Warning: It's an AU BASED ON THE MANGA, it probably contains some OOCness and a bit of sappiness, uses Japanese words (the dictionary is at the bottom) and includes some spoilers...
Notes: Based on the idea that there can't be a Heaven on Earth but that being with your loved one helps a lot...
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo Babylon" and "X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?
Thanks: To Ruth for betaing this! Thank you a lot!
Summary: Poor, mentally unstable Subaru is convinced he's finally been killed off on Judgement Day, when he wakes up again in a hospital and discovers things went radically different from how he remembers them... And when he starts getting used to this new reality weird things start to happen that make him wonder whether it's really him who's having distorted memories or if there's something behind all this...
Seishiro awoke Subaru when lunch was ready. By then he was used to Subaru automatically checking if he was really alive before he was ready to do something else. In fact, only after being reassured that Seishiro wasn't a fragment of his imagination Subaru rose groggily, still looking quite sleepy, one of his hands unconsciously clinging Seishiro's sleeve. Seishiro smiled at him fondly as he led him toward the kitchen and helped him to his chair before sitting down as well. As lunch was served Seishiro caught Subaru glancing at the food Hokuto-chan piled on his plate with distaste, even though the boy didn't complain. Probably he knew his sister just wouldn't listen.
As soon as everything was set Hokuto-chan began chatting happily. Seishiro and Kakyou participated in the discussion. Subaru just raised his eyes from his plate once in a while and lowered them as soon as he noticed someone was looking at him. He didn't really talk, merely replied with nods or shakes if someone were to ask him something as he busied himself trying to rearrange his food on his plate as he had done the day before without really touching it. However, each time Hokuto-chan would notice him doing that, she would reproach him and he would force himself to swallow a bite, just swallow it without savouring or chewing it much. Hokuto-chan started looking at him with concern, her cheerfulness slowly dying away but she was still determined to make him eat and pretend everything was all right. When it became painfully obvious Subaru didn't want to eat anymore Seishiro ordered her to leave him alone.
Even though Hokuto had realized that Subaru really didn't feel like eating any more, her stubborn nature prevented her fromt accepting Sei-chan's words graciously. Subaru needed to eat if he wanted to get better. Not eating was unhealthy and thus, as his big sister, it was her duty to make him eat, and she pointed this to Seishiro-chan out very clearly.
The two began arguing over the topic while Subaru's gaze moved from one to the other as he gave up any pretense of eating at all. He had no idea what to say or do to stop the argument and he felt guilty for causing it in the first place. Then Kakyou too entered the discussion, trying to calm his wife. In his opinion if Subaru-san didn't feel like eating more maybe it wasn't right to force him. He loved Hokuto-chan dearly and owed her more than a man could imagine but she had an overzealous streak and didn't always know what was best for others.
In the middle of the argument Subaru suddenly stood up, excused himself and hurried out of the room. Seishiro sighed, rose as well, told Hokuto-chan to prepare some hot tea and followed Subaru. He found him in the bathroom, curled on the floor. He had probably thrown up and Seishiro mentally cursed himself for not stopping Hokuto-chan sooner. The problem was that he didn't understand Subaru's lack of appetite either and had hoped Hokuto-chan could help and that, if she couldn't, she would at least be the one taking the blame for failing.
"Better now?" he asked, kneeling down next to him. Subaru gave him a quick glance then lowered his eyes again. Seishiro noticed the boy was trembling slightly. Calmly he removed his suit jacket and placed it on Subaru's shoulders then, gently, he began rubbing the boy's back. Subaru sighed and didn't resist when Seishiro drew him closer.
"I'm sorry," Subaru said weakly, resting against Seishiro's chest.
"What for?" Seishiro asked, running his hand through Subaru's hair.
"For being a nuisance. Not remembering. Everything," Subaru summarized burying his face against Seishiro's chest and inhaling the man's scent, trying to keep the memory of it forever in himself. Not that he didn't already have it buried in his memory he just wanted... to make it more precise. He would never grow tired of trying to memorize everything about Seishiro-san. His memory always seemed to be a pale shadow compared to the reality.
"I'm really glad you're back home, Subaru. The rest doesn't matter, you've no reason to feel guilty for not having fully recovered yet," Seishiro-san replied in a quiet whisper right next Subaru's ear as he had done with those words Subaru hadn't understood on Rainbow Bridge and Subaru squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stop the pain from bubbling out of him. Seishiro-san stared at him in silence then passed one of his arms under his leg and another around Subaru's back and picked him up as if he were still a slight teenager. Subaru gasped as he was raised and immediately clung to the man, as if afraid he would be dropped.
"Here, let me take you someplace more comfortable," Seishiro-san said then smiled down at him as he stood up and secured his hold around him. "I'm sure by now your tea should be ready."
Subaru just buried his head against Seishiro-san's shoulder. While being babied by the man he loved and his sister was a wonderful change after the wrecked life he had in the past years it was also a sign of weakness and Subaru had learned by bitter experience that one had to pay for each weakness one showed. Plus, he really didn't want to bother anyone. He only wished to be as inconspicuous as he could and bathe in the warm presence of Seishiro-san and Hokuto-chan, just watching them without having to touch them because he had seen his touch had brought death to them both. He would be happy to just watch them live and be left alone in a corner. Instead the two of them seemed insistent on involving him back in their lives, uncaring of how scared he was of causing them harm, of how he was unable to understand most of what they were expecting from him, of how he was utterly and totally lost, of how there were things he didn't want to do and he didn't care if they thought he had done them before.
It wasn't so unexpected, really.
During The Year, Hokuto-chan and Seishiro-san had done nothing but drag him into one direction or in another, making fun of him and ordering him around. Back then he had been too shy and too polite to simply say 'no'. Years of living alone, trusting and listening to no one had made him less... pliant, less prone to obey.
To be honest Seishiro-san wasn't trying to force him much, but Seishiro-san had always known how to work around him, when to pull and when to let go. Hokuto-chan... in the seventeen years they had been together he had always let her order him around unless it was a work related matter. As she had said to him many times she was the older twin and she knew better. After her last stunt though, the one that had caused her death, Subaru wasn't inclined to agree anymore.
Not only had she forced him to live when all he had wanted after Seishiro-san's betrayal was to curl up and die, but she had forced him to do it alone and with the responsibility of her death resting on his shoulders and, as a last straw, she had given to Seishiro-san the means to use him as suicide weapon.
No, he couldn't trust Hokuto-chan to know better.
He was starting to think that, in truth, she knew nothing about him.
Yet he still wasn't capable to say 'no' to her so he remained silent as he drank the tea she had brought him, listening to her obediently as she gently scolded him for not telling her sooner that he wasn't feeling well, for not taking proper care of his health and things like that, merely wishing he could hide in Seishiro-san's embrace, fall asleep there and stay like that forever.
Between one admonishment and another she decided to inform him of what had caused him to end up in the hospital since Sei-chan, and here she glared at Seishiro-san, hadn't done it.
According to her he had had a stressful week in which, as usual, he had worked too much against her opinion - which made sense to Subaru because that was all he had done for all his life - and, on top of this, he had accepted to do a complex exorcism the day of his birthday, and here Hokuto-chan explained in detail what she thought about him going to work on their birthday and about Seishiro-san letting him do it. Apparently she had planned a small celebration that day, just between the four of them only since no one else was allowed to know Subaru's birthday, but he never showed up at it.
When Hokuto was about to call his pocket bell to have him call her back and give her an explanation about his lateness Sei-chan, who was supposed to come with him, phoned her to inform her that Subaru had managed to exorcise the ghost but he had gotten injured while doing it and so he had taken him to the hospital. Sei-chan could offer her no information about how he had gotten injured since he had joined Subaru only after it had happened and had only found the boy lying unconscious in a pool of blood.
When Hokuto had reached the hospital she had been informed that her brother's heart had stopped for about a minute but after that had started to beat again but Subaru just... hadn't wanted to wake up. He'd been in coma for a week, worrying everyone to no end and now he he'd better take good care of himself because if not...
Subaru stared at her numbly as she told her tale. It made sense and, even if there was something wrong about it, he couldn't exactly grasp what it was. However the point was that it awoke no recollections in him. In his mind he had never done the things she said, all this had never happened, it didn't matter that he had a gash on his right wrist to prove the veracity of her story.
He guessed that the worst part was that, to him, it didn't matter he had been hurt and had ended in coma. As long as he was the one getting hurt and not Seishiro-san or Hokuto-chan everything was fine. He saw Hokuto-chan looking at him with concern, as if she could read his mind and didn't agree with his reasoning at all. He thought he would like to ask her how much she would like to live alone after having caused the death of her sibling and her loved one, then realized he was being unfairly bitter and wished he could curl up and cry. He didn't like what he had become.
Kuzuki-san, Subaru would be forever grateful to the man for his sensitivity, suggested to his wife that maybe it would be better if they were to leave so Subaru could get more rest and quiet.
Hokuto-chan agreed reluctantly. Subaru watched her go fighting mixed emotions. A side of him wanted to cling to her and never again let her out of his sight. Another was horrified at the idea of having Hokuto-chan around, as if he expected to see her drop dead any second. Another... another wanted to be left alone because the normality that having Hokuto-chan around evoked wasn't normal for him anymore, and to see her moving around him was more like having a ghost taunting him than having his sister back. He had wanted to have her back for so long he'd lost count of the time and now that she was back... his mind refused to believe it. His mind refused to believe the whole situation he was in.
It was understandable, in a fashion. Hokuto-chan's image had always lurked in the back of his mind. He had always seen her everywhere, heard her continuously and always had to force himself to remember she wasn't real. He'd done it for so long that now he simply... couldn't believe she was alive, even if he desperately wanted to. He hugged himself and lowered his head, feeling so enormously alone he thought he would drown in his loneliness. He was startled when Seishiro-san hugged him from behind and rested his head on his shoulder affectionately.
"Are you all right?" the man asked, again whispering in his ear. Subaru wished he would stop doing so. Every time Seishiro-san did it he remembered... No, in truth he didn't wish Seishiro-san to stop he just wished he wouldn't remember. If he had to forget his past, why did he have to forget the good things?
"I'm fine," he answered meekly.
"You were always a horrible liar, Subaru," Seishiro-san countered and Subaru felt shame growing inside him. Seishiro-san, however, didn't give him time to sulk for long, startling him out of his self-loathing with a kiss on his cheek. Subaru immediately turned to look at him. Seishiro-san grinned mischievously and Subaru yelped as the man picked him up again, with such ease it implied he was used to carrying Subaru around bridal style.
"Seishiro-san..." Subaru stammered uneasily, not sure of what the man was planning, clinging to Seishiro-san's neck nervously. It didn't matter that Seishiro-san had told him that it was normal for him to kiss Subaru, Subaru couldn't still get used to the feeling no matter how badly he adored it. His mind supplied the not exactly reassuring suggestion that, if they were living together and sleeping together and kissing they might also have been doing 'something else' together... and Subaru felt himself panicking at the thought. It wasn't like he didn't want to do anything more, it was just he had no idea how to handle that 'something more'. Being twenty-five, or twenty-six as Seishiro-san had said, didn't really make him more experienced in the matter than he had been at sixteen.
"Calm down," Seishiro-san told him as he placed him back on the bed while Subaru felt like an idiot for being so embarrassed by the whole situation. "I'm only going to give you a backrub. You look like you could use it," he explained in a reassuring tone. Subaru agreed, nodding slowly yet warily. Somehow Seishiro-san's grin didn't reassure him in the slightest regarding the man's intentions.
That, Subaru decided, had been the most embarrassing backrub in the history of the world. However, it had also felt tremendously good and pleasurable. And it had done wonders to Subaru's mood. Seishiro-san had joked and teased him almost the whole time and yet... it hadn't been like when he was sixteen, light teasing that Subaru mostly failed to understand and a quick retreat on Seishiro-san's part when Subaru finally grasped it, leaving Subaru always unsure if Seishiro-san had meant a word of what he had said. The teasing was still light but more obvious, easier to understand. Subaru had no idea if it was because he was older or because Seishiro-san was more direct, and the man would withdraw only if Subaru was really uncomfortable with it, as if Seishiro-san was testing the ground to see what he was allowed to do and what he wasn't. Subaru had no clear idea how he ended up in the man's arms after the backrub, both of them lying on the bed, and he was enjoying how Seishiro-san was tracing lazy circles on his back or how he was smoothing his short hair gently, rearranging it first in one direction and then in another. It was soothing and it made Subaru drowsy but the thing that confused Subaru the most was how he had worked up the courage to trail his fingers over Seishiro-san's body. Nothing fancy really, just a mere brushing of the tip of his fingers on the man's arm, enjoying the... consistency of it. It felt so real that it might have been real and Subaru, against every rule his good sense dictated, wanted so badly to believe it was real...
He had no idea how long they'd remained there, only that, at a certain point Seishiro-san informed him that it was dinner time. Subaru grimaced.
Before, eating hadn't been a matter over which he had to worry. He did it only when he was about to drop to the ground or when forced by circumstances.
He had never been much of an eater but, after Hokuto-chan's death, things had gone downhill. She had been the one who had always cooked for him and now that she couldn't do it again... he just couldn't bring himself to taste something that hadn't been prepared by her. He knew he couldn't avoid eating forever and so he had searched other ways to eat food, ways that wouldn't remind him of her, like take out or instant food. He had eaten it before, when she was alive, and he could eat it without too many problems afterwards, to keep himself from starving. When he had realized he was eating to keep himself alive he had been disgusted by himself. He was fighting for his self-preservation when Hokuto-chan was dead because of him. Food started to make him nauseous as it always reminded him he was responsible of his sister's death.
Seishiro-san's death had been the last straw.
He started associating it with the man's death too. Everything red reminded him of the man's blood, everything warm reminded him of the man's warmth, everything solid reminded him of his hand going through Seishiro-san and all made him feel like he was eating a person and not food. Destroying something so he would live.
In the month after Seishiro-san's death, a month that was mercifully blurry in his mind, he ate as little as possible and threw up most of it.
Now... now Seishiro-san and Hokuto-chan were alive, which made things marginally better but... but food still tasted and looked the same, like a rotting corpse he had killed with his bare hands.
"Just a small portion, Subaru," Seishiro-san told him as if reading his thoughts. "I won't get you to be sick again," he assured.
"I don't like to eat," Subaru whimpered childishly, hating himself for it. He felt Seishiro-san's lips brushing his forehead.
"Just a tiny bit, Subaru. Do it just for me, okay?" the man asked and Subaru wondered if Seishiro-san knew that he wasn't able to deny him anything. Probably he did. He shrugged and turned his gaze away, not pleased with himself. He didn't want to be so weak in front of Seishiro-san.
"Thank you," the man replied softly. "Now... what do you prefer? There's what your sister left..." he said unenthusiastically. "Or I could make you something..." he suggested in an almost inviting manner. Subaru turned to look at him. Somehow it seemed like Seishiro-san didn't want him to choose his sister's food. Actually Subaru didn't want to choose it either. Hokuto-chan's cooking was ten times better than Seishiro-san's but to have Seishiro-san cooking for him was priceless to Subaru. However...
"I don't want to trouble you..." he said quietly.
"Subaru... you don't trouble me at all," the man assured. "Never doubt that. I'll be happy to cook for you. I'd be happy to be the only one who can cook for you," he added and somehow in the way he said it, he seemed to imply he wanted to be the only one who could do things for Subaru, on which Subaru could depend and the idea caused Subaru to flush in embarrassment and feel strangely warm inside. It was nice somehow.
"Can we... can we eat Hokuto-chan's food another day?" he asked hesitantly. Seishiro grinned and hugged him enthusiastically like a child and that felt good too.
"Sure! I'll prepare you your favourite dish, don't worry! You'll love it!" the man replied sounding... well, happy, Subaru thought. Subaru chose not to mention that what Hokuto-chan had cooked was his favourite dish and that Seishiro-san had also prepared it the day before, so basically he'd always been eating the same thing since he'd left the hospital. He didn't mind, really. If he could do something that would please Seishiro-san he would do it without a second thought. If cooking for him made Seishiro-san happy... Subaru would never again eat food cooked by anyone else.
Dinner was uneventful but... went smoother. Seishiro-san did his best to cheer him up with stories and jokes and somehow that evening the food tasted less like corpses and more like food. The portion Subaru ate was still tremendously small but he wasted a lot less time just staring at it or rearranging it even if Subaru hadn't realized it. He tried to help Seishiro-san to clean up after they had finished eating but was told it was unnecessary and to go rest in the living room since he was still reconvalescent and Subaru, although not happy to be sent in a room other than the one Seishiro-san was in, obeyed without question.
It was as soon as he reached the living room that it happened.
The phone rang, its sound cutting the air clearly, like a gunshot, or at least it felt that way to Subaru. Before leaving Hokuto-chan had connected it again and now the phone was ringing. Subaru stared at it as it made its first ring as if it were a time bomb. Then, wishing only to stop it because it made him inexplicably anxious and generally ruined Seishiro-san's mood, he picked it up, uncaring of the fact it wasn't a very polite thing to do since, in his mind, that was Seishiro-san's phone only and not his.
"Hello?" he said hesitantly.
"Who are you?" a voice asked him suspiciously from the other side of the phone, as if to remind him he wasn't supposed to answer it, that nobody would call that number to talk with him. The voice sounded familiar and yet... it was not.
"Subaru," he answered weakly, sounding like a scolded child.
"You're not him," the voice stated firmly. Angrily. "Don't even try to lie on this."
"I'm Subaru, Sumeragi Subaru," he repeated, confused. His name was one of the few things he was sure about so why was the voice telling him he was lying?
"Sumeragi Subaru's dead," the voice spat coldly. "Who are you? Impostor!" it screamed. "Liar! Who are you? Who the hell are you?"
"I'm not a liar!" he protested helplessly but the voice didn't seem to plan to stop yelling at him and he didn't really know what to do when Seishiro-san came and ripped the receiver away from him, leaving Subaru to stare at him in confusion.
"Who the hell are you?" the man questioned angrily speaking through the receiver but it looked like, as soon as he had spoken, the communication had been cut. Subaru saw Seishiro-san placing the receiver back on its cradle and disconnecting the phone again, muttering 'cursed thing' under his breath before turning toward Subaru. Subaru shrunk back as he saw his angry stare, hugging himself and feeling guilty and confused.
"Am I dead?" he asked anyway. He needed to know. "Am I a wandering ghost?" Seishiro-san's expression softened and the man drew him closer, trapping him in a tight embrace.
"No, you're not. You're not dead. You're alive, I'm alive and that guy was just some maniac with a twisted sense of humour," the man assured him. Subaru couldn't find reassurance in his words. Maybe that world he was in wasn't real, maybe it was all an elaborate dream, but he didn't want to be exiled from it just because he was dead. He wanted to stay with Seishiro-san. It was all he wanted. He needed to stay with Seishiro-san or he would grow mad if he wasn't already, he was sure of that.
He didn't remember well what had happened afterwards, except that he had kept clinging to Seishiro-san, asking him continuously not to be sent away and not finding any reassurance in the man's promises they would stay together and that no, Subaru wasn't a wandering ghost in need of being exorcised. After all Seishiro-san had lied to him many times, why should this be different?
When Seishiro-san dragged him back to bed, Subaru still clinging to him and still repeating his litany, and made him lie down Subaru realized he was exhausted, more in his mind and soul than in his body and was very grateful when Seishiro-san drew him into his arms and kept him there. Under the covers, in Seishiro-san's embrace, the man's arms wrapped around his shoulders, Seishiro-san's cheek resting on top of Subaru's head as Subaru buried his face against Seishiro-san's chest, clinging to him with all his might while their legs intertwined so that they couldn't be parted, he felt safe, sheltered, owned. Like this he felt like he was Seishiro-san's and the man wouldn't let go of him. Like this he could hope they would stay together.
Forever.
To be continued...
JJ's Extra Notes:
Yes, Subaru is a mess. No discussions about this. You'll see in future chapters if he manages to recover or if he will get even worse.
Astute readers might have noticed that this chapter gives you some hints about past happenings while Subaru gets to know the one playing prank calls. Sort of. It didn't really make things better for him. As usual, feel free to try to guess what has caused the situation Subaru is in and please, let me know your ideas!
Dictionary:
-chan: Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child
-san: "Mr." or "Mrs."
Replies to reviews:
To laustic: Seishiro and Kakyou can't really stand to each other that much. Kakyou considers Seishiro the most selfish brat ever and a treath to the one he held dear (Hokuto). Seishiro merely considers Kakyou a nuisance he could do without and therefore wouldn't really mind killing him. Poor Subaru isn't doing very well, though Seishiro's trying to help... his own way, of course...
To Princess Sin: Seishiro and Kakyou have some knowledge readers (and Subaru) don't have yet, though they don't know it all. Well, the story wouldn't be a mystery if it didn't have many twists and turns. So far the only thing I can tell you is that if this is a dream, Subaru had dreamed up his whole life starting from age 9... Sorry, I know that's not much as hint...
To Zuzanny: Seishiro would have liked to progress much faster but he'd realized if he were to jump on Subaru he would probably do more harm than good... after all, that's the second time he's doing the courting and know with Subaru he needs to go slow... Subaru will need some time to accept this new reality. It plainly didn't make sense to him and he knows very little of it so he doesn't feel like he fits in it.
To Dark Angel Of Fire Ice: He wouldn't be Seishiro if he weren't guilty of something now, would he? I'm glad you liked the previous chapter... BTW is there a chance we'll see a new chap of 'Predator, Prey, Possession'? It was such a good fic and it had me so intrigued and it's really a lot of time from the last update...
To Anon: I'm happy you enjoy my stories! I'll try to stick with this fandom as long as I can, though real life is slowing me down a lot...
To kingleby: Well, Seishiro is a troublemaker... ;)
To Satoshistar7: Thank you! Here there's the update!
To Billy: No, I haven't abandoned this fic, though I'm being slow in updating it... I'm glad you like it!
To Behan: WOW, I so love your reviews! Subaru won't stay dependant from Seishiro forever but he still has a long way coming before he'll manage to stand on his own. At the moment he's not coping well with the situation that's worning him out. As soon as he'll manage to get some confidence with it he'll start making his own decisions (Seishiro's not really looking forward to this... he likes more to have Subaru depending on him...). Seishiro's lips are sealed on what he did and he has a good reason for this. To cheer you up I'll say Kakyou doesn't fully know what had happened, just tiny bits. Well, Hokuto is trying to do what she thinks is best for Subaru... She's not really that good at it though... She didn't know Seishiro and Subaru were having a romantic moment or she would have waited a little before entering... (She's not THAT evil... though maybe she would have had fun interrupting Seishiro had she know what was going on... the two of them have their own little way to tease each other...) what's for sure is she's not fully trusting Subaru's well being in Seishiro's hands. More hints to guess what Seishiro meant will be given in the future... and in the future chapters you'll get a retelling of how their life went according to Seishiro so this should clear up some things!
To Hellcat81: Well, things will be slowly explained since this fic has a slow pace. Subaru fought in the battle in 1999 but things went differently. It'll take a while before you'll find out who was on the phone. There's no sakura tree in this fic. I know its existence is a popular fancanon (so popula some consider it canon) but, being a fancanon I'm not particularly fond of, I didn't include any sentient sakura fic in this story so Subaru can't really go to him to ask explanation.
Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!
Send me your comments!