Author: J.J.
Warning: It's an AU BASED ON THE MANGA, it probably contains some OOCness and a bit of sappiness, uses Japanese words (the dictionary is at the bottom) and includes some spoilers...
Notes: Based on the idea that there can't be a Heaven on Earth but that being with your loved one helps a lot...
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo Babylon" and "X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?
Thanks: To Ruth for betaing this! Thank you a lot!
Summary: Poor, mentally unstable Subaru is convinced he's finally been killed off on Judgement Day, when he wakes up again in a hospital and discovers things went radically different from how he remembers them... And when he starts getting used to this new reality weird things start to happen that make him wonder whether it's really him who's having distorted memories or if there's something behind all this...
In the end Subaru and Seishiro didn't talk about their life together on that afternoon. They just remained together in silence, hugging each other until Seishiro-san's gaze fell on his watch and he declared it was almost time for them to have dinner and that he should start preparing it. At the mention of the word 'dinner' Subaru couldn't avoid making a face. He felt even less hungry than at lunch. In fact, he would have preferred dinner entirely. The mere idea of eating again was making him feel nauseous.
He tried, however, to be obedient. He didn't really want to cause trouble and Seishiro-san had always loved eating, especially sweets, and the man had a right to be hungry at that hour. So he let him go prepare dinner, volunteered to help him, and feeling a sense of shame mixed with relief when his offer was turned down (he didn't want to be completely useless but he didn't know how to cook either...) and, once dinner was ready, he attempted to eat it. However, he managed to force down only a couple of bites on his own, chewing them so slowly people might fall asleep waiting for him to finish.
"Subaru... do you need a hand with that?" Seishiro-san asked him after a while in a patient tone. Subaru energetically shook his head and lowered his gaze, refusing to meet the man's eyes. Being fed once had been embarrassing enough. He didn't need to further show what a failure he was to Seishiro-san. However he was startled when the man caressed his hair gently.
"You're not eating properly, Subaru," Seishiro-san pointed out in a tone that sounded... concerned somehow. Subaru winced at his words, perceiving them like a complaint.
"I... I'm sorry, I..." he hurried to say. He would try to do better, he would do everything Seishiro-san wished from him, he...
"Subaru, I'm not reproaching you. I'm just worried," Seishiro-san told him and those words hurt because Subaru wanted so badly for them to be true, wanted so badly to have Seishiro-san worrying about him, even if he had spent most of his life trying to not worry anyone, he truly, honestly wished to have Seishiro-san worrying about him, just him, caring for him, for how he was, for what he did... He bit his lower lip, trying to push back those emotions that were threatening to take control of him. He was stronger than that. He couldn't start to cry again. He wouldn't. He...
He tried to ignore the fact that Seishiro-san sighed and stood up, probably bored with that pointless discussion, and felt totally confused when the man moved behind him and hugged his trembling body, hugged _him_, hugged him from behind as he used to do when Subaru had been a shy teenager and... and... hesitantly Subaru closed his eyes and rested his hands on Seishiro-san's arms, trying to concentrate solely on the feeling of being hugged like that again. He'd missed it so much... Maybe it was all an act, maybe Seishiro-san was merely pretending to care for him, but, as far as Subaru was concerned, he hoped he would keep on pretending as long as Subaru lived.
They spent the rest of the evening on the couch, pretending to watch the television. Despite all his attempts to relax and be natural, Subaru was tense, impossibly tense, and was trying his hardest not to curl up like a child and jump at each noise. Seishiro-san instead seemed perfectly comfortable. Subaru didn't realize the man was doing his best to look nonchalant as he tried to get closer to Subaru without scaring him. Seishiro had realized it had been a mistake to tell Subaru he wasn't eating enough. The boy was such a psychological mess that the tiniest comment that might remotely sound like a reproach made him panic. Oh well, at least he had stopped trembling. Now, if only he could manage to pull Subaru closer... Slowly, so very slowly, Seishiro managed to wrap his arm around Subaru's shoulders and felt instant relief when Subaru just glanced at him, then... leaned against him hesitantly, like a puppy in need of affection. He smiled as he rested his cheek against Subaru's head, enjoying that closeness. It was difficult to handle Subaru while he was in that state and he didn't really have any idea how to act anymore. He had never seen him so scared and confused before. It was... upsetting. It was almost as if Subaru had lost his will to live... He heard Subaru mumbling something, unconsciously clinging to him and leaning against him more and smiled as he noticed the boy had started to doze off.
"Subaru? Subaru," he called and found it adorable how Subaru raised his head to look at him with sleepy green eyes. "Ne, Subaru, it's kind of late, why don't we go to bed?" he suggested. Subaru blinked at his words and Seishiro thought he was so close... so close... and he had missed him so much... that he...
However, before he could do or say something, Subaru's gaze had lowered again.
"I don't know where I sleep..." the boy admitted weakly in an embarrassed whisper. Seishiro felt tempted to groan. Of all the things Subaru could have forgotten this was definitely one of the worst and one that could turn very troublesome if he didn't play his cards well.
"Subaru... don't you remember where you slept before?" he asked, tentatively deciding the best course of action would be to find out what Subaru remembered before saying something that he might take the wrong way.
Subaru's head lowered further and he looked even more embarrassed.
"Your room..." he whispered in such a low tone Seishiro barely heard it.(1) Good. At least Subaru remembered this. One problem solved.
"Well, you can keep sleeping there," Seishiro assured him, seeing absolutely nothing wrong in that. To his displeasure, however, Subaru shook his head.
"I can't. I can't kick you out of your room..." the boy said quietly, as if he had no idea they could share the room and, more importantly, the bed, without any problems. "I'll sleep on the couch," he then volunteered in a firm tone, even if his gaze was still lowered and he didn't really seem satisfied with the solution. Not that Seishiro was going to consider that idea as a satisfying solution either.
"Subaru..." Seishiro began then just stared at the boy. Was it possible that Subaru didn't remember that they had been sleeping together for quite a long while? That he didn't even suspect that they...
Probably, he admitted to himself and had no idea if he found this annoying or cute. Maybe a little of both. Subaru had always been a bit too nave for his own good. It had been something that had amused Seishiro to no end when Subaru had been a teenager in love but totally inexperienced in expressing that love and terminally shy to boot, but now he'd rather do without that trait. Even if yes, it was still very cute that Subaru could be so nave and innocent... impractical but cute... He smiled.
"Silly boy, you can have the room for yourself if that's what you want. It's not like it's the only bedroom in the house. However, Subaru..." he added, pulling him closer and pressing a kiss on the top of his head before continuing. "If you don't mind I would prefer if we were to continue sharing it as before. The bed is spacious enough for two, you know..." he reminded him, trailing off allusively.
"What?" Subaru asked, raising his head to look at him as his eyes widened and he looked like he wasn't sure if he had understood him correctly. He replayed Seishiro-san's words in his mind but they still didn't make sense. Seishiro-san couldn't mean... Okay, so they were living together but surely... Surely... Surely... He lowered his head and blushed deeply for the first time since... since... well, he would be tempted to say since Hokuto-chan's death, but Seishiro-san said she hadn't died so he had no idea when he had stopped blushing. He hugged himself tightly as he reproached himself for that reaction. Surely Seishiro-san was just making fun of him and Subaru was being an idiot in reacting like this. After all, why should Seishiro-san wish to sleep with Subaru? It just would never happen and...
"Subaru... Subaru, don't you remember we did it at all? For real?" Seishiro asked in disbelief, noticing Subaru's reaction. It made no sense. If Subaru remembered sleeping in his room then how could he not remember Seishiro being there as well? The situation didn't improve when Subaru shook his head, refusing to look up at him. He sighed and reminded himself _again_ that it meant nothing, that it wasn't Subaru's fault if he didn't remember, that it was just that he'd been hurt and had been sick and his memory had somehow got messed up. It meant nothing else. Surely it didn't mean Subaru didn't want to sleep with him. It couldn't. It was an idiotic idea and he was being silly for even considering it. Subaru's memory was just messed up and he had to be patient and help Subaru to recover it slowly. Slow. He hated going slow. "Subaru... where do you remember I was sleeping while you were sleeping in my room?" he asked tentatively.
"Tokyo Bay," Subaru whimpered with the same voice he always used when he was going to say that Seishiro was dead, starting to rock himself slightly. Oh well, this explained things then. Evidently for some odd reason Subaru seemed to believe he'd moved into Seishiro's house after Seishiro's death... so, since in Subaru's memories he'd been dead when Subaru was sleeping here, they never had the chance to share a bed. He stroked Subaru's hair gently, as he'd done when Subaru had been a mere child.
"Tokyo Bay doesn't sound very comfortable, Subaru. Can't I stay with you tonight?" he asked in an almost childish voice, holding him close. "I won't bother you, I promise, the worst I'll do will be to hog the blankets or to snuggle close in my sleep," he assured him. Actually he'd like to do much more than that but maybe at the moment it was asking too much.
Subaru didn't reply at first then he simply clung to Seishiro, who decided to consider that as a 'yes' and kissed the top of his head again.
They changed into their nightclothes in two different rooms, with Subaru utterly embarrassed about the whole thing and Seishiro half amused at Subaru's rediscovered shyness, half annoyed at not being allowed to be with Subaru as he undressed. It took a while for Subaru to muster the courage to join him in the bedroom, then he finally entered and decided to slid under the covers, hesitantly, claiming for himself the right side and curling in a tight ball on the edge of the mattress, looking uneasily at Seishiro as if he expected a scolding or to be kicked away in a minute. Seishiro just smiled at him as he joined him in the bed, then told him it wouldn't hurt either of them if Subaru moved closer to the middle of the bed before falling out of it and, when Subaru obeyed reluctantly, he took Subaru's hand into his, holding it firmly. Subaru didn't try to pull it back, on the contrary he slowly wrapped his own fingers around Seishiro's hand. They stared at each other, both careful not to do anything that the other might judge wrong, just holding hands like two shy teenagers. It was a start, Seishiro decided, stroking the back of Subaru's hand with his thumb.
"I'm sorry, Seishiro-san, I just... I don't know... I..." Subaru trailed off, lowering his gaze. To explain he had no idea of what Seishiro might expect him to do was just too embarrassing.
"Well... you might start with calling me just 'Seishiro' again," Seishiro suggested, dragging Subaru's hand closer to himself, hoping Subaru would catch the hint.
"But it wouldn't be polite!" Subaru countered immediately, raising again his eyes. He didn't really know what to do. Seishiro-san was pulling his hand as if to inviting him to get closer and he desperately wanted to get closer but...
"Subaru... I know you don't remember it, but after ten years of living together I think you're allowed not to be so formal," Seishiro-san replied before kissing Subaru's fingers gently and thinking Subaru had always been slow about catching hints...
"I..." Subaru began hesitantly, utterly confused by what Seishiro-san was doing. It didn't seem like he was marking him so... what?
"Subaru, it's very cold tonight. You'd better stay close to me if you don't want to freeze," Seishiro stated, deciding it was completely pointless to try to hope Subaru would catch the hints he was giving him and going for a more direct approach.
Subaru stared at him for a moment, considering to inform Seishiro-san it wasn't 'that cold', then realized that Seishiro-san probably knew that already. Subaru wasn't sixteen anymore. He was still _totally_ inexperienced in those matters and slow in catching hints, but not sixteen anymore and he knew what it could mean to get closer in a bed, he knew and... and it didn't help at all, it only made him more scared of failing expectations, of not knowing how to handle things, of... he froze completely as Seishiro-san moved closer to him, after evidently growing bored of waiting for Subaru to do something.
"It's very late, Subaru. You need rest. You should try to rest," the man told him gently as if guessing his fear. Maybe this was another cruel joke, Subaru thought. Maybe Seishiro-san would break his heart again but... but not right then. Right then he was being gentle and Subaru... Subaru liked it. He loved it. Slowly, so very, very slowly, Subaru slid a bit closer to Seishiro-san as well, and closed his other hand too around the man's hand.
"Promise you won't leave," he asked, knowing he was likely sounding like a five year old and hating himself for it.
"I won't leave you, no matter what," the man assured him, wrapping his free arm around Subaru. Subaru said nothing, he simply dragged Seishiro-san's hand closer so he could rest his cheek against it and closed his eyes. It didn't take long for him to be fast asleep.
Subaru awoke in the middle of the night with a weird sensation of oppression. There was only blackness around him and a large, unmoving body was on top of him, pressing him down. He felt hot and squished. In confusion he tried to free himself, his head still heavy with sleep. It was too dark, he couldn't understand where he was and he didn't really remember where he'd fallen asleep. The body over him... Seishiro-san's body... Seishiro-san's corpse... Seishiro-san... the man wasn't talking... he... he had killed him again... he had... he had... he had...
He wasn't exactly sure of when he started sobbing, panting for breath, he wasn't sure because all he could think was that he had... he had... again he had...
He was so lost in his desperation he didn't realize at first that the corpse had raised itself from him and was talking to him.
"Subaru... Subaru! Are you all right? Was it a nightmare? Was I squishing you? Subaru, talk to me..." the voice that Subaru loved the most asked him as gentle hands moved Subaru's hair away from his sweaty forehead.
"Seishiro-san?" the boy whimpered, staring at what looked like a living Seishiro-san, a living Seishiro-san next to him, over him, caring for him...
"I'm here, Subaru. I'm here," the man assured him and Subaru clung to him as tightly as he could, wrapping both his arms and legs around him as he proceeded to cry his heart out until he fell back into an exhausted and mercifully dreamless sleep. Seishiro held him tightly, rubbing his back soothingly through the whole night.
To be continued...
JJ's Notes:
1. It's a rather popular assumption in the net that when Subaru moved into the Sakurazukamori's home after Seishiro's death, he also moved into Seishiro's bedroom. No idea if it's true but that's what happened in this fic.
JJ's Extra Notes:
No hints about Subaru & Seishiro's past together in this chapter just some more cuddling and domestic life as well as Seishiro's attempts to handle an amnesiac and half insane Subaru, who's trying his best not to be a burden. Of course things would be a lot simpler if they were to sit around a table and just talk but that wouldn't be like them even if, all in all, they are making progress.
Dictionary:
-chan: Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child
-san: "Mr." or "Mrs."
Onmyoudo: "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based on the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature
Onmyoujutsu: "Art of Yin and Yang". The ability to use Onmyoudo spells
Sakurazukamori: "Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound". The assassin who uses Onmyoujutsu to kill whomever threatens Japan
Replies to reviews:
To Everyone who reviewed: Thank you! You're a great encouragement for me!
To laustic: (blushes) I'm happy you love my fics and I hope you will continue to like them!
To kingleby: Seishiro doesn't love much Subaru's grandmother... it will take lot of time for Subaru to get better...
To Francesca Akira89: All your questions will have an answer in future chapters but, as of now, please feel free to try to guess the truth behind those mysteries! And no, Fuma wasn't the Ten no Ryu's Kamui, don't worry.
To Billy: Sadly real life doesn't really let me much time to keep up with the updates. I apologize for the long wait. Poor Subaru wasn't really sane before and what will happen in the future will threaten his balance further... I wouldn't want to be him...
To Zuzanny: I'm happy to know you like this fic and here there's more!
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