let anyone hurt you," he murmured to the eye in a protective tone. "They won't manage to part me from you too... even if I'm sorry I got you in trouble as well. I should have been more careful. Please, don't be mad... Don't be mad..." he repeated, stroking his eyelid as in an attempt to caress the eye itself. That eye would never be his. It would always be Seishiro-san's eye and he would love and cherish it as he had the man himself. Or try to.
Slowly he removed his hand, leaving Seishiro-san's eye alone and opening it and his own. He stared at the hospital ceiling for a minute before forcing himself to sit up with some effort, planning to leave that place immediately. So apparently the Chi no Ryu's Kamui's blow hadn't killed him. This must mean that one or more of the Ten no Ryu had taken pity on him and brought him here, because he highly doubted that the Chi no Ryu's Kamui, after sticking the ShinKen inside him, would have brought him to a hospital. That boy could see Wishes. He would have known Subaru's Wish was to be left there to die.
He looked around the room again. It was empty but he already knew that. He tried hard not to think of the dream he had had the past night, a dream in which the room wasn't empty, a dream in which Seishiro-san was still alive and here with him, in that same room. He had already had too many dreams like that but in the end he had always awoken to face the bitter truth he had always found so difficult to face. He had hoped this time he wouldn't have to awake again to face it but...
Weakly, he tried to stand up. He wanted to leave. He didn't want to remain here any longer. There was no one for him here.
He was amazed by the quality of the hospital's painkillers. Despite having been stabbed right through his stomach he wasn't any feeling pain at all. Too bad. He wouldn't have minded it. He deserved it. After all he had been the one foolish enough to let himself get stabbed, putting Seishiro-san's eye in danger, hadn't he?
As soon as he was finally standing the door opened and a person looked at him from the entrance.
"Subaru? What are you trying to do?" the person asked him. He froze as he stared at the newcomer. The voice was familiar and yet... it wasn't. The speaker was a girl, a young woman really, about his age, short black hair, green eyes that seemed even greener due to the odd, flower-shaped dress very few would dare to wear as nonchalantly as her, remaining features so strikingly resembling his that it was obvious they had to be related. Only... none of his many cousins would fit that description or dare to address him with such familiarity. They would always, always call him 'Subaru-san' at best, if not in an even more respectful manner; it didn't matter if they had grown up with him. Only one person would dare to address him just as 'Subaru' despite the strict rules that governed his Ichimon, but that person... that person... she...(1)
The young woman walked straight to him and he stared at her dazedly, as if she was a ghost or a hallucination, something that couldn't, couldn't be in front of him in that moment, in that room. She stopped when she was a very short distance away from him, then she placed her hands on her hips and glared fiercely at him as only one person had been able to do.
"You get back to bed this moment, you got me, Subaru? You've worried Sei-chan and me enough for this week. Don't you dare ever do that again! How could you let that stupid spirit injure you? I thought you knew better than being careless on a job!" she scolded him with practiced ease, as if used to doing it, and there had been only one person in Subaru's life who had ever done so but that person... he... she... they...
"Hokuto-chan?" he said weakly as the world waved and spun around him, making him grow nauseous as the name he had just called kept echoing in his mind, bringing back memories of a happy time that had been long gone. Hokuto-chan, Hokuto-chan,Hokuto-chanHokutochan...
"Subaru? Don't you feel well?" she asked in a very concerned tone as she moved closer to support him, stopping him from falling and making him sit down on the bed. "Subaru?" she called again, concern filling her tone even more. "Subaru, is everything all right? Do you want me to call a doctor?"
"Hokuto-chan? Is that you?" he merely asked in a quite childish tone. It couldn't be her, it was insanity to think this young woman was Hokuto-chan and yet... yet... She blinked at him in confusion.
"Sure, who did you think I am? I hope not Obaachama..." she said trying to lighten the mood. Subaru failed to notice it. He failed to understand everything else that came after the 'sure', his brain firmly refusing to process further.
Hokuto-chan. Hokuto-chan.
Great, it was official, he was insane and having hallucinations, he thought with bitter humour as he fought down the need to begin to laugh and cry hysterically all at the same time. It must be the blood loss. It must have damaged his brain worse than he had believed. Or maybe it was already too damaged and surviving had been the last straw he needed to completely snap. Only... he had never seen a twenty-five years old Hokuto-chan. The last time he had seen her she'd been seventeen, merely seventeen, so young... So young... and that youth had been thrown away and all because of him... It had been all his fault... She died and so this girl couldn't be her. Just a dream... Or a hallucination. Not that he cared. Not that he cared as long as he could see her again... even if only for a moment. He just needed a moment, a moment to delude himself that she was still alive and... and none of the horrible things that had happened in his life were real. He wasn't asking for much, just for a moment of this.(2)
"Hokuto-chan..." he whimpered, reaching out for her, tears spilling from his eyes. "Hokuto-chan..." He wanted so badly to apologize to her, to apologize to her over and over, to explain to her in every detail how sorry he was, to make her understand the depth of his regret for what he had caused to happen to her, for how he loathed himself and held himself responsible for her death, how much he would have wanted to be the one who died, how much he would have loved to give his life for her, how badly he had missed her, missed her, missed her, all of her, even the sides of her personality that were annoying, missed her beyond reason but... but he couldn't. All he knew how to say at the moment was 'Hokuto-chan' as if by simply uttering her name he could express all the feelings trapped inside him.
"Subaru..." she began to say, unsure as if she didn't quite know what to do with him. He didn't let her finish. He didn't want her to talk in that moment. He was too afraid her words would shatter that illusion. So he just trapped her in an embrace, holding her waist as tightly as his weak body allowed him as she stood in front of him, burying his face against her stomach as he proceeded to cry his heart out as only a child would do, huge sobs shaking his shoulders, crying without restrain because she was Hokuto-chan, she was his older sister, his older twin sister and she would understand, she would understand what no one else could. She would understand. Even if she was only an illusion. Or a dream. She... she was so warm and soft at his touch and yet... solid, as if she was real, real, and he wanted her so badly to be real... but... but he didn't want to think of that. It didn't matter if Hokuto-chan wasn't real. He truly didn't expect her to be. He only... wanted to delude himself a little longer that she was here, that she was real. As long as he could do this he would content himself with what he got.
Subaru blinked as he came awake. He hadn't realized he had fallen asleep while crying in Hokuto-chan's arms. Maybe he hadn't. Maybe it had been just another dream. Probably it had been just another dream, another hallucination, a trick of his mind. However when he awoke again his gaze met what looked like a doctor.
He wasn't particularly pleased. He would have preferred Hokuto-chan or Seishiro-san but maybe one couldn't keep having good hallucinations forever. It was to be expected that, being in a hospital, the first thing he would have seen waking up would have been a doctor or, maybe, a nurse. It didn't truly make things any better but he was used to being disappointed each time he dared to hope for something. That was how his life worked. Sumeragi Subaru never got his dreams fulfilled. They all slipped from his grasp like fine sand and he really should learn not to even dare to hope anymore.
He looked around absently, at first ignoring the questions he was asked. The doctor wasn't alone in his room. There were also other doctors and nurses, their attention all focused on him. He wished they would leave him alone. He wished they had let him die. He knew he wouldn't get his wishes so he turned his gaze on the doctor next to him. The man tried to question him but Subaru kept silent. He saw no point in answering, he saw no point in helping them heal him. Noticing his lack of cooperation, they tried to catch his interest talking to him about his condition. Subaru turned his eyes away, refusing to pay them any attention. He didn't care about how he was. Noticing his lack of interest, the doctor fell silent and looked at his colleague as if asking for help.
"Sumeragi-san... is there anything you want to know?" one of them asked him in a gentle, solicitous tone. "Anything you need?"
At first Subaru didn't reply, then...
"Is my right eye fine?" he asked, just to be sure. He seemed to see well through it but... but one could never be sure enough about its status. Seishiro-san's eye was the only thing he had in the world that mattered. He had to be sure it was well.
At his question the doctor looked at him as if he had asked something really weird and senseless and then said it was, that there was no reason for it to not be. Once he got his answer Subaru stopped paying attention to him and to the other doctors again.
They however began questioning him again. Pestered him in order to get a reaction out of him in fact, as if his question had only encouraged them to continue bother him and they wouldn't stop until they would get an answer. In the end Subaru decided to give up, merely because he wanted to be left alone.
Their question were silly like 'what's the last thing you remember', 'which day is today', 'where do you live', 'how old are you' and so on. Subaru answered some absently and refused to answer the ones that could be troublesome for the Ten no Ryu, the Sumeragi Ichimon or his job as Sakurazukamori.
The list of questions seemed to go on forever.
He fell asleep in the middle of it.
When Subaru awoke again he realized, after scanning the room, that he was alone in it. He wondered if his meeting with the doctors had been real or if that too had been a dream and if his life had turned into an annoying routine of being awake for a while before falling asleep, then waking again for a while and so on without truly knowing if he was awake or dreaming.
He tried to get up again and this time no one came through the door to stop him. He felt dizzy, however, and so he thought it wouldn't be a bad idea if, before trying anything, he would wash his face just to clear his thoughts a bit. It wouldn't do if he were to faint on his way out of the hospital because he was going to leave that place, that was for sure. He didn't care much about the fact that he was wearing only a pair of pyjamas and that he couldn't see any other clothes he could change into. It wasn't like he cared about his attire or how cold it would be to leave the hospital wearing nothing else. It wasn't as if he cared about himself.
He managed to reach the bathroom annexed to his hospital bedroom with no incidents and to splash some fresh water on his face but it was when his eyes accidentally met the mirror that he realized it.
He didn't have Seishiro-san's eye anymore.
He stared at his reflection in horror as two wide green eyes stared back at him.
Where was Seishiro-san's eye? Where had it gone? Who could have stolen it from him and replaced it with a green eye? A horrible green eye that matched his other green eye when all he wanted to see was Seishiro-san's eye's golden colour.
He wanted Seishiro-san's eye back! He needed Seishiro-san's eye back!
That had to be a nightmare, a horrible nightmare; he didn't think he could survive alone without Seishiro-san's eye...
He wouldn't manage.
He couldn't manage.
He felt his already compromised sanity slipping from his fingers even further as he continued to stare with growing horror at that perfectly green eye that had stolen Seishiro-san's eye's place, that horrible green eye when all he wanted, all he needed, was Seishiro-san's golden one, and in desperation raised his hand to strike the mirror, hoping that shattering it, denying that reality, would magically restore Seishiro-san's eye to its right place.
He froze in mid-movement as he heard a familiar voice calling his name before his fist could connect with the mirror's surface and turned in slow motion as if fearing to see who had called him with his own eyes.
"Seishiro... -san?" he asked in an unsteady voice as he stared at the man at the door. He was going insane, that was it. That or he had ended up in some experiment to turn him insane, only no one had bothered to inform the scientists that he already was. Or he was in hell. Or... Or...
He began trembling, panting, fighting for breath as he fought to remain coherent, awake, to not slip into unconsciousness again, that new hallucination too much to bear after the loss of Seishiro-san's eye. After the loss of the only thing that still tied him to the man.
"Subaru... what were you doing?" Seishiro-san asked, frowning in confusion. Subaru unconsciously walked back and ended up against the opposite wall with a startled gasp.
"I'm sorry... I lost your eye... and I didn't treat it with care... but I didn't plan to be Kamui's guinea pig, I swear... and I tried to do what you did... but I'm clumsy and I messed up... and I... I'm sorry for the eye, Seishiro-san... please don't hate me..." he babbled as he hugged himself while staring at two wide, perfect golden eyes. A corner of his mind wondered if he was supposed to inform Seishiro-san he shouldn't have two golden eyes, just one, no, in fact not even one but he didn't think he knew a polite way to inform him of this and anyway his mind was too far gone to think coherently.
"Subaru... I really don't think I've understood what you're saying... but I think you should go back to bed..." Seishiro-san told him gently, trying to move closer to him. Immediately visions of his hand going through Seishiro-san's body assaulted Subaru, making his head spin even more, and he tried again to shrink back, pushing himself against the wall and hugging himself protectively. He didn't think he could bear to kill Seishiro-san a second time...
"NO!" he screamed. "No, I'm really, really sorry about your eye, Seishiro-san, please don't do it to me again... please, not again, please..." he begged. Not again. Not again. If he were to be forced to kill Seishiro-san again he... he...
"Subaru..." Seishiro-san said in a gentle whisper, then slowly, as he would have done with a frightened animal, he walked even closer to him. "Subaru... I've no idea what you're talking about but I'm not mad at you and everything is fine..."
Subaru's eyes widened in terror as he tried to walk back further, uncaring of the fact he was already as far back as he could be without going through the wall, his feet sliding on the floor.
"Seishiro-san... please... please... don't die again... don't do this to me... please..." he babbled, shaking his head in denial. "I'm sorry about the eye, I swear... please..." He knew he deserved to be punished for losing the eye but this... this was too much. He couldn't bear it. He couldn't.
He froze as he felt Seishiro-san's fingers brushing his cheek gently, expecting to hear the sound of his hand piercing the man's chest against his will, expecting to feel the nauseating smell of blood filling his nostrils as the viscid liquid would cover his hand, his clothes, his world. His head spun further and he felt impossibly weak and nauseous. His legs were unable to support him any longer and he began sliding down. He was kind of surprised when Seishiro-san managed to catch him without something bad happening.
"Subaru, are you well?" the man asked, holding him securely against his chest, a perfect simulation of concern and worry mixing in his voice because it couldn't be anything else but simulation, could it? Subaru leaned limply on him like a broken doll, wondering how an illusion could be so perfect to feel so solid and warm and even smell like Seishiro-san but Seishiro-san had always been a master of illusions only he didn't know he could create them even after his death.
"Seishiro-san..." he whimpered without daring to make a move, fearing too much what could happen if he were to make the wrong move, if he were to kill Seishiro-san again. "Don't die again... please, don't..." he stammered, his teeth clattering together as his body continued to tremble violently. He was so cold and covered in sweat and couldn't even move or cry or... A gentle hand caressed his cheek soothingly, then his hair, and Subaru closed his eyes in temporal relief, then his breath caught in his throat as he felt himself being picked up as easily as if he were a little child. He stared up at Seishiro-san's frowning face, not daring to move at first. The man's expression eased as he manoeuvred to get a better hold on Subaru.
"I'm not going to die, Subaru. I'm only going to put you back to bed. There's no need for you to be so scared. I promise this time I won't leave you alone, not even for a minute, and everything will go well," he assured him. Subaru stared at him, knowing how well and how effortlessly Seishiro-san could lie and that he should absolutely not believe him but... but... but he needed to believe in that lie too much to be capable to use his common sense at the moment and so he awkwardly curled up against him, his trembling body still tense, whishing he knew how to hide the shameful tears that had begun to fall from his eyes and trying to suppress his sobs the best he could. It was too much from the last time he had cried in front of Seishiro-san. Too much.
"It's all right, Subaru," Seishiro-san said to him soothingly as he began to walk. "It's all right."
"It's... it's not... I've... I've lost... your eye... and everyone... everyone is dead... and... and it's my fault... it's all my fault... and I... I'm not even sure... if I... I'm dead... or not... and... and..."
"Subaru, no one is dead. Didn't I already tell you that?" Seishiro-san said gently, sitting him down on the bed. Subaru immediately clung to him for dear life.
"Don't leave! Don't vanish again! I don't care if you are a hallucination or a dream, or if I'm simply insane, just don't leave!" he begged in a panicked tone. He felt sick, weak and cold and he couldn't stop shaking but he plainly didn't care. All he wanted was for Seishiro-san to stay with him. He would do everything in order to get the man to stay with him.
"Subaru... I'm not a hallucination. It's me, I'm real, can't you feel it?" the man said patiently to him resting his hand on Subaru's cheek as he sat down next to him. Subaru blinked.
"But you're dead, Seishiro-san," he countered, trying to find meaning in the man's words. "Are you a Shirei? Or am I dead too? Can I stay with you then? I don't mind being dead if I can stay with you... please, Seishiro-san, let me stay with you, I won't bother you!" he asked in a pleading tone. Seishiro-san sighed, then pulled Subaru into his lap as if he were a child and held him against himself. Subaru nestled in his embrace, seeking the protection it offered, his head resting on Seishiro-san's shoulder, for once uncaring of how much... not proper this was. Seishiro-san had died. Died. He had left Subaru alone, he had left him behind. There had been no more embarrassing hugs and teasing words and no more Seishiro-san. And now the man was back. And Subaru was determined to allow him everything, anything as long as he was going to stay with him.
"You'll stay with me, Subaru. I won't let you go," the man assured him, caressing Subaru's hair soothingly.
"You... You'll leave... I know you'll do... Everyone did... Okaasan and Otousan... Hokuto-chan... you... your eye..." Subaru sobbed, burying his face against Seishiro-san's neck, aware he was soaking the man's shirt but unable to stop crying. "I'll... I'll awake... and I... I'll be... alone again... and I'll die... because... because I can't stay without you... but maybe... maybe I'm already dead... so I... I should exorcise myself... but I'm so tired... so tired... and I can't... I can't find your eye..."(3)
"Subaru, Subaru, listen to me," Seishiro-san called, making him raise his face so that he was forced to meet Seishiro-san's gaze. "I swear I won't leave and I'll make sure you won't die as well. As for this eye thing... I don't know what you're talking about but forget about it," he ordered gently as he stroked his back soothingly. Subaru tried to remember the last time he'd been treated with such care and kindness, then squeezed his eyes shut and tried to forget it as he realized it had been during 'the year'.
"But... but it was your eye... and I lost it... and..." he whimpered. He felt Seishiro-san sighing, then the man's hand moved to rub Subaru's tense shoulders as Subaru returned to lay his head against Seishiro-san's shoulder.
"Don't worry, Subaru. I'll get you another if it's so important to you," the men replied tiredly in a dismissive tone.
"You can't give me another..." Subaru replied weakly, not seeing the sense in Seishiro-san's words. How could he get him another one? Seishiro-san wasn't supposed to have more than two eyes and since one had been lost long ago and the other was the one Subaru had lost... Only now Seishiro-san had two other eyes... but Subaru didn't want one of them and he didn't think Seishiro-san was talking about one of them so he couldn't understand... "I'm so sorry, Seishiro-san..." he settled to say. "So sorry... it was yours and I..."
"Well, since it was my eye if I say it doesn't matter, it doesn't, does it?" the man offered.
"I didn't mean to lose it..." Subaru insisted, looking at him pleadingly.
"I know," Seishiro-san assured him. "It's okay now, don't worry."
"It's never okay..." Subaru stated, lowering his gaze.
"This time it will be," Seishiro-san said firmly, tightening his hold. "This time you'll remain with me and I'll take care of you and nobody will manage to keep us apart," he added darkly.
"Don't leave..." Subaru repeated.
"I won't leave, no matter what," the man stated firmly. "I'll go nowhere without you and you'll go nowhere without me," he assured him in a kinder tone. "Now sleep, you need it," he ordered, covering Subaru's eyes with his hand. "Everything will be fine when you wake up." Subaru tightened his grip on Seishiro-san, sensing the sleeping spell that was trying to win him over, fighting it the best he could but... but he was too weak and, as Seishiro-san had said, he needed sleep.
"Seishiro-san... I... You..." he managed to murmur weakly before there was only blissful darkness around him.
JJ's Notes:
1. Subaru's the Ichimon no TouShu. Even his grandmother calls him 'Subaru-san' and she was the previous TouShu. I assume it's very likely the other members of the Sumeragi Ichimon would do the same.
2. For who's wondering why Hokuto-chan was seventeen and not sixteen the last time Subaru saw her... I assume 'Tokyo Babylon' began with both twins being sixteen (as declared in Vol. 1) but becoming seventeen before the end of the manga. The twins' birthday is in February. I don't believe Seishiro met Subaru January the 1st so I assume it's possible the bet ended after February allowing both twins to become sixteen.
3. Actually it's unsure if Subaru's parents are dead or not and, according to some rumours, CLAMP declared in an interview they're still alive. For this fic's purpose however I assume they're dead.
JJ's Extra Notes:
As you could have already noticed in the previous chapter Subaru isn't completely right in the head (and he firmly believes Seishiro's eye to be a living entity that had taken residence in his head...).
Seishiro's death and what had followed slowly destroyed his sanity. By now he's so used to having dreams and/or hallucinations about Hokuto and Seishiro so he tries not to believe the ones he's having right now are real because... well, simply put, discovering they're illusions hurts. Plus seeing them makes him overemotional when, around others, he can manage to control himself even if he becomes rather apathetic (see his interaction with the doctors).
Dictionary:
-chan: Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child
-san: "Mr." or "Mrs."
Chi no Ryu: Dragon of Earth
Ichimon: "Family" or "Household" or "Clan"
Obaachama: "Grandmother" or "Old Woman"
Okaasan: Mother
Otousan: Father
Onmyoudo: "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based upon the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature
Onmyoujutsu: "Art of Yin and Yang". The ability to use Onmyoudo spells
Sakurazukamori: "Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound". The assassin who uses Onmyoujutsu to kill who threatens Japan
ShinKen: "Sword Given By God" or "Sword Offered To God"
Shirei: Spirit Of A Dead
Ten no Ryu: Dragon of Heaven
TouShu: "Accepted Master". Family Head
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