Author: J.J.
Warning: It's an AU BASED ON THE MANGA, it probably contains some OOCness and a bit of sappiness, uses Japanese words (the dictionary is at the bottom) and includes some spoilers...
Notes: Based on the idea that there can't be a heaven in Earth but that being with your loved one helps a lot...
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo Babylon" and "X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?
Thanks: To Ruth for betaing this! Thank you a lot!
Summary: Poor, mentally unstable Subaru is convinced he's finally been killed off on Judgement Day, when he wakes up again in a hospital and discovers things went radically different from how he remembers them... And when he starts getting used to this new reality weird things start to happen that make him wonder whether it's really him who's having distorted memories or if there's something behind all this...
Seishiro groaned, blinked and then shook his head sleepily as he came awake. He hadn't meant to fall asleep but, after that seemingly endless week, a week he had spent at the hospital taking care of an unconscious Subaru who had showed no sign of waking up any time soon and that he didn't even remember well anymore, he had been quite tired... well, completely worn out, really, and, when he had found himself with Subaru sleeping quietly in his arms as he was used to doing before that mess started... as if nothing had ever gone wrong and they hadn't been kept apart for a whole week... his eyes had closed on their own. He gazed fondly at the young man still sleeping in his arms, head resting on his shoulder, listening to the soft sound of Subaru's breathing.
Subaru had woken up.
After a week of waiting without knowing if he would do so again, Subaru had finally, finally woken up.
That was all that mattered to him.
He frowned as he remembered the state in which Subaru had been when he had awoken, so confused, so scared, so desperate, and instinctively tightened his hug in an unconscious attempt to protect the boy from whatever had been troubling him and, at the same time, not to have Subaru ripped away from him ever again. He was so busy cuddling the boy, snuggling against him and holding him close he didn't even hear the door opening.
"Aw! You two are so cute when you're cuddling!" Hokuto-chan commented enthusiastically in her usual high pitched tone as she entered the room without bothering to knock first but, after all, knocking wasn't something Hokuto-chan would ever learn to do. She enjoyed surprising people too much, especially her brother and Seishiro, to pass up a chance to do so. "A truly adorable couple of lovebirds!" she added, sounding delighted.
"Hokuto-chan, you'll wake Subaru up," Seishiro warned in a low tone, frowning at her and pulling Subaru even closer, as if he feared she could snatch the boy away from him.
Hokuto took note of the fact that he wasn't bothering to pretend to be his usual kind and polite self, and used it to measure his tiredness. She knew that Sei-chan cared for Subaru and Subaru only and merely tolerated all other living beings, but normally he didn't show it so openly if he were to show it at all. But, after all, she'd never seen him so... upset... as he had been that week and that was saying a lot.
She abandoned her playful look for a more serious one and silently joined him at the bedside, pausing only a moment to smile at Subaru's sleeping face before sitting down on the chair next to the bed.
"So? Did he wake up again after I left? Why the gloomy mood? The doctors said Subaru has some memory problems but don't tell me that he doesn't remember you," she asked in a lower voice. "I will never believe he might have forgotten you."
Seishiro sighed, his hand unconsciously moving to caress Subaru's soft hair. The boy mumbled something in his sleep as he did so and snuggled closer, causing Seishiro to smile fondly down at him as he continued to pet him.
"Hokuto-chan, please, explain to me again what the doctors have concluded," he said then in a quiet tone to Hokuto-chan, without turning his gaze away from Subaru, as if he didn't trust him to stay safe if he were to leave him out of his sight.
"They said he suffers from memory gaps and he's delusional over most of his past. They're debating if it's due to dissociate memory disorder or something called Korsakoff's syndrome. Anyway it shouldn't be a problem. Subaru's memory has never been good," she stated dismissively, probably trying to make light of it.(1) Seishiro wished he could agree but actually he saw nothing to joke about. Evidently Hokuto-chan hadn't grasped yet the entirety of Subaru's memory problems but, after all, she hadn't been there when the boy had begun babbling nonsense about eyes and him being dead. He doubted she would take Subaru's problems so lightly had she witnessed that scene.
"No, it won't be a problem at all, except for the fact he believes we're dead and I'm not going into the 'eye thing' because I didn't understand one word of it," he muttered sarcastically, finding it was completely unfair he was troubled and she was not.
"The 'eye thing'?" she replied, puzzled.
"Let's not talk about it," he replied dismissively, denying her that information now that he had got her attention. "I still have to figure out what this 'eye' he kept taking about is. Maybe a weird Halloween game I gave him in the past?" he wondered, more to himself than to her. The eye thing had been the most confusing thing Subaru had rambled about.
Hokuto blinked, not really sure she understood and not liking how Sei-chan had managed to have her worried and now was refusing to tell her the details of what she should worry over.
"Anyway Subaru can't have either of the things they're talking about," Seishiro stated turning his attention on her again and interrupting her train of thoughts.
"Huh? How do you know? I didn't know you were also an expert on memory disorders..." Hokuto said doubtfully, arching one of her fine eyebrow and looking at him sceptically. She was sure he knew something she didn't and she wanted to find out what and, if in order to do so she had to needle him... then so be it. Subaru's well being was much more important in her books than Seishiro-chan's pride.
"To develop Dissociate Disorders you must have a documented history of repetitive, overwhelming, and often life-threatening trauma during childhood," Seishiro said mechanically as if repeating a lesson, slightly annoyed about Hokuto-chan's words. After all the fact he was a just veterinarian (among other things) didn't mean he didn't know anything about how the human mind worked. She shouldn't underestimate him. "And even if I'm sure it was rather traumatic for him to be raised by your grandmother, not even I think it was that bad. Of course Subaru-kun might also have an inherited biological predisposition for it but I think that by now I would have noticed it. Korsakoff's syndrome is due to lack of vitamin B1 or alcoholism... knowing Subaru, do you think, that this might be the case?" he asked sceptically and Hokuto frowned. Subaru rarely consumed alcoholic beverages and, since he had tended to forget eating from early childhood onwards, both Seishiro-chan and Hokuto had taken very good care to supervise his eating habits and they made sure that he was getting enough vitamins so no, that couldn't be the case either.
"Well... no, not really... but it might be due to the fact he was clinically dead for a minute, or in coma for a week, or maybe it was a spell he used, or the Shirei, or the Sakanagi, or... I don't know, you're the Onmyouji, Sei-chan! Say something! What might have caused this?" Hokuto exclaimed exasperatedly, looking at him accusingly. He knew something and he wasn't telling her what and... okay, so maybe she had been too optimistic... but she was trying to cheer him up and, anyway, whatever problem Subaru might have was better than having him in coma.
"I've no idea," Seishiro-chan stated laconically.
"Some help you are," Hokuto complained. "Why do I have the impression you know a lot more than you're letting on?" she asked, her attentive eyes narrowing as she studied him, resorting to the direct approach. Not that she believed it would work with him.
"When will they release him?" it was all that Seishiro-chan said in reply, ignoring her question.
"Tomorrow, but if you say he's not well..."
"I'm taking Subaru home, period. He's been here a week and it was a week too much. Besides those idiots and their stupid theories won't help him. He'll be better off at home. Safer too," Seishiro-chan stated before kissing Subaru's forehead gently. They were so cute... The Sakurazukamori wasn't supposed to look so adorable as he cuddled with her brother, she thought. It made it so hard to not give in to his wishes... as if he was merely a cute kid that needed to be spoiled...
"You just want him back home so you won't have to share him with all those people, don't you? Sometimes you're so egoistic..." she forced herself to complain, refusing to give in to her need to spoil that overgrown kid. He glared at her.
"Do you really think he wants to stay here?" he countered.
"No," Hokuto conceded. Sei-chan might be a bratty kid but he had a point here. Subaru had always hated hospitals. "But Subaru has never known what's best for him," she reminded him and it was true. Subaru had always done what he believed he had to do, not what was best for him.
"Thanks, Hokuto-chan," Seishiro-chan muttered and she realized she had inadvertently struck a nerve. Many had criticised Subaru's choice of being with Sei-chan and Sei-chan had never taken it well.
"Sei-chan, I didn't mean you! I mean... Oh, okay, I don't know what I meant but he's my brother and I care for him too and you aren't the only one worried for him," she complained. She liked Sei-chan, she really did, however... From the moment Sakurazuka Seishiro had entered her brother's life, he had done his best to have Subaru all for himself and Subaru... Subaru had let him. She wouldn't have let him monopolize her brother so much, hadn't it been for the fact that Sei-chan made Subaru as happy as no one else could... and with very little effort. All he had to do was to glance in Subaru's direction and Subaru would immediately be as happy as he could be. So she had let him have her baby brother, even helping their relationship when she could in her own way and, in exchange, Sei-chan hadn't tried to get in between Subaru and Hokuto's relationship.
Much.
She still didn't know how that man had managed to get into her brother's life so deeply, as if he was a part of Subaru himself. Subaru hadn't wanted to tell her and normally he never hid things from her, but all she had managed to find out from him was that they had met when Subaru had come to Tokyo, for the ceremony of succession, and had immediately become special in her brother's eyes, so special that Subaru had eventually started a relationship with the man, moving to live with him when he was a mere teenager.
While a side of her had always been happy for him, another was always busy worrying about what Sei-chan might do.
She knew who he really was. She had guessed as soon as she had heard him saying his name... maybe even before it but her suspicions had been confirmed only in 1999.
Actually everyone that had mattered in that year knew who Sei-chan was after the battles that had taken place in that cursed year and this had caused her brother enough problems...(2)
And Sei-chan was so set on owning Subaru, having him all for himself... and yet...
She sighed. It was really hard to picture him as a dangerous person when he was busy snuggling so cutely against her sleeping brother... And she felt so lost sometimes... so unsure about what would be better for Subaru... who couldn't live without Sei-chan but who could be destroyed by him so very easily...
The world felt weird, Subaru mused as he slowly came awake.
For the first time in eight years it felt safe, warm and welcoming, something the world, his world at least, wasn't supposed to be, but that wasn't really important.
"Seishiro-san..." he whispered weakly without daring to open his eyes, calling the name of the only person that mattered in his life, knowing very well he really should have done better than trust an illusion... or a Shirei... or whatever... especially if it was Seishiro-san's. He knew the man wouldn't be there when he would woke up, he knew he would be alone. Oh well, he already knew that he was an idiot who never learnt. Never, never, never trust Seishiro-san. Subaru was so sure he wouldn't get a reply that he was quite startled when he got one.
"I'm here," the voice that Subaru had longed more than any other to hear replied softly as a large hand moved to caress Subaru's hair. Subaru blinked, then slowly turned to look up as his mind registered he wasn't lying in his bed, actually he was being held by someone's arms and those arms seemed to belong... but that couldn't be because...
"Seishiro-san?" he called again in a pleading tone as his gaze finally met gently smiling golden eyes and he felt his throat constrict painfully and he just knew he was hallucinating again but it didn't really matter because he loved that hallucination, he loved that hallucination and he didn't care if it was only a hallucination as long as he could have that at least... at least...
"I told you I wasn't going to leave you alone..." the man replied, smiling down at him warmly, and Subaru just swallowed and leaned his head back down against Seishiro-san's chest, listening quietly to Seishiro-san's heartbeat and trying to stop the fine tremor that was running through his body as he tried to suppress his feelings which were threatening to overwhelm him.
Seishiro-san.
Seishiro-san was with him.
Such a perfect illusion he could almost believe it real. He knew better, of course. Maybe the doctors had put him on drugs. He didn't know if to thank them or kill them but he couldn't really think straight when he was with Seishiro-san...
"Seishiro-san..." he whimpered, sniffling slightly and doing his best not to start crying like a child as he felt Seishiro-san stroking his hair. "Seishiro-san..."
"I'm here, I'm not a hallucination or a ghost or anything, Subaru. I'm really here," the man said as if reading his thoughts and Subaru squeezed his eyes shut and thought it made sense if his hallucination could read them and act as he needed it to act. This perfect, wonderful hallucination...
"Seishiro-san..." he repeated. "Seishiro-san..." There wasn't much else he wanted to say, really, just a long, long string of 'Seishiro-sans'. But, after all, to him nothing else was worth to be said apart from that. Seishiro-san's name in Subaru's mind meant so many things he couldn't even begin to list them all.
"It's okay. It's okay now, Subaru. You... you had... an accident. You've worried me quite a bit but now you're okay and I'll take you home, Subaru, I promise. It's just... it's just that your memory is a bit messed up... but it will surely get back to normal soon, and you've nothing to worry about, Subaru, I swear it," the man said in a reassuring tone, holding him and cuddling him, and Subaru wished so badly he could believe him but he had dreamt that scene too many times to consider doing so. He knew that, once that beautiful illusion would shatter and he would find himself all alone again, he would be even more devastated and he really thought he couldn't bear it anymore. He couldn't bear to lose Seishiro-san again, even if it was merely an illusion his mind had conjured and not Seishiro-san in person.
"I... I don't want to go back to that house... You won't be there and no one will be there and I'll be alone again... again... and I... I prefer to stay here... to stay here with you and not to wake ever again... I don't care if I'm insane I just want to be with you... just that..." he said in a half stubborn, half pleading tone. It was all he wanted. To be with Seishiro-san. Couldn't they let him be with Seishiro-san? Seishiro-san sighed and Subaru cringed, fearing the man would tell him he didn't want him.
"Subaru, this isn't a dream. Remember what I told you? No one died. It's just your memory that's playing tricks on you," Seishiro-san told him very quietly, very patiently, still smiling gently as he used to do during that wonderful year... only now he seemed even more gentle... as if he truly cared and...
"But... but I remember everyone died..." Subaru stammered. "I remember..." 'you died' he wanted to say but he was forced to trail off because that memory was too painful to be voiced at the moment. Seishiro-san caressed his cheek soothingly and Subaru leaned into that gentle touch, closing his eyes, starved for any tiny scrap of affection he could get from the man.
"Subaru... the doctors don't know why you remember things that didn't happen and why you don't remember things that did. They're doing some asinine assumptions but that's not important. What really matters is that we're both alive and you're awake again and that you're coming home with me," Seishiro-san stated, still gentle but firm. Subaru opened his eyes and raised his head again to meet his gaze.
"You... you'll stay with me even if I lost your eye?" he asked timidly, almost hopefully, sounding a lot like the shy sixteen year old he had been... When? It seemed so long ago... so long ago it might as well never have happened...
"Subaru... forget about the eye. The eye doesn't matter, okay?" Seishiro-san told him in the patient tone one would have used to talk with a child. Subaru didn't like it; it was as if Seishiro-san was dismissing such an important matter as pointless... and what in the world could be of more importance than Seishiro-san's eye, the last piece of the man that Subaru had?
"The eye matters," he stated stubbornly, his breathing speeding up. "It was yours... and it was the only thing I had worth living for... and... now... now it's not here anymore and... and I..." He covered his right eye with his hand. "This eye shouldn't be here... no, it's wrong, it..." In his frustration he began piercing his skin with his nails. He felt Seishiro-san immediately taking hold of his wrist and, firmly but gently, moving his hand away from his face before he could seriously scratch himself.
"You'll end up hurting yourself, Subaru..." the man chided him gently but there was a worried note in his voice, a worried note that made that illusion even more precious. He knew Seishiro-san had never worried about him and never would but... but to hear such a concerned tone... even if it was only an illusion... he...
"But no one cares if I do," he pointed out childishly, not really understanding why he'd been stopped. Even if this was merely an illusion... it wasn't supposed to care for him... Seishiro-san never had... Seishiro-san... Seishiro-san rested his hands on Subaru's shoulders, distancing him a bit from himself so that he could look him straight in the eyes.
"I do. Don't hurt yourself, Subaru. Never," the man ordered, looking at him so very seriously that Subaru cringed. He couldn't believe his words, he couldn't believe that Seishiro-san cared for him, but he hadn't meant to make him mad. Seishiro-san however was fast to wrap his arms around him in a comforting hug, pulling Subaru back against his chest and chasing away Subaru's fear. It was such a nice feeling to be in Seishiro-san's arms, such a wonderful feeling but...
"Why do you call me that?" Subaru asked then, weakly, not sure if it was meant to be an intimate form of address or simply a disrespectful one. Or maybe a derogative one. Probably the latter. Seishiro-san blinked in apparently honest confusion.(3)
"What?" he asked.
"Subaru. You call me 'Subaru'," Subaru explained and Seishiro-san looked worried at that.
"Subaru... you do remember that this is your name, don't you?" he asked slowly.
"Yes but you..." Subaru trailed off. 'You never called me just 'Subaru' not even when we were on opposite sides,' he finished in his mind but he didn't feel up for discussing it with Seishiro-san. Right then he really didn't mind if the man had chosen to call him just 'Subaru'. As long as Seishiro-san was going to stay with him, as long as Seishiro-san was going to call him, talk with him, he could call him whatever he liked. However... it was all so confusing... "I don't understand... I'm tired... so tired... Seishiro-san..." he whispered. He was so tired... worn out really... and not just physically, mentally also.
"We'll have to wait for the doctors to give you a last check-up, and then I'll take you home and, once there, you'll be free to rest as much as you like, I promise. For now why don't you..." Seishiro-san began to say, then hesitated a moment before continuing. "Why don't you try to doze a bit while we wait? I can wake you..." Subaru's eyes widened in fright at that suggestion and he clung against Seishiro-san tightly.
"I don't want to sleep!" he stated with a desperate note in his voice. "I don't want to sleep ever again! Don't leave me, Seishiro-san!" Golden eyes widened in surprise, then softened as if in understanding as Seishiro-san smiled gently down at him.
"Subaru... I'll be right here when you awake, I promise. Don't worry..." the man whispered, bending down a little to him. Subaru looked up at him, unsure. It wasn't polite to flat out tell Seishiro-san that he knew he was lying, that he knew he would wake up alone as usual but... Seishiro-san's arms tightened their hold around him and Subaru found himself squirming in search of a more comfortable position, ending up with resting his head on Seishiro-san's shoulder, feeling Seishiro-san's cheek against his forehead, the man nuzzling against him with some satisfaction. Absently Subaru noticed that Seishiro-san needed to shave and the fact seemed so very odd it gave him the impression that the man was real, not just a hallucination. In his mind's eye Seishiro-san had always been nothing less than perfect... now however he was taking note of details that made him less perfect and more 'real'. The need for a shave, the scent of sweat mixing with the one of Seishiro-san's Sakura scented cologne, dark rings around the man's eyes, clothes rumpled and a certain air of confusion as if he was honestly puzzled by many of Subaru's replies... Subaru was sure his imagination couldn't make up so many details...
"Seishiro-san..." he called weakly, wishing he could say something a bit more intelligent and yet unable to do so.
"I'll be here, Subaru, trust me," Seishiro-san replied in that soft, reassuring tone Subaru had loved and still loved so badly. Subaru, of course, knew better than to trust the man but... but since when had he ever been able to deny to Seishiro-san anything? He would have given everything to the man, he had given everything to him, he would keep giving everything to him. If Seishiro-san wanted him to trust him Subaru would do that, even if he knew it was a lie.
Everything.
With a tired sigh he obediently closed his eyes and let himself doze off.
JJ's Notes:
1. There are various causes for memory loss. Medications, alcohol and illicit drug use, stress, depression, head injury, infections, thyroid dysfunction, sleep deprivation, nutritional deficiencies, normal aging, mild cognitive impairment, dementia and so on. Subaru didn't suffer a head injury so the doctors made some other assumptions. Of course the doctors also wondered if it could be stress related due to a suicide attempt but Hokuto refused to consider it. She was sure Subaru would never try to kill himself which is why she didn't report this possibility to Seishiro.
2. With 'everyone that had mattered in that year' are only the ones included that were involved in the battle for the end of the world... and survived it. So Ten no Ryu, Chi no Ryu and respective allies.
3. To call someone just by their name, without any honorific attached shows a great deal of intimacy or a lack of respect. Subaru had been Seishiro's enemy during 1999 so Seishiro could do it because of this but Subaru's fear is Seishiro does it because he doesn't judge him worthy anymore of that politeness... and for whoever doesn't know it, Seishiro was normally very polite, which makes the idea of not being deemed worthy of a honorific even worse in Subaru's eyes.
JJ's Extra Notes:
In the original plan the fic should have been all told from Subaru's point of view to add a touch of mystery to the story. However there were things I wanted the readers to know, so not to feel utterly lost in this new reality Subaru is, things that Subaru was unaware of and so couldn't be told in his point of view, so I decided to let some pieces be in the other characters' point of views. Sadly it reduced a bit the mystery atmosphere but I hope it made the plot more enjoyable.
Subaru is in a rather odd condition. Many, placed in an surrealistic situation, would believe it right as strange as it could be. Subaru's been suffering of hallucinations and dreams by too long time and he's very disillusioned so he doesn't want to believe afraid of being disappointed. However he doesn't want the illusion to end either.
Dictionary:
-chan: Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child
-san: "Mr." or "Mrs."
Chi no Ryu: Dragon of Earth
Onmyoudo: "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based upon the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature
Onmyoujutsu: "Art of Yin and Yang". The ability to use Onmyoudo spells
Sakanagi: "Reverse effect". Backlash of a spell
Sakurazukamori: "Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound". The assassin who uses Onmyoujutsu to kill who threatens Japan
Shirei: Spirit Of A Dead
Ten no Ryu: Dragon of Heaven
Replies to reviews:
To Everyone who reviewed: Thank you! You're a great encouragement for me!
To Amy Levi: I'm glad you like poor, insane Subaru. The poor boy is in a really messy state...
To Dark Angel Of Fire Ice: (blush) Thank you. Surely Subaru's not having a easy life.
To Hatori Soma: Here's a new chapter! So you think that's not a lie:)
To nachan: I'm glad you like this story! I hope the mystery will continue to intrigue you!
To EoEDaD: Well, if it was all happiness and sunshine it won't be much of a plot so yes, Subaru's going to have lot of troubles!
To wraith: I've hidden them in a very secure place... but here there's another!
Send me your comments!