Author: J.J.
Warning: It's an AU BASED ON THE MANGA, it probably contains some OOCness and a bit of sappiness, uses Japanese words (the dictionary is at the bottom) and includes some spoilers...
Notes: Based on the idea that there can't be a Heaven on Earth but that being with your loved one helps a lot...
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo Babylon" and "X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?
Thanks: To Ruth for betaing this! Thank you a lot!
Summary: Poor, mentally unstable Subaru is convinced he's finally been killed off on Judgement Day, when he wakes up again in a hospital and discovers things went radically different from how he remembers them... And when he starts getting used to this new reality weird things start to happen that make him wonder whether it's really him who's having distorted memories or if there's something behind all this...
In his own way Subaru was trying to get used to that new life that, at least, allowed him to have back the two persons he had loved the most. Sometimes he wondered why it was so hard for him. It should be easy to live a happy life in which Hokuto-chan and Seishiro-san were alive and Seishiro-san loved him.
In truth he thought he knew why he couldn't get used to it. He was so afraid to shatter that tiny corner of paradise with a wrong move that he didn't really dare to move in it, that he actually found it difficult to take a breath. Seishiro-san was being very patient with him, which made him even more nervous because he felt guilty for bothering him and being unable to be who the man wanted him to be or give him what he wanted. Plus he didn't know if he was more afraid of Seishiro-san dying in front of him all of sudden - maybe because he would unconsciously trigger Hokuto-chan's damned spell a second time - or of him returning to considering him an object and abandoning him again.
Hokuto-chan would visit them any chance she had. Although happy to see his sister, Subaru also hated those visits because he always expected Hokuto-chan and Seishiro-san to try and kill each other again. Each time they were too close... he kept seeing Hokuto-chan dying and Seishiro-san being cursed which caused him to feel sick afterward. He had no idea how to explain this to either of them and he felt bad for causing them to worry about him due to this.
At least there had been no further scary phone calls, actually there had been no phone calls at all, but that was probably because Seishiro-san had requested for their phone number to be changed. Subaru was sure that wouldn't be enough to stop the culprit, though he couldn't explain why he was so sure about it, but Seishiro-san didn't want to talk about it at all and so Subaru didn't either.
The worst part of that life were the dreams. Nightmares about his previous life. Some of them... some of them he could bear. Sort of. They would wake him up but he would manage to deal with them. Kind of. The ones in which Seishiro-san and Hokuto-chan died and that plagued him at least once each night... those he could not.
Subaru would wake up with that memory still fresh in his mind, usually with Seishiro-san lying all over him (because Seishiro-san somehow always ended up sleeping on him, no matter how much free space in the bed Subaru was trying to leave him), his head resting on Subaru's chest and his arms around Subaru's body, and he would be reminded of the last time he had the man's weight resting against him, of his hand through Seishiro-san's chest, of the smell of the blood, of the cold air, of the sound of water under them, of the mist, of the hard concrete on which they were, of his soul shattering, and would quickly free himself from Seishiro-san's grasp and leave the room before going into hysterics or becoming sick. More often than not he would get sick anyway but, so far, he didn't think Seishiro-san had ever found out, and that was fine with Subaru.
He wasn't sure though. Most of what happened after those dreams was hazy.
All he knew was that Seishiro-san would always come get him and take him back to bed... or at least he assumed so, because among the few clear memories he had of those moments that weren't of his nightmare there was the one of being back in the bed with Seishiro-san cuddling and coddling him until he would calm down, feel marginally better and manage to fall asleep again.
In the morning most of what had happened to him would be forgotten, or to be more precise, not so much forgotten as placed in the farthest corner of his mind and he would refuse to answer any question Seishiro-san would ask about it. This seemed to displease Seishiro-san who, for some weird reason of his own, wanted to talk about it but Subaru... just didn't feel ready to discuss what he desperately wanted to forget.
It didn't help that he was tired and, often, his head also ached. He would often end up dozing off, although he tried not to. At least, Seishiro-san wouldn't get mad at him for this, on the contrary, if Subaru fell asleep in some uncomfortable place he would move him to the bed or the couch, careful not to wake him up and would cover him with a blanket as well. Most of the times Subaru would wake up discovering he'd slept with his head in Seishiro-san's lap, Seishiro-san's hand still caressing his hair, or while leaning against the man's shoulder or his chest, Seishiro-san's arms usually wrapped around him.
Somehow, during the day his sleep was quieter, less nightmare filled, probably because the sun hadn't shone during the two most nightmarish things that had happened to him.
On a positive note he ate more than before now. At least, to him it seemed like a lot more, but in truth it was only a little more and it was only due to Seishiro-san's patient insistence and care that he had managed to make some progress. He wouldn't be overly pushy though but Subaru had figured out that somehow it was important for Seishiro-san to have Subaru eat what he cooked and... to like it also so... he was trying. He wanted to make Seishiro-san happy, after all.
Also, the wound on his wrist was completely healed. Now only a scar remained. Subaru still couldn't remember how he got the injury in the first place. As far as he knew he never got it but then, as far as he knew he should have had a huge scar on his stomach too and instead there wasn't even a scratch. It was comforting somehow, it seemed proof that reality was... well, real. When Seishiro-san wasn't looking sometimes he would poke at the scar, feeling an odd fascination for it, as if it had a deeper meaning. He'd been told he got it while on a job but it seemed... different from the you would get from a Kamaitachi. Maybe the spirit had power enough to use something else? Subaru had no idea, he didn't know what kind of spirit he had faced and, anyway, he wasn't an expert in wounds and so, he couldn't say exactly what was so different about that wound.
Seishiro-san had tried to encourage him to spend the time in which he was awake trying to familiarize himself with the house, since Subaru still felt very much out of place in it and, basically, didn't dare to touch anything without being prompted to.
Even the photo album he had noticed between some Onmyoudo books the previous day... His fingers had wandered toward it, going so far as to brush its cover but he hadn't dared to pick it up. He had been curious to see it, he remembered how Hokuto-chan had told him that 'Seishiro-san had the best pictures' but he also wasn't sure if he wanted to know what was inside, if he wanted to see more photos of that smiling stranger that shared his face and his name. Besides he had no idea if he was allowed to look at it and he didn't dare to ask to Seishiro-san for permission. Photos were a private thing and maybe Seishiro-san didn't feel like sharing them with him.
So, rather than getting familiar with the house, he actually spent most of his time watching Seishiro-san and trying to be inconspicuous doing it. He was anything but inconspicuous but, so far, Seishiro-san hadn't complained or let Subaru know he had noticed Subaru was staring at him, so Subaru continued doing it any chance he got.
He never had the time to get to know Seishiro-san well before.
Their first meeting had taken place when he had been a child and he had forgotten most of it.
During the year of the bet he had work to take care of and Hokuto-chan's teasing and his shy nature kept him from trying to get close to the man at all, even when he had wanted to.
In 1999 he saw him two times only. The first was in front of the Sunshine building, the second... He refused to think about the second time the best he could or he would go mad.
All Subaru was asking for was to be allowed to be with Seishiro-san, to get to know him, to mean something to him, to make him happy and yet he knew that, at the moment, he was more of a burden than anything else. He knew he had to learn to do better. Only he had no idea how.
He wasn't even sure how to handle the situation when the man was being... affectionate towards him, for crying out loud!
Not that he disliked it, actually Subaru loved and wanted it very much but he somehow also dreaded these moments. He didn't know how to deal with anything that was more than just a hug. Not only did it feel awkward, it was more that, living as he was, constantly fearing he would lose Seishiro-san again, the idea of learning to love the man even more than he already did, to tie himself to him even tighter and then being abandoned a second time... He... he didn't think he could bear that. He desperately hoped Seishiro-san wouldn't notice any of that, neither his wish to be close nor his wish to keep distant, all the while not knowing which one was worse.
All in all, he felt lost and very alone, which was really ironic considering now he wasn't alone anymore but maybe he wasn't destined to be happy, not even when his life wasn't completely ruined by the loss of the ones he loved.
So night came again and with it another nightmare that caused Subaru to awake all of sudden, panting and trembling with tears falling silently from his eyes because Seishiro-san was dying on him. Seishiro-san was dying on him and there was nothing, nothing he could do to save the man and it was all his fault and...
He forced himself not to panic when he began to become aware of the weight of the man still draped over him as he slowly, ever so slowly, moved his trembling hand to Seishiro-san's neck to check his pulse. Yes, he realized, he could feel it, the steady beating of the man's heart and... and Seishiro-san's breath was tickling his arm so that meant...
Alive, alive, alive... he was alive...
He closed his eyes, trying not to begin to sob loudly, trying not to bother Seishiro-san's sleep and heard it again, heard again the horrible sound of his hand going through the man's chest, felt the stickiness of blood on his fingers, its scent permeating the air and...
He slid out from Seishiro-san's hold as quietly and as fast as possible, knowing he was very close to throwing up right then and ran to the bathroom. He threw up as silently as he could which wasn't very but he hoped he'd been quiet enough so as not to wake up Seishiro-san. He felt horrible and dizzy and both his stomach and head were hurting but he was used to it. He was used to pain. It reminded him he was alive. For years he had hated that reminder and had borne the pain as a punishment for it. Now he suffered it as the price for being with his sister and the man he loved, a price he paid gladly without a single complaint. It was fine that he was in pain if that meant he could be with Seishiro-san and Hokuto-chan.
Hoping to clear his mind - the world always felt horribly fuzzy and unstable after he had felt sick - he washed his face and, by mistake, ended up looking in the mirror. It was a mistake, one he always did his best to avoid.
He hated his mirror image.
Actually, he hated himself but he couldn't see himself unless he looked into a mirror so he could normally deal with his self-hate in an acceptable manner. When he was seeing himself into a mirror... the moment he saw again those two perfectly green eyes instead of one green and one golden one he was reminded of the fact he had lost Seishiro-san's eye - even if he still couldn't figure how and despite everything suggesting he actually never had it in the first place. His memories assaulted him, drowned him, began to clash again with what he'd been told his life was, and it made no sense, he knew what his past had been like, he knew Hokuto-chan was dead, Seishiro-san was dead, he knew he'd gotten Seishiro-san's eye, he knew he'd been stabbed... Not that he wanted all this to have happened, all this to be real, but he knew, he knew and it made no sense and was he mad? Was he mad? Or was he merely hallucinating? Was all this real or were his memories real? The world was spinning, blurring in front of his eyes and there was a noise in his head and it hurt and all this made no sense, it made no sense and he hated himself, he hated his mirror image that was him and yet wasn't and he acted without stopping to think and his fist connected to the mirror immediately shattering it.
The world seemed to come to a screeching halt at that and the only sounds he could heard were his panting breath and the loud beating of his heart as cold sweat condensed on his skin and began to trail down slowly. He felt cold and there was a sharp pain located in his hand and a bad aftertaste in his mouth and his stomach still felt upset and his whole body hurt and he felt worn out as if he'd been running non stop for centuries.
He blinked and looked around, feeling unsure of his surroundings all of sudden. That... that was Seishiro-san's bathroom... and he... he was wearing the pyjamas Seishiro-san had given to him, saying they belonged to him though Subaru couldn't remember buying them and... the mirror... it was broken, it was his fault, he'd broken Seishiro-san's mirror, he'd broken Seishiro-san's expensive mirror, what had he been thinking? The world swayed again as his knees gave away and he lost his balance. He slid down onto the floor, feeling desperation bubble up inside him.
He'd made a mess. He broke Seishiro-san's mirror. He was a nuisance, maybe he was insane, surely he wasn't the Subaru Seishiro-san wanted. Seishiro-san wouldn't let him stay in that house any longer, he just knew it. He tried to swallow a sob and failed as he lowered his head and curled up on himself, still trying to hold back his sobs and unable to, totally unable to do something more than sitting there and just crying his heart out as he hugged himself as if that was enough to stop him from going to pieces.
When Seishiro awoke and found himself in bed alone _again_ he rolled his eyes and swore next time he would tie Subaru to the bed. Subaru just couldn't keep on leaving in the middle of the night for no good reason at all.
He got up and went looking for him, frowning as he noticed the boy wasn't in his usual spot on the couch. Subaru wouldn't have tried to leave the house, would he? Not in the middle of the night, not without a good reason, no, he must still be inside so where...
He got his answer as soon as he heard some quiet sobbing from the half open door of the bathroom and noted the light inside was on. Damn, what in the world had happened now, he wondered as he moved to get in.
"Subaru? Is everything all right?" he asked, entering the room and he realized it was really a stupid question when he saw Subaru was babbling nonsense while sitting on the floor surrounded by the mirror shards, his feet naked, all curled on himself, trembling slightly as he sobbed. His face was drained of most of its colour while the blood from the cuts on his right hand was dripping carelessly on the floor.
No, it was evident nothing was all right but that wasn't the moment to waste time with questions. He needed to take Subaru away from that place before he would cut himself further with the shards of glass all around him. He had to take him to a warmer place where he could take care of the cuts on his hand.
"Subaru? Here, it's all right, let me take you away," he said gently as he knelt next to him and tried to pick him up carefully. At first Subaru didn't even seem to realize his presence then he jerked away from him instinctively, looking at him with scared wide eyes. "It's all right, Subaru, it's just me," he assured him as he slowly managed to pick him up. Subaru didn't try to move away again, actually he just went completely still as he stared at Seishiro, panting for breath, shuddering. "It's all right, Subaru, it's all right. It's just me; you've got nothing to worry about."
"Seishiro-san?" the boy said, looking up at him anxiously as if he recognized him only now.
"Yes, it's me. It's all right, Subaru," he told him again, cuddling him even closer as he carried him back to the bedroom.
"Seishiro-san," repeated before curling against him, clinging to him the best he could and beginning to murmur apologies, most of which did not make sense, apart for the ones about the broken mirror and the damn eye again! Seishiro swore to himself he would never, _NEVER_ give to Subaru something that remotely resembled an eye for the rest of his life.
As soon as he put Subaru down on the bed Seishiro had to untangle himself from the boy's convulsed grip to pull off of his sweat-soaked shirt and make him wear a much warmer one. Then he left him for a moment to get the band aid kit.
When he returned Subaru was curled on the bed crying hysterically and begging to be forgiven. Sighing, Seishiro sat down next to him, doing his best to calm him and wondering what in the world could have caused this. He'd been hoping they were past this stage and had no idea what could have caused Subaru to slip back into this but this time he planned to get some answers as soon as Subaru was rational again. It was bad enough Subaru would get up every night but wandering around the house, hurting himself and then breaking down like this... well, this required him to do something. However, to even marginally calm down Subaru took a while and he found himself bandaging Subaru's hand while holding him in his arms, which wasn't exactly making things easy. He kept on holding him even after his hand had been taken care of, stroking his back soothingly and whispering reassurances softly, feeling as if Subaru had regressed to being a child. However, even when he was in this state, it was still nice to have him in his arms, sniffling slightly and snuggling against him as if asking for Seishiro's protection. He kept on comforting him, not asking any questions until the boy finally managed to stop crying and seemed calm and rational enough to offer some sort of explanation.
"Subaru... I'm not mad, really, and I promise I won't get angry no matter what but I'd like to know what caused this," he asked caressing gently the boy's dark hair. "I need to know what happened," he insisted. Subaru seemed to grow anxious again at that and Seishiro held him tighter against himself. "It's all right. Just tell me. You're my precious Subaru; I swear I won't get mad at you." It took a while but in the end Subaru finally tried to offer some explanations but the story he told wasn't fully coherent.
According to Subaru Seishiro had died again, then the bridge crashed and Subaru opened his eyes but Seishiro was still lying on him, only he wasn't dead and that was good, but Subaru couldn't stay there or Seishiro would die again and 'it' was looking at him from the mirror and 'it' had lost Seishiro-san's eye and it was all 'its' fault and he hated 'it' and the world was spinning and Subaru was so sorry, so very sorry and... and... and Seishiro stopped him, resting his finger on Subaru's lips and assured him again that everything was okay and he had no reason to worry about it because really, Seishiro wasn't angry, not even a little. Then, as he resumed cuddling Subaru he tried to make sense of the boy's explanation.
He assumed Subaru had had a bad dream about him dying again, had panicked as usual and left. Seishiro had noticed Subaru's hate for mirrors and how the boy always avoided looking at them so it wasn't really surprising Subaru had ended up shattering one while he was so distressed. It made sense but somehow Subaru felt the need to continue apologizing for it.
Seishiro tried not to sigh as he explained again that he didn't care about the mirror, actually he had never cared much for it at all and that he didn't mind at all if Subaru had caused him to wake up in the middle of the night, actually it wasn't even Subaru's fault if he'd woken up and no, he didn't care about the blood on the covers since they needed to be washed anyway and could Subaru please stop apologising? He ended up asking when he really couldn't bear that situation any longer. Subaru obeyed but the action only caused him to remain silent and miserable which wasn't what Seishiro wanted.
"It's okay," he assured him. "Really, it's okay. Though you don't really look well, Subaru. You're not coming down with a cold, are you?" he asked in a joking tone, though he knew part of Subaru's hysteric behaviour was probably caused by the boy suffering from sleep deprivation. Subaru shook his head at Seishiro's question but, after some more careful prodding, Seishiro managed to have the boy admit he had felt a little sick before, though Subaru hurried to assure him he was fine now. Mostly. Sort of.
Subaru didn't sound convincing at all and looked anything but fine but Seishiro decided it would do no good to start a discussion so he just offered to get him something hot to drink as he tried to persuade him to get under the covers. Subaru clung to his arm desperately, insisting he really was fine and that he needed nothing and could Seishiro-san please, please, not leave? In the end Seishiro agreed which seemed to calm Subaru who finally let himself be put to bed but as soon as Seishiro slid under the covers next to him the boy curled himself on his side, as far from him as possible and turned his back to him. Seishiro didn't particularly like that. Even when they'd started living together Subaru hadn't kept himself that distant but from the moment he got back home from the hospital Subaru had made a point of staying as far as possible from him when they were in the same bed together.
"Are you angry at me, Subaru?" he asked in a tired tone and the boy shook his head energetically, without turning. "So what's the problem?"
"You don't have to be nice to me," the boy whispered. Seishiro wrapped his arm around him and pulled him close, a bit forcefully, until Subaru was resting against his chest, then he raised himself as much as he needed to be over him without resting on him, leaning his weight on his forearm.
"Why is that?" he asked in a calm tone, making sure not to sound angry or annoyed, but firmly decided in facing that topic. He had tried to give Subaru time but he was beginning to think that there were things they had to discuss and the longer they waited the worse it would be. Subaru didn't reply, just curled up more on himself. He was cute, really, which made it harder not to give in and let him have his own way. He couldn't avoid smiling and caressing his hair though. "Subaru, have you considered that, maybe, no one is forcing me and I want to be nice to you?" he asked in a gentler manner.
"Why should you?" the boy asked in an almost fearful tone as if expecting some horrible reason lurking behind Seishiro's kindness.
"Subaru, do you love me?" Seishiro asked instead of replying. Subaru nodded firmly.
"That's why," he replied smiling and tapped Subaru's nose but it didn't seem like Subaru understood and this made Seishiro wonder. "Ne, Subaru, don't you remember me being gentle with you before you awoke in the hospital?" The boy hesitated a moment before answering with a tiny nod, his mouth setting into a tight line as he curled up even more which, Seishiro knew, wasn't a good sign. He bent a little more over him so as to be even closer and caressed his cheek gently. "Why do I have the feeling you think me being gentle with you was a bad thing?"
"I..." Subaru began, wetting his lips and looking like he was making an effort to force the words out, his voice barely a whisper. "You said... I..." he tried again, then babbled a string of sentences that Seishiro completely missed, no matter how much he strained to hear them. Finally Subaru continued in a somewhat more understandable manner. "... Was fake. You... you had to do it because of the bet... the bet ended... you said... you don't care... anymore... I... glass cup... you said I'm like a glass cup... you don't care... shatter..." The rest became incomprehensible as Subaru began biting his lower lip in an effort not to start crying again, his shoulders shaking.
"It's all right. Subaru, it's all right, of course I care about you, it's all right," Seishiro assured him as he turned him around, pulled him into his arms and hugged him tightly. Subaru clung back to him, even tighter, trying hard not to start crying again, without much success. He buried his face against Seishiro-san's chest in a pitiful attempt to at least suppress his sobs. He couldn't, really. He had been keeping too many things bottled up inside himself for far too long and he was too scared and worn out to manage to suppress his pain any further. He felt Seishiro-san caressing his hair gently as he held him close and somehow this made it harder to control himself. He cried, he had no idea for how long, he cried until he was completely worn out and had no more tears to shed and could only lie there, in Seishiro-san's arms, letting himself be cuddled and feeling oddly a little better as if crying so much had helped somehow.
"Better?" the man asked him.
"I... I'm sorry, I..." he began to apologize when he felt one of Seishiro-san's fingers on his lips.
"It's all right, Subaru, it's all right," the man assured him, still cuddling him. "You did nothing wrong, Subaru, it's just that your memories are all messed up. Maybe I shouldn't have let this slide for so long but now I'll explain everything to you so you've nothing to worry about," he promised. Subaru merely snuggled closer without attempting to look up at him. Seishiro felt like sighing. Subaru acted as if he couldn't believe a simple explanation would fix things. Seishiro had understood little of what Subaru had tried to explain but according to the little he got from his tale Subaru believed he had been used and betrayed and who would trust someone who had used and betrayed him? Who? Who would love someone who had used and betrayed him? Who?
"Ne, Subaru... you do love me, don't you?" he asked again though he wasn't exactly sure why. Subaru nodded without hesitation, even though he avoided looking at him, as he had used to do when he was younger, his face still hidden against Seishiro's chest. Seishiro smiled and kissed the top of his head. "That's good," he commented. "Now don't worry and just listen me, okay?" he asked and Subaru nodded a second time. "Good boy. Now let's explain the important details a little better. For starters... your memory isn't completely wrong. We made a bet when we first met," he began explaining and felt Subaru tense immediately at that. "Calm down, it was really innocuous enough. Kind of. You see, I've no idea how but, back then, you managed to get into my Maboroshi while I was... finishing a job. You remember what I do for a living, don't you? My family's job." Subaru nodded again, his hold around him tightening before whispering Seishiro's title with a small voice. Seishiro smiled and stroked his hair commenting 'Good boy'. He knew Subaru had never coped well with Seishiro's job and, evidently, his messed up memories didn't change this but, at least, he remembered it and Seishiro wouldn't have to go through the pain of explaining that to him.
"Well, to make a long story short back then you told me it was wrong to kill people because someone else would be sad. I told you that this wasn't true for everyone. For people who are alone, who are mean, for those who have no one to feel sad at their demise. You, as the stubborn yet adorable child you were, insisted even these kind of people had someone. I said no one would care if I were to die. Some would even consider it a blessing but you replied you wouldn't. You said you cared for me - no matter that we had just met, who I was and what I had just done - and that you would be sad if I were to die. I... I didn't believe you, to be honest. I thought you said that because you were scared, because you were hoping this would allow you to escape from me so I said I would bet you couldn't care for me despite your words. That, once out of my Maboroshi or after some time, you would change your mind." Seishiro smiled down at him, a rather fond smile. "You... you were really a _very_ stubborn child back then and so... so I let you go just with the promise you would never talk of what you had seen in my Maboroshi. I was curious to see if you were really able to do something like caring for the Sakurazukamori." Seishiro paused and stared at him. "You were. You were the only one able to do so without asking for anything in return. It was nice. Very," he commented and for a moment his gaze was lost far away in the past. "So very nice I decided I wanted to keep you for me, just for me. I still want it. I will never let you leave me, Subaru," he stated. "_Never_," he repeated in his most definitive and final tone, arms clenching tightly around Subaru.
"I don't want to leave," Subaru replied simply, looking at him in confusion. Seishiro-san's story didn't awake any recollection in him, though it was a lot nicer than what he remembered but the thing that confused him the most was how Seishiro-san seemed to imply Subaru might wish to leave him when Subaru _knew_ he would go insane without him around.
"Then everything is fine, isn't it? I'll keep you and you'll stay with me," Seishiro-san replied, smiling at him. He sounded pleased. Subaru, however, didn't share his optimism but didn't dare to express this out loud. It wouldn't do for him to ruin Seishiro-san's good mood.
"As for the glass cup thing that upset you so," Seishiro-san began and Subaru tensed at that, lowering his gaze. He really, _really_ didn't need to hear Seishiro-san telling him that again. "You're not a glass cup, Subaru. Other people are like glass cups to me. You are not," Seishiro assured him. "You're my only exception. Really, I've no idea how you could come up with this silly thought that you're like the others to me. You're something completely different." Subaru raised his eyes and stared at him at that, trying to absorb it all and give it a sense, then blinked, confused.
"If I'm not like a glass cup... then what I am to you?" he asked quietly. He knew he might not like the answer but... he needed to know.
"You're Subaru," was the firm reply. Not that it made much sense though, unless Seishiro-san meant...
"The car?" he said hesitantly, not really seeing an improvement between being a glass cup or a car. Unless he was talking about how a car was much more expensive and required to be fuelled and be well taken care of and... and Seishiro-san laughed, confusing him further.
"No, silly," the man corrected him, still chuckling a bit. "You're not the car, you're you. There's no one else like Subaru therefore Subaru is Subaru. He can't be defined with any other word but Subaru. And Subaru is all mine," he finished. Subaru just stared at him. Seishiro-san seemed to believe what he said but Seishiro-san had deceived him other times. Only those other times hadn't happened here so maybe it was all in his mind but... "You're you and you're all mine, Subaru. Stop worrying about something that never happened. Think of it as if it was a long, bad dream. Now you're awake and you've no reason to worry about it," Seishiro-san told him, holding him close.
"Why can't I remember any of what you say?" the boy asked in the end, snuggling closer. "Why is everything I can remember bad?"
"Is it all bad?" Seishiro asked, stroking his hair and wishing Subaru would talk about it more and worry about it less. It would make things much simpler.
"Mostly," Subaru answered simply, without elaborating further, just curling more against Seishiro as if to search for protection. Seishiro wished he could prod him further but maybe it was better if he didn't stress him any further at the moment. Subaru already looked tired enough and if Seishiro wanted him to manage to sleep through the night maybe it was better if Subaru were to focus on what Seishiro had told him instead of on what he believed had happened.
"Okay, that's it. You know what? We'll fix this with me telling you everything that happened from the moment we first met," he decided. "So, even if you don't remember right now, you'll know the truth and you won't have any reason to be that worried anymore." Subaru blinked and turned to looked up at him hesitantly. It wasn't that he didn't want to know, it was more that he was scared to know. What if in this reality horrible things had also happened? "Don't look like that, Subaru, there's nothing to be scared of. I promise what I'll tell you won't be bad."
Subaru didn't reply, he just let himself be cuddled. As long as Seishiro-san wasn't asking him more than letting himself be embraced and didn't try to lean on him, he could relax in his hold. Seishiro liked it, he liked when Subaru let himself be spoiled a bit and seemed to appreciate and need Seishiro's presence. He really didn't understand why the boy felt the need to keep distant most of the time but maybe Subaru still hadn't figured out Seishiro didn't want him to keep his distance. Subaru had always been perfectly capable to be completely oblivious to the most obvious things.
"Subaru... would you do something for me that would make me really happy?" he asked then.
"If I can... yes... of course, Seishiro-san, I..." Subaru replied, stammering a bit, evidently nervous because he looked like he had no idea what Seishiro was going to ask but stubbornly willing to try to please him anyway. It was rather sweet and it probably required a certain effort from him, considering how messed up he was.
"Don't sleep far from me, Subaru," he requested. "Ever again. I won't do anything that might bother you but there's no point in you sleeping on the edge of the bed or, even worse, leaving it after you had a bad dream. Or is my presence bothering you so?"
"It's not that..." Subaru said hesitantly, lowering his gaze. "It's just..."
"It's just?" he prodded gently.
"I'm not... sure I won't bother you..." he tried to explain anxiously. "I mean... I'm not used to it and I don't want to make you uncomfortable or invade your space and I don't want to cause you to wake up just because I'm awake and you... you sleep all over me and I..."
"Am I too heavy?" Seishiro asked, interrupting him. Subaru shook his head although he didn't look up at him.
"You... you died leaning over me and I..." Before Subaru could have the chance to panic again Seishiro-san shifted his hold around him, moving Subaru as well. Subaru found himself with his head on Seishiro-san's arm as the man's other arm was around his shoulders instead of around his waist and was holding him close to Seishiro-san so that he was the one leaning on the man.
"Better now?" the man asked.
"I... am I not making you uncomfortable? I mean, I'm heavy and..."
"Silly, I'm perfectly comfortable like this. We used to sleep like this before you got all shy on me and began to keep me at distance," Seishiro explained, tapping Subaru's nose.
"I didn't mean..."
"I know. I know you're not fully recovered yet and you don't remember at all how things were before. But Subaru, really, I thought I'd made it pretty obvious I wanted you to stay close to me and that I don't mind if you wake me up because you had a bad dream. Actually, I prefer it. I worry when I can't find you here, Subaru, and if you wake me up instead of leaving, you spare me from getting up as well to search for you. So, in short, if you really want to make me happy, let's sleep like this from now on and feel free to wake me up every time you've got a nightmare, okay?" Seishiro told him, stroking his hair gently. Subaru didn't reply at first, which was unpleasant then he simply curled next to him, hesitantly wrapping his arms around Seishiro's waist, hiding against him.
"Okay," he whispered quietly and felt Seishiro-san adjust his hold around him a bit so that he could keep Subaru even closer to himself.
"Good," the man commented, resting his cheek against Subaru's forehead. Subaru sighed in relief. This was better, definitely better. He tentatively snuggled even closer and was about to ask if it was okay for him to stay like that when Seishiro-san nuzzled against him, mumbling a 'much better'. He closed his eyes and thought it felt so very, very good to be like that, as if that was exactly his place, the way he was supposed to sleep, the way he usually slept. He had not much time to ponder on it though, because as he slowly relaxed he unconsciously also slipped back to a quiet sleep. A quiet sleep from which he didn't wake until it was late in the morning and that, for once, wasn't disturbed by nightmares. A quiet sleep that seemed to imply Subaru was finally back home.
To be continued...
JJ's Extra Notes:
This chapter underwent quite a lot of changes and was expanded quite a bit from its demo version (it's nearly double in size) but now I hope it's a bit better. Anyway... here you could see Subaru's point of view about how his life is going and you also get a quick look at how things went in this life and a little improvement in his relationship with Seishiro. Also now you know Seishiro is the way he is due to 'prolonged exposition to Subaru'. You'll see later what 'prolonged exposition to Hokuto' turned Kakyou into...
Dictionary:
-chan: Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child
-san: "Mr." or "Mrs."
Kamaitachi: "Sickle Ermine". Cut caused by whirlwind
Onmyoudo: "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based on the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature
Replies to reviews:
To Black Velvet Nerd: Well, slowly everything will be revealed, included how things went here. Of course, since some facts were different it caused people to do different choices and therefore destiny changed slightly. Poor Fuma was unlucky though. LOL. It'll take time to find out what Seishiro knows...
To Behan: LOL, well, it's a mystery, it's supposed to mess with heads! First things first. Seishiro's name can be translitterated as Seishiro or Seishirou. The fandom chose Seishirou but CLAMP chose Seishiro the few times they had to translitterate it so I went with CLAMP's choice. So sorry but it's not a hint, merely a choice in translitteration. Well, Seishiro's situation isn't easy. Subaru's basically dangling of the edge of severe depression and insanity and his messed up memories don't help. One of the few things Seishiro knows well is he doesn't want to lose Subaru so he's doing everything he can to keep him. Subaru's situation is rather sad and nobody can understand him because nobody know what he went though and he doesn't know, doesn't dare to explain it. Subaru isn't really sure about why Seishiro did what he did. We know/saw the whole story but he's missing details and he's not sure he can trust Seishiro or his own conclusions about the man so, if you ask Subaru, he has no idea why Seishiro did what he did. He really don't understand and this too hurts him. He can't understand why the person he loves the most died, though he trust him about this being also due to Hokuto's spell, which doesn't really make things better for him. The funny thing about Kamui is that he thinks Subaru right now has no idea Seishiro might be a bastard... when Subaru had tried it first hand and knows it very well. More about Seishiro and Subaru's past will come soon
To Dark Angel Of Fire Ice: Well, this is a parallel universe so some things are the same while some are pretty different. You'll learn more about it soon! Subaru's feelings toward Hokuto are complicate. He feels guilty for her death but, at the same time, hates what she forced him to do, how she forced him to kill Seishiro. Being turned into the killer of the person he loved was, to him worse that if Hokuto had killed Seishiro herself. It didn't help his wish was different and that Seishiro's death and following actions left him with the doubt maybe Seishiro might have felt something for him. Subaru doesn't want to be angry with his sister but, at the same time, he hates what she had forced him to do and can't even trust her anymore and, right then, he really needs a person he can trust in so, when Hokuto tries to act as if she knew better he really feels like screaming that no, she doesn't.
To Niwaki: I'll do it!
To Billy: Well, the prank calls are meant to be creepy. They're not being done by someone with good intentions. Kamui cares for Subaru very much but at the same time, dislikes Seishiro a lot. He has his own reasons that will be explained. Kamui is, of course, giving his own version of what had happened in the past, the same way as everyone else is doing, be it Hokuto, Kakyou or Seishiro. How close this is to the truth... well, that's up to the reader to guess! Seishiro too of course is and was acting and talking according to his own perception of what happened in the past and of what's happening in the present and, since deep down he's not really a nice guy, his actions weren't and aren't always encomiable.
Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!
Send me your comments!